Amplified Silence

Celebrating the 7!

2010-01-04T15:43:00.001-08:00

Seven years ago today I married my college sweetheart. Yet, this is the third anniversary that I have spent without her. I have a strong belief that the worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce. What has been the most devastating time of my life, the divorce, has proven to be a blessing in disguise.

As I think back on the man I was during my marriage I am nearly repulsed. But, I cannot help but stop and smile when I look in the mirror and see the man that I am today. I am confident that without experiencing the greatest day of my life, my marriage, and living through my darkest days, my divorce, I would not be where I am today.

I earned my Bachelor of Arts degree in Bible in 2002. During my college years I worked as a youth director and assistant pastor for a small country church in northeast Missouri. I once had a firm head on my shoulders with a passion like I had never experienced before. Shortly after college I became something even my closest friends and family could not recognize. I was cold-hearted and cruel. I lost sight of the hope that I stood beside for so long. I neglected telling my wife that I loved her. I failed to be kind to her. I refused to be something that she needed. My divorce changed this. Within hours of hearing that Amie wanted a divorce I broke down and cried to God for help. And help He would. Over the past nearly three years, God has molded me into a different man... one that I celebrate today. I have a new mission, to be a pillar of strength for others who are experiencing the pains of divorce. I am a man of faith, one who desires to be a greater man of God. I give any chance I can see to give, oftentimes thanklessly. I love like I have never loved before, wearing my heart on my sleeve for the first time ever... I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

While I celebrate being a changed man, I know that I can oftentimes come across strong in relationships or abrasive to those who don't know me. This is something that I hope to correct in time. Yet, I will never regret or apologize for being who I am.

It's amazing how my perspectives have changed. I had always dreamed of being a father and husband. I dreamed of being the most successful at my job and making it to the top. I dreamed of driving the nicest car and living in the most beautiful house. I dreamed of making endless amounts of money to do whatever I possibly could with. Now, however, my dream is simple. I hope to be an incredible husband and father someday. That's it. But I want to do it at a level that most only dream of. I want to tell her, whoever she is... whether I know her or not, in both word and action that she is my world. I want to smile every time I think of her, and call/text her at random just because. I want to be gentle with my children. I want to be forever known as a husband and father unlike any other. That, and only that, comprises my dream.

Today I stand before you a changed man.... one of great pride, strength, hope, faith, joy, and love! So, on this day that would seemingly be a dark and painful day, I celebrate. For without my darkest days, I would not see the future as clearly as I do.

Thank you God for making something beautiful out of something so devastating.

Contentment

2009-10-26T20:03:00.001-07:00

Contentment is commonly defined as the state of satisfaction or a source of satisfaction. We all will define success differently. I'd like to believe that true success is finding the ever eluding pie in the sky; otherwise known as contentment.

Take the following for example:

When we are very young we dream of getting out of the house Monday through Friday and joining the big kids at school. We think that when we start attending school we will begin to discover who we are, be able to make big kid decisions, and meet lifelong friends.

Yet, when we begin school we see the bigger kids. We think that when we reach 5th grade we can take charge of our school and make our own rules.

Then we reach the 5th grade. Yet again, we look beyond our current situation to the 6th graders. How great will it be when someday we can go to several classes a day and if we don't like a teacher... who cares? We'll be gone in 50 minutes anyway!

6th grade comes and we then look to high school as a greater source of satisfaction. In high school we can hang out with girls that are becoming women, choose our own classes, and begin riding to school with other kids who drive.

High school days dawn, and instantly we begin looking to college. Afterall, in college we don't even have to go to class!

College starts and we're tired of school; we just want to enter the job market and start making the big bucks.

After college we share two dreams: to go back to college and leech off of mom and dad again, or to make it as far as we possibly can. If only I could make more money I'd be content. If only my wife/girlfriend didn't nag so much. If only I had married someone better looking. If only I had that car. If only I lived in that neighborhood. If only I had a better job. If only...

Why is it that our inherent reaction to our current position is dissatisfaction? This is a vicious cycle that will inevitably destroy us. I mean, what do you think you'll be saying when you're old and senile? Surely we won't be looking back and saying more money would have changed things. I doubt that I will sit back and still be asking “if only”. If I am, everything I have accomplished or done throughout my lifetime is for naught.

So let's consider the fundamentals of what should define who we truly are, none of which are tangible.

We must live a life of hope. Hope is the one thing that no one can steal from us. I hope to be a great husband someday. I hope to be a great father to my future children. I hope to provide a loving household that is second to none. I hope that my future children never hesitate to talk about how great of a man their father was.

We must live a life of peace. Peace holds a different meaning and value to each of us. I am at peace with my job. I am at peace with being single. I am at peace with the reality that I may remain single for the rest of my life. I am at peace with my financial state. I am at peace with my family. I am at peace with God.

We must live a life with a vision. Without a vision, people perish. I envision achieving personal victories. I envision attaining a strong network of friends and family. I envision becoming a man that will forever be known as having a genuine and sincere heart. I envision being known not as a man of adversities, but a man of victories.

We must live a life of faith. Faith takes many different forms, but we must have faith in something. I have faith in God. I have faith in myself. I have faith in life. I have faith in my family and friends.

We must live a life of love. Love endures all things. I love my job. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. I love the woman that I will marry, if ever, whoever, and wherever she is.

Hope. Peace. Vision. Faith. Love. As I sit here staring at the blinking cursor I'm questioning if I, myself, am content with only these five. Even though I'm reluctant to admit, I must say that I'm not sure that my perceptions are solely based around these alone. Yet, strangely the adage “to whom much is given, much is required” sounds in my mind.

I have been blessed in countless ways. May I, myself, find this writing useful in focusing not upon the temporary, but on the things that are eternal. They say that the man who dies with the most toys is still dead. In the same token, the man who sells his soul will remain soulless.

Contentment has an additional definition; an ease of mind, good feeling, or happiness. If I only maintain a hope in what is to come, a peace in my current state, a vision of what is to come, a faith in things not seen, and a love that seems impossible; I have attained fruition... also known as success.

My Divorce Journal...

2009-10-21T04:04:00.000-07:00

I have wrestled with whether or not to ever share these notes. Please understand that in no way am I intending to do anyone harm or say anything negative about anyone. It's not intended to offend anyone or invoke sympathy.

This was a very difficult time in my life on many levels. My divorce seemed as if it was what had broken the camel's back. Yet, I persevered.

I chose to post these writings for several reasons:
1) To not highlight my struggles, but share in my victories
2) To not focus on the past, but embrace the closure of a several year battle of the whole picture (divorce only in part)
3) To reach out to anyone who is hurting in a similar way and provide that support and encouragement that is so desperately needed
4) To make anyone aware of the pains of divorce, in effort to encourage them to ALWAYS fight for their relationships

I am over what happened completely and have been for nearly two years. I am not depressed, but rather am immensely joyful to share in overcoming adversity.

If ANYONE has issue in any part with my writings please let me know.

- Mike

A Man's Best Friend

2009-05-17T14:41:00.000-07:00

While having lunch with some co-workers this week, one person at the table mentioned pictures of our loved ones. Quickly, the women at the table whipped out pictures of their husbands and kids. The men just sat and watched. When asked to produce the same, one man pulled out a picture of his dog. Everyone laughed. We learned that not a single man at the table had a picture of his wife/girlfriend or kids... but rather had pictures of our dogs. While it's easy to find the humor there, I think it's rather sad.

We all know the common cliche that a dog is a man's best friend. Why is it that an animal holds such high place in our hearts?

Some might suggest that it's because a dog is forever loyal. Are we really shallow enough to just ride this bandwagon of thought as normal? I guess what I'm trying to say is, has anyone considered that perhaps the man who coined the phrase was hurt by a woman. Thus, his reliance upon an animal isn't particularly the issue at hand, but rather a fear of rejection. Instead of facing that fear he places his devotion in a dog. Sadly, I'm not immune from said man's thinking.

I love my dog, Snickers. She's sweet (most of the time), doesn't talk back, and is always excited to see me when I get home from work. She cuddles with me on the couch and sleeps next to me at night. I know that she needs me, and feel in some strange way that I need her too.

After being the victim of a divorce, she remained loyal to me. I hate to use the word "victim", but chose to in this writing to emphasize my struggle to maintain my marriage while my ex-wife just turned her back and walked away. Snickers has proven to stand with me through my tough times. I'd like to believe that in those dark times she recognized my emotions, and that she shared the burden of pain with me. But have you ever talked to a dog? I have. They don't answer you! Assuming you get his/her attention, all they do is tilt their head at you while wondering what in the heck you're saying.

Other people may suggest that a dog is man's best friend because they don't argue. While this is true, are men really that horrible with communication and conflict resolution that they'd rather avoid it altogether?

In my own life I communicate with those who are special to me more effectively through actions than I do through words. Just because actions do speak louder than words, I'm not removed from verbal communication completely. Have you ever met someone who is in a successful relationship with another that never just sits and talks to them? Although there are some pretty strange couples out there, it's not normal. We must learn to communicate not only with our muscles but also with our mouths. Instead of rolling our eyes when she says "we need to talk", we should man-up and talk. Sadly, most of us do exactly as a dog would, we tuck our tail and hope not to be hit too hard with the newspaper.

I'm sure there are other theories behind the idea of a dog being a man's best friend. But after only discussing two theories I'm forced to think of myself and what it is about Snickers that makes me so comfortable. While comfort is great, it breeds complacency. A complacent man is a lonely man... with a dog.

First Impressions

2009-05-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

What is it about first impressions that ultimately dictate one's interactions with another?

They say that one will develop an opinion of another within moments of meeting. That can, at times, limit any potential future relationship or contacts that we may have with another. Any human interactions coach will teach you, that the first impression is perhaps the most important of all meetings with others. As I sit here thinking of the same, I challenge the theory of first impressions by saying that it's simply not right nor is it fair to be so judgmental based upon arguably little or no knowledge of another.

I remember the first time that I had my first impression of another thrown back in my face.

Years after nearly getting kicked out of a Christian school, I entered the 3rd grade. I was incredibly opinionated, stubborn, and nothing short of mean to all that did not walk within my circle. This included anyone, including my teacher Mrs. Whisenhunt. She, while remaining firm, never gave up on the heathen that she referred to as "the bad little good boy". Still, Mrs. Whisenhunt was on my list and had become my greatest nemesis. Afterall, she was my teacher! I was determined to break her.

For the entire year I did things to other students in an effort to see the smoke plume from Mrs. Whisenhunt's ears. I stole from other students, placed thumb tacks on her chair, and even once took the top off of a bottle of Elmer's glue only to throw the bottle across the room at the chalkboard. While I'm sure she didn't like my shenanigans, she never gave a hint of losing her temper.

The summer after the 3rd grade I was riding my bike with one of my closest friends, Ivy Vincent. As we rode through the neighborhood, I spotted my enemy. Mrs. Whisenhunt was working in her front yard in her flower garden. While scheming my terror plot, Ivy had other plans. My friend was about to befriend my rival.

We rode up to Mrs. Whisenhunt's house, dismounted, and put down our kick-stands. I felt vulnerable, looking for any opportunity to strike. Mrs. Whisenhunt greeted us and began walking towards the street. She invited Ivy and me in to sit at her table and share a bowl of strawberries with sugar. Peer pressure was applied, and I consented.

While sitting at Mrs. Whisenhunt's table it's almost as if the blinds over my eyes were opened. I began to, for the first time, see her for who she really was; a kind and compassionate woman. From that day onward, Mrs. Whisenhunt was more than just a figure in my life... she was a living, breathing human being with a heart of gold.

Now, I'm smart enough to know that my story is, in some ways, shallow and fails to completely address the issue of first impressions. However, have you ever been kicked in the crotch? The feeling is so intense that the only logical response is to look for a bush to share your lunch with. Such is the feeling of being completely wrong about someone. This, by itself, is a great disservice to them and produces a feeling within us that can best be described as what happens to your stomach after eating bad sushi.

Yet, we continue to be judgmental and weigh these opinions as if they were fact! How can we almost instantly decide that someone is not worth our time and energy to befriend? The fact of the matter is that we are all unique. We all have our goals, our dreams, our insecurities, our passions. To share these with other people is, in its own way, an intimate experience. It is a trust that we place in another. But we continue to pervert the power of human relationships with our opinions.

So what are we to do about it? How can we get past those first few moments and allow ourselves to see beyond the lining with a clear lense? I only wish I knew.

So here I sit, perhaps being somewhat hypocritical to address this topic without any definitive corrective measures. Yet, I recognize this as a flaw in my own life. One that I hope to correct.

Justice...

2009-04-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

Written April 1, 2009

I don't remember the last time
I smiled so much for no reason at all.

For three years I have been held captive,
to fear.
Will I ever experience justice as it was intended?
to doubt.
Do those closest to me believe in my innocence?
to question.
What if justice is actually injust?

How was I, one who had been betrayed by the very definition of "justice",
to maintain hope in a system so flawed?
How was I, one who had been slandered by those who call themselves "upright",
to continue to fight when all I wanted to do was collapse?
How was I, one who had been mislabeled by the general public of "decency",
to remain confident when all I wanted was to hide?

The hope remained alive.
The fight continued.
The confidence rebirthed.

Then, a glimmer of justice!

I breathe
and for the first time in years, I feel free.
I laugh
and for the first time in years, I'm overtaken.
I smile
and for the first time in years, I'm consumed.
I rest
and for the first time in years, I'm restored.

Those outside the circle of injustice know not
the indescribable sense of peace I feel.
My cheeks are stained from tears,
but these are not tears of sadness.

This is not the end,
but rather is only the beginning
until justice is served in its entirety.

Remembrances...

2008-06-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Written June 20, 2008

Tonight I picked up my guitar for the first time in seemingly ages.
I don't remember many songs, but I instantly started playing the first song I ever learned.

Where did the passion for those lyrics go?
When did I seemingly lose those feelings that I once felt for such a message?
Why have I forgotten what it means to be delivered?
What can I do to revert back to the man I swore I would be?

I played the song till my fingers felt like they would bleed.
I sang till my voice became course.
My eyes began to water, yet only physics held the tears.

The passion reignites.
The feelings are as a watered seed.
The deliverance is like new life.
The man I truly am stands tall.

But who truly understands these things and desires the same for their life?
All around me are people who are just as I find myself too often being; masked.

Fear ensues. Pain is inevitable. Rejection is certain.

Who will believe my true heart's cry?

Then peace.

It matters not.

I am a man of character who, despite past failures, pushes forward to be my family's hero.
I am a man of promise who vows to be a pillar of strength to my future spouse.
I am a man of virtue who holds onto the vision of seeing heaven in my future children.
I am a man of countless blessings who dreams of success in all areas of my life.

Silence.

Now comes the true test.

Persevere. Stand. Believe. Cry. Laugh. Rejoice.

What Does It Mean "To Live" Anyway?

2008-06-11T16:17:00.000-07:00

Written June 11, 2008

Does partying really give us acceptance by those around us?
If so, then why do I feel so alone?

Does laughter give us purpose to breathe?
If so, why are those breaths so few?

Does dancing really give us that extra stride in our step?
If so, then why do I feel handicapped?

Does believing in something greater than ourselves give us hope?
If so, then why do I feel stagnant at times?

Does love give us purpose to live?
If so, why does wholeness seem to flee from me?

Partying does give me acceptance.
Laughter does give me breath.
Dancing does give me balance.
Believing does give me hope.
Love does give me purpose.

And even if it didn't...

I am who I am, and I will pretend to be no other.
Life is short,
I will live it!

Deliver Me...

2007-07-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

We are to be delivered from our sin.

Not that we might live for ourselves, but that we might come into Christ-likeness.

Our goals should be setup with God's.

For if our nature is unchanged then we eventually find ourselves entangled in the same problems that caused our difficulties in the first place.

Although we may not want to hear this, our spiritual hunger simply is not going to cease until our character in Christ Jesus is formed in our hearts.

The Father's goal of deliverance is much more than simply saving us from our burdens or the Devil taken off our backs.

Indeed, the specific purpose towards which God steers away all things in our lives is the conformity to the image of His son.

The Father's purpose of our salvation was that Jesus would become the firstborn of any brethren.

In otherwords, the way to realize God's ultimate victory is to reach towards His ultimate goal, which is complete transformation into the likeness of Christ.

Victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips.

It is consummated by the nature of Jesus in our heart.

My God...

2007-05-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

My God is overwhelming in His mighty power.
He is the Alpha and the Omega,
the First and the Last,
the Beginning and the End.
There is no one like my God.

My God is majestic in Holiness.
He is Awesome in Glory.
He is Infinite.
He is Eternal.
He is Omnipresent and He is Omnipotent.
There is no one like my God.

My God is the King of Righteousness.
He is the King of the Ages,
the King of Glory,
the King of Kings,
and the Lord of Lords.
There is no one like my God.

My God is enduringly strong.
He is entirely simple.
He is eternally steadfast.
There is no one like my God.

My God offers strength for the weak.
His mercy is limitless.
His grace knows no bounds.
His love endures forever.
There is no one like my God.

My God is Incomprehensible.
He's absolutely Invincible.
He's Divinely Irresistible.

When I try to describe Him my words always fall short.

Why?

My God is the Indescribable One.

There is no one like my God.

Peace Amidst A Storm

2007-05-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

Written May 15, 2007

Life has been incredibly difficult lately. Approximately 2 1/2 months ago my wife told me that she no longer desired to be married to me. I was totally shocked. All of my dreams, goals, and desires were written around Amie... all dashed in the wind with the simple phrase "I want a divorce."

For weeks I could not smile. I could not laugh. My eyes began to run dry, leaving only red streaks across my cheeks. I love Amie and I always will, but now is a time for restoration.

I am so thankful for my family and friends that have helped to carry me through this tough trial. Without their kind, compassionate, and caring words I would likely still be devastated. They have carried my mat as the four men did the paralytic in Mark 2.

God has provided me with peace amidst the storm. Sometimes He calms the storms in our lives; while other times He calms His child. I am a living testimony to His unending grace and restoration. He has provided me with an incredible support group and has restored my joy.

I may have been a failure as a husband. I may have been a failure as a police officer. I may have failed my family and friends at times. But God has made it clear that I am not a failure in life. I am not a failure in faith. He placed me through the fire and has refined me to be more like Him. What an incredible feeling to have nothing, and still sing to the Lord.

So now, I focus my life and my heart on Him. I am already preparing my heart and my life for another woman. I want to be as pure as possible... and that purity can come only from Him. I hope that someday He will provide me with the desires of my heart; to have a Godly wife and the experience the joy of raising Godly children. If I'm only alotted one shot at marriage I trust that He will provide me the strength to live day-by-day. Only by His direction and timing will I know.

God is good. I am a witness to His unending grace.

Divorce Journal - Final Letter

2007-05-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

(After being served divorce papers)
May 10, 2007

Amie,

The past several weeks have been agonizing. A nightmare is probably a good way to put it. Both of our hopes, dreams, and desires smashed in the wind. I’ve told you before and can never stop telling you that I am truly sorry for everything that I’ve done to hurt you or betray you. You remain my source of joy, my heartbeat, my breath of life... but unfortunately no longer my wife.

I have no doubt that I can be the man that you need me to be. I don’t care what I would need to do differently or change. Nothing is too big if it’s for you.

I have checked my phone and email dozens of times daily just hoping that you would take a second to say hello. I can’t express the overwhelming disappointment when I find nothing. Amie, I want to take dance lessons with you, sing with you, run through the rain with you. You are my source of joy.

Every act of love that I have done for you has been enjoyable. Even from the simplest of things from watering your flowers to wrapping your Easter present... it was very soothing to do a loving thing for you. I hope that you recognize or someday recognize the immense amount of love I have for you... and have shown you during this rough time.

What a remarkable feeling to know that I’m marrying my best friend.

Amie you are my best friend. You have held me up in times of distress and sang praises with me in times of gladness. You know everything about me, as a best friend should. You loved me unconditionally and I you. You are a part of my life that cannot be replaced.

Upon our first meeting, one would have been crazy to suggest that we would share this day together.

I can still remember seeing you in our Players class, meeting in the racket ball room. I remember your crazy socks and your interesting choice of clothing... including rainbow toe-socks. I remember attempting to talk to you and you were only polite to me, but nothing more. You weren’t receptive to my advances and shrugged me off.

Then there was the night in Quincy watching The Wizard of Oz. I remember that you were frustrated with some of our classmates for leaving the seat next to you empty. But we began to talk, and you opened up to me. Even then I never would have imagined the impact that you would have on my life.

I remember talking to my great grandmother Trudy the last time I saw her before she died. I showed her a picture of you and told her that someday you would be my wife. What a strange conversation to have, but yet it was true. You became my partner.

Yet, I never could have imagined a love so pure, so sweet.

You have always been uplifting to me. Even during times of distress you showered me with your love. You are a wonderful woman Amie. You are my definition of love.

William Shakespeare expressed this best when he wrote, “Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.”

When I found this quote while writing my vows I knew that it was you. You value traditional literature and its greatest authors. Shakespeare was right. I did not seek love from you necessarily, but stumbled into it. When meeting you in class I had no desire to fall in love with you, but rather to just capture your attention. I just wanted you to look my way and smile. Yet, I received so much more.

The sincerity and genuine nature of your love swept me away. I had no idea that we would have shared so many great moments, laughter, and memories together. What I received in you was far greater than I ever could have dreamed of having.

How wonderful to know that I will share my days with you, as a life without you would in fact be no life at all.

This statement has never rang more true to me that it does today. Without you there has not been any happiness or true sense of joy. As I’ve stated several times before I wish that some of those days could be different. I would wipe away the tears, heartache, and numbness. But we both know that I cannot change those days, only what lies ahead. It’s unfortunate that it’s taken something like this for me to truly realize how many mistakes I made. But I assure you that I’m repentant of those days and will never forget how they hurt you.

You have provided me with the greatest days of my life. I could spend months trying to think of all the great memories that I share with you, and probably a couple of hours trying to think of times of sorrow. The wonderful memories highly outnumber those of distress.

I cannot believe that the person I shared the greatest day of my life with, our wedding, is forcing the worst day of my life upon me, our divorce. I love you more than life itself Amie and would give anything for reconciliation. A life without you just doesn’t seem possible.

I promise to hold you close whenever you should cry, and to life you up before the Giver of strength when you are weak.

I know that I failed at this on more than one occasion. But I hope you see that in the last year and a half I have genuinely tried to do this for you. When you were down I contacted friends and family and had them contact you... to try to help you through. When my mouth was barely above the surface of the water I tried to rescue you when you were drowning. I refused to stop singing.

I promise to laugh whenever you should laugh, to walk in stride with you through this journey of life.

As I stated previously, we share many wonderful memories together. Aside from just memories I always loved hearing you laugh. I could tell endless amounts of stupid jokes and you would always crack a smile, even when you didn’t want to.

As I told you a few weeks ago, I’m sorry that I’ve made you go through so many things in the last year and a half. I’m so sorry that it took those things for me to truly see what I had in you. But I regained my sense of joy in you. I rewrote my dreams and desires for you. I tried to show you that I loved you on a daily basis. I wanted to raise a family with you and continue to walk with you through this journey. I wanted to feel warm sand between my toes while we walked along the beach, and tug on the dog’s leashes as they sniff every lawn.

Life is a journey and you were my partner.

For you are my life, my love, my bride.

Two of the three still remain in my heart even after a divorce.

You have shown me what it means to live. You have given me a purpose and dreams. You are my life.

It’s painful to no longer be your love, yet you remain mine. My soul longs for nothing more than to feel my love reciprocated when you look at me.

You were such a beautiful bride. Every day I loved waking next to you and calling you mine. I wish that I could continue to call you that, but it has been stripped away.

I love you more than anything Amie. You have told me on the phone recently that you didn’t want to spend time with me because you felt that I was fake. Amie, nothing about me is fake. I have rediscovered who I am and have buried who I am not. Only time will prove this to you.

I will remain hopeful that someday we can reunite our dreams, goals, and desires. I love you Amie K. and always will.

Should I never hear from you again, always know that I love you.

-Mike

Divorce Journal Entry #58

2007-04-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

April 17, 2007
6:40 pm

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I woke this morning and called a doctor to try to get an appointment today. I scheduled an appointment for this afternoon at 2:30 pm.

I worked this morning to cut down and remove two trees. The entire time I was there I was listening to the music on my phone. Some of the songs were very soothing while others made my mind race back to Amie. This morning I downloaded the song from church last night “How To Save A Life”. I listened to this song over and over and found peace. Each time I heard it I thought of all of my friends who I’ve told of my struggles and scary thoughts. I am so thankful for them and their unconditional love. They have not judged me but rather have prayed for me, told me that they love me, reassured me of my worth, and hugged me. Personal touch has spoken more to me than any words and those who are able to have extended their hands.

After working I got cleaned up to go see the doctor. My nerves were on edge; afraid of what the doctor might say or do with me. I left the house and headed into Tulsa with several hours before my appointment.

I went to a guitar store and must have looked like I had no clue. I met a salesman there. I told him that I have never played an instrument, besides the spoons, but that I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. I told him about what has happened recently and how I believe in the power of music. I made it clear to him that I was there spontaneously seeking a therapeutic activity.

He showed me around the store and asked me what type of guitar I wanted. I told him that I wanted either an acoustic or an acoustic-electric guitar. He showed me several of the beginner guitars. He had me sit on a stool and brought the guitars to me. He showed me the basic positioning and told me that only I can decide which guitar feels the best to me. It was so nice to have someone just tell me to be still and then help me. Inside I was smiling finally.

He gave me a crash course in posture, hand positioning, and strokes. He taught me a few keys and we then began to talk. After several minutes of just talking he told me to show him those keys again... and I did it! What a remarkable feeling!

I purchased a guitar and he threw in the hard case, tuner, strap, and beginner’s book. It felt so great to walk out of the store carrying the case and putting it in the truck. The smell of the leather case was so warm. I then headed to the hospital in Sapulpa for my appointment.

I got to the hospital and grabbed my guitar case. The salesman told me that where I go the guitar goes. He explained the need for it to be away from extreme temperatures, moisture, etc. So I took it inside the hospital with me. Let’s just say I had some extremely strange glances. I walked through the door in the office, walked straight to the window, and set the case down in order to sign-in and fill out the paperwork.

After several minutes the nurse came and got me out of the lobby. I grabbed my case and walked inside. She laughed and asked me if I was there to see the doctor or to serenade her. I laughed and told her that she doesn’t want me to even try to play cause I have no idea what I’m doing yet.

She led me into the room where I sat down the case and then sat on the examination table. She asked me what was going on. I took a deep breath and started at the beginning with losing my job. I told her everything and how it was effecting me. I told her about my dream Saturday morning. I fought tears the entire time, but finally broke down. She leaned forward and gave me a hug and said that it was okay... that they would help me.

She was in her mid 30's. She told me that five years ago her husband died of a heart attack in her arms. She told me that she grieved for a few years afterwards. She told me that she would swing from anger to happiness, sadness to joyfulness at the drop of a dime. She told me that she finally got to a point where she was able to place her feelings into a separate memory bank and file it in her memory... but that she continued to find life.

She told me that someday I would do the same thing, but that my feelings and emotions were normal reactions. She affirmed my belief that everyone has their breaking point where they finally need medical help. She told me that I’m not crazy or abnormal, but human... just like everyone else. She told me that when I was ready that I would be happy with who I am again and would find life again. She then told me that I am a “gorgeous man”. I laughed and said, “even though I’m just skin and bones?” She laughed and said that most women would find me extremely attractive and would “fatten me up” in due time.

I hate the thought of considering any other woman besides my wife. I have said since our separation that I find it repulsive to think of another woman... and I do. It sickens me. But the words that she said to me were so kind. I needed that affirmation of who I am.

She then opened the door to the examining room and left, leaving the door open. She came back a few moments later and shut the door. I then heard her outside of the room talking to another nurse. They were talking about how I was “gorgeous”. Thank you God for giving me that boost in my confidence.

The doctor came in shortly thereafter. I told him everything from the beginning. I told him about the thoughts I had been having and about my dream. I was so afraid of what he would say to me. But, he told me that I was human and having a normal reaction. I told him that I was seeing a Christian counselor but that I felt that I needed medical help as well. He listened to me longer than any doctor I’ve ever seen before. He then prescribed me two medications... one to take the edge off and the other to help me rest with a clear mind.

Before leaving the doctor told me that I would be getting a shot. Now I must admit, I don’t like shots. The nurse from earlier came in and I asked her where she would be administering the shot. She said “in your best place.” I laughed and said, “my arm?” She told me to bend over and without any soothing words, preparation, or even a countdown stuck me in the rear. I almost jumped over the table! She told me that the shot would help my system not go into shock upon taking the medication for the first few times. That it would prep my system for what was to come.
I felt like I was gonna puke after the shot but left. I met up with Jamie and Angie at the park in Sapulpa and played frisbee with Jamie for a few minutes. I proudly showed off my new guitar.

After returning to the house I grabbed the beginner’s book and sat down to begin learning. My mother came upstairs and saw what I was doing. She came in and sat down and began to teach me about musical notes and chords. God thank you that my family is recognizing my pain and giving me their time and attention that I so desperately need.

I’m thrilled to have an unchartered hobby that I can work on. As soon as I can read the music and know what to do with my left hand I want to learn the song from church last night that I’ve listened to dozens of times.

I’m worried about taking my first bit of medication here within the next hour. Then it will be chased with the second prescription. Anti-depressants work most of the time, but sometimes throw people into an even greater depression. I’m so scared of sinking any lower. I don’t feel like I can handle being any lower. God please let this ease my pain.

God thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for the few times that I smiled today. Thank you for the kind and compassionate words of some people today. Thank you so much for my friends who have acted as the four men that lowered their friend to Jesus in Mark 2. They have been an incredible support group. Bless them as they have blessed me. Touch my wife. I love her so much. God please give me a refreshing trip to New York. Please clear my mind of all my distress and let me leave it in Oklahoma.

Divorce Journal Entry #57

2007-04-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

April 16, 2007
6:51 am

I saw Amie last night for 56 minutes. I hadn’t seen her in nearly two and a half weeks. She looked so beautiful. I found peace for that 56 minutes that I was with her. We filled the time with small talk. Before I left I told her that I would be returning to New York in June and made a comment that she would be out of school by that time; implying that she could join me on my return trip. She then replied, “it won’t happen Mike.” Why do I continue to make statements or ask her questions that I know will hurt me? Hope.

Church last night was incredible. LifeChurch is having a series that they’re calling MixTape. They are taking modern secular songs and using the lyrics and words to teach a scriptural message. Last night I felt the touch of God.

The title of the message last night was “Saving a Life” based upon the a song by The Frey titled “How To Save A Life.” The song indirectly deals with us reaching out to those we know who are hurting and intervening before they do something that cannot be reversed. I cannot stop watching the message on the internet at LifeChurch.tv.

They lyrics to the song are very powerful.

That pastor told a personal story about a friend of his that he grew up with. He said that one day he and this friend got into an argument and split ways. He said that they didn’t talk for two months, then one day God laid his friend on his heart. He felt that he needed to contact his friend. He decided that after church, then dinner, then family time he would call his friend. That night, after doing all of those things as he called his friend’s wife answered the phone. She said that she had just gotten home to find him dead in the house. He had killed himself.

The scripture associated with the message last night was Mark 2:1-12. It is the story of the four friends that lower the paralytic through the roof to get to Jesus. He talked about the loyalty of those friends and their determination to save their friend.

I am so thankful for those people who are close to me that know these thoughts and feelings that I’m having.

I have spent some time talking with Andrew about the dreams and thoughts that I’ve been having. He has been so caring for me and tells me how much he loves me. He told me that he has shared my issues with Alyse and I can feel her prayers.

I have spent time talking with Tobi about the dreams and thoughts. Tobi has been broken on the phone upon hearing these things. He has been quick to answer the phone and uplift me at every opportunity. Sarah knows as well. She told me last night that she is praying for me so much. They, too, tell me in every conversation how much they love me.

I talked to Jamie and Angie last night about these dreams and thoughts. They offered encouragement and kind words. Angie told me last night that I was on her heart all week because she just doesn’t know how much more I can take. They hug me every time they see me. They, also, tell me that they love me.

What a great group of people that I call friends. They don’t view me as crazy but rather as a believer who is struggling. They offer their prayers, kind words, and presence. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.

I wish I could tell Amie how I’m feeling. I fear that she would think I’m crazy or become angry with me. I love her and very literally have believed my vow... a life without her is in fact no life at all.

God please forgive me of all of my stains, impurities, and wrongdoing. Heal me of my unrighteousness. Then God please heal me of my mind. You healed the paralytic first of his sin then of his crippling disease. Deliver me O God.

Divorce Journal Entry #56

2007-04-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

10:26 am

This morning church was difficult. The message was on love.

“You are my hiding place
You will always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You.”

I want to be strong in this time of weakness.

We talked about the difference between the types of love. We specifically, as God’s children, are to be filled with agape love, or unconditional love. The question then was posed, how do we love the unloved and the unlovable. The first thought that entered my mind was that I am the unloved.

I know that my family loves me. I know that God loves me. But the love that I crave the most, the love from my wife, I don’t feel. I desire to feel her unconditional and restoring love. I want her to wake each day and chose to love me again. I felt very lonely in that room surrounded by young parents, couples, and pregnant women. How can they understand my feelings and hurt? They cannot.

I said a few journals earlier that I have already forgiven my wife of her past mistakes and failures. I have already forgiven her of what I believe to be unintentional emotional damage that she has caused me. I have already forgiven her of anything that she has, can, or will do to me today and tomorrow. I will always forgive my wife and love my wife, regardless of the magnitude of the wrongdoing. I love her unconditionally.

I will fight for my wife’s love until the gloves are stripped from my hands. I will stand in this darkness praying for a glimmer of sunshine until my legs give way. I will desire my wife and my wife alone until God replaces that desire. I will love my wife forever and will never falter.

I have said in the recent past that everyone has a breaking point. Fortunately I have not seen mine yet. But I fear that it is on the horizon. God please restore the peace and joy that only you can restore. Bless me, your child, who seeks your healing touch. God I know that divorce hurts you. Help Amie to see the restoration that you can provide to our marriage. Thank you for your mercy and your grace.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”

Divorce Journal Entry #55

2007-04-15T06:27:00.000-07:00

April 15, 2007
6:27 am

I heard from Amie last night after I finished my last journal. We talked for 24 minutes. Although it was difficult to talk to her, for 24 minutes I had peace. The phone rang and I saw who it was. My heart skipped a beat and I nervously answered the phone. I want so desperately to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid that I won’t hear from her again for days if I tell her. I think that I kept talking so long because I was afraid to hang up... afraid to not hear her again for several days.

I asked her if I could see her before I left. She was silent for several seconds. It was hard for me to hear her hesitation, but she finally told me that I could come by the house after church for a few minutes. I’m so nervous to see her.

I went to sleep last night only to have another restless night of sleep. I woke several times because I was nervous about what to say to her and how to act. I want so badly to get on my knees before her and tell her that I’m sorry for what I’d done. I want to ask her to give our marriage a chance because I know that it can work. Again, not because she wants me to be somebody, but because I want to be the man that she needs. I want to tell her about how much money I’ve saved and tell her that I want to start afresh with her in St. Louis. I want to leave all of our bad memories and pain in Oklahoma and be renewed. I want to remarry my wife, burying the past. I want to tell her that I will forever meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs... and never hurt her again. I’m afraid, however, that talking to her about it might push her further away. So I will be prayerful today as to how I’m supposed to act and what I’m supposed to say.

I woke early this morning after having a nightmare. In my nightmare I found myself in a dark building that resembled a barn. There were what appeared to be animal corpses hung in various places from the rafters. I then saw a dark dreary figure. My mind then raced with several scary images of myself. I called out in my dream to the figure and asked him who he was. The figure then howled “Suicide”.

I woke in panic and began to pray. I hate having such thoughts and dreams, but they are becoming more frequent. How much more repentant can I be of what I’ve done to her that I’m having such thoughts? God please heal me. Remind me of your unconditional love and unending grace. May my marriage exemplify those same attributes. May Amie chose to love as she vowed rather than judge. I love my wife.

I’m going to begin to be fervent at tithing starting today. I’ve never been real consistent on giving God part of my financial life. I know that God requires it from us, but it’s scary to give when there are so many unknowns in my life right now and not much to give. God please grant me a generous and unwavering heart. May I give with a joyful spirit.

I have decided to fast today. I have never fasted in the past, but want to spend the day deep in thought and prayer. I want to know what to say and how to be tonight in front of Amie. I want to learn your truths God and find your peace and healing. Touch me today.

Divorce Journal Entry #54

2007-04-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

8:05 pm

This afternoon was very difficult for me. After writing my last entry I took a nap. I find myself sleeping in times of stagnation. I hope to pass whatever time and wake to hear the phone ringing or receive an email from Amie. Again, nothing.

My folks sent me to Blockbuster to rent a couple of movies for tonight. On the way there I broke into tears. I picked up a couple of movies and while standing in the checkout line I called Tobi. I told him that today was a very difficult day for me. I told him that I was starting to have scary thoughts again. I told him that I was considering going to Lauriette, a mental health hospital in Tulsa. Tobi broke down... finally understanding the magnitude of my pain.

I drove back to the house and tried to call Andrew. I sent him two text messages to call me, but haven’t heard from him. I was going to ask him to drive me to Lauriette. I also knew that he could stop by the house and get my insurance information from Amie if it was needed. I still have yet to hear from him.

When I got to the house I called Lauriette. I spoke with a receptionist who took my name and phone number. She assured me that a therapist would contact me within a few minutes.

After a few minutes the phone rang and I spoke with a woman. She asked me what was going on and I told her everything that was happening and how it made me feel. She asked me very pointed questions, more specifically relating to suicide. I told her that I am more and more frequently having such thoughts, but that I don’t think I’m brave enough to actually hurt myself. She told me that the only way I could see a doctor with their agency over the weekend would be to admit myself into their custody. Doing so would require me to be in their care for 72 hours, thus missing my flight to New York. She did not think that would be necessary but mentioned that it is possible if I feel that my thoughts might lead to action.

She gave me several phone numbers of various urgent care facilities. I called and spoke with COPES, a crisis intervention agency for Tulsa County. I remember working with COPES on several occasions as a police officer when I would come into contact with someone with intentions on hurting themselves. I spoke with a woman there for a few minutes who again asked me very pointed questions. Before hanging up she recommended that I obtain my insurance information and call my family doctor on Monday. She said that he would likely prescribe anti-depressants that would help to take the edge off.

After getting off the phone I went downstairs to talk briefly with my mother. I cannot tell her the thoughts I’ve been having as it would devastate her further. She and my father love Amie so much and are broken about what is going on. My grandparents too love her deeply and have offered their love and support for me whatever should happen. I did talk with my mother though about seeing our family doctor and getting some medication. She began to cry.

I took some pictures of Amie off the refrigerator after telling my mother. I also found some pictures of our wedding rehearsal and ceremony in my Bible this afternoon after trying to find peace in the words of God. My mother also found pictures of Amie that were taken in Iowa when visiting my grandparents in the past. I placed those pictures in a drawer in my bedroom so that I would not see them any more. I also took the pictures that Amie had taken off the wall at the house and put them back into the box and set it in the garage. This is not symbolic of me giving up or trying to move on with life. Rather, I think it’s necessary as the more I think of her the more it hurts me.

It is not healthy for me to continue to see pictures of her when my depression seems to overwhelm me at times. I still hold onto hope that our marriage can be resurrected, but I’m afraid of my own mind. I desire for my love to be reciprocated from her. That is what would heal my heart and allow for my wounds to stop bleeding. Without that, peace doesn’t seem possible.

I have been thinking this evening about other therapeutic activities that I can do. I have thoroughly enjoyed painting and plan to continue painting. Music is powerful. I think I’m going to look into buying an inexpensive guitar and try to learn how to play. I don’t think I have any sense of rhythm, but then again I never thought of myself as creative either.

As I sit here a song just came over the speakers that is very fitting. It is Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)”.

I sent the CD with that song on it to Amie for Easter. I heard the song before purchasing it and felt that it described my feelings for her. Amazingly, it soothes my soul in times without her.

I cannot give up. I cannot lose faith. I cannot lose hope. I cannot lose love. I love my wife so much.

“... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
- Romans 5:3-5

Divorce Journal Entry #53

2007-04-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

1:51 pm

Yesterday I left flowers at the house for Amie. I sent her an email that said that I’d love to see her this weekend before I leave for New York. I asked her to call me and let me know if it would be possible. I still have yet to hear from her. So I sit here in front of the computer spinning my wedding ring that rests on my finger.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of bleeding emotionally. I’m tired of the disappointment of not hearing from her. I’m tired of loving, yet feeling unloved by the one who vowed to love me. I’m tired of trying to resuscitate a relationship that has died against my will. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m so tired of not feeling desired. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the weight that I literally feel on my heart. I’m tired of joy eluding me. I’m tired of walking through hell. I’m tired of the pain.

How ironic that my source of joy is also the source of my pain.

God please save me from my pain. How long must I live in this darkness? How long O Lord must I have sorrow in my heart. I beg for a chance with my wife but it seems that it’s falling on deaf ears. How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? Bring light to my eyes God or I will live in darkness. I’m dying inside. I’m so tired.

Happiness. Is it just a pursuit or can someone actually attain happiness? Why does it seem to elude me. Peace. Is it something that is only available to the unstained? Why can’t I sleep a single night without restlessness? Joy. Is true joy impossible? Why can’t I smile without the thought that I’m merely covering up my pain? Love. Is it only hurtful? How can love cause so much pain?

God your word says that love bears all things and endures all things. It says that it keeps no record of wrongs. Why does this strike me right now as a painful misconception? Why doesn’t my relationship with my wife personify those attributes? My love is hurting me beyond measure.

God I want to sing, but my voice is hoarse. I want to raise my hands, but I don’t have the strength. I want to fall on my face, but know that I can’t get up. I want to come home God. Deliver me from the darkness that I call life.

Bring light to my eyes O God. Hold me in your precious arms. Whisper in my ears words of affirmation and peace. May I experience true happiness, peace, joy, and love that only You can provide. Please work a miracle in my life and in my relationship with my wife.

I love my wife, but she deserves better than me.

Divorce Journal Entry #52

2007-04-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

April 14, 2007
9:28 am

In my quiet time this morning I read a passage from 1 Timothy. It talked about one of the fears that I’ve had since Amie told me that she wants a divorce.

It mentions that pastors and deacons are to be men of but one wife. I have been afraid since she told me of what my options are now concerning working in missions with children. Does this mean that I cannot serve with a missions board or have any endorsement from a religious agency? I know that it is talking specifically about leaders within a church, but the last I checked Baptist mission boards will not allow for a divorced person to be endorsed by their agency.

This scares me because it again further narrows who I can become. I can no longer work in law enforcement, and I’m okay with that. But the only other thing that I truly believe I could be happy doing would be in some sort of missions organizations with children.

This further enforces my need to do everything possible to attain reconciliation with my wife.

I’ve also been thinking this morning about something that Amie told me in the recent past. She told me that even after a divorce that she wants to remain friends. I just don’t know if it’s possible.

I know that she has been hurt in the past. I know that the thought of a divorce must be painful for her. But she hasn’t seen what I’ve gone through. She doesn’t know, or refuses to see, how devastating this has been to me. My confidence has been dealt a blow. The feelings of insecurity have consumed my soul. The pain has been indescribable. There is an immeasurable amount of psychological and emotional damage that has been done.

When I try to talk to her about how I’m doing I feel like it’s being shrugged off or ignored. That deepens the pain and insecurities.

Amie is my best friend and has been for nearly eight years. No one else has captured my heart and my soul like she has. Yet, I don’t know if I can be the common cliche of a “friend” if a divorce is finalized. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife more than anything, but I have been crushed.

If she should decide to “try” I will still have these wounds, but I believe that the bleeding would stop. I will show her that I desire to be the man that she needs in a husband... and I will be that man. Not because she wants me to be it, but because I want to be that person for her.

She has also told me in the recent past that someday I will find someone else. For weeks I found this statement repulsive. Now it is not only repulsive to me but seems an impossibility. For six weeks I have not dreamed or thought of any other woman besides my wife. She consumes my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams... all day every day. I know that someday she won’t be all I think about, but I cannot fathom experiencing all of the hurt, pain, insecurities, and lack of confidence that I’ve recently experienced ever again. I’m scared of the possibility of ever experiencing this again. So I honestly believe that I will remain single without Amie. I’ve never really been single at any rememberable point in my life. But the fear of experiencing this again greatly supercedes any desire for companionship. Statistics prove that once someone is divorced the probability of finding a lasting relationship ever again greatly declines... further strengthening my fear and insecurity. She told me over a year and a half ago that if our marriage didn’t work she would remain single for the rest of her life. She has not made that statement recently, but now I can affirmatively say that I believe it for my own life.

I will forever love my wife. I will forever hope that we can reunite our hopes, dreams, and desires and be together again. Should she force a divorce upon me I will still hope to call her my wife again someday. But there is an immense amount of psychological and emotional bleeding that will need to stop, scab, and scar over. I refuse to lose hope.

I love my wife. She is beautiful to me.

Divorce Journal Entry #51

2007-04-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

9:24 pm

I was sitting at the computer listening to music while looking through documents and pictures on the computer.

It occurred to me that nearly every picture I have includes Amie. Though I love the memories that I share with her, my heart is filled with sadness.

If she should continue to walk away from me how long will it take for me to make new pictures and make new happy memories? Will I forever go through Easter with sorrow in my heart? Will I ever be able to look at my family and not wish for the same happiness that my sister and parents share?

I told Andrew the other day that should a divorce happen I cannot continue to work with him or be around him. It’s not his fault but every time I look at him I see Alyse, thus causing me to see Amie. If she walks away I cannot continue to experience the roller coaster of emotions but must begin to care for my own emotional and physical health.

I also told him to keep me accountable should Amie give our relationship a chance. I don’t want to be someone for a short time then resort back to someone else. I want to be who she needs in a husband 100% of the time, for the rest of our lives. I told him that I never want to pick up another cigarette or cigar, ever. I told him that I want him to make sure Amie and I are in church. I told him to make sure that I’m tithing and praying with and for Amie. He promised to keep me accountable for these things.

I asked Andrew the other day some questions about how I was feeling. I asked him if he thought it was weird that I don’t think I could ever sleep in the same bed and mattress that Amie and I shared ever again without her. He told me that one of our friends from high school, John, experienced the same exact feeling when his wife left him. He slept on the couch for months before finally getting a new bed. I cannot possibly sleep in it again without her. I am afraid to smell her body wash, find a hair, or touch what she has laid on. I will never sleep in that bed again without her beside me.

I find it odd that I don’t feel this way about any other furniture or belongings. This includes the brown couch, where she and I shared our last physically intimate moment... aside from holding her as we both fell asleep two nights in a row just within the last week I was in the house with her.

I desire to make new pictures with Amie. I desire to fill my mind and my heart with new memories of us. I desire to forever gaze into her eyes. I desire to someday see her in my children. I love her so much and miss her uncontrollably at times.

Since I’ve lived with my parents I’ve seen their joy. I’ve seen their love for one another. I’ve seen their service toward each other. I’ve heard them whispering to each other before they fall asleep. I desire the same with my wife.

I have also seen my father and mother both be cold towards each other at times. I’ve heard them say hurtful things to one another. It’s amazing how these things are so clear to me when they happen. I have told my father and mother both on several occasions not to treat the other like that. When my father complains about my mother’s persistence about a chore, I’ve told him to be proud that she loves him. When my mother complains about my father not doing the chore, I’ve told her to be proud that he loves her.

I have learned so many lessons since separating with Amie. I have learned how a seemingly innocent comment can be detrimental to one’s feelings. I have learned the power of praise and adoration.

My mother has made comments in the past about regrets. She made those statements in anger for something about my father. I have seen that despite their periods of anger they truly love one another. They don’t walk away from problems, but confront them. They truly love one another.

I wish that Amie would confront our issues together with me, rather than walk away from them. Yes I have wronged her, and I will forever be repentant and remorseful for those things. A few days ago I was having thought after thought of hurting myself. How much more repentant can I be if I’m considering such scary actions? I wish that she would see my heart... see my repentance.

I love my wife. Nothing can or ever will change that.

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
-Ephesians 5:28

Divorce Journal Entry #50

2007-04-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

April 13, 2007
3:17 pm

I went to the house this morning to grab a few things and my suitcase for my New York trip. It was hard driving down the street and entering the house. It was almost foreign to me.

I gathered the couple of things that I needed and then learned that I have no florist skills. I left eight dozen roses in the house again today. This makes for a total of 29 dozen roses that I’ve left or sent to her since our separation. I also left her some Reeses peanut butter cups because I know that she loves them. It doesn’t exactly help her dieting program, but hopefully it will make her feel a little better after her dentist nightmare. All I want is for her to smile when she sees what I left her.

She should be getting home around this time. I hope that acts like this do not anger her or push her away. I hope that she sees that I do things like this because I love her very much.

I know that acts like this alone will not fix the issues with our relationship. I only hope that it makes her smile and see how much I love her. I pray that she sees what she has in me and sees my intense desire to be who she needs me to be.

I have refused to close the “Be Nice to Amie” account. I don’t want to in any way give up hope that our relationship can be restored. Instead, I have continued to deposit money into that account. I hope to be able to bless her in the future with it.

I talked to someone a couple of weeks ago and told them that I am still holding on to hope that we can indeed have a miracle marriage. The person looked at me and told me, “well don’t bet on it.” I know that this person didn’t mean any harm, but it really upset me. I know that they are trying to protect my emotions and help me to move past what has happened. I have begun to emotionally prepare myself as much as I can for what she’s pushing for. Should that day come it won’t matter how much I’ve thought about it or tried to prepare myself for it... I will be crushed. My heart will officially be broken.

So I do the best I can to prepare myself should that day come. I still have hope because it’s important that I maintain faith, hope, and love. All three of these characteristics are vital for Christian growth and maturity.

I’m convinced that no amount of preparation will keep my head up if I have to sign finalization papers. But it’s a possibility; one I fear. On the other hand, if Amie told me that she was willing to try I wouldn’t have to prepare for my reaction. I can only imagine the immense weight lifted from my shoulders and the relief of the burden that I physically feel on my heart. I can only imagine that those words would fill me with an indescribable joy... one which would grant me a smile and tears simultaneously. How I long to experience hearing those words from her.

In the meantime, I prepare myself for what would be the worst day of my life... just in case.

I don’t care what she has done in the past. I don’t care about any wrongdoings that she has ever done to me. I don’t care what thoughts, feelings, dreams, or actions she may have had for another man. I don’t care about the enormous pain that has been caused by the last six weeks. I don’t care that I haven’t seen her for two weeks. I don’t care about the disappointments in checking my computer and phone for some communication from her and hearing nothing. I don’t care about any of those things... I care about my wife.

I have already forgiven her for past and future heartache and mistakes. Love is unconditional and unwavering. It always protects, always endures. It does not keep records of wrongs, but forgives them and works through them. It forces us to look deep into a person’s soul and find the person that we love... even when we are unlovable.

Love is a choice. I do not chose to be the judge and her the felon, but rather I chose to be a restorer. I chose to love her regardless of whether it’s reciprocated or not. Despite comments that some people have made about her in the last six weeks, she is my love. She is my life. She is my heartbeat. She is my breath of life. She is my wife, and I her husband. It’s not about those other people, but rather her and me.

When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she is excited, I am excited. When she is sick, I am sick. When she sings, I sing. When she dances, I dance. Despite the physical separation, we remain under the same stars, under the same covenant, under the same God. She and I are one.

I miss her terribly. I want to walk the dogs with her and feel them tug on the leash. I want to take her with me on my return trip to New York in June and see Hairspray with her. I want to turn with her in the middle of Times Square again. I want to go on day hikes with her. I want to hear her high-pitched scream as she plays with the dogs upon returning home from work. I want to hear her laugh and see the smile upon her face when I tell a stupid joke. I want to feel her small hand in mine again and cherish every moment of it. I want to hold her close to me as we watch our favorite shows together. I want to run my hand across her face while staring in her eyes. I want to feel the soft and passionate moisture of her lips against mine. I want to hear her stories about school and rejoice with her in her accomplishments. I want to pray with her and attend church with her. I want to learn to tithe as instructed with her. I want to surprise her with a picnic after church. I want to take photographs with her. I want to warm her side of the bed when the mattress is frigidly cold. I want to kiss her first thing in the morning even with morning breath and not flinch an ounce. I want to take dance lessons with her. I want to sing a duet with her. I want to be intimate with my wife, and not only in a sexual way but in a deeper more pure use of quality time. I want to kiss her neck again. I want to nibble on her ears again. I want to make love with my wife again. I want to go home to be with her and never leave her.

I miss seeing her knotted hair in the morning. I miss hearing her get ready for work. I miss preparing meals with her and sometimes for her. I miss her running her hands across my arms and telling me that I’m strong, despite my self-conscious feelings about my size. I miss her making jokes about my hairy butt. I miss her making fun of my sloth toe-nails. I miss her asking me what I want for dinner and having no idea. I miss being excited about her tacos and nachos combo. I miss looking into her eyes and seeing my future. I miss her ray of sunshine amidst the darkness in my life. I miss everything about my wife.

I love my wife so much. I desire nothing more than to get a chance to feel love reciprocated from her. I know that she is hesitant to believe that it can work, but I know it can. I know I can love her more than I ever have. I know that I can listen like I’ve never listened. I know that I can pray for and with her. I know that I can speak her languages. I know that I can be who she needs me to be. I know that I can be the pillar of strength that she needs in a husband. I know that I can do these things... not because she wants these things, but because I want to be them for her.

I desire to help my wife heal from my wrongdoings. I desire to regain and maintain the security of our relationship. I desire to sell our unwanted or unneeded possessions and start over. I desire to break the lease on the house with her. I desire to move with her to St. Louis. I desire to start anew. I desire to renew my vows with my wife. I desire to love her like she’s never been loved. I desire to write her a letter every day for the rest of our lives. I desire to sit and talk with her, uninterrupted, every day. I desire to grow old with her. I desire to die with her.

God please touch her. Let her hear you telling her how much I love and care for her. Plant within her a desire to try. God I know that with you nothing is impossible. You are the miracle-worker, the life-giver. Help her to see that our marriage can be resurrected and never return to its former life. May we find wholeness with you together and renew our love and vows for each other. Thank you for the beautiful picture of your marriage with the church, your bride. May we experience the same union that is only available through you.

I love Amie.

Divorce Journal Entry #49

2007-04-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

April 12, 2007
8:15 pm

I got my new phone in the mail yesterday. I loaded it with music that I used today while mowing. It was nice to not sit in silence with only my thoughts while the mower chugs away. Even with the distraction of the music and the mower I still constantly thought about Amie. I wonder what she’s doing. I wonder if she even slightly misses me.

I received an email from her this morning. She told me thank you for the painting and told me about her horrific experience at the dentist.

I want so badly to care for her right now. I want to make her meals, help her around the house, and take care of the dogs. I want to lighten her load so that she can relax as she’s experiencing the pain and sensitivity of the dental work.

I want to run my fingers through her hair as she lays her head across my lap. I want to scratch her back and set her at ease. I want to give her a massage and focus on her physical needs. I want to serve my wife.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the house to grab my suitcase for my trip to New York. I wonder if she’s mowed. The weather forecast is predicting rain all day tomorrow but if I wake early enough I might be able to beat the rain and mow for her.

I want to clean the house for her. Even though I haven’t seen her for nearly two weeks I want to unravel the cord on the vacuum cleaner and run it through the house for her. I want to dust, clean the stove, clean the white spots off of the mirrors. All of these things I want to do for her, but I’m afraid of going too far.

The counselor that I saw on Tuesday morning made an interesting statement. He told me that Amie is likely responding in one of three different ways to my letters, painting, mosaic, and words. One - She thinks I’m stalking her. Two - She is angered by the fact that I can’t just walk away from her. Three - She sees how much I love her and it could be making a positive impact.

I’m not sure which of these responses is most accurate. I’m sure the first one isn’t an issue, but believe that she could be angered by what I’m doing for her. She’s told me in the recent past not to spend any money on her, yet I continue. Love makes us sacrifice what we have, or in my case, what we don’t have for the benefit of the other. It took me three weeks to order a new phone at $40 for myself but dropping resources on twelve dozen roses comes so easily. I also have hope that these things are making a positive impact on her. I want nothing more than to be with her, and pray that she is beginning to feel the same about me.

In my letter that I mailed earlier this week I mentioned that I know our marriage could be a miracle marriage if she would just try. I know that I can meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. It seems silly that I can so affirmatively make this statement, but when I want nothing more than to be the man she needs it only makes sense that I would do anything and everything necessary to become that person. Thus, I know our marriage could be a testimony of God’s unfailing grace and mercy. But she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.

I sent a letter with the painting that I gave her. In it I made a statement that I would never hurt her again. I love her beyond belief and would rather die than put her through suffering, pain, or anguish ever again. I love her. I, again, can boldly say that I will never hurt her again. Again, she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.

Since she told me that she wanted a divorce I have thought at great length of what I will do should that time come. Even to the end, should it come, I will fight tooth and nail for our marriage. I will show her how much I love her, even if she’s unwilling to recognize it. Someday she will recount that I was kind, gentle, and loving to her throughout our separation and final divorce decree; should it come to that. I refused to be angry at her, bitter about the timing, or retaliatory... as most divorces are. I refused to give up and walk away as she seems to want me to do. I refused to be anything but caring and loving for her. May she see me for who I truly am.

It pains me to think of the possibility of an end to my marriage with her. I love Amie more than life itself. I cannot possibly imagine a life without her. I pray that she feels the same.

Divorce Journal Entry #48

2007-04-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

April 11, 2007
6:24 pm

Today was a better day. I read 1 Corinthians 13:13 which talks about Faith, Hope, and Love. This is my guiding beacon in the darkness without Amie.

Amie told me in the recent past that she doesn’t want to give me a false sense of hope about our relationship. I made it clear that she cannot rob me of my hope. I have still have hope.

Through everything that has happened in the last five weeks I have tried to make every act for Amie an act of love. I love her more than anything and am acting upon that love when I speak with her or do something for her. I still have love.

I have learned who I really am through everything that has happened. I have faith in God not only for my salvation, but for healing, peace, and comfort. I have faith that God can work a miracle in my marriage. I have faith.

If I have these three things, how can I fail at life? I have failed in my marriage at times. I have failed employers at times. I have failed my family and closest friends at times. But in life I am not a failure, but rather a beautiful picture of God’s saving grace.

Andrew took Amie my painting tonight. I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I hope that she likes it and doesn’t destroy it. I pray that she sees the time and effort that was put into it. I hope that it is ever clearer to her how much she means to me. She is my life. I cannot imagine a life without her.

I love my wife.

Divorce Journal Entry #47

2007-04-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

April 10, 2007
9:20 pm

Today was not a bad day.

I woke early and worked on the painting for Amie for about an hour before I got cleaned up and went and saw a counselor within the church. I spent two hours talking to him. It was nice to cry and share my heart with a listening ear.

Afterwards I was determined to finish my painting for Amie. This was my third painting, and by far the most difficult. Creating the text was tough, but the pinstriping was probably the hardest. Overall I’m very pleased with how it turned out. I hope that she sees the love and time that it took to make it for her.

Tonight I attended a Bible study group in midtown Tulsa, at a LifeChurch member’s house. We discussed the book of Ruth. There were several things about that story that I had never seen before that resounded to me.

We began discussing Naomi’s response when she returned to her home land. She says that God has cursed her and asked to be called by a name that means “bitter”. Some of the people in the group questioned Naomi’s heart for the Lord, but I totally understood her cries. The actual Hebrew word used by Naomi means that God has “done evil” to her. I can understand and relate to having that same thought and feeling within the last month at one time or another. She saw no reason to have hope and her world was filled with darkness.

She does, however, later in the book praise the Lord for what Boaz is doing. She finally saw a ray of sunshine in her dark world. Her heart wasn’t in the wrong place, she was human. She had difficulty accepting the circumstances behind her losses but was quick to praise the Lord at the first glimmer of hope.

And how amazing is it that Ruth, a woman who seemed to have no reason to find hope, became part of the lineage that ultimately brought hope to the world.

What a great picture of how we come to God and lie at His feet to be accepted and redeemed... just as Boaz redeemed Ruth.

In my darkness I know that there is light and hope somewhere. May God redeem me and help me to find healing in a cancerous world.

Divorce Journal Entry #46

2007-04-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

April 7, 2007
5:56 am

I abandoned the journal for awhile as I’ve found therapy in several other activities. But I have some thoughts that I wanted to collect.

I’ve spent the last several hours deep in the valley in terms of the roller coaster of emotions I’m experiencing. I truly feel unloved by my wife... and it hurts.

My in-laws are at my house as we speak. They’ve been there for just over a day so far. Andrew dropped me off from mowing yesterday and went to my house to visit with them. Amie, of course, is there. I told Andrew to enjoy my house sarcastically while inside I was crying out. I didn’t ask for this separation, but instead have been outspoken against it. I continue to do acts of love for Amie, but feel ignored. I want so badly to hear her say that she loves me but every time I check my email or phone, nothing. Yet they all sit at my house, watching my tv, sitting on my couch, playing cards on my table. They laugh as they play games, tell jokes, and have meals together; while I sit in the dark with a hood over my head from the cold.

She told me a few weeks ago that her family didn’t even want her to marry me. She may have intended no harm, but that statement hurt me. Does she think that my family was excited about me marrying her? Don’t get me wrong, my family loves her to death, but they didn’t support my decision either. But I left my family to join in union with her. Every time I was having issues with Amie my parents would immediately tell me to go be with her and work things out. They didn’t care who was right and who was wrong. It was about me and my wife... no one else. They recognized the need for me to patch my relationship with her and not walk away. Yet, I feel as if I am not receiving the same courtesy from her family. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t heard a word from them; despite sending a birthday package and them being in town. I love her family regardless of how they feel towards me or what they do to me.

Does she not see that I love her, or does she not care? I’m not sure which is worse. She has said that she needed me to be more repentant in the past for what I’d done. She’s talked about Jamin and how he fell on his face before Christy in repentance. I truly was and am sorry for what I’ve done to Amie. I know that I should have shown more repentance in the past, but does she not see that I’m broken for what I’ve done to her? Does she care? I will admit that I should have been more sympathetic and repentant in the past about what happened, but I believe it is more important that I have come to her and cried before her in remorse... even if it was months later. I haven’t shrugged it off, but rather have shown deep sorrow and regret for my past actions. Can she not see that or is she just angry at me? I pray that she sees my repentant heart, forgives me, and allows me to help her heal... instead of just walking away from me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired of working so hard just to make a dollar. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of loving but not feeling loved. I’m tired of not hearing from my wife. I’m tired of my wife not desiring me. I’m tired of feeling crushed inside. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of crying. At times I’m tired of breathing.

I told a counselor last week that I’m too chicken to hurt myself. While I believe this to be true, I just want my pain to stop. This weekend my mind has been flooded with thoughts of hurting myself, which scares me. I want to feel recognized, loved, and desired by Amie... that’s all.

She’s told me in the recent past that when our marriage was in trouble she told herself that she would make the marriage work or die trying. I’m extremely proud that she stood strong then, but what about today? Can’t she see that I love her immensely, yet she turns a cold shoulder and gives up. It doesn’t make any sense to me... no matter how hard I try.

Well, I guess now I’m seeing it from her perspective. I’m going to continue to do everything I can to show her how much I love her and make this marriage work, or die trying.

Divorce Journal Entry #45

2007-03-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

March 23, 2007
6:51 am

Well I woke up again this morning alone. It’s not getting any easier for me. Last night at about 1 a.m. a storm rolled through. The dogs woke me up as they both jumped on the bed afraid of the thunder. Twix cuddled next to me on my right while Snickers cuddled on my left. As nice as it was to cuddle with both of my dogs, it wasn’t a complete feeling. I missed my wife.

I have noticed myself doing some strange behaviors that may be deemed as normal for grievers. As I said in a previous journal I find myself talking to her when she’s not here. I turn on lights in dark rooms just hoping to see her inside asleep. Every time I look in the garage or at the driveway my mind tricks me into believing that I see her car. All of these things, of course are in my mind. I have been sleeping on her side of the bed this week. I want to feel close to Amie, to smell her hair and her body wash. I cannot discount my feelings and believe these actions to be normal considering that I’m grieving.

I desire nothing more than for Amie to reciprocate my love; for her to give me the chance to speak in her languages and see where God takes our relationship. Should our relationship fail after that, then I cannot question her desire should she continue to desire a divorce.

If I have one piece of advice for her I would tell her to follow her heart. Yes, she has told her family that she’s seeking a divorce. Yes, she has talked to the landlord about breaking the lease. Yes, she has applied for teaching positions in St. Louis. Yes, she has seen a divorce attorney. And yes, we have discussed eliminating our debts. Even though all of those things have been done it is never too late to work on our relationship. I pray that if she even barely believes that it could work that she would give it a shot. Don’t deny your heart, but rather follow it.

A man or woman who fails to follow their heart will not find rest. The mind is a powerful thing and can make us believe things that aren’t completely accurate. If she has a shred of a belief that things could work I pray that she sees what lies behind that shred.

My selfishness would like for me to believe that she knows it could work, but that she’s just tired. Running away will not bring rest, but rather turmoil… even if peace seems to exist. Don’t deny your heart.

My hope is small, but it is not diminished. My wife told me that she doesn’t want me to have a false hope in something that has no hope. The one thing that she cannot and will not rob me of is hope. I will continue to hope and pray that we can find rest together, forever together. I will never lose hope.

I love you Amie K. Nothing can or ever will change that. You are my source of joy, my lifesong, my life. I will forever love you.

Divorce Journal Entry #44

2007-03-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

8:52 pm

Another day is over. Living life from day-to-day is very difficult. It seems that each evening I’m relieved to have made it through another day. Just over two weeks without my wife has gone by, and each day has been a struggle. The thought of living the rest of my life without her seems impossible.

I talked to her today for 14 minutes. She sounded like herself again, not distant at all. We talked about the dogs and how things are going for her in St. Louis. How I wish I could be there with her, or her here with me. She didn’t tell me that she loved me again today; making the third consecutive time. As much as it stings not to hear her say those words, just to hear her voice is soothing.

I have been thinking at great length about the night she and I went to see The Wiz. During the evening her eyes began to fill with tears approximately 10 or so times. Was she tearing up because she still has feelings for me? Did she push me away from her in order to not have those conflicting feelings?

It makes sense to me that she would remove all of the pictures so she wouldn’t have to face any images of me, as it would make a divorce harder. But if she still has feelings why would she deny them and continue to pursue a divorce? I fear that someday she will realize how much I really did love her and she will question her decision. I think this primarily because she hasn’t been open to trying to make it work any longer. I could understand that if she gave it every effort she had just once more that she could live with a clear conscience for the rest of her life. I say once more because she has made it clear that she has tried for the last couple of years to make it work. However, as I stated in my first journal entry, I couldn’t fix something that I didn’t notice was broken. So now that I know it has problems or is broken, can she walk away with a clear conscience knowing that I am doing everything I can to make it work? This is just one of several questions that I have.

I am desperately trying to give her the space that she has requested. Someone told me the other day that the fat lady hasn’t sang yet, and for me to push things upon Amie is like shoving the fat lady onto the stage. So I am struggling to give her the space that she has asked. Yet at the same time, if I just walk away from her and let her file without making any effort I could not rest in peace about this situation for the rest of my life. As the authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook stated, a divorce is an incomplete relationship for the person who is walked away from. In order for them to recover from their grief they must seek completeness in that relationship. Thus, my actions and words of love towards her now not only help me to hold onto an ounce of hope, but it should help me in the future to find completeness should she continue to walk away. So my reasons for showing her love are multi-faceted.

Amie told me approximately a week ago that she has given up her dreams, desires, and goals for our relationship. The interesting thing is that she doesn’t have to abandon those things for our relationship. I am fully willing and prepared to seek her dreams, desires, and hopes as my own. She has expressed great interest in teaching in St. Louis. Should she give our relationship just one more shot I would love to pack up and move with her. The situation is not an either/or situation. It’s not EITHER her dreams, goals, and desires OR me. Amie’s dreams are my dreams. Her desires are my desires. Her goals are my goals. I hope that she sees that she can have her cake and eat it too, because that’s exactly what I’m wanting to do. I want to help provide my wife with the happiness that she deserves.

She may not have seen it before, but when Amie experienced an emotion I experienced it with her. When she was doubting her ability to sing, my heart broke and tried to restore that within her. When she would laugh, my soul would laugh. When she would cry, my heart would break and cry with her. Amie is not just a part of my life, she is my life.

I have noticed within the last few days how much more specific my prayers have been. Before I was praying that God would soften her heart, provide me with wisdom, and heal my broken emotions. The closer I get to God the more I am beginning to ask for specific things. I am now praying that God would not only soften her heart, but that he would give her an innate desire to give our relationship a chance. That she would someday want things to work and be willing to give it a chance.

I finished reading The Five Love Languages this morning and remember reading story after story about marriages that were terminal, but God restored their marriage. It doesn’t make sense to me how if there’s a chance for God to work a miracle in our relationship why she’s not willing to even try. I mentioned in a previous journal entry that a divorce creates a gash that will forever bleed and never fully heal. Why is she so adamant about a divorce when the chance exists? Only she and God fully understand her thoughts and heart. If I need to I will pray for years to come that God will break my wife’s heart and bring her back to me.

I finished the mosaic today. It took me approximately 25 hours to complete, but it was worth every minute. Not only did it serve as a sort of therapy for me, but it was a very peaceful and relaxing thing to do. For those 25 hours I can honestly say that I was thinking about nothing but my wife, and loving her even though she wasn’t present to receive my love. It provided me with a constant thought and prayer for my wife and for 25 hours. It wasn’t easy for me to make it, because I’ve never done a mosaic before… much more a tile mosaic. But it was worth every minute, even if she sees it and shrugs it off.

I love Amie. If all of these acts of love do nothing more for her, I pray that she sees how much I love her. William Shakespeare once said, “love sought is good, but given unsought is better.” Amie is a love that was unsought. She is my life, my love, my bride. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.

I love you so much Amie. Sleep well tonight and I hope to hear from you tomorrow.

Divorce Journal Entry #43

2007-03-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

March 22, 2007
7:51 am

I love Amie. Nothing can or ever will change that. Yet another empty house that I find myself seeing her in, but she’s not here.

This morning I was reading The Five Love Languages. There is another familiar story that seems to be very similar to Amie and me on pages 141 – 145. Dr. Chapman closes that section by saying, “can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.” I love my wife and I believe that I’m beginning to speak her language.

After being confronted by a woman who asked him if it’s possible to love someone you hate, Dr. Chapman then talks somewhat about his difficult past with his wife on page 148.

“We reflected on the early days of our own marriage and remembered that we had often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What makes the difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love. We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning, we would destroy our marriage.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 148

Is Amie filled with anger and resentment? If so, I pray that God gives me the knowledge and strength to help her through this. The thought of my wife experiencing those emotions towards me hurts.

Dr. Chapman then says on page 151, “when the [emotional] tank is low… we have no love feelings towards our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.” I pray that Amie can forgive me for not speaking her language all this time. It only made sense to me that acts of service and gifts would speak as highly to her as it did to me. Dr. Chapman has stated throughout this book that this is a common misconception among marriages. I love my wife and long to show her in her language. I believe this can fill her tank and allow our marriage to grow.

“Certainly we do not have warm feelings for people who hate us. That would be abnormal, but we can do loving acts for them. That is simply a choice. We hope that such loving acts will have a positive effect upon their attitudes and behavior and treatment. But at least we have chosen to do something positive for them.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 156

I’m not saying that Amie hates me. Only she knows what feelings she has when she looks at me. But even though she is not seeking healing in this relationship, I will continue to do loving acts for her. I pray that she sees my deep love for her and responds just a bit. I pray that this shower of love fills her love tank just enough that she responds lovingly. If that is the case I will spend time everyday speaking her language and filling her tank. If she should not respond to my love, I pray that someday she sees how much I truly care.

In closing his book on page 174, Dr. Chapman makes one last statement that stood out to me. He says, “when the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.”

May God soften Amie’s heart and give her a peace concerning our relationship. May she see that things can and will be different; that I truly desire to meet her needs. I love Amie, my wife and friend.

Divorce Journal Entry #42

2007-03-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

March 21, 2007
9:49 pm

Wow, what a day. I worked my butt off today to make a few dollars. It’s so hard to think that I’m doing this just to make ends meet right now. I don’t mind working hard at all, but to think that every dollar is vitally important sucks.

I meant to write this morning, but was busy trying to get things together for the long day ahead.

This morning while reading The Five Love Languages I was floored to see some of the author’s statements. I found them profoundly similar to my story.

“How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, ‘I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.’ I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 129

This sounds very familiar to what Amie told me on our wedding day.

“But as I stand here now, I vow to love you through it all. Love is a choice. It is not just a feeling or emotion. Day after day, it is a conscious choice. I vow to love you for the rest of my life. I vow to wake up every morning and consciously choose to love you that day. When life is chugging away, careers are in full force, kids are screaming and the house is in dire need of a good cleaning, I vow to remember our love.”

Amie had things figured out. She knew that love was a conscious choice, just as the author states. But where does that stand for her today? Has she forgotten that her love is a conscious choice or has she refused to care? Has she taken the roll of judge as the author presents on page 46?

On the following page the author makes another fitting statement.

“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 130

“Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 132

This is what I want to provide to Amie, and have no doubt that I can provide it abundantly. Why is she so closed to allowing me the chance? She says it’s too little too late, but nothing is too little or too late when it comes to love. She can choose to allow me the chance to fill her love tank, and I pray that she does.

Dr. Chapman tells a story in pages 130 – 135 that was very much alike my situation with my wife, with a few minor exceptions. That couple worked through it… why can’t we? He says at the end of the story that “the key to the rebirth of their marriage was discovering each other’s primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently.” I am convinced that should Amie chose forgiveness we can and will be reborn just the same.

He continues by saying that “when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.” The act of quality time by listening, taking walks, playing Frisbee, or planting flowers doesn’t come naturally to me, but I want to do these things for my wife. Providing words of affirmation is not natural for me, but I want to work on it and uplift her through those. Personal touch, as she clearly knows, is not easy for me, yet I want to speak that language to her. Those are her needs and I desperately want the chance to provide them to her and watch our marriage heal and blossom.

“The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does our emotions return, and our love tank begins to fill.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 136

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
1)Ephesians 5:28

Divorce Journal Entry #41

2007-03-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

8:31 pm

All day long I’ve yearned to talk to my wife. I finally had a reason to contact her, so I called.

It was so soothing to hear her voice again. I can listen to those voicemails all I want, but the interaction of actually talking to her gives me an indescribable joy. I miss my wife.

Earlier today I was at my parent’s house doing some work for them. I told my mother how desperately I miss my wife. She asked me if it was Amie that I missed or companionship. I promptly answered “Amie”.

Loneliness doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t bother me. Being without Amie scares me. That bothers me. She is my source of joy; definition of love. Without joy and love I’m scared.

Yesterday I mowed the yard and removed limbs. I raked around the fence line and filled 19 trash bags full of leaves. I didn’t think it would have been nearly that many. Yet, after realizing what I got myself into I never thought twice about completing it. Nothing is too big if it’s for my wife.

I planted some flowers for her today. I’m not sure that it’s the type of flowers that she would like or the colors that she would chose, but nonetheless it’s the thought. I felt like a blind man playing poker when trying to dig the holes, but I think it turned out nicely. I can only hope that this act of love fills her tank an ounce.

I have had a few people ask me why I’ve put so much time into the mosaic or why I keep doing things for her. They don’t seem to understand how in a situation that would seemingly have no hope, why I continue to hope. Why I continue to labor over these acts of service for her.

The answer to the above question is multi-faceted. First, I love my wife. Secondly, it keeps me thinking of how much I love her. Third, it seems to be good therapy for me in dealing with the current situation. Fourth, any chance I have to fill her tank an ounce I’m going to take. Fifth, I don’t ever want to question if I could have done anything more to fix this marriage. And lastly, should a divorce happen I believe that it will help me to find completion in an incomplete relationship.

The bottom line is that I love Amie more than anything. That’s why she’s the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thought I have when I finally find rest. She is a part of me; a part that is not easily dismissed.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”
1)Jeremiah 33:6

Divorce Journal Entry #40

2007-03-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

March 20, 2007
7:00 am

Last night was yet again another restless night. I woke up this morning wanting my wife so badly to come home. The word “miss” doesn’t hardly seem accurate.

I sat and began to read from The Five Love Languages. A couple statements stood out to me.

“Many of us are like Patrick. We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 63

Reading this made me remember the day that my wife broke her glasses. She was devastated. She was not only upset for breaking them, but was afraid that we couldn’t afford to purchase new glasses for her. I remember looking at her analytically, not sympathetically. I offered a solution, not condolence.

I know that the above example seems rather small, but that’s what she wanted me to do with her. After allowing her to vent her frustrations, then she would seek a solution. I only offered a solution.

“One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first major league baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh, yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 71

The above statement made me think of memories that Amie and I have shared together. Below is a short list:
Walking through the fog while in college
Dancing on a frozen river and writing “I love you” in the snow
Working with kids at Center Baptist Church
Going to the grocery store and seeing my wife wearing a hairnet in the deli
Riding the motorcycle with my her
The joy of our first place together
A comedy theater and dinner in Chicago
Racing to the car while running through the wind and rain on the Chicago pier
Standing in Times Square
Having two portraits drawn of us
Her sitting with me while I was at the hospital
Racing sandals while watching the tide come in at the Jamaica resort
Sharing seats together as the Braves played the Cardinals in Busch stadium
Sitting with her while she got her tattoo
Standing on the roof of our house watching fireworks
The gracious look on her face during Christmas 2006 while opening gifts
Crying at the academy after seeing her car waiting outside to surprise me

I yearn to be with my wife again; to make more memories. God please provide me with the wisdom and strength.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
1)Psalm 46:1

Divorce Journal Entry #39

2007-03-19T22:14:00.000-07:00

10:14 pm

I want so desperately to talk to my wife. Every day I’ve wanted to call her, just to say I love you. But I know that she needs her space. So I await her call.

Every time my phone rings, my heart skips a beat… hoping it’s her. And each time my feelings are crushed to realize it’s someone else. I almost hate answering the phone.

I have a couple of voicemails on my phone that I’ve saved from her. These voicemails were not happy times, but nonetheless I am able to hear her voice when I want. Although I cannot communicate back, just her voice soothes me.

I have found myself lately talking to her, but she’s not around. I wish she would call.

I’ve also found myself coming home after working somewhere hoping to see her car in the driveway. I know that this is not a realistic expectation because she’s with her family, but I hope anyhow.

While showering I find myself dreaming of her just opening the door and saying hi. When I step out of the shower and walk into the bedroom I pray that she’s in the room wanting to talk.

Why is it that I feel this way?

I miss all the little things that she does. My life is in going through an abnormal state and my heart wants it to be normal. My mind tells me that it could be normal; that today is a new day, a new life.

Yet I still find myself waiting.

I miss my wife.

Divorce Journal Entry #38

2007-03-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

8:32 pm

I just finished meeting with a counselor. He made some very interesting points that I wish to remember.

He told me that one thing a wife needs more than anything is security. She has left the umbrella of her family and entered under the wing of her husband. She desires financial, emotional, and physical security. As a husband it is my utmost priority to provide my wife with those securities.

He said that my past actions have jeopardized that security. He offered me hope however by stating that those securities can be reestablished with time. He told me, with his wife sitting next to him, that he has been married 34 years. He told me that from 1986 – 1996 he entered into 10 different relationships with women other than his wife. He told me that all he desired from his wife was acknowledgment of what he’d done for her, but that it seemed non-existent. He told me that he sought those feelings from other people, only to find that they would last for a short while. He told me that it took he and his wife the past 10 years to rebuild their securities with one another. Nothing is impossible with God.

He told me that I cannot change my wife. I can only change me. He told me that when the smoke clears it will be seen as to who I really am. Through the events of the past year I believe that I’ve already found who I am. I believe that I am a loving, caring, humble, and patient man of God. He told me that should I maintain my integrity and humility that someday Amie will see who I really am. Then she will be able to reexamine me and those feelings of security will likely return.

Divorce Journal Entry #37

2007-03-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

March 19, 2007
7:17 am

I woke up this morning in our bed alone. My mind instantly filled with what Amie is really saying when she says she wants a divorce.

“I no longer love you.”
“I no longer desire you.”
“I do not want a life with you anymore.”
“My future does not include you.”
“I do not want to talk to you daily.”
“I do not want to share moments with you anymore.”
“I do not forgive you.”
“I do not desire intimacy with you.”
“I do not want to be close to you.”
“Our marriage means nothing.”
“I want out.”
“I would rather be alone than with you.”
“I do not care how you feel.”
“I do not care what you want.”
“I do not care about us.”
“My dreams and goals are more important than you.”
“I do not want our marriage to work.”

All of these thoughts deeply sadden me. I want nothing more than the exact opposite of what she’s saying.

“Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”
1)Isaiah 57:2

Last night I was reading further in The Grief Recovery Handbook. A few different thoughts stood out to me.

“Bedevilment is the opposite of enshrinement. The griever has a litany of complaints detailing a lifetime of mistreatment. They are unwilling to let go of disappointments and anger. With bedevilment, the griever clings to the negatives just as the enshriner clings to the positives, but neither views the entire relationship.

All relationships include both positive and negative interactions. We know that you can complete grief only by being totally honest with yourself and others.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 53-54

Further in the book, the authors begin to offer steps for grievers that will help in the recovery stage. The first of these steps is choosing to recover. They suggest three words that will help a griever begin the process of recovery: different, better, or more.

“Whether the loss is a death, a divorce, or a painful estrangement from another person, the question ‘What do you wish had been different, better, or more?’ will always help you find what is incomplete.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 61

Although I do believe that Amie knows that I love her, I wish I had told her more. I wish I had been more vocal with her about my feelings towards her. I would hold her more, and stimulate her emotionally more. I would communicate with her differently, in her own language. I would respond better to her sorrow and show more enthusiasm in her joy. I would focus more intently on filling her tank.

“What ruins the picnic - the rain or one’s attitude about the rain? This is a trick question. The answer is both. The rain really does ruin the picnic, but you cannot do anything about the rain, you can only deal with your reaction to the rain. The same is true of almost all losses. What causes my grief – the loss or my reaction to the loss? Again, the answer is both. While we cannot undo what has happened, we can do something about our reaction. We can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain, disappointment, frustration, and heartache caused by what has happened.”
- The Grief Recover Handbook, p. 64

I have remained fervent in prayer that God will provide me with humility and love in each encounter with Amie. I truly believe that he has done that for me. I do not believe that I could react any better to the agony that I’m feeling. Should a divorce come to fruition, I want to know for the rest of my life that I handled it as well as I possibly could and as lovingly as I possibly could.

Divorce Journal Entry #36

2007-03-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

March 18, 2007
7:54 pm

I had abandoned this journal, but I feel that it is essential in my healing and recovery from grief.

I have been reading a couple of books lately to help me through this process. I picked up a copy of “The Five Love Languages”. This book has helped me to recognize several things pertaining to my relationship with my wife that I hadn’t previously known. It also has provided me with reassurance as to how things have taken place in the past. The second book I’m reading is “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. This book has been a God-send as it speaks directly to me. It addresses several of the feelings I’ve had and is designed to help the reader truly recover from an event that causes grief, rather than hide it.

I have described the recent events with my wife to people as an overwhelming sense of various emotions. It has been exhausting going from day-to-day because I have experienced a roller coaster of feelings; changing as quickly as the wind. The Grief Recovery Handbook acknowledges this as the definition of grief.

“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 3

I talked with Andrew a few days ago about various things that people have said to me that have been intended for good, but instead caused further pain and resentment.

“I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been through it three times.” – Lowes worker
“Someday you’ll find someone else.” – My wife
“At least you don’t have children together.” – Almost everyone
“You’ll do better next time.” – Family friend
“Women think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” – Landlord
“She’s probably cheating.” – Directv Customer Service Rep.

I don’t want someone to tell me that they know how I feel. Yes, they may have experienced a divorce in the past, but their story is theirs and my story is mine. No one knows how I feel. Why do they try to discount my pain with their own?

I don’t want to find someone else. I have found my joy and have no desire to think of anyone else. The thought of touching, seeing, or speaking to anyone as I do my wife sickens me.

What if I want children together? I would love to stare a child in the eyes and see Amie and me in those eyes looking back at me. Would it make a divorce more difficult? Sure. But I want to experience children with her someday.

Can I do better? I don’t think so. My wife is everything to me, nothing less. I find it hard to believe that someone better exists for me. The thought alone is adulteress.

Does Amie think the grass is greener elsewhere? Only she and God know. How is this statement supposed to comfort or console me?

And finally, who the hell is the Directv lady to tell me that my wife is probably cheating. I would agree that if she is even remotely emotionally attached to anyone then yes, she is cheating. But only she and God know. The point is that this statement is more hurtful to me that helpful.

So what do I need from people? What can they say to me that genuinely shows empathy?

“I cannot begin to understand what you’re feeling.” – Very few people
“I’ve been through a divorce before, but I cannot say that I know how you feel.”
– Federal Probation and Parole Officer
“My heart breaks for you.” – Sunday School Teacher
“I have been praying for you.” – Several people

Those statements provide me with comfort. These people recognize that I may not be experiencing what they themselves have experienced. They know that my feelings are just that, mine. They do not try to mitigate my pain.

In The Grief Recovery Handbook, the authors discuss that time, solitude, or replacement are not healthy ways to deal with grief; more specifically, divorce. Instead they refer to a divorce as an unfinished relationship. In order to effectively recover from divorce they suggest that the grievant finish the unfinished. Perhaps that is why I have such a desire to show my wife in several different ways that I love her, and vow to love her even should a divorce happen.

They discuss the issue of guilt, also known as the “G” word. They note that the dictionary definition of guilt implies an intent to harm. Though some people may argue otherwise, I never intended to harm or hurt my wife. I have hurt my wife, but the absence of intent relieves me of a feeling of guilt. Or so suggest the authors.

A few long statements in The Five Love Languages further addressed my painful past.

“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we don’t always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes said and done hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and asked forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I chose justice and chose to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I chose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 46

In order for love to prevail in my relationship with my wife, she must be willing to forgive me of my past. I have expressed deep remorse and begged her for forgiveness. As supported by Scripture and noted in The Five Love Languages, my wife now should forgive. This, as stated below in the next quote, does not eliminate the pain of the wrongdoing, but is necessary as an act of love.

“The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can chose to live today free of the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. ‘I love you. I care about you, and I chose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here.’ Those are the words of affirmation expressed in the dialect of kind words.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 47

I pray that my wife seeks forgiveness. I pray that the greatest moments and sense of love are yet to come. I pray that my hopes, dreams, and goals with Amie are a thing of the future, not the past. I love my wife.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1)1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Divorce Journal Entry #35

2007-03-15T03:48:00.000-07:00

March 15, 2007
3:48 am

I lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling. Amie told me last night at the house that she saw a divorce attorney and picked up the paperwork to file. She told me that she wasn’t sure if she would be able to get it in by the end of the week or not, but that once the paperwork is submitted it could be finalized in 10 days.

Why did I feel like I had to beg her to wait for my criminal proceedings to finish? Does she not understand that the one thing I never thought would leave me is now gone? The only thing I care about has crashed my world in the last 10 days, and I have to beg for her to wait? She said she would wait until March 27, 2007, my preliminary hearing.

So if I do the numbers correctly I will have gone from laying my wife on the bed to divorce finalization in 30 days. Maybe I could write a book.

Please excuse my sarcasm, as I am filled with several different emotions.

She said again last night that she has given up her dreams, that she has sacrificed her desires, that she needs to discover who she is, that she needs to move on, that she needs to focus on her needs, etc etc.

She said again that she has given to this relationship, that she has said what she needs, that she has wanted it to work, that she was now tired.

Am I wrong in saying that the problem isn’t me but is spelled “s-h-e”?

When we got married WE sacrificed OUR dreams, WE changed OUR desires, WE needed to discover who WE were, WE agreed to move on together, WE began to focus on OUR needs. We did all of these things because it was no longer she and me, but us.

And you know, we’ve both given and taken throughout this relationship. We’ve both been selfish at times, in different ways. We are both guilty of it from time to time. I’ll spare you the list.

She implies that she understands what I’m feeling and going through because she’s been contemplating a divorce for two years. I beg to differ, she has no idea. In two years time someone is able to rethink their dreams, goals, desires, and lifestyle. They prepare for what they see to be an inevitable happening, thus lessening the shock value if/when it occurs. Think on the other side of the spectrum. Over the last year and a half I have refocused my life to complement my wife more. I began to see a new hope, changed my desires to fit her, and saw a future that included her. I even opened a bank account where I saved money that we could hardly afford to save, just so I could do something special for her from time to time. Then, instantly everything’s stripped from me. All of those dreams and goals of a future… lost. Every thought, dream, desire, and hope for the future included her. Everything instantly gone with her saying that she doesn’t want it to work. She cannot begin to understand the magnitude of my pain, confusion, and disorientation.

I’m exhausted both emotionally and physically, but I refused to give up. I refused to walk away. I refused to quit.

Well, in the end my enemies have taken everything from me. Fuck them.

I want to scream, but yet I want to cry. I want to lash out, but yet I love her too much. I want to walk into the house, grab my remaining clothes and bills, split the funds, and walk out… never to speak again. Yet, I want to sit peacefully and finish the mosaic of her.

I heard of a preacher once who was talking about when his wife left him and divorced him. He said that he would rather die than experience those pains again. I would have to agree with him.

I have thought for the past few days which would be worse: your spouse dying in a car accident, or experiencing an unwanted divorce. Everyone that I talked to agreed, divorce is worse. At least with a death you don’t see your loved one walking away from you; although divorce in and of itself is a form of death.

My ring holds immeasurable value to me. I will continue to wear it until it no longer holds legal value. Then it will never return to my finger.

I echo what the counselor told me on the first day. It doesn’t matter how badly I want it to work if she’s not willing to try. This sobering truth is exactly what’s happening. But I remained fervent in prayer for her and held onto hope. I will continue to do those things because hope is all that’s holding me together at this point.

I found a text message on my phone this morning that Amie sent me on January 18, 2007. It said, “I am very proud to call u my husband. Luv u!” My first thought was “apparently not”, but I later reminded myself that I am incredibly proud to call her my wife. And will be until the day it is no more.

Should things have worked out I planned on she and me flying to New York for a couple days and going to see “Hairspray” on Broadway. We don’t necessarily have the money to do something like this, but I reviewed my various accounts searching for a way to do that for her. I knew that she would see my love through this. I deeply love my wife and always will.

In the end, I can say confidently that I could not have handled this phase any better. Nothing that I could do would change the outcome. It’s just sad that my first indication of her considering divorce was also the point things became “too little too late.”

Everyone agrees that I made some mistakes, but up until the end I was doing something loving for her. As I sat at the computer typing our property dispersion, I listened to our wedding album to make me mindful of that day. The first thing she and I ever did together was see The Wizard of Oz and sadly the last thing we ever did together was see The Wiz. While she was in an attorney’s office gathering information about a divorce, I was in the garage making her a mosaic. I believe that my words, tone, and actions were loving in every way.

God, if this is the consequence of my mistakes then I’m willing to painfully accept it, but I’ll never understand it. Provide me with the peace and healing that only you can provide.

So another chapter to my life has come to an end.

“…we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5

Divorce Journal Entry #34

2007-03-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

March 14, 2007
1:33 pm

I just finished working for Ron this morning. Ron is a great caring friend to have who has experienced the pains of the divorce.

After climbing into the truck to head back to the house I noticed that I had missed a call. I checked my voicemail and heard that it was Amie. She said that there are a few things that she wants to talk about.

At first my mind flooded with positive thoughts. Perhaps this was a sign that she was beginning to miss me. Maybe she had finally talked with someone about what’s going on and she’s decided to hear me out. Is she willing to let me fill her tank?

Then I realized that the chances of that are incredibly slim. Nothing has happened so far in the last week and a half to even suggest to me that she cares how I feel.

Most likely she’ll tell me that she’s going to file for divorce, despite my only request for her to wait until after my criminal stuff is dismissed. If this is the case it will officially tell me that she no longer cares. Being separated, not talking to her, doing things with her, and hearing her feelings have been hard enough. I cannot possibly handle this as well.

Or maybe she’ll just tell me that she doesn’t want me to stay in the house next week. Not sure why that would be something she would change her mind about, but it’s possible.

Although I maintain hope, I’m not very optimistic. If she told me that she wanted to even TRY to make it work I would go through the ceiling with excitement. Even if I wasn’t prepared for it that’s how I’d react, because I want nothing more than a chance. So, I’m preparing for the worst. Anything would be better than hearing of her desire to file now.

God please protect my heart. Guide my mind and my mouth. Regardless of what she may tell me may she see my overwhelming love for her.

I miss my wife.

Divorce Journal Entry #33

2007-03-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

10:46 pm

Several thoughts are filling my mind right now.

Amie’s journal talked about stealing her joy. When she decorated the house, I criticized. When we took photo competitions, I won. I never ever intended to hurt my wife this way. She is my one true passion, nothing else.

Amie, I want you, nothing more. I want you for who you are. I want to stand beside you through this journey of life and support you. I want nothing else but you.

My heart shatters the more I think of what’s happening. If only I had known she felt this way. I never intended to hurt her, ever.

What I wouldn’t give to have a garage sale and sell all of our stuff, only to replace it with things she wants how she wants it. All of that stuff is material to me… nothing more. She is everything to me… nothing less.

How I would love to step back in time and be more vocal about her pictures. I wish I could react more affectionately when she tells me that she was voted coolest 6th grade teacher. I would give anything to rewrite the past and not have made the mistakes I made. I want her to feel my love, not loneliness. I want her to look at me with desire, not disgust. I want her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is my life and my love. She is my #1 priority and has been.

Amie, I beg you to hear me when I tell you these things. I’m not trying to offer a temporary solution to a serious problem, but rather a lifetime of endless love. I want nothing more than you.

I keep replaying the song by Josh Groban titled “You’re still you.” Amie I have loved you from the beginning, but never as deeply as I’ve learned to in the last year. You’ve seen the changes I’ve made in my life. You’ve seen the joy I have when I talk about you. You’re my life.

I understand that some of these things are probably falling on deaf ears, and that spilling my heart is perhaps too late. But all of the feelings I’ve written in these 38 pages thus far are the truth about what you mean to me. Every waking moment away from you I struggle to maintain hope. But at this point hope is all I have.

Please let me come home. I want to fill your tank till it overflows. I want to tell you in your languages how much I love you. You’re my soul.

Amie, the thought of a divorce devastates me. Not because of the meaning of the word but because it means that my life will be without you. I love you and know that you love me. Our marriage still has love, something many marriages know nothing about. Because we still have love, let’s seek healing, but not give up. Let’s seek rest, together.

In my mind there is no chance of ever revisiting where we are now. It has been an overbearing wake-up call to me, one that makes me restless. One that makes me more than anything want to be your source of joy, your life, your love. I want you to see a God-fearing, patient, loving, and humble man when you look at me. I desire for you to see me as a beauty from ashes. I want to work through this time and someday tell a story of amazing grace.

Nothing brings me more joy than thinking of waking next to you for the rest of my life, nothing. At the same time nothing brings me more sorrow than the thought of losing that.

I love you more than you can imagine, but let me show you that. I love you so much Amie. You’re my heartbeat.

Divorce Journal Entry #32

2007-03-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

4:50 pm

I just received an email from Amie thanking me for helping her with the technology stuff at the house today. She still fails to tell me that she loves me. I cannot explain how badly this hurts me.

Why is my wife so closed to me? Is she repulsed by the very thought of me? Is she filled with anger and resentment for things I cannot change? Why can’t she see that my heart aches to be with her?

I love my wife and miss her deeply. I keep reminding myself that God is my source of hope, and that I must have hope or the enemy will win. Yet, it’s so hard to have hope when the door remains unanswered. Despite all of these feelings I must have hope.

I understand that the past is painful, but consider the future. I want to share endless memories with my wife and lift her up the way she needs to be lifted. I want to fill her tank until it overflows… and keep filling.

I desire to tell her that I love her more than ever, and to look intently into her eyes when she talks to me. I want to rejoice in her greatness and cry in her sorrow. I long to feel her embrace and vow to cherish it more now than ever.

Yet the door remains closed.

I want to give to her like I’ve never given to her. I want to pull her close to me and never let go. I want to laugh with her, to humiliate myself around her, to cherish her.

As much as I wish I could, I cannot change the past. I cannot remove any feelings of hostility that might be brewing within her. Only God can change those feelings as they are not from Him. But I’m a new man. I may have changed some, but deep inside I’m still the man she fell in love with… and I love her today more than I ever have.

I want to fulfill my covenant with her until the day I die. I want to unconditionally surrender my rights to her and be as one with her. I want to think daily about how to cherish her more. I want to wake each day and choose to love her more.

All of these feelings beat at the door, yet the door remains closed.

Divorce Journal Entry #31

2007-03-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

March 13, 2007
3:34 pm

I heard from my wife today. It was such a joy to hear her voice again.

She asked me about our cable/internet/phone services and wanted to know how she could cut back some services to save money. I told her what I knew.

She later called me back while I was working and left a voicemail. She asked me to help her with uninstalling a unit from the house.

I went to the house and walked in to be overcome with her scent. I cannot describe how badly I miss that scent.

I uninstalled the unit as she asked and returned it to the cable company. I also deposited every dollar I had, minus $20, into our Arvest checking account. The other $20 was deposited into the “Be Nice to Amie Fund.” I refuse to close that account until things are finalized and will continue to add funds when possible.

Should all of these things blow over I want to surprise my wife with plane tickets to NYC and show tickets to see Hairspray. She told me on Saturday night that this is the one show she wants to see more than any other. I hope that I can share the opportunity to see it with her.

I love doing acts of service for my wife. I have been fervent in prayer that I can continue to serve her and call her my wife for the rest of my life. In the meantime I will remain hopeful and seek healing.

Divorce Journal Entry #30

2007-03-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

March 12, 2007
2:37 pm

As I work
My heart is filled with sorrow for what I see.
Houses all around
With families inside.
Children laughing
As they play in the street,
Dogs barking
As a man walks his dog with his wife.
I used to experience
Some of life’s simple pleasures.
The joy of calling a house
A home.
The joy of hearing
Laughter in the park.
The joy of hearing my wife
Say I love you.
The joy of my dogs
As they groan in preparation for bed.
Why is it that all of these things
Mean so much more when they’re gone?
What I wouldn’t give
To experience these things again.
To lay close to my wife
When the house is cold.
To tell my dog to get off the bed
When he’s taking up all the room.
To see a smile upon my wife’s face
When I tell a joke.
To have my wife embrace me yet again
And tell me that I’m a good man.
I love my wife more than life itself,
Yet the feelings are not reciprocated.
Someday I hope to experience
These things with my wife again.

Divorce Journal Entry #28

2007-03-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

March 11, 2007
10:28 am

I went to Sunday School this morning as I told my wife I would. She told me that she wouldn’t be there, but I went anyhow and saved her a seat next to me. I fulfilled my promise and she painfully fulfilled hers.

Several things resounded to me during the class. The words of a song sang in the class helped me to find refuge.

You are holy You are holy
You are mighty You are mighty
You are worthy You are worthy
Worthy of praise Worthy of praise

I will follow I will follow
I will listen I will listen
I will love You I will love You
All of my days All of my days

I will sing to You are Lord of lords
And worship You are King of kings
The King who You are Mighty God
Is worthy Lord of everything
I will love an, You’re Emmanuel
Adore Him You’re the great I AM
I will bow down You’re the Prince of peace
Before Him Who is the Lamb
I will sing to You’re the Living God
And worship You’re my Saving Grace
The King who You will reign forever
Is worthy You are Ancient of Days
I will love and, You are Alpha, Omega
Adore Him Beginning and End
I will bow down You’re my Savior, Messiah
Before Him Redeemer and Friend

You’re my Prince of Peace
And I will live my life for You

During the message the teacher talked about fruit from the tree. The following passage spoke to me:

“Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”
1.Matthew 7: 17-18

I understand that this passage is talking about being wary of false prophets but it said something more to me today. It is not possible for me to be a man of good character with pure desires and goals unless that is truly who I am. My heart cries with compassion, humility, patience, and understanding; all of which are impossible unless I am a good tree.

I know that in the past I have done some horrible things to my wife, of which I am truly repentant. The teacher then noted the following passage:

“Then he told this parable: ‘A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tee and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’

‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”
-Luke 13:6-9

I understand that this passage is talking about spiritual fruit, but it too said something more to me. As I said above I have done some horrible things to my wife in the past, but they are just that… the past. My tree was barren for some time and did not produce anything nourishing or fulfilling. I was a waste of soil! But God renewed my heart and brought me to my knees. He loosened the soil around my roots and provided me with the fertilizer I needed. What once was a dead tree began to flourish and sprout fruit. It began to nourish as it should. This is my life.

Prior to the message I found an old sermon outline in my bible from preaching in Center. The verse studied in that message was:

“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation – if you continue in your faith established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel.”
- Colossians 1:21-23

Divorce Journal Entry #29

2007-03-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

8:32 pm

I just recently got back from church with J**** and A**** (friends). The message spoke to me as if it was written for me. I wish that Amie would have been with me.

His main points were:
Satan has a plan of attack
1)To lure you from God’s path.
Satan is the ultimate deceiver. He is a liar and will plant thoughts in our minds that lead to wrongful acts.
2)Train you for divorce.
Satan wants us to believe that divorce is an option. That it is a way out. For a Christian, divorce is not an option especially when both parties love each other and agree that they can heal from painful events.
3)Rob you of hope.
Satan will make us start looking at other relationships around us and convince us that other people have it easier. He will cause great events in another couple’s life (having a child, new house, successful careers) to cause us to rethink our commitment and obligation to remain with each other. He will tell us that there is no hope.

Marriage is a covenant, not a contract.
Covenant – the unconditional surrender of your rights while increasing your responsibilities.
Contract – a conditional agreement about your rights and limiting your responsibilities.
In a covenant, two parties become one. There is no 50/50 giving or receiving… it is an agreement that regardless of what happens you will remain one. In a contract, two parties agree to uphold their portion of the deal. Should one party deviate from the agreement the contract allows them a way out.

Christians who experience divorce have allowed the devil to tell them lies. They have given up hope and lost sight of their covenant bond.

This message reaffirmed to me that I should never lose hope. I told Amie that regardless of how she treats me I will never lose hope. The basic premise of Christianity is to have hope.

“May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.”
Psalm 25:21

“For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”
Psalm 37:9

“But now Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.”
Psalm 39:7

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.”
Psalm 62:5

“But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.”
Psalm 71:14

“Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.”
Psalm 119:116

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:12

“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:31

“‘So there is hope for the future’, declares the Lord.”
Jeremiah 31:17

“The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, the one who seeks Him.”
Lamentations 3:25

“Therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope.”
Acts 2:26

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
Romans 5:3-5

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Romans 12:12

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:6-7

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
Hebrews 10:23

“Everyone who has hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.”
1 John 3:3

I will not lose hope.

Divorce Journal Entry #27

2007-03-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

11:52 pm

Well the show was a great time! Amie and I had great conversation both before and after the show. Though it was fun, it was also rather painful.

On the way home my wife told me that she cannot continue to do things with me. She feels that it is making it harder for both of us and giving me a false sense of hope when in fact there is none to have. She told me that there is no escaping a divorce and she doesn’t want me to have any more pain than necessary.

I explained to her that I could not sleep until I knew that I did absolutely everything I possibly could do to make it work. I don’t want to wake someday and wonder if I didn’t show her that I loved her, make every effort for things to work, or ask myself if I should have handled it any differently. I also wanted her to know that I am absolutely 100% against the divorce, but that it doesn’t matter how badly I want things to work if she is unwilling to try. I want to know that I could not have done anything else to change the outcome of the situation.

She told me that she loves me.
She told me that she will never question whether or not I loved her completely.
She told me that she will never say that I could have done something more to make things work.

I stressed with her that I am 100% against a divorce and willing to do anything to make it work.
I told her that she can have the space she’s asking for now that I know that she will never question her above statements.
I told her that she will have to initiate any contact from now on, but that I am yearning to hear from her. That should she call I will answer, should she write I will write, should she knock I will open the door.

I grabbed most of my clothing and she helped me load it into my car. I then hugged her and melted in her arms. I wanted so desperately to touch her lips one last time. I drove away as she stood in the driveway and watched me disappear.

For the first time since this all began my heart does not feel heavy and burdened. It still feels pain, of course. But she has acknowledged that I have done everything I could do, in the right ways, to make this work.

God provide me with a peace. Help me as I struggle for healing.

Divorce Journal Entry #26

2007-03-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

3:34 pm

I’ve been sitting trying to think of something to do with Amie that is totally her. I just found a production that is being performed at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center of The Wiz, a parody of The Wizard of Oz.

Amie agreed to go see the show with me tonight.

I hope and pray that this event will make some of our greatest memories come to life for her.

Our relationship began in December 1999 as she and I sat next to each other at the Quincy Community Theater to watch our drama teacher play the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. Amie and I went to a costume party at Hannibal-LaGrange College in which I dressed as the scarecrow and Amie dressed as Dorothy.

How fitting for us to go to this show!

I have no intentions of talking to Amie about any of my feelings or concerns tonight. I want us to have a good time and hopefully recall some great memories.

I hope that she is receptive to the thought behind the show. May she see that we genuinely have had some great memories and begin to focus on them.

Divorce Journal Entry #25

2007-03-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

1:32 pm

I just received the following email from the Federal Probation and Parole officer I’ve been talking to about the happenings in *******:

“Please know that I look at myself and wonder who the heck I am to help someone else in such situations, and then other times it seems that I’ve got something to say because I’ve lived so much of it.

Here are some of what I think are truths:

- Amie has already forgiven you for your actions. This is evidenced by the fact that she has stayed with you for so long after knowing of his indiscretions. Amie is running from the actions of a government with the encouragement from third parties.

- You have already atoned for your actions in Amie’s mind and heart. Further attempts to make up for your indiscretions will likely be fruitless.

- It is not possible for you to repair the damage that the government has done in Amie’s life. She will have to come to the conclusion on her own that the government attacked them both, and she will have to do this in her own time and in her own way. It is my opinion that you can help this process only by giving her time and space to come to these conclusions. You will be best served by accepting the fact that she will not do this on your timeline.

Two things that I have learned over the last 13 years doing the job that I do:
1.People change.
2.People change when they are ready to change, not when I am ready for them to.”

Divorce Journal Entry #24

2007-03-10T05:06:00.000-08:00

March 10, 2007
5:06 am

I got home last night at approximately 10:30 pm. It was so hard to discuss the dispersion of our property.

For the first time in a week I truly saw my wife last night. She was calm and collected, yet emotional at times. I just wanted to embrace her so badly without restriction. I wanted to hold her hand, run my thumb across her cheek, rub her knee, or kiss her neck.

She and I had some very good talks. We stared intently into each other’s eyes; trying to feel the other’s pain hidden behind.

I asked some very pointed questions and believe that she was truly honest with me. Some of the answers pulled at my heart and some of the answers destroyed my soul, but she was honest.

She told me that she truly does believe that I’m repentant for what I’ve done in the past. She said that she has given to this relationship for 8 years and just can’t give anymore. She said that she is certain that a divorce is imminent.

I got to my parent’s house emotionally exhausted. I had a sense of peace that we discussed our thoughts, fears, and problems. I remained very soft spoken and kept telling my mother that it’s okay. I am radically against the idea of divorcing my joy. Divorce is not okay, but I appreciate my wife’s honesty and humility more than she knows.

Oh how I wish I had one more day with her. One day to hold her more, write to her, love and cherish her. One more day to plant flowers and walk the dogs. Just one more day to give unselfishly and allow her to receive.

God I don’t believe that a divorce is within your plan, but I’m only half of the equation here. Please work in Amie’s heart to heal and renew her spirit. Cleanse her mind and allow her to cry. Let her see that there truly is beauty to be made from ashes, happiness from sorrow, a solid marriage from a struggling one.

I love my wife.

Divorce Journal Entry #23

2007-03-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

3:59 pm

Well, I’m finally dressed and am trying to prepare myself for what may happen.

Is my hopefulness and optimism going to be destroyed over the next couple hours?

Will my wife be receptive to reading my heart?

God I pray that you give me the peace to go through this difficult time. I pray that you provide me with the words to say and the humility to say it. I pray that you protect my heart to any painful words that may be heard. I pray that my love is displayed in every breath that I take. I pray that she will recognize that I yearn to be with her. I pray that you are glorified in my actions tonight.

Divorce Journal Entry #22

2007-03-09T14:29:00.000-08:00

2:29 pm

The more I think of my wife’s love language the more it makes sense to me. Did I fail to say I love you to her? Did I do too little too late?

I don’t believe so.

Despite the pain I’m feeling I have an inner sense of peace. God knows that I love my wife more than anything; that she is and has been my first priority. God knows that I tried immensely to tell my wife that I love her in my language.

Unfortunately it was not communicated as intended. Made perfect sense to me, but how can a man who speaks English effectively communicate with a man who speaks Chinese? Sure they will understand some things, but they cannot communicate as effectively as they would if they learned the language of the other.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit today about this fact.

Amie used to give me cards, write me notes, and cuddle with me. Those acts, too, were not as effectively received as it was generously given. Why? Those things did not speak my languages of love.

At the same time, my wife was also very good about saying I love you in my love languages. She never hesitated to prepare supper, clean around the house, or buy me chocolate milk. She understood my languages, and those acts/gifts spoke volumes to me.

How I wish I had truly known this earlier!

She used to tell me, and I would listen. But it never made more sense to me than it does today.

Divorce Journal Entry #21

2007-03-09T12:13:00.000-08:00

12:13 pm

Running away.
I hold in my hand the telephone.
With just a punch of corresponding
numbers I can arrange to run away.
I can fly to Iowa and spend several days with my uncle,
the one man who has experienced my
pain
agony
questions
unknown.
Only he knows my mindset
of watching someone you desperately love
walk away.
I can cry with the Zehrs,
who have already heard my hearts cry.
I can sit in front of my grandparents
and finally tell them everything.
I can sob with my grandfather
as he embraces me and tells me that he loves me.
I can hear my grandmother
as her heart breaks.
Their health is increasingly worse,
but I need to experience their unending support.
I can fly to New York and stay with my sister,
my own blood who I can continue to share my
sadness
tears
anxieties
without fear of rejection.
I can talk with my brother-in-law
and finally embrace his love
from one man to another.
I can smile with Gracie
as she laughs on the floor,
for she is free of
wrongdoing
depression
stain.
All of these things have already been discussed,
but will running away solve anything
or just side-step the pain temporarily?
I hold in my hand the telephone.

Divorce Journal Entry #20

2007-03-09T08:12:00.000-08:00

8:12 am

I received a couple more emails from my life this morning. This afternoon we are planning on meeting at the house and going through our belongings together. Deep inside this fills me with grief, but I’m gaining an ounce of hope in seeing her. She’s not totally closed to seeing me.

I’m beginning to think that she just might read my journal writings that I mailed to her. Oh God, please nudge her heart.

I truly believe that she still loves me, but that she’s experiencing overwhelming stress and depression… as I am. My soul cries for her to see how much I care for her and love her. I remain optimistic that she will be moved somehow, sometime. Yet, I keep setting myself up for disappointment; only because I deeply love my wife and desire a lifelong journey with her.

God provide me with the words to say. Provide me with a peaceful spirit. May my aroma be of you and your unfailing love. May Amie sense this aroma and know that my body breathes of love for her.

Divorce Journal Entry #19

2007-03-09T04:48:00.000-08:00

4:48 am

Marriage is a rope.
It begins as a single strand.
As the good and bad times come
more strands are added to the previous.
Over time these strands begin to thicken.
They begin to gain strength, structure, and form.
They become a rope.
Though a strong rope exists
it needs care.
It cannot be left amidst the weather,
or loosely thrown on a garage floor.
If it is the rope will begin to fray,
until someday it is unraveled.
The rope also cannot be kept near sharp edges.
To do so would create the risk
of tearing or cutting through it completely.
Either type of damage to the rope
effects its ability to serve its purpose.
Amazingly, that does not have to be the end.
A frayed rope can be re-wound…
with patience.
A torn rope can be re-supported…
with the right tools.
A cut rope can be re-mended…
with a professional’s help.
The rope can be re-crafted to be stronger than ever.
Marriage is a rope.

Divorce Journal Entry #18

2007-03-09T02:52:00.000-08:00

March 9, 2007
2:52 am

I lie in bed again staring at the ceiling.
My mind accelerates again with no care for rest.
The counselor told me yesterday about the Five Love Languages,
and I cannot seem to get it off my heart.
I must admit I haven’t read the book yet,
but am working on getting a copy.
My wife made a comment a couple days ago
saying that I don’t need to list to her all of the things I do for her.
It finally makes sense to me.
I have been trying to speak to my wife in my language
and although it speaks loud and clear to me
she is not comprehending it for how it’s fully intended.
My wife cannot and does not speak my language,
so why would I expect her to see them
the same way I do?
In my heart the simple acts of service showed that I
admonish
cherish
love
admire
my wife.
In my heart the act of giving showed that I
praised
adored
found allegiance in
respected
my wife.
To my wife, however, they were nice things that were done,
and nothing more.
I want the chance to speak to her in her language.
If I even devoted half of the attention and care
that motivated my language acts
and translated it into her language
it would be huge!
Getting the opportunity, however, requires her to open her heart a little.
Would she view this “eureka” as too late?
Probably, but I must not give up hope.
I must not stop praying.
That someday, somehow I get an opportunity
to speak to my wife in her language.

Divorce Journal Entry #17

2007-03-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

9:57 pm

I finally received communication from my wife! I checked my email to find a message inside from her. I opened it up and read it, then ran to my parents like an excited child.

I could tell from reading her message that she was distanced, or reserved. She made no comment about seeing me and did not tell me in any way how she feels about me. Though those things kind of stink, the communication itself is huge.

I have a new found hope that she will read my journal entries. I prayed to God just earlier today that my thoughts, concerns, and fears that are transcribed in my journal would just barely nudge her heart. That she would at least sit down with me and acknowledge that she received them.

That is a start.

Divorce Journal Entry #16

2007-03-08T17:02:00.000-08:00

5:02 pm

I just spoke with (criminal defense attorney). I informed him of the personal downward spiral that has transpired over the last few days. He extended his empathy and it seemed as though a fire had been lit inside him. He finally sees the level of destruction that this has caused, a level that is potentially irreparable should a divorce take place.

He told me that he expects to enter the courtroom on the 27th with guns blazing. He says that if the DA’s office requests another extension that he is going to push for a dismissal and for the charges to be expunged.

Could this be the relief I so desperately need, or is this just another hope that will inevitably crash?

Why do I no longer care?

A week ago I would have ran to my wife in joyous celebration of his intent, but I hung up and still felt hopeless, empty.

I need to focus on the criminal case. How can I possibly do that when my source of joy is slipping through my fingertips? How am I expected to turn around and walk away while my wife boards a train departing from me?

Several questions run through my mind. Will my wife show up for my preliminary hearing? I would love to know that I still have her support and that she still cares, but if she’s having difficulty already is it healthy for her to be there? At the same time, my heart will further be crushed if she doesn’t show up. Which is the lesser of the two evils?

Will she continue to support me in her own mind and with her own lips, or will she run and begin throwing stones as the enemy has been? Will she begin to slander me or will she remain supportive?

All of these questions leave me feeling empty and unable to focus on the task at hand.

Divorce Journal Entry #15

2007-03-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

2:45 pm

I just left the house in Tulsa. I went there to fix the internet problem on the computer so my wife could have access. I also looked for the Five Love Languages book while I was there to no avail.

When I opened the front door and walked in my heart hit he floor. I noticed that every picture of she and me were removed. Not a single one was visible. I also noticed several small boxes on the living room floor and a suitcase.

I walked to the bedroom and opened my drawers, only to find them empty. Every drawer was empty.

I wanted to fall to the floor in tears. It hasn’t even been 48 hours since she told me she wanted a divorce and I’m already out of her sight, out of her mind, out of her life.

I mailed her some journal entries this morning. I’ve had hope all day that she would see my heart and my cries. I hoped that she would call me Friday evening and want to talk. Or even this weekend and just want to talk.

Now I’m beginning to wonder if she will even read it.

Divorce Journal Entry #14

2007-03-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

12:13 pm

I just left from talking to a counselor. He asked me what love language my wife is. I told him that I didn’t know the different types of love languages, but could guess a few.

I told him acts of service was one. Gifts was another. Then I stopped.

He told me that the need for physical touch is one. He said that women who possess this language will say things like,
“I wish you would hold me more”
“I wish you would kiss me more”

He then told me that words of affirmation is another.

I instantly looked at him and my eyes opened wide. Until now I had not seen that my wife’s love language was personal touch and words of affirmation.

I have been telling her how much I love her through acts of service and gifts, but it wasn’t the type of language she needed the most.

I asked him how I can show her affection when we’re going through something like this. He very plainly told me that I’m shit outta luck. He encouraged me to continue to share my heart with her through kindness and sincerity. Then, just maybe, she will open the door an ounce where I can begin to focus on her language.

I want to read the book “Five Love Languages”. Maybe this will help me to show her how I feel in her language more completely.

Divorce Journal Entry #13

2007-03-08T05:15:00.000-08:00

5:15 am

Amie,

I found this information online about your ring. I explained to you on Christmas that I viewed our love as a beautiful product of a painful process. That is why I chose the ring that I chose. I still believe it to be true. I pray that you will once again see the beauty raised from the ashes.

“When an oyster swallows a grain of sand it feels the discomfort, so it begins to ease the pain by applying a coat of nacre. It is during this healing process that it creates a beautiful pearl. This is like life itself. It is easy to love in good times, but it takes courage to love through the discomforts of our lives.

The diamond represents the grain of sand and the pearl evokes an aura of courage, love, and healing. This unique transformation has given birth to the ‘Diamond in a Pearl’, the ultimate expression of love.”

Divorce Journal Entry #12

2007-03-08T02:12:00.000-08:00

2:12 am

Love.
A simple word so often misunderstood
or even worse, not properly shared.
To me this word is dual-purposed.

Love to me began in a rachetball room,
where very few nice words were ever exchanged.
I think of a van trip where love could
do nothing but laugh at newspaper-face-man.
Love was a very kind and compassionate one
to see youth lives change through The word of God.
Love was a simple walk in the fog,
losing all bearings on direction;
a dance on the river
with ‘I love you’ inscribed in the snow.
I remember a Simon and Garfunkel cd
that made love smile,
or sitting in the car with no one around but each other
listening to Chicago over-and-over.
I will never forget seeing the lights of Times Square on love’s face,
or having portraits drawn of us
before jumping on a cold subway.
I think of the moment I saw love
breech the double doors and begin the slow walk forward;
she was more beautiful than I’d ever seen before.
The vows were so tender, so sweet.
Despite the grand event, my feeling for love had only begun.

I remember the joy of our first apartment,
nothing elaborate but it was ours.
Love laughed with me as her parents
were on the way over and we discussed the
awkwardness of facing her father that first morning.
Love was a pina-colada on the beach
with no time restrictions, just each other.
I think of the times I visited love at the grocery store
while she slaved to feed the older people wanting lunch.
Love had her own dark red helmet
that would muffle her voice and cover her head
while riding unaware of time and stress.
I remember a prayerful trip into Illinois
as love was receiving a new car…
we still made Survivor that night.

I think of love as we moved into a small Oklahoma space
more commonly known as my parent’s house.
I remember my overwhelming emotion after seeing love
for the first time in weeks when she surprised me.
I remember the outfit love wore at my graduation.
I still can see the proudness in love’s eyes
as I pieced my uniform together for the first times.
Love was a search for a house,
and unknowingly standing across the street from it.

Love was so carefree the first nights of owning our own home.
I recall diligent work that love and I put into our own home.
I remember love’s cries for hating her job,
And the immense joy that came with a teaching opportunity.
I remember helping love move classroom furniture
the first day the doors were unlocked.
Love enjoyed our times of grilling hamburgers and potatoes,
and my endless pursuit to cook a steak correctly.
Love created a safe-haven within our home
for me to cast my cares and worries aside.
I will never forget love standing beside me
through unbearable stress and anxiety.
I wish I had done more for my love during this time.

I remember the first few days at Sarah and Tobi’s,
love and I trying not to intrude.
I recall a very maturing time for love and I.

I remember the willingness that love showed
as we moved back with my parents.
It was so difficult for love and I to become comfortable
in such a small space that we couldn’t call home.
Yet love proved to be just that, love.

I remember the overwhelming joy
love and I shared as we found a beautiful house.
We had finally found our own space again.
I remember the moving party we had
and the argument of where to put the Christmas tree.
I recall the joy that was in love’s eyes
as she opened her Christmas gift that was a
pure expression of my heart.
I laughed with love as the dogs slipped across the floor,
and barked somewhat ferociously at the vacuum cleaner.
I am forever grateful of the time my love stood by me
in our time of stress and anxiety.

Now a great chasm stands between me and my love.
My love is like a bird in a man’s palm.
The man cannot squeeze too tightly or he will crush the bird,
yet he cannot hold it too loosely or it will fly away.
I want to call her, but fear rejection.
I so desperately want to see her, but am afraid of what I’d see.
So I lie here, staring at the ceiling, wondering;
Is my love lost?
Eight years creates volumes of memories.
Some of them are better than others,
but I know that regardless
my wife is my love.

Divorce Journal Entry #11

2007-03-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

March 8, 2007
12:16 am

2006 was a year from hell. We endured incredible obstacles together. We overcame several moves and pinched every last dollar. We were slandered in the news, persecuted by our neighbors, scrutinized by our friends. But nothing that happened was for naught.

It took these challenges and struggles for me to realize who I had become, both in my marriage and professional life. What once was a soft, sincere man had become a cold, unforgiving core. I neglected my wife’s heart and trod along on my own path. I was hurtful.

But God created the beauty from the ashes. I know that God worked in my life to transform me into a patient, caring, serving person. My wife became the foremost attraction of my day. All I needed was her presence and I had found peace. I performed simple acts of kindness to show her that I loved her. I lifted her up in praise before to strangers as the proud husband I am. She is my joy.

2007 was ushered in and I told myself that it couldn’t possibly be as trying as 2006. I only wish this was the case.

What was previously a disaster had become a trial of fire. I was so proud of my wife for standing toe-to-toe with me against the enemy. She was my number one ally, even though it was painful for her to bear. She is my lifesong.

I tried so diligently to show her how I felt. I don’t regret a single laugh, gift, or act of service. I wanted her to know that I love her.

I spoke with a counselor yesterday. He kept telling me that it doesn’t matter how much I want my marriage to work if my wife isn’t willing to try. What a heart-wrenching truth!

I will patiently wait and struggle to find peace. I will not lose hope that someday she will see how much I care, and care. That someday she will find that I am truly repentant of my acts of poor judgment. That someday she will agree to try professional help with me and allow the wounds to heal. I will guard my heart because she is still my wife and I am still her husband. I love my wife.

Divorce Journal Entry #10

2007-03-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

9:07 pm

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on my and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord;
for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

For over a year now this has been my cry. I wanted to in all things have the mindset of David and sing to the Lord.

When times were tough and I was barely staying afloat, I chose to sing. When lies and deceit were spread about me, I chose to sing. When sorrow and anxiety took hold of my feelings, I chose to sing. In handcuffs in front of my father, I chose to sing. When my wife was drowning in the misery caused by the enemy, I chose to sing. In financial distress, I chose to sing.

God you know my heart, my desires, and my passions. You know that what I’m experiencing now is so much worse than anything my enemy has done thus far. It feels like my enemy has finally defeated me. I now lay bleeding, face smashed into the curb, as people walk away; with no one to help carry me any longer.

My promise of victory over my foes is quickly turning into a victory at great cost. I don’t know how I will be able to stand in the end with my head held high. You said, ‘what good is it then if a man gains the whole world, yet loses his soul.’ My soul is bleeding.

I want to continue to sing but it’s so hard. I could endure their previous slander and jabs ten times over before I would feel as torn as I do now. I need your peace.

May your justice reign supreme upon my foes. In the end, with your strength, may I continue to say, I chose to sing.

Divorce Journal Entry #9

2007-03-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

8:14 pm

The phrase
someday I will find someone who gives me joy again
instills an innate fear within my soul.
So many questions
Why would someone say this?
It is not like my wife to ever say something like this.
Have I already been emotionally replaced?
My heart would shatter.
Has my wife already found someone that she believes will bring her joy?
My heart aches just thinking about it.
Is the suddenness of her decision based upon a fictitious utopia that she believes exists?
Every marriage will always be a work in progress.
The confusion
Why would I even want to think of someone else?
I am a married man with no desire to find happiness elsewhere.
Can I not be trusted?
My wife is my world, nothing less.
Am I expected to give up so suddenly on my marriage?
I cannot possibly stop loving my wife with all my soul.
The reality
I have found my source of joy.
The thought of finding someone outside of my wife is repulsive.
I am a married man and will guard my heart well beyond being served a divorce.
I will never
stop praying,
lose hope,
forget how beautiful she is to me,
stop loving her,
abandon her.
She has been my guiding beacon of strength in a dark world. I am forever grateful.
She is my life. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.

Divorce Journal Entry #8

2007-03-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

7:27 pm

Adore – to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect
Cherish – to hold or treat as dear
Praise – the act of expressing approval or admiration
Affection – fond attachment, devotion, or love
Allegiance – loyalty or devotion to some person
Fondness – tenderness or affection
Passion – an instance or experience of strong love
Piety – dutiful respect or regard
Tenderness – easily moved to sympathy or compassion
Crush – the object of infatuation
Devotedness – zealous or ardent in attachment, loyalty, or affection
Love – a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Divorce Journal Entry #7

2007-03-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

7:01 pm

My time machine
would have no limits to its usage.
It would thrust me into the past
to remove all
stains,
heartache,
depression,
fights,
poor judgment,
stress.
It would provide me with the opportunity
to fill it with
more gut-wrenching laughter,
passionate kisses,
unending closeness,
uncompromised praise.
But the truth is I have no such machine.
Instead I must
praise,
adore,
respect,
cherish,
console
from this day forward.
I desire to learn from the
emotional distance,
passionate void,
missed opportunities,
poor judgment
and become a man of
impeccable character,
sound judgment,
passion,
trust.
This only I can do because I have no such machine.

Divorce Journal Entry #6

2007-03-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

4:49 pm

I just received the following as an email from a very good family friend:

“I personally believe that marriage is the union of two souls into one, not unlike the life that is created by the union of ova and sperm. A ‘life together’ is indeed a life that deserves nurturing and support and celebration, just like human life. The unfolding of life in marriage is like the growing-up of a person; there are ups and downs and failures and victories and wrong turns and good choices.

You don’t give up on a child because he fails one class, or breaks her arm in a fight; you don’t give up on a marriage because of an impulsive expression. In my mind, when a person – or a marriage – is sick, an appropriate professional is consulted for healing. For HEALING, because you always rally against Death. And in my mind Divorce is the death of a marriage.”

Divorce Journal Entry #5

2007-03-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

3:39 pm

My heart broke as I heard the words,
I want a divorce.
All of my prayers, my thoughts, my dreams
dashed in that one phrase.
How am I expected to stop loving
someone so suddenly
when every fiber of my being
tells me otherwise?
My confidant,
my number one ally,
my hope for a future,
my wife
pulls away.
My parents acknowledge
that they have no idea
as to the overflow of emotions
I feel.
My sister cries for me
and sobs in protest of that phrase.
Who can I turn to that will understand my pain?
Who will listen to me ramble about the great times
I’ve shared and the immense amount of pain I feel
without burdening them?
I feel lost.
Like a ship without a sail
my course is diverted into the unknown
with no rescue in sight.
I hold onto the hope
that the sun will begin to shine again.
That my wife will return
and be welcomed in my arms with tears of joy.
I refuse to stop singing through this storm
and pray that someday we will
again renew our love and vows for one another.

Divorce Journal Entry #4

2007-03-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

7:24 am

Echoes of laughter and joyful screaming filled the park
as we taunted and laughed playing make-shift baseball.
One team was deemed the winner,
but we were all winners and recipients of a good time.
The afternoon was cut short as I was embraced by my father
where in tears he told me, I love you son. Hang in there.
Today all I envision is hostility, pain, tears.
Where has the joy gone so suddenly?
I desire to share more laughter, more screams, more homeruns…
or in this case automatic outs for hitting it over the fence.
I want to smile as my mother runs around the field
as she giggles of excitement for just hitting another great hit.
I want to feel the adrenaline rush of a race home
only to grab a potato and pretend I know what I’m doing.
All of this compromised for a stupid act.
Life is full of up and downs,
yet lately it seems like it’s been full of downs.
How can one event change something so wonderful into something so painful?
My heart cries for forgiveness,
yet those cries feel unanswered.
How can one express their own remorse, guilt, shame
to show it’s genuine and sincere?
How do I share my heart without pushing her further away?
In the past months I have lost nearly all I had to stand on,
but this hurts ten times as much.
Why?
My heart and soul belong to her,
but painfully they are no longer desired.

Divorce Journal Entry #3

2007-03-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

6:27 am

First in a family of life-timers
shame guides me
fear restricts me
embarrassment takes hold of me
failure has embarked upon me.
How do I seek the
comfort that I need
rest that I crave
acceptance that I yearn for?
I have not
cursed
belittled
badmouthed the source of my pain.
I want to
praise
adore
cherish my source of joy.
How can my source of joy also be my source of pain?
I remain on the fast track to becoming
first in a family of life-timers
and I have no control.

Divorce Journal Entry #2

2007-03-07T05:21:00.000-08:00

5:21 am

The pain is unbearable
The desire to see light but seeing nothing beyond the darkness
The feeling of emptiness with no sense of relief
Knowing that people care for you but not caring
The need to sleep but no way to rest
My body feels numb, but my heart aches
I want to scream but have no one to listen
The feeling of loving but feeling unloved
My brain is tired yet it continues to run
I want to recover from falling but seem to always get kicked
I want to fight back, but can’t raise my fists
Why does joy elude me?
They say that love bears, overcomes, and endures all things, a painful misconception
My enemies have finally won
The questions are many, but the time is short
How can I move forward when my brakes are locked?
How can I look strong when I want to collapse?
How long will I hurt like this?
How can a wound that can heal through care create gashes that will never stop bleeding?
Why can’t people stop kicking me?
A warmness swept over by endless cold
A bright spring day that clouds and rains
A life of dreams turned upside down
And all I can do is stare at the ceiling
Hoping
Praying
Day-dreaming
that the pain will end.

Divorce Journal Entry #1

2007-03-07T03:11:00.000-08:00

March 7, 2007
3:11 am

Amie,

I lie awake in an unfamiliar bed unable to sleep. I wish that I could set my mind to ease and get a couple hours of sleep, but at this point it seems impossible. For I have too many thoughts, visions, concerns and unanswered questions.

I don’t understand how something so warm and kind, so welcoming and playful, has so suddenly become so cold and stern-faced, so put-off and distanced. Just last week I was cuddled close to you in bed and now I struggle to stay warm alone. What else is there that has happened so suddenly that is creating some of this? I’m confident that had the word of divorce surfaced in any conversation this time last week I would have been knocked silly. What is it that is in your life, your mind, your heart that makes it so easy for you to not even want outside group counseling? Is there another man that you have attached yourself to emotionally that is having some bearing on your decision? Is work becoming so hectic for you that you’re under an even greater amount of stress? If it’s either of these things, or something similar, I can assure you that someday you’ll wake up and realize what you’re doing or have done. I can only hope that it’s not too late for us.

I have, as we both know, not committed 100% to this relationship 100% of the time, but that’s a failure I’ll always regret. Remember the bible study group that met in our living room that evening? Do you remember what I said? In tears I said that I felt horrible because I had done you an injustice for not waking everyday and consciously choosing to love you. That was not for the group; that was for you, with the group as my witness. You see, even before all this mess began I have wanted to be who you needed me to be.

I know that you have been depressed lately. Amie, I want nothing more than to be there for you during this time; to lift your face above water while I, myself, am barely hanging on. It’s said that your deepest and inner-most character is revealed in times of sorrow, despair, and anxiety. I think we would both agree that this past year has been just that. Please don’t give up now. We’ve fought the fight, stayed strong, laughed and cried, and most importantly learned more about ourselves through this. I have gained a new level of understanding love and cherishment through all this... something I might not have ever seen had the past year not happened. I know that the events that have brought our lives to our knees are ultimately the result of poor decisions that I have made, and I will always regret that and be remorseful. But Amie, through this time, I have learned to love you more than I ever could have imagined. That is my true heart, my true character, my true love.

Someone told me that you probably were emotionally divorced long before this week. I’m sure that is the case but Amie I want a chance to make it work. I can’t fix something when I don’t know how badly it is broken. Can you? I’m begging you to please give group counseling a shot with me. It’s so unlike you to not try!

You have said that this is all based upon infidelity. I have never claimed that the single kiss was acceptable; I know that it was wrong. I have been on my face before God asking for forgiveness. I have been emotionally crushed before you asking your forgiveness. I would give anything to go back and rewrite the past, but I can’t. Despite the pain and anxiety that these last few days have caused, I have found peace in believing that I am doing all I possibly can about it. You said Monday night that you needed some separation time to allow that wound to heal. Let’s seek professional help together so that wound can heal.

Amie, a divorce is something that is permanent. Removing a wedding ring is very different from returning a steady’s class ring. It is a time of even greater stress and anxiety. It creates wounds that will forever bleed and never heal. It is a painful time for everyone involved, regardless of how easy it looks for anyone else. I will not fight you for any reason if a divorce is ultimately our fate. I don’t want to argue, bicker, or yell at you. Though my heart is breaking, I do not love you even an ounce less than I did before this week. Instead, I’ve come to realize that love alone is not enough; we need help. We need to put our faith in God, who put us together in the first place, and ask His help in healing our lives. I love you Mrs. Knutson and that will never change.

You have said over the last couple nights that someday I will find someone to bring the joy back into my life. I refuse to think that way because I am not interested in looking elsewhere. My source of joy is the mother of my dogs, my ring-leader, my purpose, my bride. I’m not interested in anything or anyone but you.

I told you the other night that nothing is too big or too radical for me. I am willing to change, adapt, remold myself as necessary for you. You’re my lifesong, my joy, my heartbeat, my wife. Nothing is too big if it’s for you.

You’re my life, my love, and my bride.