Celebrating the 7!

Seven years ago today I married my college sweetheart. Yet, this is the third anniversary that I have spent without her. I have a strong belief that the worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce. What has been the most devastating time of my life, the divorce, has proven to be a blessing in disguise.

As I think back on the man I was during my marriage I am nearly repulsed. But, I cannot help but stop and smile when I look in the mirror and see the man that I am today. I am confident that without experiencing the greatest day of my life, my marriage, and living through my darkest days, my divorce, I would not be where I am today.

I earned my Bachelor of Arts degree in Bible in 2002. During my college years I worked as a youth director and assistant pastor for a small country church in northeast Missouri. I once had a firm head on my shoulders with a passion like I had never experienced before. Shortly after college I became something even my closest friends and family could not recognize. I was cold-hearted and cruel. I lost sight of the hope that I stood beside for so long. I neglected telling my wife that I loved her. I failed to be kind to her. I refused to be something that she needed. My divorce changed this. Within hours of hearing that Amie wanted a divorce I broke down and cried to God for help. And help He would. Over the past nearly three years, God has molded me into a different man... one that I celebrate today. I have a new mission, to be a pillar of strength for others who are experiencing the pains of divorce. I am a man of faith, one who desires to be a greater man of God. I give any chance I can see to give, oftentimes thanklessly. I love like I have never loved before, wearing my heart on my sleeve for the first time ever... I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

While I celebrate being a changed man, I know that I can oftentimes come across strong in relationships or abrasive to those who don't know me. This is something that I hope to correct in time. Yet, I will never regret or apologize for being who I am.

It's amazing how my perspectives have changed. I had always dreamed of being a father and husband. I dreamed of being the most successful at my job and making it to the top. I dreamed of driving the nicest car and living in the most beautiful house. I dreamed of making endless amounts of money to do whatever I possibly could with. Now, however, my dream is simple. I hope to be an incredible husband and father someday. That's it. But I want to do it at a level that most only dream of. I want to tell her, whoever she is... whether I know her or not, in both word and action that she is my world. I want to smile every time I think of her, and call/text her at random just because. I want to be gentle with my children. I want to be forever known as a husband and father unlike any other. That, and only that, comprises my dream.

Today I stand before you a changed man.... one of great pride, strength, hope, faith, joy, and love! So, on this day that would seemingly be a dark and painful day, I celebrate. For without my darkest days, I would not see the future as clearly as I do.

Thank you God for making something beautiful out of something so devastating.

Contentment

Contentment is commonly defined as the state of satisfaction or a source of satisfaction. We all will define success differently. I'd like to believe that true success is finding the ever eluding pie in the sky; otherwise known as contentment.

Take the following for example:

When we are very young we dream of getting out of the house Monday through Friday and joining the big kids at school. We think that when we start attending school we will begin to discover who we are, be able to make big kid decisions, and meet lifelong friends.

Yet, when we begin school we see the bigger kids. We think that when we reach 5th grade we can take charge of our school and make our own rules.

Then we reach the 5th grade. Yet again, we look beyond our current situation to the 6th graders. How great will it be when someday we can go to several classes a day and if we don't like a teacher... who cares? We'll be gone in 50 minutes anyway!

6th grade comes and we then look to high school as a greater source of satisfaction. In high school we can hang out with girls that are becoming women, choose our own classes, and begin riding to school with other kids who drive.

High school days dawn, and instantly we begin looking to college. Afterall, in college we don't even have to go to class!

College starts and we're tired of school; we just want to enter the job market and start making the big bucks.

After college we share two dreams: to go back to college and leech off of mom and dad again, or to make it as far as we possibly can. If only I could make more money I'd be content. If only my wife/girlfriend didn't nag so much. If only I had married someone better looking. If only I had that car. If only I lived in that neighborhood. If only I had a better job. If only...


Why is it that our inherent reaction to our current position is dissatisfaction? This is a vicious cycle that will inevitably destroy us. I mean, what do you think you'll be saying when you're old and senile? Surely we won't be looking back and saying more money would have changed things. I doubt that I will sit back and still be asking “if only”. If I am, everything I have accomplished or done throughout my lifetime is for naught.

So let's consider the fundamentals of what should define who we truly are, none of which are tangible.

We must live a life of hope. Hope is the one thing that no one can steal from us. I hope to be a great husband someday. I hope to be a great father to my future children. I hope to provide a loving household that is second to none. I hope that my future children never hesitate to talk about how great of a man their father was.

We must live a life of peace. Peace holds a different meaning and value to each of us. I am at peace with my job. I am at peace with being single. I am at peace with the reality that I may remain single for the rest of my life. I am at peace with my financial state. I am at peace with my family. I am at peace with God.

We must live a life with a vision. Without a vision, people perish. I envision achieving personal victories. I envision attaining a strong network of friends and family. I envision becoming a man that will forever be known as having a genuine and sincere heart. I envision being known not as a man of adversities, but a man of victories.

We must live a life of faith. Faith takes many different forms, but we must have faith in something. I have faith in God. I have faith in myself. I have faith in life. I have faith in my family and friends.

We must live a life of love. Love endures all things. I love my job. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. I love the woman that I will marry, if ever, whoever, and wherever she is.

Hope. Peace. Vision. Faith. Love. As I sit here staring at the blinking cursor I'm questioning if I, myself, am content with only these five. Even though I'm reluctant to admit, I must say that I'm not sure that my perceptions are solely based around these alone. Yet, strangely the adage “to whom much is given, much is required” sounds in my mind.

I have been blessed in countless ways. May I, myself, find this writing useful in focusing not upon the temporary, but on the things that are eternal. They say that the man who dies with the most toys is still dead. In the same token, the man who sells his soul will remain soulless.

Contentment has an additional definition; an ease of mind, good feeling, or happiness. If I only maintain a hope in what is to come, a peace in my current state, a vision of what is to come, a faith in things not seen, and a love that seems impossible; I have attained fruition... also known as success.

My Divorce Journal...

I have wrestled with whether or not to ever share these notes. Please understand that in no way am I intending to do anyone harm or say anything negative about anyone. It's not intended to offend anyone or invoke sympathy.

This was a very difficult time in my life on many levels. My divorce seemed as if it was what had broken the camel's back. Yet, I persevered.

I chose to post these writings for several reasons:
1) To not highlight my struggles, but share in my victories
2) To not focus on the past, but embrace the closure of a several year battle of the whole picture (divorce only in part)
3) To reach out to anyone who is hurting in a similar way and provide that support and encouragement that is so desperately needed
4) To make anyone aware of the pains of divorce, in effort to encourage them to ALWAYS fight for their relationships

I am over what happened completely and have been for nearly two years. I am not depressed, but rather am immensely joyful to share in overcoming adversity.

If ANYONE has issue in any part with my writings please let me know.

- Mike

A Man's Best Friend

While having lunch with some co-workers this week, one person at the table mentioned pictures of our loved ones. Quickly, the women at the table whipped out pictures of their husbands and kids. The men just sat and watched. When asked to produce the same, one man pulled out a picture of his dog. Everyone laughed. We learned that not a single man at the table had a picture of his wife/girlfriend or kids... but rather had pictures of our dogs. While it's easy to find the humor there, I think it's rather sad.

We all know the common cliche that a dog is a man's best friend. Why is it that an animal holds such high place in our hearts?

Some might suggest that it's because a dog is forever loyal. Are we really shallow enough to just ride this bandwagon of thought as normal? I guess what I'm trying to say is, has anyone considered that perhaps the man who coined the phrase was hurt by a woman. Thus, his reliance upon an animal isn't particularly the issue at hand, but rather a fear of rejection. Instead of facing that fear he places his devotion in a dog. Sadly, I'm not immune from said man's thinking.

I love my dog, Snickers. She's sweet (most of the time), doesn't talk back, and is always excited to see me when I get home from work. She cuddles with me on the couch and sleeps next to me at night. I know that she needs me, and feel in some strange way that I need her too.

After being the victim of a divorce, she remained loyal to me. I hate to use the word "victim", but chose to in this writing to emphasize my struggle to maintain my marriage while my ex-wife just turned her back and walked away. Snickers has proven to stand with me through my tough times. I'd like to believe that in those dark times she recognized my emotions, and that she shared the burden of pain with me. But have you ever talked to a dog? I have. They don't answer you! Assuming you get his/her attention, all they do is tilt their head at you while wondering what in the heck you're saying.

Other people may suggest that a dog is man's best friend because they don't argue. While this is true, are men really that horrible with communication and conflict resolution that they'd rather avoid it altogether?

In my own life I communicate with those who are special to me more effectively through actions than I do through words. Just because actions do speak louder than words, I'm not removed from verbal communication completely. Have you ever met someone who is in a successful relationship with another that never just sits and talks to them? Although there are some pretty strange couples out there, it's not normal. We must learn to communicate not only with our muscles but also with our mouths. Instead of rolling our eyes when she says "we need to talk", we should man-up and talk. Sadly, most of us do exactly as a dog would, we tuck our tail and hope not to be hit too hard with the newspaper.

I'm sure there are other theories behind the idea of a dog being a man's best friend. But after only discussing two theories I'm forced to think of myself and what it is about Snickers that makes me so comfortable. While comfort is great, it breeds complacency. A complacent man is a lonely man... with a dog.

First Impressions

What is it about first impressions that ultimately dictate one's interactions with another?

They say that one will develop an opinion of another within moments of meeting. That can, at times, limit any potential future relationship or contacts that we may have with another. Any human interactions coach will teach you, that the first impression is perhaps the most important of all meetings with others. As I sit here thinking of the same, I challenge the theory of first impressions by saying that it's simply not right nor is it fair to be so judgmental based upon arguably little or no knowledge of another.

I remember the first time that I had my first impression of another thrown back in my face.

Years after nearly getting kicked out of a Christian school, I entered the 3rd grade. I was incredibly opinionated, stubborn, and nothing short of mean to all that did not walk within my circle. This included anyone, including my teacher Mrs. Whisenhunt. She, while remaining firm, never gave up on the heathen that she referred to as "the bad little good boy". Still, Mrs. Whisenhunt was on my list and had become my greatest nemesis. Afterall, she was my teacher! I was determined to break her.

For the entire year I did things to other students in an effort to see the smoke plume from Mrs. Whisenhunt's ears. I stole from other students, placed thumb tacks on her chair, and even once took the top off of a bottle of Elmer's glue only to throw the bottle across the room at the chalkboard. While I'm sure she didn't like my shenanigans, she never gave a hint of losing her temper.

The summer after the 3rd grade I was riding my bike with one of my closest friends, Ivy Vincent. As we rode through the neighborhood, I spotted my enemy. Mrs. Whisenhunt was working in her front yard in her flower garden. While scheming my terror plot, Ivy had other plans. My friend was about to befriend my rival.

We rode up to Mrs. Whisenhunt's house, dismounted, and put down our kick-stands. I felt vulnerable, looking for any opportunity to strike. Mrs. Whisenhunt greeted us and began walking towards the street. She invited Ivy and me in to sit at her table and share a bowl of strawberries with sugar. Peer pressure was applied, and I consented.

While sitting at Mrs. Whisenhunt's table it's almost as if the blinds over my eyes were opened. I began to, for the first time, see her for who she really was; a kind and compassionate woman. From that day onward, Mrs. Whisenhunt was more than just a figure in my life... she was a living, breathing human being with a heart of gold.

Now, I'm smart enough to know that my story is, in some ways, shallow and fails to completely address the issue of first impressions. However, have you ever been kicked in the crotch? The feeling is so intense that the only logical response is to look for a bush to share your lunch with. Such is the feeling of being completely wrong about someone. This, by itself, is a great disservice to them and produces a feeling within us that can best be described as what happens to your stomach after eating bad sushi.

Yet, we continue to be judgmental and weigh these opinions as if they were fact! How can we almost instantly decide that someone is not worth our time and energy to befriend? The fact of the matter is that we are all unique. We all have our goals, our dreams, our insecurities, our passions. To share these with other people is, in its own way, an intimate experience. It is a trust that we place in another. But we continue to pervert the power of human relationships with our opinions.

So what are we to do about it? How can we get past those first few moments and allow ourselves to see beyond the lining with a clear lense? I only wish I knew.

So here I sit, perhaps being somewhat hypocritical to address this topic without any definitive corrective measures. Yet, I recognize this as a flaw in my own life. One that I hope to correct.

Justice...

Written April 1, 2009

I don't remember the last time
I smiled so much for no reason at all.

For three years I have been held captive,
to fear.
Will I ever experience justice as it was intended?
to doubt.
Do those closest to me believe in my innocence?
to question.
What if justice is actually injust?

How was I, one who had been betrayed by the very definition of "justice",
to maintain hope in a system so flawed?
How was I, one who had been slandered by those who call themselves "upright",
to continue to fight when all I wanted to do was collapse?
How was I, one who had been mislabeled by the general public of "decency",
to remain confident when all I wanted was to hide?

The hope remained alive.
The fight continued.
The confidence rebirthed.

Then, a glimmer of justice!

I breathe
and for the first time in years, I feel free.
I laugh
and for the first time in years, I'm overtaken.
I smile
and for the first time in years, I'm consumed.
I rest
and for the first time in years, I'm restored.

Those outside the circle of injustice know not
the indescribable sense of peace I feel.
My cheeks are stained from tears,
but these are not tears of sadness.

This is not the end,
but rather is only the beginning
until justice is served in its entirety.

Remembrances...

Written June 20, 2008

Tonight I picked up my guitar for the first time in seemingly ages.
I don't remember many songs, but I instantly started playing the first song I ever learned.

Where did the passion for those lyrics go?
When did I seemingly lose those feelings that I once felt for such a message?
Why have I forgotten what it means to be delivered?
What can I do to revert back to the man I swore I would be?

I played the song till my fingers felt like they would bleed.
I sang till my voice became course.
My eyes began to water, yet only physics held the tears.

The passion reignites.
The feelings are as a watered seed.
The deliverance is like new life.
The man I truly am stands tall.

But who truly understands these things and desires the same for their life?
All around me are people who are just as I find myself too often being; masked.

Fear ensues. Pain is inevitable. Rejection is certain.

Who will believe my true heart's cry?

Then peace.

It matters not.

I am a man of character who, despite past failures, pushes forward to be my family's hero.
I am a man of promise who vows to be a pillar of strength to my future spouse.
I am a man of virtue who holds onto the vision of seeing heaven in my future children.
I am a man of countless blessings who dreams of success in all areas of my life.

Silence.

Now comes the true test.

Persevere. Stand. Believe. Cry. Laugh. Rejoice.