March 23, 2007
6:51 am
Well I woke up again this morning alone. It’s not getting any easier for me. Last night at about 1 a.m. a storm rolled through. The dogs woke me up as they both jumped on the bed afraid of the thunder. Twix cuddled next to me on my right while Snickers cuddled on my left. As nice as it was to cuddle with both of my dogs, it wasn’t a complete feeling. I missed my wife.
I have noticed myself doing some strange behaviors that may be deemed as normal for grievers. As I said in a previous journal I find myself talking to her when she’s not here. I turn on lights in dark rooms just hoping to see her inside asleep. Every time I look in the garage or at the driveway my mind tricks me into believing that I see her car. All of these things, of course are in my mind. I have been sleeping on her side of the bed this week. I want to feel close to Amie, to smell her hair and her body wash. I cannot discount my feelings and believe these actions to be normal considering that I’m grieving.
I desire nothing more than for Amie to reciprocate my love; for her to give me the chance to speak in her languages and see where God takes our relationship. Should our relationship fail after that, then I cannot question her desire should she continue to desire a divorce.
If I have one piece of advice for her I would tell her to follow her heart. Yes, she has told her family that she’s seeking a divorce. Yes, she has talked to the landlord about breaking the lease. Yes, she has applied for teaching positions in St. Louis. Yes, she has seen a divorce attorney. And yes, we have discussed eliminating our debts. Even though all of those things have been done it is never too late to work on our relationship. I pray that if she even barely believes that it could work that she would give it a shot. Don’t deny your heart, but rather follow it.
A man or woman who fails to follow their heart will not find rest. The mind is a powerful thing and can make us believe things that aren’t completely accurate. If she has a shred of a belief that things could work I pray that she sees what lies behind that shred.
My selfishness would like for me to believe that she knows it could work, but that she’s just tired. Running away will not bring rest, but rather turmoil… even if peace seems to exist. Don’t deny your heart.
My hope is small, but it is not diminished. My wife told me that she doesn’t want me to have a false hope in something that has no hope. The one thing that she cannot and will not rob me of is hope. I will continue to hope and pray that we can find rest together, forever together. I will never lose hope.
I love you Amie K. Nothing can or ever will change that. You are my source of joy, my lifesong, my life. I will forever love you.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #44
8:52 pm
Another day is over. Living life from day-to-day is very difficult. It seems that each evening I’m relieved to have made it through another day. Just over two weeks without my wife has gone by, and each day has been a struggle. The thought of living the rest of my life without her seems impossible.
I talked to her today for 14 minutes. She sounded like herself again, not distant at all. We talked about the dogs and how things are going for her in St. Louis. How I wish I could be there with her, or her here with me. She didn’t tell me that she loved me again today; making the third consecutive time. As much as it stings not to hear her say those words, just to hear her voice is soothing.
I have been thinking at great length about the night she and I went to see The Wiz. During the evening her eyes began to fill with tears approximately 10 or so times. Was she tearing up because she still has feelings for me? Did she push me away from her in order to not have those conflicting feelings?
It makes sense to me that she would remove all of the pictures so she wouldn’t have to face any images of me, as it would make a divorce harder. But if she still has feelings why would she deny them and continue to pursue a divorce? I fear that someday she will realize how much I really did love her and she will question her decision. I think this primarily because she hasn’t been open to trying to make it work any longer. I could understand that if she gave it every effort she had just once more that she could live with a clear conscience for the rest of her life. I say once more because she has made it clear that she has tried for the last couple of years to make it work. However, as I stated in my first journal entry, I couldn’t fix something that I didn’t notice was broken. So now that I know it has problems or is broken, can she walk away with a clear conscience knowing that I am doing everything I can to make it work? This is just one of several questions that I have.
I am desperately trying to give her the space that she has requested. Someone told me the other day that the fat lady hasn’t sang yet, and for me to push things upon Amie is like shoving the fat lady onto the stage. So I am struggling to give her the space that she has asked. Yet at the same time, if I just walk away from her and let her file without making any effort I could not rest in peace about this situation for the rest of my life. As the authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook stated, a divorce is an incomplete relationship for the person who is walked away from. In order for them to recover from their grief they must seek completeness in that relationship. Thus, my actions and words of love towards her now not only help me to hold onto an ounce of hope, but it should help me in the future to find completeness should she continue to walk away. So my reasons for showing her love are multi-faceted.
Amie told me approximately a week ago that she has given up her dreams, desires, and goals for our relationship. The interesting thing is that she doesn’t have to abandon those things for our relationship. I am fully willing and prepared to seek her dreams, desires, and hopes as my own. She has expressed great interest in teaching in St. Louis. Should she give our relationship just one more shot I would love to pack up and move with her. The situation is not an either/or situation. It’s not EITHER her dreams, goals, and desires OR me. Amie’s dreams are my dreams. Her desires are my desires. Her goals are my goals. I hope that she sees that she can have her cake and eat it too, because that’s exactly what I’m wanting to do. I want to help provide my wife with the happiness that she deserves.
She may not have seen it before, but when Amie experienced an emotion I experienced it with her. When she was doubting her ability to sing, my heart broke and tried to restore that within her. When she would laugh, my soul would laugh. When she would cry, my heart would break and cry with her. Amie is not just a part of my life, she is my life.
I have noticed within the last few days how much more specific my prayers have been. Before I was praying that God would soften her heart, provide me with wisdom, and heal my broken emotions. The closer I get to God the more I am beginning to ask for specific things. I am now praying that God would not only soften her heart, but that he would give her an innate desire to give our relationship a chance. That she would someday want things to work and be willing to give it a chance.
I finished reading The Five Love Languages this morning and remember reading story after story about marriages that were terminal, but God restored their marriage. It doesn’t make sense to me how if there’s a chance for God to work a miracle in our relationship why she’s not willing to even try. I mentioned in a previous journal entry that a divorce creates a gash that will forever bleed and never fully heal. Why is she so adamant about a divorce when the chance exists? Only she and God fully understand her thoughts and heart. If I need to I will pray for years to come that God will break my wife’s heart and bring her back to me.
I finished the mosaic today. It took me approximately 25 hours to complete, but it was worth every minute. Not only did it serve as a sort of therapy for me, but it was a very peaceful and relaxing thing to do. For those 25 hours I can honestly say that I was thinking about nothing but my wife, and loving her even though she wasn’t present to receive my love. It provided me with a constant thought and prayer for my wife and for 25 hours. It wasn’t easy for me to make it, because I’ve never done a mosaic before… much more a tile mosaic. But it was worth every minute, even if she sees it and shrugs it off.
I love Amie. If all of these acts of love do nothing more for her, I pray that she sees how much I love her. William Shakespeare once said, “love sought is good, but given unsought is better.” Amie is a love that was unsought. She is my life, my love, my bride. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.
I love you so much Amie. Sleep well tonight and I hope to hear from you tomorrow.
Another day is over. Living life from day-to-day is very difficult. It seems that each evening I’m relieved to have made it through another day. Just over two weeks without my wife has gone by, and each day has been a struggle. The thought of living the rest of my life without her seems impossible.
I talked to her today for 14 minutes. She sounded like herself again, not distant at all. We talked about the dogs and how things are going for her in St. Louis. How I wish I could be there with her, or her here with me. She didn’t tell me that she loved me again today; making the third consecutive time. As much as it stings not to hear her say those words, just to hear her voice is soothing.
I have been thinking at great length about the night she and I went to see The Wiz. During the evening her eyes began to fill with tears approximately 10 or so times. Was she tearing up because she still has feelings for me? Did she push me away from her in order to not have those conflicting feelings?
It makes sense to me that she would remove all of the pictures so she wouldn’t have to face any images of me, as it would make a divorce harder. But if she still has feelings why would she deny them and continue to pursue a divorce? I fear that someday she will realize how much I really did love her and she will question her decision. I think this primarily because she hasn’t been open to trying to make it work any longer. I could understand that if she gave it every effort she had just once more that she could live with a clear conscience for the rest of her life. I say once more because she has made it clear that she has tried for the last couple of years to make it work. However, as I stated in my first journal entry, I couldn’t fix something that I didn’t notice was broken. So now that I know it has problems or is broken, can she walk away with a clear conscience knowing that I am doing everything I can to make it work? This is just one of several questions that I have.
I am desperately trying to give her the space that she has requested. Someone told me the other day that the fat lady hasn’t sang yet, and for me to push things upon Amie is like shoving the fat lady onto the stage. So I am struggling to give her the space that she has asked. Yet at the same time, if I just walk away from her and let her file without making any effort I could not rest in peace about this situation for the rest of my life. As the authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook stated, a divorce is an incomplete relationship for the person who is walked away from. In order for them to recover from their grief they must seek completeness in that relationship. Thus, my actions and words of love towards her now not only help me to hold onto an ounce of hope, but it should help me in the future to find completeness should she continue to walk away. So my reasons for showing her love are multi-faceted.
Amie told me approximately a week ago that she has given up her dreams, desires, and goals for our relationship. The interesting thing is that she doesn’t have to abandon those things for our relationship. I am fully willing and prepared to seek her dreams, desires, and hopes as my own. She has expressed great interest in teaching in St. Louis. Should she give our relationship just one more shot I would love to pack up and move with her. The situation is not an either/or situation. It’s not EITHER her dreams, goals, and desires OR me. Amie’s dreams are my dreams. Her desires are my desires. Her goals are my goals. I hope that she sees that she can have her cake and eat it too, because that’s exactly what I’m wanting to do. I want to help provide my wife with the happiness that she deserves.
She may not have seen it before, but when Amie experienced an emotion I experienced it with her. When she was doubting her ability to sing, my heart broke and tried to restore that within her. When she would laugh, my soul would laugh. When she would cry, my heart would break and cry with her. Amie is not just a part of my life, she is my life.
I have noticed within the last few days how much more specific my prayers have been. Before I was praying that God would soften her heart, provide me with wisdom, and heal my broken emotions. The closer I get to God the more I am beginning to ask for specific things. I am now praying that God would not only soften her heart, but that he would give her an innate desire to give our relationship a chance. That she would someday want things to work and be willing to give it a chance.
I finished reading The Five Love Languages this morning and remember reading story after story about marriages that were terminal, but God restored their marriage. It doesn’t make sense to me how if there’s a chance for God to work a miracle in our relationship why she’s not willing to even try. I mentioned in a previous journal entry that a divorce creates a gash that will forever bleed and never fully heal. Why is she so adamant about a divorce when the chance exists? Only she and God fully understand her thoughts and heart. If I need to I will pray for years to come that God will break my wife’s heart and bring her back to me.
I finished the mosaic today. It took me approximately 25 hours to complete, but it was worth every minute. Not only did it serve as a sort of therapy for me, but it was a very peaceful and relaxing thing to do. For those 25 hours I can honestly say that I was thinking about nothing but my wife, and loving her even though she wasn’t present to receive my love. It provided me with a constant thought and prayer for my wife and for 25 hours. It wasn’t easy for me to make it, because I’ve never done a mosaic before… much more a tile mosaic. But it was worth every minute, even if she sees it and shrugs it off.
I love Amie. If all of these acts of love do nothing more for her, I pray that she sees how much I love her. William Shakespeare once said, “love sought is good, but given unsought is better.” Amie is a love that was unsought. She is my life, my love, my bride. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.
I love you so much Amie. Sleep well tonight and I hope to hear from you tomorrow.
Divorce Journal Entry #43
March 22, 2007
7:51 am
I love Amie. Nothing can or ever will change that. Yet another empty house that I find myself seeing her in, but she’s not here.
This morning I was reading The Five Love Languages. There is another familiar story that seems to be very similar to Amie and me on pages 141 – 145. Dr. Chapman closes that section by saying, “can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.” I love my wife and I believe that I’m beginning to speak her language.
After being confronted by a woman who asked him if it’s possible to love someone you hate, Dr. Chapman then talks somewhat about his difficult past with his wife on page 148.
“We reflected on the early days of our own marriage and remembered that we had often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What makes the difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love. We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning, we would destroy our marriage.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 148
Is Amie filled with anger and resentment? If so, I pray that God gives me the knowledge and strength to help her through this. The thought of my wife experiencing those emotions towards me hurts.
Dr. Chapman then says on page 151, “when the [emotional] tank is low… we have no love feelings towards our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.” I pray that Amie can forgive me for not speaking her language all this time. It only made sense to me that acts of service and gifts would speak as highly to her as it did to me. Dr. Chapman has stated throughout this book that this is a common misconception among marriages. I love my wife and long to show her in her language. I believe this can fill her tank and allow our marriage to grow.
“Certainly we do not have warm feelings for people who hate us. That would be abnormal, but we can do loving acts for them. That is simply a choice. We hope that such loving acts will have a positive effect upon their attitudes and behavior and treatment. But at least we have chosen to do something positive for them.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 156
I’m not saying that Amie hates me. Only she knows what feelings she has when she looks at me. But even though she is not seeking healing in this relationship, I will continue to do loving acts for her. I pray that she sees my deep love for her and responds just a bit. I pray that this shower of love fills her love tank just enough that she responds lovingly. If that is the case I will spend time everyday speaking her language and filling her tank. If she should not respond to my love, I pray that someday she sees how much I truly care.
In closing his book on page 174, Dr. Chapman makes one last statement that stood out to me. He says, “when the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.”
May God soften Amie’s heart and give her a peace concerning our relationship. May she see that things can and will be different; that I truly desire to meet her needs. I love Amie, my wife and friend.
7:51 am
I love Amie. Nothing can or ever will change that. Yet another empty house that I find myself seeing her in, but she’s not here.
This morning I was reading The Five Love Languages. There is another familiar story that seems to be very similar to Amie and me on pages 141 – 145. Dr. Chapman closes that section by saying, “can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.” I love my wife and I believe that I’m beginning to speak her language.
After being confronted by a woman who asked him if it’s possible to love someone you hate, Dr. Chapman then talks somewhat about his difficult past with his wife on page 148.
“We reflected on the early days of our own marriage and remembered that we had often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What makes the difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love. We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning, we would destroy our marriage.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 148
Is Amie filled with anger and resentment? If so, I pray that God gives me the knowledge and strength to help her through this. The thought of my wife experiencing those emotions towards me hurts.
Dr. Chapman then says on page 151, “when the [emotional] tank is low… we have no love feelings towards our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.” I pray that Amie can forgive me for not speaking her language all this time. It only made sense to me that acts of service and gifts would speak as highly to her as it did to me. Dr. Chapman has stated throughout this book that this is a common misconception among marriages. I love my wife and long to show her in her language. I believe this can fill her tank and allow our marriage to grow.
“Certainly we do not have warm feelings for people who hate us. That would be abnormal, but we can do loving acts for them. That is simply a choice. We hope that such loving acts will have a positive effect upon their attitudes and behavior and treatment. But at least we have chosen to do something positive for them.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 156
I’m not saying that Amie hates me. Only she knows what feelings she has when she looks at me. But even though she is not seeking healing in this relationship, I will continue to do loving acts for her. I pray that she sees my deep love for her and responds just a bit. I pray that this shower of love fills her love tank just enough that she responds lovingly. If that is the case I will spend time everyday speaking her language and filling her tank. If she should not respond to my love, I pray that someday she sees how much I truly care.
In closing his book on page 174, Dr. Chapman makes one last statement that stood out to me. He says, “when the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.”
May God soften Amie’s heart and give her a peace concerning our relationship. May she see that things can and will be different; that I truly desire to meet her needs. I love Amie, my wife and friend.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #42
March 21, 2007
9:49 pm
Wow, what a day. I worked my butt off today to make a few dollars. It’s so hard to think that I’m doing this just to make ends meet right now. I don’t mind working hard at all, but to think that every dollar is vitally important sucks.
I meant to write this morning, but was busy trying to get things together for the long day ahead.
This morning while reading The Five Love Languages I was floored to see some of the author’s statements. I found them profoundly similar to my story.
“How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, ‘I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.’ I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 129
This sounds very familiar to what Amie told me on our wedding day.
“But as I stand here now, I vow to love you through it all. Love is a choice. It is not just a feeling or emotion. Day after day, it is a conscious choice. I vow to love you for the rest of my life. I vow to wake up every morning and consciously choose to love you that day. When life is chugging away, careers are in full force, kids are screaming and the house is in dire need of a good cleaning, I vow to remember our love.”
Amie had things figured out. She knew that love was a conscious choice, just as the author states. But where does that stand for her today? Has she forgotten that her love is a conscious choice or has she refused to care? Has she taken the roll of judge as the author presents on page 46?
On the following page the author makes another fitting statement.
“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 130
“Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 132
This is what I want to provide to Amie, and have no doubt that I can provide it abundantly. Why is she so closed to allowing me the chance? She says it’s too little too late, but nothing is too little or too late when it comes to love. She can choose to allow me the chance to fill her love tank, and I pray that she does.
Dr. Chapman tells a story in pages 130 – 135 that was very much alike my situation with my wife, with a few minor exceptions. That couple worked through it… why can’t we? He says at the end of the story that “the key to the rebirth of their marriage was discovering each other’s primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently.” I am convinced that should Amie chose forgiveness we can and will be reborn just the same.
He continues by saying that “when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.” The act of quality time by listening, taking walks, playing Frisbee, or planting flowers doesn’t come naturally to me, but I want to do these things for my wife. Providing words of affirmation is not natural for me, but I want to work on it and uplift her through those. Personal touch, as she clearly knows, is not easy for me, yet I want to speak that language to her. Those are her needs and I desperately want the chance to provide them to her and watch our marriage heal and blossom.
“The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does our emotions return, and our love tank begins to fill.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 136
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
1)Ephesians 5:28
9:49 pm
Wow, what a day. I worked my butt off today to make a few dollars. It’s so hard to think that I’m doing this just to make ends meet right now. I don’t mind working hard at all, but to think that every dollar is vitally important sucks.
I meant to write this morning, but was busy trying to get things together for the long day ahead.
This morning while reading The Five Love Languages I was floored to see some of the author’s statements. I found them profoundly similar to my story.
“How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, ‘I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.’ I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 129
This sounds very familiar to what Amie told me on our wedding day.
“But as I stand here now, I vow to love you through it all. Love is a choice. It is not just a feeling or emotion. Day after day, it is a conscious choice. I vow to love you for the rest of my life. I vow to wake up every morning and consciously choose to love you that day. When life is chugging away, careers are in full force, kids are screaming and the house is in dire need of a good cleaning, I vow to remember our love.”
Amie had things figured out. She knew that love was a conscious choice, just as the author states. But where does that stand for her today? Has she forgotten that her love is a conscious choice or has she refused to care? Has she taken the roll of judge as the author presents on page 46?
On the following page the author makes another fitting statement.
“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 130
“Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 132
This is what I want to provide to Amie, and have no doubt that I can provide it abundantly. Why is she so closed to allowing me the chance? She says it’s too little too late, but nothing is too little or too late when it comes to love. She can choose to allow me the chance to fill her love tank, and I pray that she does.
Dr. Chapman tells a story in pages 130 – 135 that was very much alike my situation with my wife, with a few minor exceptions. That couple worked through it… why can’t we? He says at the end of the story that “the key to the rebirth of their marriage was discovering each other’s primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently.” I am convinced that should Amie chose forgiveness we can and will be reborn just the same.
He continues by saying that “when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.” The act of quality time by listening, taking walks, playing Frisbee, or planting flowers doesn’t come naturally to me, but I want to do these things for my wife. Providing words of affirmation is not natural for me, but I want to work on it and uplift her through those. Personal touch, as she clearly knows, is not easy for me, yet I want to speak that language to her. Those are her needs and I desperately want the chance to provide them to her and watch our marriage heal and blossom.
“The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does our emotions return, and our love tank begins to fill.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 136
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
1)Ephesians 5:28
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #41
8:31 pm
All day long I’ve yearned to talk to my wife. I finally had a reason to contact her, so I called.
It was so soothing to hear her voice again. I can listen to those voicemails all I want, but the interaction of actually talking to her gives me an indescribable joy. I miss my wife.
Earlier today I was at my parent’s house doing some work for them. I told my mother how desperately I miss my wife. She asked me if it was Amie that I missed or companionship. I promptly answered “Amie”.
Loneliness doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t bother me. Being without Amie scares me. That bothers me. She is my source of joy; definition of love. Without joy and love I’m scared.
Yesterday I mowed the yard and removed limbs. I raked around the fence line and filled 19 trash bags full of leaves. I didn’t think it would have been nearly that many. Yet, after realizing what I got myself into I never thought twice about completing it. Nothing is too big if it’s for my wife.
I planted some flowers for her today. I’m not sure that it’s the type of flowers that she would like or the colors that she would chose, but nonetheless it’s the thought. I felt like a blind man playing poker when trying to dig the holes, but I think it turned out nicely. I can only hope that this act of love fills her tank an ounce.
I have had a few people ask me why I’ve put so much time into the mosaic or why I keep doing things for her. They don’t seem to understand how in a situation that would seemingly have no hope, why I continue to hope. Why I continue to labor over these acts of service for her.
The answer to the above question is multi-faceted. First, I love my wife. Secondly, it keeps me thinking of how much I love her. Third, it seems to be good therapy for me in dealing with the current situation. Fourth, any chance I have to fill her tank an ounce I’m going to take. Fifth, I don’t ever want to question if I could have done anything more to fix this marriage. And lastly, should a divorce happen I believe that it will help me to find completion in an incomplete relationship.
The bottom line is that I love Amie more than anything. That’s why she’s the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thought I have when I finally find rest. She is a part of me; a part that is not easily dismissed.
“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”
1)Jeremiah 33:6
All day long I’ve yearned to talk to my wife. I finally had a reason to contact her, so I called.
It was so soothing to hear her voice again. I can listen to those voicemails all I want, but the interaction of actually talking to her gives me an indescribable joy. I miss my wife.
Earlier today I was at my parent’s house doing some work for them. I told my mother how desperately I miss my wife. She asked me if it was Amie that I missed or companionship. I promptly answered “Amie”.
Loneliness doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t bother me. Being without Amie scares me. That bothers me. She is my source of joy; definition of love. Without joy and love I’m scared.
Yesterday I mowed the yard and removed limbs. I raked around the fence line and filled 19 trash bags full of leaves. I didn’t think it would have been nearly that many. Yet, after realizing what I got myself into I never thought twice about completing it. Nothing is too big if it’s for my wife.
I planted some flowers for her today. I’m not sure that it’s the type of flowers that she would like or the colors that she would chose, but nonetheless it’s the thought. I felt like a blind man playing poker when trying to dig the holes, but I think it turned out nicely. I can only hope that this act of love fills her tank an ounce.
I have had a few people ask me why I’ve put so much time into the mosaic or why I keep doing things for her. They don’t seem to understand how in a situation that would seemingly have no hope, why I continue to hope. Why I continue to labor over these acts of service for her.
The answer to the above question is multi-faceted. First, I love my wife. Secondly, it keeps me thinking of how much I love her. Third, it seems to be good therapy for me in dealing with the current situation. Fourth, any chance I have to fill her tank an ounce I’m going to take. Fifth, I don’t ever want to question if I could have done anything more to fix this marriage. And lastly, should a divorce happen I believe that it will help me to find completion in an incomplete relationship.
The bottom line is that I love Amie more than anything. That’s why she’s the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thought I have when I finally find rest. She is a part of me; a part that is not easily dismissed.
“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”
1)Jeremiah 33:6
Divorce Journal Entry #40
March 20, 2007
7:00 am
Last night was yet again another restless night. I woke up this morning wanting my wife so badly to come home. The word “miss” doesn’t hardly seem accurate.
I sat and began to read from The Five Love Languages. A couple statements stood out to me.
“Many of us are like Patrick. We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 63
Reading this made me remember the day that my wife broke her glasses. She was devastated. She was not only upset for breaking them, but was afraid that we couldn’t afford to purchase new glasses for her. I remember looking at her analytically, not sympathetically. I offered a solution, not condolence.
I know that the above example seems rather small, but that’s what she wanted me to do with her. After allowing her to vent her frustrations, then she would seek a solution. I only offered a solution.
“One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first major league baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh, yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 71
The above statement made me think of memories that Amie and I have shared together. Below is a short list:
Walking through the fog while in college
Dancing on a frozen river and writing “I love you” in the snow
Working with kids at Center Baptist Church
Going to the grocery store and seeing my wife wearing a hairnet in the deli
Riding the motorcycle with my her
The joy of our first place together
A comedy theater and dinner in Chicago
Racing to the car while running through the wind and rain on the Chicago pier
Standing in Times Square
Having two portraits drawn of us
Her sitting with me while I was at the hospital
Racing sandals while watching the tide come in at the Jamaica resort
Sharing seats together as the Braves played the Cardinals in Busch stadium
Sitting with her while she got her tattoo
Standing on the roof of our house watching fireworks
The gracious look on her face during Christmas 2006 while opening gifts
Crying at the academy after seeing her car waiting outside to surprise me
I yearn to be with my wife again; to make more memories. God please provide me with the wisdom and strength.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
1)Psalm 46:1
7:00 am
Last night was yet again another restless night. I woke up this morning wanting my wife so badly to come home. The word “miss” doesn’t hardly seem accurate.
I sat and began to read from The Five Love Languages. A couple statements stood out to me.
“Many of us are like Patrick. We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 63
Reading this made me remember the day that my wife broke her glasses. She was devastated. She was not only upset for breaking them, but was afraid that we couldn’t afford to purchase new glasses for her. I remember looking at her analytically, not sympathetically. I offered a solution, not condolence.
I know that the above example seems rather small, but that’s what she wanted me to do with her. After allowing her to vent her frustrations, then she would seek a solution. I only offered a solution.
“One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first major league baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh, yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 71
The above statement made me think of memories that Amie and I have shared together. Below is a short list:
Walking through the fog while in college
Dancing on a frozen river and writing “I love you” in the snow
Working with kids at Center Baptist Church
Going to the grocery store and seeing my wife wearing a hairnet in the deli
Riding the motorcycle with my her
The joy of our first place together
A comedy theater and dinner in Chicago
Racing to the car while running through the wind and rain on the Chicago pier
Standing in Times Square
Having two portraits drawn of us
Her sitting with me while I was at the hospital
Racing sandals while watching the tide come in at the Jamaica resort
Sharing seats together as the Braves played the Cardinals in Busch stadium
Sitting with her while she got her tattoo
Standing on the roof of our house watching fireworks
The gracious look on her face during Christmas 2006 while opening gifts
Crying at the academy after seeing her car waiting outside to surprise me
I yearn to be with my wife again; to make more memories. God please provide me with the wisdom and strength.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
1)Psalm 46:1
Monday, March 19, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #39
10:14 pm
I want so desperately to talk to my wife. Every day I’ve wanted to call her, just to say I love you. But I know that she needs her space. So I await her call.
Every time my phone rings, my heart skips a beat… hoping it’s her. And each time my feelings are crushed to realize it’s someone else. I almost hate answering the phone.
I have a couple of voicemails on my phone that I’ve saved from her. These voicemails were not happy times, but nonetheless I am able to hear her voice when I want. Although I cannot communicate back, just her voice soothes me.
I have found myself lately talking to her, but she’s not around. I wish she would call.
I’ve also found myself coming home after working somewhere hoping to see her car in the driveway. I know that this is not a realistic expectation because she’s with her family, but I hope anyhow.
While showering I find myself dreaming of her just opening the door and saying hi. When I step out of the shower and walk into the bedroom I pray that she’s in the room wanting to talk.
Why is it that I feel this way?
I miss all the little things that she does. My life is in going through an abnormal state and my heart wants it to be normal. My mind tells me that it could be normal; that today is a new day, a new life.
Yet I still find myself waiting.
I miss my wife.
I want so desperately to talk to my wife. Every day I’ve wanted to call her, just to say I love you. But I know that she needs her space. So I await her call.
Every time my phone rings, my heart skips a beat… hoping it’s her. And each time my feelings are crushed to realize it’s someone else. I almost hate answering the phone.
I have a couple of voicemails on my phone that I’ve saved from her. These voicemails were not happy times, but nonetheless I am able to hear her voice when I want. Although I cannot communicate back, just her voice soothes me.
I have found myself lately talking to her, but she’s not around. I wish she would call.
I’ve also found myself coming home after working somewhere hoping to see her car in the driveway. I know that this is not a realistic expectation because she’s with her family, but I hope anyhow.
While showering I find myself dreaming of her just opening the door and saying hi. When I step out of the shower and walk into the bedroom I pray that she’s in the room wanting to talk.
Why is it that I feel this way?
I miss all the little things that she does. My life is in going through an abnormal state and my heart wants it to be normal. My mind tells me that it could be normal; that today is a new day, a new life.
Yet I still find myself waiting.
I miss my wife.
Divorce Journal Entry #38
8:32 pm
I just finished meeting with a counselor. He made some very interesting points that I wish to remember.
He told me that one thing a wife needs more than anything is security. She has left the umbrella of her family and entered under the wing of her husband. She desires financial, emotional, and physical security. As a husband it is my utmost priority to provide my wife with those securities.
He said that my past actions have jeopardized that security. He offered me hope however by stating that those securities can be reestablished with time. He told me, with his wife sitting next to him, that he has been married 34 years. He told me that from 1986 – 1996 he entered into 10 different relationships with women other than his wife. He told me that all he desired from his wife was acknowledgment of what he’d done for her, but that it seemed non-existent. He told me that he sought those feelings from other people, only to find that they would last for a short while. He told me that it took he and his wife the past 10 years to rebuild their securities with one another. Nothing is impossible with God.
He told me that I cannot change my wife. I can only change me. He told me that when the smoke clears it will be seen as to who I really am. Through the events of the past year I believe that I’ve already found who I am. I believe that I am a loving, caring, humble, and patient man of God. He told me that should I maintain my integrity and humility that someday Amie will see who I really am. Then she will be able to reexamine me and those feelings of security will likely return.
I just finished meeting with a counselor. He made some very interesting points that I wish to remember.
He told me that one thing a wife needs more than anything is security. She has left the umbrella of her family and entered under the wing of her husband. She desires financial, emotional, and physical security. As a husband it is my utmost priority to provide my wife with those securities.
He said that my past actions have jeopardized that security. He offered me hope however by stating that those securities can be reestablished with time. He told me, with his wife sitting next to him, that he has been married 34 years. He told me that from 1986 – 1996 he entered into 10 different relationships with women other than his wife. He told me that all he desired from his wife was acknowledgment of what he’d done for her, but that it seemed non-existent. He told me that he sought those feelings from other people, only to find that they would last for a short while. He told me that it took he and his wife the past 10 years to rebuild their securities with one another. Nothing is impossible with God.
He told me that I cannot change my wife. I can only change me. He told me that when the smoke clears it will be seen as to who I really am. Through the events of the past year I believe that I’ve already found who I am. I believe that I am a loving, caring, humble, and patient man of God. He told me that should I maintain my integrity and humility that someday Amie will see who I really am. Then she will be able to reexamine me and those feelings of security will likely return.
Divorce Journal Entry #37
March 19, 2007
7:17 am
I woke up this morning in our bed alone. My mind instantly filled with what Amie is really saying when she says she wants a divorce.
“I no longer love you.”
“I no longer desire you.”
“I do not want a life with you anymore.”
“My future does not include you.”
“I do not want to talk to you daily.”
“I do not want to share moments with you anymore.”
“I do not forgive you.”
“I do not desire intimacy with you.”
“I do not want to be close to you.”
“Our marriage means nothing.”
“I want out.”
“I would rather be alone than with you.”
“I do not care how you feel.”
“I do not care what you want.”
“I do not care about us.”
“My dreams and goals are more important than you.”
“I do not want our marriage to work.”
All of these thoughts deeply sadden me. I want nothing more than the exact opposite of what she’s saying.
“Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”
1)Isaiah 57:2
Last night I was reading further in The Grief Recovery Handbook. A few different thoughts stood out to me.
“Bedevilment is the opposite of enshrinement. The griever has a litany of complaints detailing a lifetime of mistreatment. They are unwilling to let go of disappointments and anger. With bedevilment, the griever clings to the negatives just as the enshriner clings to the positives, but neither views the entire relationship.
All relationships include both positive and negative interactions. We know that you can complete grief only by being totally honest with yourself and others.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 53-54
Further in the book, the authors begin to offer steps for grievers that will help in the recovery stage. The first of these steps is choosing to recover. They suggest three words that will help a griever begin the process of recovery: different, better, or more.
“Whether the loss is a death, a divorce, or a painful estrangement from another person, the question ‘What do you wish had been different, better, or more?’ will always help you find what is incomplete.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 61
Although I do believe that Amie knows that I love her, I wish I had told her more. I wish I had been more vocal with her about my feelings towards her. I would hold her more, and stimulate her emotionally more. I would communicate with her differently, in her own language. I would respond better to her sorrow and show more enthusiasm in her joy. I would focus more intently on filling her tank.
“What ruins the picnic - the rain or one’s attitude about the rain? This is a trick question. The answer is both. The rain really does ruin the picnic, but you cannot do anything about the rain, you can only deal with your reaction to the rain. The same is true of almost all losses. What causes my grief – the loss or my reaction to the loss? Again, the answer is both. While we cannot undo what has happened, we can do something about our reaction. We can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain, disappointment, frustration, and heartache caused by what has happened.”
- The Grief Recover Handbook, p. 64
I have remained fervent in prayer that God will provide me with humility and love in each encounter with Amie. I truly believe that he has done that for me. I do not believe that I could react any better to the agony that I’m feeling. Should a divorce come to fruition, I want to know for the rest of my life that I handled it as well as I possibly could and as lovingly as I possibly could.
7:17 am
I woke up this morning in our bed alone. My mind instantly filled with what Amie is really saying when she says she wants a divorce.
“I no longer love you.”
“I no longer desire you.”
“I do not want a life with you anymore.”
“My future does not include you.”
“I do not want to talk to you daily.”
“I do not want to share moments with you anymore.”
“I do not forgive you.”
“I do not desire intimacy with you.”
“I do not want to be close to you.”
“Our marriage means nothing.”
“I want out.”
“I would rather be alone than with you.”
“I do not care how you feel.”
“I do not care what you want.”
“I do not care about us.”
“My dreams and goals are more important than you.”
“I do not want our marriage to work.”
All of these thoughts deeply sadden me. I want nothing more than the exact opposite of what she’s saying.
“Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”
1)Isaiah 57:2
Last night I was reading further in The Grief Recovery Handbook. A few different thoughts stood out to me.
“Bedevilment is the opposite of enshrinement. The griever has a litany of complaints detailing a lifetime of mistreatment. They are unwilling to let go of disappointments and anger. With bedevilment, the griever clings to the negatives just as the enshriner clings to the positives, but neither views the entire relationship.
All relationships include both positive and negative interactions. We know that you can complete grief only by being totally honest with yourself and others.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 53-54
Further in the book, the authors begin to offer steps for grievers that will help in the recovery stage. The first of these steps is choosing to recover. They suggest three words that will help a griever begin the process of recovery: different, better, or more.
“Whether the loss is a death, a divorce, or a painful estrangement from another person, the question ‘What do you wish had been different, better, or more?’ will always help you find what is incomplete.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 61
Although I do believe that Amie knows that I love her, I wish I had told her more. I wish I had been more vocal with her about my feelings towards her. I would hold her more, and stimulate her emotionally more. I would communicate with her differently, in her own language. I would respond better to her sorrow and show more enthusiasm in her joy. I would focus more intently on filling her tank.
“What ruins the picnic - the rain or one’s attitude about the rain? This is a trick question. The answer is both. The rain really does ruin the picnic, but you cannot do anything about the rain, you can only deal with your reaction to the rain. The same is true of almost all losses. What causes my grief – the loss or my reaction to the loss? Again, the answer is both. While we cannot undo what has happened, we can do something about our reaction. We can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain, disappointment, frustration, and heartache caused by what has happened.”
- The Grief Recover Handbook, p. 64
I have remained fervent in prayer that God will provide me with humility and love in each encounter with Amie. I truly believe that he has done that for me. I do not believe that I could react any better to the agony that I’m feeling. Should a divorce come to fruition, I want to know for the rest of my life that I handled it as well as I possibly could and as lovingly as I possibly could.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #36
March 18, 2007
7:54 pm
I had abandoned this journal, but I feel that it is essential in my healing and recovery from grief.
I have been reading a couple of books lately to help me through this process. I picked up a copy of “The Five Love Languages”. This book has helped me to recognize several things pertaining to my relationship with my wife that I hadn’t previously known. It also has provided me with reassurance as to how things have taken place in the past. The second book I’m reading is “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. This book has been a God-send as it speaks directly to me. It addresses several of the feelings I’ve had and is designed to help the reader truly recover from an event that causes grief, rather than hide it.
I have described the recent events with my wife to people as an overwhelming sense of various emotions. It has been exhausting going from day-to-day because I have experienced a roller coaster of feelings; changing as quickly as the wind. The Grief Recovery Handbook acknowledges this as the definition of grief.
“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 3
I talked with Andrew a few days ago about various things that people have said to me that have been intended for good, but instead caused further pain and resentment.
“I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been through it three times.” – Lowes worker
“Someday you’ll find someone else.” – My wife
“At least you don’t have children together.” – Almost everyone
“You’ll do better next time.” – Family friend
“Women think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” – Landlord
“She’s probably cheating.” – Directv Customer Service Rep.
I don’t want someone to tell me that they know how I feel. Yes, they may have experienced a divorce in the past, but their story is theirs and my story is mine. No one knows how I feel. Why do they try to discount my pain with their own?
I don’t want to find someone else. I have found my joy and have no desire to think of anyone else. The thought of touching, seeing, or speaking to anyone as I do my wife sickens me.
What if I want children together? I would love to stare a child in the eyes and see Amie and me in those eyes looking back at me. Would it make a divorce more difficult? Sure. But I want to experience children with her someday.
Can I do better? I don’t think so. My wife is everything to me, nothing less. I find it hard to believe that someone better exists for me. The thought alone is adulteress.
Does Amie think the grass is greener elsewhere? Only she and God know. How is this statement supposed to comfort or console me?
And finally, who the hell is the Directv lady to tell me that my wife is probably cheating. I would agree that if she is even remotely emotionally attached to anyone then yes, she is cheating. But only she and God know. The point is that this statement is more hurtful to me that helpful.
So what do I need from people? What can they say to me that genuinely shows empathy?
“I cannot begin to understand what you’re feeling.” – Very few people
“I’ve been through a divorce before, but I cannot say that I know how you feel.”
– Federal Probation and Parole Officer
“My heart breaks for you.” – Sunday School Teacher
“I have been praying for you.” – Several people
Those statements provide me with comfort. These people recognize that I may not be experiencing what they themselves have experienced. They know that my feelings are just that, mine. They do not try to mitigate my pain.
In The Grief Recovery Handbook, the authors discuss that time, solitude, or replacement are not healthy ways to deal with grief; more specifically, divorce. Instead they refer to a divorce as an unfinished relationship. In order to effectively recover from divorce they suggest that the grievant finish the unfinished. Perhaps that is why I have such a desire to show my wife in several different ways that I love her, and vow to love her even should a divorce happen.
They discuss the issue of guilt, also known as the “G” word. They note that the dictionary definition of guilt implies an intent to harm. Though some people may argue otherwise, I never intended to harm or hurt my wife. I have hurt my wife, but the absence of intent relieves me of a feeling of guilt. Or so suggest the authors.
A few long statements in The Five Love Languages further addressed my painful past.
“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we don’t always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes said and done hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and asked forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I chose justice and chose to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I chose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 46
In order for love to prevail in my relationship with my wife, she must be willing to forgive me of my past. I have expressed deep remorse and begged her for forgiveness. As supported by Scripture and noted in The Five Love Languages, my wife now should forgive. This, as stated below in the next quote, does not eliminate the pain of the wrongdoing, but is necessary as an act of love.
“The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can chose to live today free of the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. ‘I love you. I care about you, and I chose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here.’ Those are the words of affirmation expressed in the dialect of kind words.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 47
I pray that my wife seeks forgiveness. I pray that the greatest moments and sense of love are yet to come. I pray that my hopes, dreams, and goals with Amie are a thing of the future, not the past. I love my wife.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1)1 Corinthians 13:4-8
7:54 pm
I had abandoned this journal, but I feel that it is essential in my healing and recovery from grief.
I have been reading a couple of books lately to help me through this process. I picked up a copy of “The Five Love Languages”. This book has helped me to recognize several things pertaining to my relationship with my wife that I hadn’t previously known. It also has provided me with reassurance as to how things have taken place in the past. The second book I’m reading is “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. This book has been a God-send as it speaks directly to me. It addresses several of the feelings I’ve had and is designed to help the reader truly recover from an event that causes grief, rather than hide it.
I have described the recent events with my wife to people as an overwhelming sense of various emotions. It has been exhausting going from day-to-day because I have experienced a roller coaster of feelings; changing as quickly as the wind. The Grief Recovery Handbook acknowledges this as the definition of grief.
“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 3
I talked with Andrew a few days ago about various things that people have said to me that have been intended for good, but instead caused further pain and resentment.
“I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been through it three times.” – Lowes worker
“Someday you’ll find someone else.” – My wife
“At least you don’t have children together.” – Almost everyone
“You’ll do better next time.” – Family friend
“Women think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” – Landlord
“She’s probably cheating.” – Directv Customer Service Rep.
I don’t want someone to tell me that they know how I feel. Yes, they may have experienced a divorce in the past, but their story is theirs and my story is mine. No one knows how I feel. Why do they try to discount my pain with their own?
I don’t want to find someone else. I have found my joy and have no desire to think of anyone else. The thought of touching, seeing, or speaking to anyone as I do my wife sickens me.
What if I want children together? I would love to stare a child in the eyes and see Amie and me in those eyes looking back at me. Would it make a divorce more difficult? Sure. But I want to experience children with her someday.
Can I do better? I don’t think so. My wife is everything to me, nothing less. I find it hard to believe that someone better exists for me. The thought alone is adulteress.
Does Amie think the grass is greener elsewhere? Only she and God know. How is this statement supposed to comfort or console me?
And finally, who the hell is the Directv lady to tell me that my wife is probably cheating. I would agree that if she is even remotely emotionally attached to anyone then yes, she is cheating. But only she and God know. The point is that this statement is more hurtful to me that helpful.
So what do I need from people? What can they say to me that genuinely shows empathy?
“I cannot begin to understand what you’re feeling.” – Very few people
“I’ve been through a divorce before, but I cannot say that I know how you feel.”
– Federal Probation and Parole Officer
“My heart breaks for you.” – Sunday School Teacher
“I have been praying for you.” – Several people
Those statements provide me with comfort. These people recognize that I may not be experiencing what they themselves have experienced. They know that my feelings are just that, mine. They do not try to mitigate my pain.
In The Grief Recovery Handbook, the authors discuss that time, solitude, or replacement are not healthy ways to deal with grief; more specifically, divorce. Instead they refer to a divorce as an unfinished relationship. In order to effectively recover from divorce they suggest that the grievant finish the unfinished. Perhaps that is why I have such a desire to show my wife in several different ways that I love her, and vow to love her even should a divorce happen.
They discuss the issue of guilt, also known as the “G” word. They note that the dictionary definition of guilt implies an intent to harm. Though some people may argue otherwise, I never intended to harm or hurt my wife. I have hurt my wife, but the absence of intent relieves me of a feeling of guilt. Or so suggest the authors.
A few long statements in The Five Love Languages further addressed my painful past.
“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we don’t always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes said and done hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and asked forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I chose justice and chose to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I chose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 46
In order for love to prevail in my relationship with my wife, she must be willing to forgive me of my past. I have expressed deep remorse and begged her for forgiveness. As supported by Scripture and noted in The Five Love Languages, my wife now should forgive. This, as stated below in the next quote, does not eliminate the pain of the wrongdoing, but is necessary as an act of love.
“The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can chose to live today free of the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. ‘I love you. I care about you, and I chose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here.’ Those are the words of affirmation expressed in the dialect of kind words.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 47
I pray that my wife seeks forgiveness. I pray that the greatest moments and sense of love are yet to come. I pray that my hopes, dreams, and goals with Amie are a thing of the future, not the past. I love my wife.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1)1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #35
March 15, 2007
3:48 am
I lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling. Amie told me last night at the house that she saw a divorce attorney and picked up the paperwork to file. She told me that she wasn’t sure if she would be able to get it in by the end of the week or not, but that once the paperwork is submitted it could be finalized in 10 days.
Why did I feel like I had to beg her to wait for my criminal proceedings to finish? Does she not understand that the one thing I never thought would leave me is now gone? The only thing I care about has crashed my world in the last 10 days, and I have to beg for her to wait? She said she would wait until March 27, 2007, my preliminary hearing.
So if I do the numbers correctly I will have gone from laying my wife on the bed to divorce finalization in 30 days. Maybe I could write a book.
Please excuse my sarcasm, as I am filled with several different emotions.
She said again last night that she has given up her dreams, that she has sacrificed her desires, that she needs to discover who she is, that she needs to move on, that she needs to focus on her needs, etc etc.
She said again that she has given to this relationship, that she has said what she needs, that she has wanted it to work, that she was now tired.
Am I wrong in saying that the problem isn’t me but is spelled “s-h-e”?
When we got married WE sacrificed OUR dreams, WE changed OUR desires, WE needed to discover who WE were, WE agreed to move on together, WE began to focus on OUR needs. We did all of these things because it was no longer she and me, but us.
And you know, we’ve both given and taken throughout this relationship. We’ve both been selfish at times, in different ways. We are both guilty of it from time to time. I’ll spare you the list.
She implies that she understands what I’m feeling and going through because she’s been contemplating a divorce for two years. I beg to differ, she has no idea. In two years time someone is able to rethink their dreams, goals, desires, and lifestyle. They prepare for what they see to be an inevitable happening, thus lessening the shock value if/when it occurs. Think on the other side of the spectrum. Over the last year and a half I have refocused my life to complement my wife more. I began to see a new hope, changed my desires to fit her, and saw a future that included her. I even opened a bank account where I saved money that we could hardly afford to save, just so I could do something special for her from time to time. Then, instantly everything’s stripped from me. All of those dreams and goals of a future… lost. Every thought, dream, desire, and hope for the future included her. Everything instantly gone with her saying that she doesn’t want it to work. She cannot begin to understand the magnitude of my pain, confusion, and disorientation.
I’m exhausted both emotionally and physically, but I refused to give up. I refused to walk away. I refused to quit.
Well, in the end my enemies have taken everything from me. Fuck them.
I want to scream, but yet I want to cry. I want to lash out, but yet I love her too much. I want to walk into the house, grab my remaining clothes and bills, split the funds, and walk out… never to speak again. Yet, I want to sit peacefully and finish the mosaic of her.
I heard of a preacher once who was talking about when his wife left him and divorced him. He said that he would rather die than experience those pains again. I would have to agree with him.
I have thought for the past few days which would be worse: your spouse dying in a car accident, or experiencing an unwanted divorce. Everyone that I talked to agreed, divorce is worse. At least with a death you don’t see your loved one walking away from you; although divorce in and of itself is a form of death.
My ring holds immeasurable value to me. I will continue to wear it until it no longer holds legal value. Then it will never return to my finger.
I echo what the counselor told me on the first day. It doesn’t matter how badly I want it to work if she’s not willing to try. This sobering truth is exactly what’s happening. But I remained fervent in prayer for her and held onto hope. I will continue to do those things because hope is all that’s holding me together at this point.
I found a text message on my phone this morning that Amie sent me on January 18, 2007. It said, “I am very proud to call u my husband. Luv u!” My first thought was “apparently not”, but I later reminded myself that I am incredibly proud to call her my wife. And will be until the day it is no more.
Should things have worked out I planned on she and me flying to New York for a couple days and going to see “Hairspray” on Broadway. We don’t necessarily have the money to do something like this, but I reviewed my various accounts searching for a way to do that for her. I knew that she would see my love through this. I deeply love my wife and always will.
In the end, I can say confidently that I could not have handled this phase any better. Nothing that I could do would change the outcome. It’s just sad that my first indication of her considering divorce was also the point things became “too little too late.”
Everyone agrees that I made some mistakes, but up until the end I was doing something loving for her. As I sat at the computer typing our property dispersion, I listened to our wedding album to make me mindful of that day. The first thing she and I ever did together was see The Wizard of Oz and sadly the last thing we ever did together was see The Wiz. While she was in an attorney’s office gathering information about a divorce, I was in the garage making her a mosaic. I believe that my words, tone, and actions were loving in every way.
God, if this is the consequence of my mistakes then I’m willing to painfully accept it, but I’ll never understand it. Provide me with the peace and healing that only you can provide.
So another chapter to my life has come to an end.
“…we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5
3:48 am
I lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling. Amie told me last night at the house that she saw a divorce attorney and picked up the paperwork to file. She told me that she wasn’t sure if she would be able to get it in by the end of the week or not, but that once the paperwork is submitted it could be finalized in 10 days.
Why did I feel like I had to beg her to wait for my criminal proceedings to finish? Does she not understand that the one thing I never thought would leave me is now gone? The only thing I care about has crashed my world in the last 10 days, and I have to beg for her to wait? She said she would wait until March 27, 2007, my preliminary hearing.
So if I do the numbers correctly I will have gone from laying my wife on the bed to divorce finalization in 30 days. Maybe I could write a book.
Please excuse my sarcasm, as I am filled with several different emotions.
She said again last night that she has given up her dreams, that she has sacrificed her desires, that she needs to discover who she is, that she needs to move on, that she needs to focus on her needs, etc etc.
She said again that she has given to this relationship, that she has said what she needs, that she has wanted it to work, that she was now tired.
Am I wrong in saying that the problem isn’t me but is spelled “s-h-e”?
When we got married WE sacrificed OUR dreams, WE changed OUR desires, WE needed to discover who WE were, WE agreed to move on together, WE began to focus on OUR needs. We did all of these things because it was no longer she and me, but us.
And you know, we’ve both given and taken throughout this relationship. We’ve both been selfish at times, in different ways. We are both guilty of it from time to time. I’ll spare you the list.
She implies that she understands what I’m feeling and going through because she’s been contemplating a divorce for two years. I beg to differ, she has no idea. In two years time someone is able to rethink their dreams, goals, desires, and lifestyle. They prepare for what they see to be an inevitable happening, thus lessening the shock value if/when it occurs. Think on the other side of the spectrum. Over the last year and a half I have refocused my life to complement my wife more. I began to see a new hope, changed my desires to fit her, and saw a future that included her. I even opened a bank account where I saved money that we could hardly afford to save, just so I could do something special for her from time to time. Then, instantly everything’s stripped from me. All of those dreams and goals of a future… lost. Every thought, dream, desire, and hope for the future included her. Everything instantly gone with her saying that she doesn’t want it to work. She cannot begin to understand the magnitude of my pain, confusion, and disorientation.
I’m exhausted both emotionally and physically, but I refused to give up. I refused to walk away. I refused to quit.
Well, in the end my enemies have taken everything from me. Fuck them.
I want to scream, but yet I want to cry. I want to lash out, but yet I love her too much. I want to walk into the house, grab my remaining clothes and bills, split the funds, and walk out… never to speak again. Yet, I want to sit peacefully and finish the mosaic of her.
I heard of a preacher once who was talking about when his wife left him and divorced him. He said that he would rather die than experience those pains again. I would have to agree with him.
I have thought for the past few days which would be worse: your spouse dying in a car accident, or experiencing an unwanted divorce. Everyone that I talked to agreed, divorce is worse. At least with a death you don’t see your loved one walking away from you; although divorce in and of itself is a form of death.
My ring holds immeasurable value to me. I will continue to wear it until it no longer holds legal value. Then it will never return to my finger.
I echo what the counselor told me on the first day. It doesn’t matter how badly I want it to work if she’s not willing to try. This sobering truth is exactly what’s happening. But I remained fervent in prayer for her and held onto hope. I will continue to do those things because hope is all that’s holding me together at this point.
I found a text message on my phone this morning that Amie sent me on January 18, 2007. It said, “I am very proud to call u my husband. Luv u!” My first thought was “apparently not”, but I later reminded myself that I am incredibly proud to call her my wife. And will be until the day it is no more.
Should things have worked out I planned on she and me flying to New York for a couple days and going to see “Hairspray” on Broadway. We don’t necessarily have the money to do something like this, but I reviewed my various accounts searching for a way to do that for her. I knew that she would see my love through this. I deeply love my wife and always will.
In the end, I can say confidently that I could not have handled this phase any better. Nothing that I could do would change the outcome. It’s just sad that my first indication of her considering divorce was also the point things became “too little too late.”
Everyone agrees that I made some mistakes, but up until the end I was doing something loving for her. As I sat at the computer typing our property dispersion, I listened to our wedding album to make me mindful of that day. The first thing she and I ever did together was see The Wizard of Oz and sadly the last thing we ever did together was see The Wiz. While she was in an attorney’s office gathering information about a divorce, I was in the garage making her a mosaic. I believe that my words, tone, and actions were loving in every way.
God, if this is the consequence of my mistakes then I’m willing to painfully accept it, but I’ll never understand it. Provide me with the peace and healing that only you can provide.
So another chapter to my life has come to an end.
“…we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #34
March 14, 2007
1:33 pm
I just finished working for Ron this morning. Ron is a great caring friend to have who has experienced the pains of the divorce.
After climbing into the truck to head back to the house I noticed that I had missed a call. I checked my voicemail and heard that it was Amie. She said that there are a few things that she wants to talk about.
At first my mind flooded with positive thoughts. Perhaps this was a sign that she was beginning to miss me. Maybe she had finally talked with someone about what’s going on and she’s decided to hear me out. Is she willing to let me fill her tank?
Then I realized that the chances of that are incredibly slim. Nothing has happened so far in the last week and a half to even suggest to me that she cares how I feel.
Most likely she’ll tell me that she’s going to file for divorce, despite my only request for her to wait until after my criminal stuff is dismissed. If this is the case it will officially tell me that she no longer cares. Being separated, not talking to her, doing things with her, and hearing her feelings have been hard enough. I cannot possibly handle this as well.
Or maybe she’ll just tell me that she doesn’t want me to stay in the house next week. Not sure why that would be something she would change her mind about, but it’s possible.
Although I maintain hope, I’m not very optimistic. If she told me that she wanted to even TRY to make it work I would go through the ceiling with excitement. Even if I wasn’t prepared for it that’s how I’d react, because I want nothing more than a chance. So, I’m preparing for the worst. Anything would be better than hearing of her desire to file now.
God please protect my heart. Guide my mind and my mouth. Regardless of what she may tell me may she see my overwhelming love for her.
I miss my wife.
1:33 pm
I just finished working for Ron this morning. Ron is a great caring friend to have who has experienced the pains of the divorce.
After climbing into the truck to head back to the house I noticed that I had missed a call. I checked my voicemail and heard that it was Amie. She said that there are a few things that she wants to talk about.
At first my mind flooded with positive thoughts. Perhaps this was a sign that she was beginning to miss me. Maybe she had finally talked with someone about what’s going on and she’s decided to hear me out. Is she willing to let me fill her tank?
Then I realized that the chances of that are incredibly slim. Nothing has happened so far in the last week and a half to even suggest to me that she cares how I feel.
Most likely she’ll tell me that she’s going to file for divorce, despite my only request for her to wait until after my criminal stuff is dismissed. If this is the case it will officially tell me that she no longer cares. Being separated, not talking to her, doing things with her, and hearing her feelings have been hard enough. I cannot possibly handle this as well.
Or maybe she’ll just tell me that she doesn’t want me to stay in the house next week. Not sure why that would be something she would change her mind about, but it’s possible.
Although I maintain hope, I’m not very optimistic. If she told me that she wanted to even TRY to make it work I would go through the ceiling with excitement. Even if I wasn’t prepared for it that’s how I’d react, because I want nothing more than a chance. So, I’m preparing for the worst. Anything would be better than hearing of her desire to file now.
God please protect my heart. Guide my mind and my mouth. Regardless of what she may tell me may she see my overwhelming love for her.
I miss my wife.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #33
10:46 pm
Several thoughts are filling my mind right now.
Amie’s journal talked about stealing her joy. When she decorated the house, I criticized. When we took photo competitions, I won. I never ever intended to hurt my wife this way. She is my one true passion, nothing else.
Amie, I want you, nothing more. I want you for who you are. I want to stand beside you through this journey of life and support you. I want nothing else but you.
My heart shatters the more I think of what’s happening. If only I had known she felt this way. I never intended to hurt her, ever.
What I wouldn’t give to have a garage sale and sell all of our stuff, only to replace it with things she wants how she wants it. All of that stuff is material to me… nothing more. She is everything to me… nothing less.
How I would love to step back in time and be more vocal about her pictures. I wish I could react more affectionately when she tells me that she was voted coolest 6th grade teacher. I would give anything to rewrite the past and not have made the mistakes I made. I want her to feel my love, not loneliness. I want her to look at me with desire, not disgust. I want her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is my life and my love. She is my #1 priority and has been.
Amie, I beg you to hear me when I tell you these things. I’m not trying to offer a temporary solution to a serious problem, but rather a lifetime of endless love. I want nothing more than you.
I keep replaying the song by Josh Groban titled “You’re still you.” Amie I have loved you from the beginning, but never as deeply as I’ve learned to in the last year. You’ve seen the changes I’ve made in my life. You’ve seen the joy I have when I talk about you. You’re my life.
I understand that some of these things are probably falling on deaf ears, and that spilling my heart is perhaps too late. But all of the feelings I’ve written in these 38 pages thus far are the truth about what you mean to me. Every waking moment away from you I struggle to maintain hope. But at this point hope is all I have.
Please let me come home. I want to fill your tank till it overflows. I want to tell you in your languages how much I love you. You’re my soul.
Amie, the thought of a divorce devastates me. Not because of the meaning of the word but because it means that my life will be without you. I love you and know that you love me. Our marriage still has love, something many marriages know nothing about. Because we still have love, let’s seek healing, but not give up. Let’s seek rest, together.
In my mind there is no chance of ever revisiting where we are now. It has been an overbearing wake-up call to me, one that makes me restless. One that makes me more than anything want to be your source of joy, your life, your love. I want you to see a God-fearing, patient, loving, and humble man when you look at me. I desire for you to see me as a beauty from ashes. I want to work through this time and someday tell a story of amazing grace.
Nothing brings me more joy than thinking of waking next to you for the rest of my life, nothing. At the same time nothing brings me more sorrow than the thought of losing that.
I love you more than you can imagine, but let me show you that. I love you so much Amie. You’re my heartbeat.
Several thoughts are filling my mind right now.
Amie’s journal talked about stealing her joy. When she decorated the house, I criticized. When we took photo competitions, I won. I never ever intended to hurt my wife this way. She is my one true passion, nothing else.
Amie, I want you, nothing more. I want you for who you are. I want to stand beside you through this journey of life and support you. I want nothing else but you.
My heart shatters the more I think of what’s happening. If only I had known she felt this way. I never intended to hurt her, ever.
What I wouldn’t give to have a garage sale and sell all of our stuff, only to replace it with things she wants how she wants it. All of that stuff is material to me… nothing more. She is everything to me… nothing less.
How I would love to step back in time and be more vocal about her pictures. I wish I could react more affectionately when she tells me that she was voted coolest 6th grade teacher. I would give anything to rewrite the past and not have made the mistakes I made. I want her to feel my love, not loneliness. I want her to look at me with desire, not disgust. I want her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is my life and my love. She is my #1 priority and has been.
Amie, I beg you to hear me when I tell you these things. I’m not trying to offer a temporary solution to a serious problem, but rather a lifetime of endless love. I want nothing more than you.
I keep replaying the song by Josh Groban titled “You’re still you.” Amie I have loved you from the beginning, but never as deeply as I’ve learned to in the last year. You’ve seen the changes I’ve made in my life. You’ve seen the joy I have when I talk about you. You’re my life.
I understand that some of these things are probably falling on deaf ears, and that spilling my heart is perhaps too late. But all of the feelings I’ve written in these 38 pages thus far are the truth about what you mean to me. Every waking moment away from you I struggle to maintain hope. But at this point hope is all I have.
Please let me come home. I want to fill your tank till it overflows. I want to tell you in your languages how much I love you. You’re my soul.
Amie, the thought of a divorce devastates me. Not because of the meaning of the word but because it means that my life will be without you. I love you and know that you love me. Our marriage still has love, something many marriages know nothing about. Because we still have love, let’s seek healing, but not give up. Let’s seek rest, together.
In my mind there is no chance of ever revisiting where we are now. It has been an overbearing wake-up call to me, one that makes me restless. One that makes me more than anything want to be your source of joy, your life, your love. I want you to see a God-fearing, patient, loving, and humble man when you look at me. I desire for you to see me as a beauty from ashes. I want to work through this time and someday tell a story of amazing grace.
Nothing brings me more joy than thinking of waking next to you for the rest of my life, nothing. At the same time nothing brings me more sorrow than the thought of losing that.
I love you more than you can imagine, but let me show you that. I love you so much Amie. You’re my heartbeat.
Divorce Journal Entry #32
4:50 pm
I just received an email from Amie thanking me for helping her with the technology stuff at the house today. She still fails to tell me that she loves me. I cannot explain how badly this hurts me.
Why is my wife so closed to me? Is she repulsed by the very thought of me? Is she filled with anger and resentment for things I cannot change? Why can’t she see that my heart aches to be with her?
I love my wife and miss her deeply. I keep reminding myself that God is my source of hope, and that I must have hope or the enemy will win. Yet, it’s so hard to have hope when the door remains unanswered. Despite all of these feelings I must have hope.
I understand that the past is painful, but consider the future. I want to share endless memories with my wife and lift her up the way she needs to be lifted. I want to fill her tank until it overflows… and keep filling.
I desire to tell her that I love her more than ever, and to look intently into her eyes when she talks to me. I want to rejoice in her greatness and cry in her sorrow. I long to feel her embrace and vow to cherish it more now than ever.
Yet the door remains closed.
I want to give to her like I’ve never given to her. I want to pull her close to me and never let go. I want to laugh with her, to humiliate myself around her, to cherish her.
As much as I wish I could, I cannot change the past. I cannot remove any feelings of hostility that might be brewing within her. Only God can change those feelings as they are not from Him. But I’m a new man. I may have changed some, but deep inside I’m still the man she fell in love with… and I love her today more than I ever have.
I want to fulfill my covenant with her until the day I die. I want to unconditionally surrender my rights to her and be as one with her. I want to think daily about how to cherish her more. I want to wake each day and choose to love her more.
All of these feelings beat at the door, yet the door remains closed.
I just received an email from Amie thanking me for helping her with the technology stuff at the house today. She still fails to tell me that she loves me. I cannot explain how badly this hurts me.
Why is my wife so closed to me? Is she repulsed by the very thought of me? Is she filled with anger and resentment for things I cannot change? Why can’t she see that my heart aches to be with her?
I love my wife and miss her deeply. I keep reminding myself that God is my source of hope, and that I must have hope or the enemy will win. Yet, it’s so hard to have hope when the door remains unanswered. Despite all of these feelings I must have hope.
I understand that the past is painful, but consider the future. I want to share endless memories with my wife and lift her up the way she needs to be lifted. I want to fill her tank until it overflows… and keep filling.
I desire to tell her that I love her more than ever, and to look intently into her eyes when she talks to me. I want to rejoice in her greatness and cry in her sorrow. I long to feel her embrace and vow to cherish it more now than ever.
Yet the door remains closed.
I want to give to her like I’ve never given to her. I want to pull her close to me and never let go. I want to laugh with her, to humiliate myself around her, to cherish her.
As much as I wish I could, I cannot change the past. I cannot remove any feelings of hostility that might be brewing within her. Only God can change those feelings as they are not from Him. But I’m a new man. I may have changed some, but deep inside I’m still the man she fell in love with… and I love her today more than I ever have.
I want to fulfill my covenant with her until the day I die. I want to unconditionally surrender my rights to her and be as one with her. I want to think daily about how to cherish her more. I want to wake each day and choose to love her more.
All of these feelings beat at the door, yet the door remains closed.
Divorce Journal Entry #31
March 13, 2007
3:34 pm
I heard from my wife today. It was such a joy to hear her voice again.
She asked me about our cable/internet/phone services and wanted to know how she could cut back some services to save money. I told her what I knew.
She later called me back while I was working and left a voicemail. She asked me to help her with uninstalling a unit from the house.
I went to the house and walked in to be overcome with her scent. I cannot describe how badly I miss that scent.
I uninstalled the unit as she asked and returned it to the cable company. I also deposited every dollar I had, minus $20, into our Arvest checking account. The other $20 was deposited into the “Be Nice to Amie Fund.” I refuse to close that account until things are finalized and will continue to add funds when possible.
Should all of these things blow over I want to surprise my wife with plane tickets to NYC and show tickets to see Hairspray. She told me on Saturday night that this is the one show she wants to see more than any other. I hope that I can share the opportunity to see it with her.
I love doing acts of service for my wife. I have been fervent in prayer that I can continue to serve her and call her my wife for the rest of my life. In the meantime I will remain hopeful and seek healing.
3:34 pm
I heard from my wife today. It was such a joy to hear her voice again.
She asked me about our cable/internet/phone services and wanted to know how she could cut back some services to save money. I told her what I knew.
She later called me back while I was working and left a voicemail. She asked me to help her with uninstalling a unit from the house.
I went to the house and walked in to be overcome with her scent. I cannot describe how badly I miss that scent.
I uninstalled the unit as she asked and returned it to the cable company. I also deposited every dollar I had, minus $20, into our Arvest checking account. The other $20 was deposited into the “Be Nice to Amie Fund.” I refuse to close that account until things are finalized and will continue to add funds when possible.
Should all of these things blow over I want to surprise my wife with plane tickets to NYC and show tickets to see Hairspray. She told me on Saturday night that this is the one show she wants to see more than any other. I hope that I can share the opportunity to see it with her.
I love doing acts of service for my wife. I have been fervent in prayer that I can continue to serve her and call her my wife for the rest of my life. In the meantime I will remain hopeful and seek healing.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #30
March 12, 2007
2:37 pm
As I work
My heart is filled with sorrow for what I see.
Houses all around
With families inside.
Children laughing
As they play in the street,
Dogs barking
As a man walks his dog with his wife.
I used to experience
Some of life’s simple pleasures.
The joy of calling a house
A home.
The joy of hearing
Laughter in the park.
The joy of hearing my wife
Say I love you.
The joy of my dogs
As they groan in preparation for bed.
Why is it that all of these things
Mean so much more when they’re gone?
What I wouldn’t give
To experience these things again.
To lay close to my wife
When the house is cold.
To tell my dog to get off the bed
When he’s taking up all the room.
To see a smile upon my wife’s face
When I tell a joke.
To have my wife embrace me yet again
And tell me that I’m a good man.
I love my wife more than life itself,
Yet the feelings are not reciprocated.
Someday I hope to experience
These things with my wife again.
2:37 pm
As I work
My heart is filled with sorrow for what I see.
Houses all around
With families inside.
Children laughing
As they play in the street,
Dogs barking
As a man walks his dog with his wife.
I used to experience
Some of life’s simple pleasures.
The joy of calling a house
A home.
The joy of hearing
Laughter in the park.
The joy of hearing my wife
Say I love you.
The joy of my dogs
As they groan in preparation for bed.
Why is it that all of these things
Mean so much more when they’re gone?
What I wouldn’t give
To experience these things again.
To lay close to my wife
When the house is cold.
To tell my dog to get off the bed
When he’s taking up all the room.
To see a smile upon my wife’s face
When I tell a joke.
To have my wife embrace me yet again
And tell me that I’m a good man.
I love my wife more than life itself,
Yet the feelings are not reciprocated.
Someday I hope to experience
These things with my wife again.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #28
March 11, 2007
10:28 am
I went to Sunday School this morning as I told my wife I would. She told me that she wouldn’t be there, but I went anyhow and saved her a seat next to me. I fulfilled my promise and she painfully fulfilled hers.
Several things resounded to me during the class. The words of a song sang in the class helped me to find refuge.
You are holy You are holy
You are mighty You are mighty
You are worthy You are worthy
Worthy of praise Worthy of praise
I will follow I will follow
I will listen I will listen
I will love You I will love You
All of my days All of my days
I will sing to You are Lord of lords
And worship You are King of kings
The King who You are Mighty God
Is worthy Lord of everything
I will love an, You’re Emmanuel
Adore Him You’re the great I AM
I will bow down You’re the Prince of peace
Before Him Who is the Lamb
I will sing to You’re the Living God
And worship You’re my Saving Grace
The King who You will reign forever
Is worthy You are Ancient of Days
I will love and, You are Alpha, Omega
Adore Him Beginning and End
I will bow down You’re my Savior, Messiah
Before Him Redeemer and Friend
You’re my Prince of Peace
And I will live my life for You
During the message the teacher talked about fruit from the tree. The following passage spoke to me:
“Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”
1.Matthew 7: 17-18
I understand that this passage is talking about being wary of false prophets but it said something more to me today. It is not possible for me to be a man of good character with pure desires and goals unless that is truly who I am. My heart cries with compassion, humility, patience, and understanding; all of which are impossible unless I am a good tree.
I know that in the past I have done some horrible things to my wife, of which I am truly repentant. The teacher then noted the following passage:
“Then he told this parable: ‘A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tee and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”
-Luke 13:6-9
I understand that this passage is talking about spiritual fruit, but it too said something more to me. As I said above I have done some horrible things to my wife in the past, but they are just that… the past. My tree was barren for some time and did not produce anything nourishing or fulfilling. I was a waste of soil! But God renewed my heart and brought me to my knees. He loosened the soil around my roots and provided me with the fertilizer I needed. What once was a dead tree began to flourish and sprout fruit. It began to nourish as it should. This is my life.
Prior to the message I found an old sermon outline in my bible from preaching in Center. The verse studied in that message was:
“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation – if you continue in your faith established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel.”
- Colossians 1:21-23
10:28 am
I went to Sunday School this morning as I told my wife I would. She told me that she wouldn’t be there, but I went anyhow and saved her a seat next to me. I fulfilled my promise and she painfully fulfilled hers.
Several things resounded to me during the class. The words of a song sang in the class helped me to find refuge.
You are holy You are holy
You are mighty You are mighty
You are worthy You are worthy
Worthy of praise Worthy of praise
I will follow I will follow
I will listen I will listen
I will love You I will love You
All of my days All of my days
I will sing to You are Lord of lords
And worship You are King of kings
The King who You are Mighty God
Is worthy Lord of everything
I will love an, You’re Emmanuel
Adore Him You’re the great I AM
I will bow down You’re the Prince of peace
Before Him Who is the Lamb
I will sing to You’re the Living God
And worship You’re my Saving Grace
The King who You will reign forever
Is worthy You are Ancient of Days
I will love and, You are Alpha, Omega
Adore Him Beginning and End
I will bow down You’re my Savior, Messiah
Before Him Redeemer and Friend
You’re my Prince of Peace
And I will live my life for You
During the message the teacher talked about fruit from the tree. The following passage spoke to me:
“Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”
1.Matthew 7: 17-18
I understand that this passage is talking about being wary of false prophets but it said something more to me today. It is not possible for me to be a man of good character with pure desires and goals unless that is truly who I am. My heart cries with compassion, humility, patience, and understanding; all of which are impossible unless I am a good tree.
I know that in the past I have done some horrible things to my wife, of which I am truly repentant. The teacher then noted the following passage:
“Then he told this parable: ‘A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tee and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”
-Luke 13:6-9
I understand that this passage is talking about spiritual fruit, but it too said something more to me. As I said above I have done some horrible things to my wife in the past, but they are just that… the past. My tree was barren for some time and did not produce anything nourishing or fulfilling. I was a waste of soil! But God renewed my heart and brought me to my knees. He loosened the soil around my roots and provided me with the fertilizer I needed. What once was a dead tree began to flourish and sprout fruit. It began to nourish as it should. This is my life.
Prior to the message I found an old sermon outline in my bible from preaching in Center. The verse studied in that message was:
“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation – if you continue in your faith established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel.”
- Colossians 1:21-23
Divorce Journal Entry #29
8:32 pm
I just recently got back from church with J**** and A**** (friends). The message spoke to me as if it was written for me. I wish that Amie would have been with me.
His main points were:
Satan has a plan of attack
1)To lure you from God’s path.
Satan is the ultimate deceiver. He is a liar and will plant thoughts in our minds that lead to wrongful acts.
2)Train you for divorce.
Satan wants us to believe that divorce is an option. That it is a way out. For a Christian, divorce is not an option especially when both parties love each other and agree that they can heal from painful events.
3)Rob you of hope.
Satan will make us start looking at other relationships around us and convince us that other people have it easier. He will cause great events in another couple’s life (having a child, new house, successful careers) to cause us to rethink our commitment and obligation to remain with each other. He will tell us that there is no hope.
Marriage is a covenant, not a contract.
Covenant – the unconditional surrender of your rights while increasing your responsibilities.
Contract – a conditional agreement about your rights and limiting your responsibilities.
In a covenant, two parties become one. There is no 50/50 giving or receiving… it is an agreement that regardless of what happens you will remain one. In a contract, two parties agree to uphold their portion of the deal. Should one party deviate from the agreement the contract allows them a way out.
Christians who experience divorce have allowed the devil to tell them lies. They have given up hope and lost sight of their covenant bond.
This message reaffirmed to me that I should never lose hope. I told Amie that regardless of how she treats me I will never lose hope. The basic premise of Christianity is to have hope.
“May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.”
Psalm 25:21
“For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”
Psalm 37:9
“But now Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.”
Psalm 39:7
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.”
Psalm 62:5
“But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.”
Psalm 71:14
“Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.”
Psalm 119:116
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:12
“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:31
“‘So there is hope for the future’, declares the Lord.”
Jeremiah 31:17
“The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, the one who seeks Him.”
Lamentations 3:25
“Therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope.”
Acts 2:26
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
Romans 5:3-5
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Romans 12:12
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:6-7
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
Hebrews 10:23
“Everyone who has hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.”
1 John 3:3
I will not lose hope.
I just recently got back from church with J**** and A**** (friends). The message spoke to me as if it was written for me. I wish that Amie would have been with me.
His main points were:
Satan has a plan of attack
1)To lure you from God’s path.
Satan is the ultimate deceiver. He is a liar and will plant thoughts in our minds that lead to wrongful acts.
2)Train you for divorce.
Satan wants us to believe that divorce is an option. That it is a way out. For a Christian, divorce is not an option especially when both parties love each other and agree that they can heal from painful events.
3)Rob you of hope.
Satan will make us start looking at other relationships around us and convince us that other people have it easier. He will cause great events in another couple’s life (having a child, new house, successful careers) to cause us to rethink our commitment and obligation to remain with each other. He will tell us that there is no hope.
Marriage is a covenant, not a contract.
Covenant – the unconditional surrender of your rights while increasing your responsibilities.
Contract – a conditional agreement about your rights and limiting your responsibilities.
In a covenant, two parties become one. There is no 50/50 giving or receiving… it is an agreement that regardless of what happens you will remain one. In a contract, two parties agree to uphold their portion of the deal. Should one party deviate from the agreement the contract allows them a way out.
Christians who experience divorce have allowed the devil to tell them lies. They have given up hope and lost sight of their covenant bond.
This message reaffirmed to me that I should never lose hope. I told Amie that regardless of how she treats me I will never lose hope. The basic premise of Christianity is to have hope.
“May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.”
Psalm 25:21
“For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”
Psalm 37:9
“But now Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.”
Psalm 39:7
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.”
Psalm 62:5
“But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.”
Psalm 71:14
“Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.”
Psalm 119:116
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:12
“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:31
“‘So there is hope for the future’, declares the Lord.”
Jeremiah 31:17
“The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, the one who seeks Him.”
Lamentations 3:25
“Therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope.”
Acts 2:26
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
Romans 5:3-5
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Romans 12:12
“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:6-7
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
Hebrews 10:23
“Everyone who has hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.”
1 John 3:3
I will not lose hope.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #27
11:52 pm
Well the show was a great time! Amie and I had great conversation both before and after the show. Though it was fun, it was also rather painful.
On the way home my wife told me that she cannot continue to do things with me. She feels that it is making it harder for both of us and giving me a false sense of hope when in fact there is none to have. She told me that there is no escaping a divorce and she doesn’t want me to have any more pain than necessary.
I explained to her that I could not sleep until I knew that I did absolutely everything I possibly could do to make it work. I don’t want to wake someday and wonder if I didn’t show her that I loved her, make every effort for things to work, or ask myself if I should have handled it any differently. I also wanted her to know that I am absolutely 100% against the divorce, but that it doesn’t matter how badly I want things to work if she is unwilling to try. I want to know that I could not have done anything else to change the outcome of the situation.
She told me that she loves me.
She told me that she will never question whether or not I loved her completely.
She told me that she will never say that I could have done something more to make things work.
I stressed with her that I am 100% against a divorce and willing to do anything to make it work.
I told her that she can have the space she’s asking for now that I know that she will never question her above statements.
I told her that she will have to initiate any contact from now on, but that I am yearning to hear from her. That should she call I will answer, should she write I will write, should she knock I will open the door.
I grabbed most of my clothing and she helped me load it into my car. I then hugged her and melted in her arms. I wanted so desperately to touch her lips one last time. I drove away as she stood in the driveway and watched me disappear.
For the first time since this all began my heart does not feel heavy and burdened. It still feels pain, of course. But she has acknowledged that I have done everything I could do, in the right ways, to make this work.
God provide me with a peace. Help me as I struggle for healing.
Well the show was a great time! Amie and I had great conversation both before and after the show. Though it was fun, it was also rather painful.
On the way home my wife told me that she cannot continue to do things with me. She feels that it is making it harder for both of us and giving me a false sense of hope when in fact there is none to have. She told me that there is no escaping a divorce and she doesn’t want me to have any more pain than necessary.
I explained to her that I could not sleep until I knew that I did absolutely everything I possibly could do to make it work. I don’t want to wake someday and wonder if I didn’t show her that I loved her, make every effort for things to work, or ask myself if I should have handled it any differently. I also wanted her to know that I am absolutely 100% against the divorce, but that it doesn’t matter how badly I want things to work if she is unwilling to try. I want to know that I could not have done anything else to change the outcome of the situation.
She told me that she loves me.
She told me that she will never question whether or not I loved her completely.
She told me that she will never say that I could have done something more to make things work.
I stressed with her that I am 100% against a divorce and willing to do anything to make it work.
I told her that she can have the space she’s asking for now that I know that she will never question her above statements.
I told her that she will have to initiate any contact from now on, but that I am yearning to hear from her. That should she call I will answer, should she write I will write, should she knock I will open the door.
I grabbed most of my clothing and she helped me load it into my car. I then hugged her and melted in her arms. I wanted so desperately to touch her lips one last time. I drove away as she stood in the driveway and watched me disappear.
For the first time since this all began my heart does not feel heavy and burdened. It still feels pain, of course. But she has acknowledged that I have done everything I could do, in the right ways, to make this work.
God provide me with a peace. Help me as I struggle for healing.
Divorce Journal Entry #26
3:34 pm
I’ve been sitting trying to think of something to do with Amie that is totally her. I just found a production that is being performed at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center of The Wiz, a parody of The Wizard of Oz.
Amie agreed to go see the show with me tonight.
I hope and pray that this event will make some of our greatest memories come to life for her.
Our relationship began in December 1999 as she and I sat next to each other at the Quincy Community Theater to watch our drama teacher play the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. Amie and I went to a costume party at Hannibal-LaGrange College in which I dressed as the scarecrow and Amie dressed as Dorothy.
How fitting for us to go to this show!
I have no intentions of talking to Amie about any of my feelings or concerns tonight. I want us to have a good time and hopefully recall some great memories.
I hope that she is receptive to the thought behind the show. May she see that we genuinely have had some great memories and begin to focus on them.
I’ve been sitting trying to think of something to do with Amie that is totally her. I just found a production that is being performed at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center of The Wiz, a parody of The Wizard of Oz.
Amie agreed to go see the show with me tonight.
I hope and pray that this event will make some of our greatest memories come to life for her.
Our relationship began in December 1999 as she and I sat next to each other at the Quincy Community Theater to watch our drama teacher play the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. Amie and I went to a costume party at Hannibal-LaGrange College in which I dressed as the scarecrow and Amie dressed as Dorothy.
How fitting for us to go to this show!
I have no intentions of talking to Amie about any of my feelings or concerns tonight. I want us to have a good time and hopefully recall some great memories.
I hope that she is receptive to the thought behind the show. May she see that we genuinely have had some great memories and begin to focus on them.
Divorce Journal Entry #25
1:32 pm
I just received the following email from the Federal Probation and Parole officer I’ve been talking to about the happenings in *******:
“Please know that I look at myself and wonder who the heck I am to help someone else in such situations, and then other times it seems that I’ve got something to say because I’ve lived so much of it.
Here are some of what I think are truths:
- Amie has already forgiven you for your actions. This is evidenced by the fact that she has stayed with you for so long after knowing of his indiscretions. Amie is running from the actions of a government with the encouragement from third parties.
- You have already atoned for your actions in Amie’s mind and heart. Further attempts to make up for your indiscretions will likely be fruitless.
- It is not possible for you to repair the damage that the government has done in Amie’s life. She will have to come to the conclusion on her own that the government attacked them both, and she will have to do this in her own time and in her own way. It is my opinion that you can help this process only by giving her time and space to come to these conclusions. You will be best served by accepting the fact that she will not do this on your timeline.
Two things that I have learned over the last 13 years doing the job that I do:
1.People change.
2.People change when they are ready to change, not when I am ready for them to.”
I just received the following email from the Federal Probation and Parole officer I’ve been talking to about the happenings in *******:
“Please know that I look at myself and wonder who the heck I am to help someone else in such situations, and then other times it seems that I’ve got something to say because I’ve lived so much of it.
Here are some of what I think are truths:
- Amie has already forgiven you for your actions. This is evidenced by the fact that she has stayed with you for so long after knowing of his indiscretions. Amie is running from the actions of a government with the encouragement from third parties.
- You have already atoned for your actions in Amie’s mind and heart. Further attempts to make up for your indiscretions will likely be fruitless.
- It is not possible for you to repair the damage that the government has done in Amie’s life. She will have to come to the conclusion on her own that the government attacked them both, and she will have to do this in her own time and in her own way. It is my opinion that you can help this process only by giving her time and space to come to these conclusions. You will be best served by accepting the fact that she will not do this on your timeline.
Two things that I have learned over the last 13 years doing the job that I do:
1.People change.
2.People change when they are ready to change, not when I am ready for them to.”
Divorce Journal Entry #24
March 10, 2007
5:06 am
I got home last night at approximately 10:30 pm. It was so hard to discuss the dispersion of our property.
For the first time in a week I truly saw my wife last night. She was calm and collected, yet emotional at times. I just wanted to embrace her so badly without restriction. I wanted to hold her hand, run my thumb across her cheek, rub her knee, or kiss her neck.
She and I had some very good talks. We stared intently into each other’s eyes; trying to feel the other’s pain hidden behind.
I asked some very pointed questions and believe that she was truly honest with me. Some of the answers pulled at my heart and some of the answers destroyed my soul, but she was honest.
She told me that she truly does believe that I’m repentant for what I’ve done in the past. She said that she has given to this relationship for 8 years and just can’t give anymore. She said that she is certain that a divorce is imminent.
I got to my parent’s house emotionally exhausted. I had a sense of peace that we discussed our thoughts, fears, and problems. I remained very soft spoken and kept telling my mother that it’s okay. I am radically against the idea of divorcing my joy. Divorce is not okay, but I appreciate my wife’s honesty and humility more than she knows.
Oh how I wish I had one more day with her. One day to hold her more, write to her, love and cherish her. One more day to plant flowers and walk the dogs. Just one more day to give unselfishly and allow her to receive.
God I don’t believe that a divorce is within your plan, but I’m only half of the equation here. Please work in Amie’s heart to heal and renew her spirit. Cleanse her mind and allow her to cry. Let her see that there truly is beauty to be made from ashes, happiness from sorrow, a solid marriage from a struggling one.
I love my wife.
5:06 am
I got home last night at approximately 10:30 pm. It was so hard to discuss the dispersion of our property.
For the first time in a week I truly saw my wife last night. She was calm and collected, yet emotional at times. I just wanted to embrace her so badly without restriction. I wanted to hold her hand, run my thumb across her cheek, rub her knee, or kiss her neck.
She and I had some very good talks. We stared intently into each other’s eyes; trying to feel the other’s pain hidden behind.
I asked some very pointed questions and believe that she was truly honest with me. Some of the answers pulled at my heart and some of the answers destroyed my soul, but she was honest.
She told me that she truly does believe that I’m repentant for what I’ve done in the past. She said that she has given to this relationship for 8 years and just can’t give anymore. She said that she is certain that a divorce is imminent.
I got to my parent’s house emotionally exhausted. I had a sense of peace that we discussed our thoughts, fears, and problems. I remained very soft spoken and kept telling my mother that it’s okay. I am radically against the idea of divorcing my joy. Divorce is not okay, but I appreciate my wife’s honesty and humility more than she knows.
Oh how I wish I had one more day with her. One day to hold her more, write to her, love and cherish her. One more day to plant flowers and walk the dogs. Just one more day to give unselfishly and allow her to receive.
God I don’t believe that a divorce is within your plan, but I’m only half of the equation here. Please work in Amie’s heart to heal and renew her spirit. Cleanse her mind and allow her to cry. Let her see that there truly is beauty to be made from ashes, happiness from sorrow, a solid marriage from a struggling one.
I love my wife.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #23
3:59 pm
Well, I’m finally dressed and am trying to prepare myself for what may happen.
Is my hopefulness and optimism going to be destroyed over the next couple hours?
Will my wife be receptive to reading my heart?
God I pray that you give me the peace to go through this difficult time. I pray that you provide me with the words to say and the humility to say it. I pray that you protect my heart to any painful words that may be heard. I pray that my love is displayed in every breath that I take. I pray that she will recognize that I yearn to be with her. I pray that you are glorified in my actions tonight.
Well, I’m finally dressed and am trying to prepare myself for what may happen.
Is my hopefulness and optimism going to be destroyed over the next couple hours?
Will my wife be receptive to reading my heart?
God I pray that you give me the peace to go through this difficult time. I pray that you provide me with the words to say and the humility to say it. I pray that you protect my heart to any painful words that may be heard. I pray that my love is displayed in every breath that I take. I pray that she will recognize that I yearn to be with her. I pray that you are glorified in my actions tonight.
Divorce Journal Entry #22
2:29 pm
The more I think of my wife’s love language the more it makes sense to me. Did I fail to say I love you to her? Did I do too little too late?
I don’t believe so.
Despite the pain I’m feeling I have an inner sense of peace. God knows that I love my wife more than anything; that she is and has been my first priority. God knows that I tried immensely to tell my wife that I love her in my language.
Unfortunately it was not communicated as intended. Made perfect sense to me, but how can a man who speaks English effectively communicate with a man who speaks Chinese? Sure they will understand some things, but they cannot communicate as effectively as they would if they learned the language of the other.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit today about this fact.
Amie used to give me cards, write me notes, and cuddle with me. Those acts, too, were not as effectively received as it was generously given. Why? Those things did not speak my languages of love.
At the same time, my wife was also very good about saying I love you in my love languages. She never hesitated to prepare supper, clean around the house, or buy me chocolate milk. She understood my languages, and those acts/gifts spoke volumes to me.
How I wish I had truly known this earlier!
She used to tell me, and I would listen. But it never made more sense to me than it does today.
The more I think of my wife’s love language the more it makes sense to me. Did I fail to say I love you to her? Did I do too little too late?
I don’t believe so.
Despite the pain I’m feeling I have an inner sense of peace. God knows that I love my wife more than anything; that she is and has been my first priority. God knows that I tried immensely to tell my wife that I love her in my language.
Unfortunately it was not communicated as intended. Made perfect sense to me, but how can a man who speaks English effectively communicate with a man who speaks Chinese? Sure they will understand some things, but they cannot communicate as effectively as they would if they learned the language of the other.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit today about this fact.
Amie used to give me cards, write me notes, and cuddle with me. Those acts, too, were not as effectively received as it was generously given. Why? Those things did not speak my languages of love.
At the same time, my wife was also very good about saying I love you in my love languages. She never hesitated to prepare supper, clean around the house, or buy me chocolate milk. She understood my languages, and those acts/gifts spoke volumes to me.
How I wish I had truly known this earlier!
She used to tell me, and I would listen. But it never made more sense to me than it does today.
Divorce Journal Entry #21
12:13 pm
Running away.
I hold in my hand the telephone.
With just a punch of corresponding
numbers I can arrange to run away.
I can fly to Iowa and spend several days with my uncle,
the one man who has experienced my
pain
agony
questions
unknown.
Only he knows my mindset
of watching someone you desperately love
walk away.
I can cry with the Zehrs,
who have already heard my hearts cry.
I can sit in front of my grandparents
and finally tell them everything.
I can sob with my grandfather
as he embraces me and tells me that he loves me.
I can hear my grandmother
as her heart breaks.
Their health is increasingly worse,
but I need to experience their unending support.
I can fly to New York and stay with my sister,
my own blood who I can continue to share my
sadness
tears
anxieties
without fear of rejection.
I can talk with my brother-in-law
and finally embrace his love
from one man to another.
I can smile with Gracie
as she laughs on the floor,
for she is free of
wrongdoing
depression
stain.
All of these things have already been discussed,
but will running away solve anything
or just side-step the pain temporarily?
I hold in my hand the telephone.
Running away.
I hold in my hand the telephone.
With just a punch of corresponding
numbers I can arrange to run away.
I can fly to Iowa and spend several days with my uncle,
the one man who has experienced my
pain
agony
questions
unknown.
Only he knows my mindset
of watching someone you desperately love
walk away.
I can cry with the Zehrs,
who have already heard my hearts cry.
I can sit in front of my grandparents
and finally tell them everything.
I can sob with my grandfather
as he embraces me and tells me that he loves me.
I can hear my grandmother
as her heart breaks.
Their health is increasingly worse,
but I need to experience their unending support.
I can fly to New York and stay with my sister,
my own blood who I can continue to share my
sadness
tears
anxieties
without fear of rejection.
I can talk with my brother-in-law
and finally embrace his love
from one man to another.
I can smile with Gracie
as she laughs on the floor,
for she is free of
wrongdoing
depression
stain.
All of these things have already been discussed,
but will running away solve anything
or just side-step the pain temporarily?
I hold in my hand the telephone.
Divorce Journal Entry #20
8:12 am
I received a couple more emails from my life this morning. This afternoon we are planning on meeting at the house and going through our belongings together. Deep inside this fills me with grief, but I’m gaining an ounce of hope in seeing her. She’s not totally closed to seeing me.
I’m beginning to think that she just might read my journal writings that I mailed to her. Oh God, please nudge her heart.
I truly believe that she still loves me, but that she’s experiencing overwhelming stress and depression… as I am. My soul cries for her to see how much I care for her and love her. I remain optimistic that she will be moved somehow, sometime. Yet, I keep setting myself up for disappointment; only because I deeply love my wife and desire a lifelong journey with her.
God provide me with the words to say. Provide me with a peaceful spirit. May my aroma be of you and your unfailing love. May Amie sense this aroma and know that my body breathes of love for her.
I received a couple more emails from my life this morning. This afternoon we are planning on meeting at the house and going through our belongings together. Deep inside this fills me with grief, but I’m gaining an ounce of hope in seeing her. She’s not totally closed to seeing me.
I’m beginning to think that she just might read my journal writings that I mailed to her. Oh God, please nudge her heart.
I truly believe that she still loves me, but that she’s experiencing overwhelming stress and depression… as I am. My soul cries for her to see how much I care for her and love her. I remain optimistic that she will be moved somehow, sometime. Yet, I keep setting myself up for disappointment; only because I deeply love my wife and desire a lifelong journey with her.
God provide me with the words to say. Provide me with a peaceful spirit. May my aroma be of you and your unfailing love. May Amie sense this aroma and know that my body breathes of love for her.
Divorce Journal Entry #19
4:48 am
Marriage is a rope.
It begins as a single strand.
As the good and bad times come
more strands are added to the previous.
Over time these strands begin to thicken.
They begin to gain strength, structure, and form.
They become a rope.
Though a strong rope exists
it needs care.
It cannot be left amidst the weather,
or loosely thrown on a garage floor.
If it is the rope will begin to fray,
until someday it is unraveled.
The rope also cannot be kept near sharp edges.
To do so would create the risk
of tearing or cutting through it completely.
Either type of damage to the rope
effects its ability to serve its purpose.
Amazingly, that does not have to be the end.
A frayed rope can be re-wound…
with patience.
A torn rope can be re-supported…
with the right tools.
A cut rope can be re-mended…
with a professional’s help.
The rope can be re-crafted to be stronger than ever.
Marriage is a rope.
Marriage is a rope.
It begins as a single strand.
As the good and bad times come
more strands are added to the previous.
Over time these strands begin to thicken.
They begin to gain strength, structure, and form.
They become a rope.
Though a strong rope exists
it needs care.
It cannot be left amidst the weather,
or loosely thrown on a garage floor.
If it is the rope will begin to fray,
until someday it is unraveled.
The rope also cannot be kept near sharp edges.
To do so would create the risk
of tearing or cutting through it completely.
Either type of damage to the rope
effects its ability to serve its purpose.
Amazingly, that does not have to be the end.
A frayed rope can be re-wound…
with patience.
A torn rope can be re-supported…
with the right tools.
A cut rope can be re-mended…
with a professional’s help.
The rope can be re-crafted to be stronger than ever.
Marriage is a rope.
Divorce Journal Entry #18
March 9, 2007
2:52 am
I lie in bed again staring at the ceiling.
My mind accelerates again with no care for rest.
The counselor told me yesterday about the Five Love Languages,
and I cannot seem to get it off my heart.
I must admit I haven’t read the book yet,
but am working on getting a copy.
My wife made a comment a couple days ago
saying that I don’t need to list to her all of the things I do for her.
It finally makes sense to me.
I have been trying to speak to my wife in my language
and although it speaks loud and clear to me
she is not comprehending it for how it’s fully intended.
My wife cannot and does not speak my language,
so why would I expect her to see them
the same way I do?
In my heart the simple acts of service showed that I
admonish
cherish
love
admire
my wife.
In my heart the act of giving showed that I
praised
adored
found allegiance in
respected
my wife.
To my wife, however, they were nice things that were done,
and nothing more.
I want the chance to speak to her in her language.
If I even devoted half of the attention and care
that motivated my language acts
and translated it into her language
it would be huge!
Getting the opportunity, however, requires her to open her heart a little.
Would she view this “eureka” as too late?
Probably, but I must not give up hope.
I must not stop praying.
That someday, somehow I get an opportunity
to speak to my wife in her language.
2:52 am
I lie in bed again staring at the ceiling.
My mind accelerates again with no care for rest.
The counselor told me yesterday about the Five Love Languages,
and I cannot seem to get it off my heart.
I must admit I haven’t read the book yet,
but am working on getting a copy.
My wife made a comment a couple days ago
saying that I don’t need to list to her all of the things I do for her.
It finally makes sense to me.
I have been trying to speak to my wife in my language
and although it speaks loud and clear to me
she is not comprehending it for how it’s fully intended.
My wife cannot and does not speak my language,
so why would I expect her to see them
the same way I do?
In my heart the simple acts of service showed that I
admonish
cherish
love
admire
my wife.
In my heart the act of giving showed that I
praised
adored
found allegiance in
respected
my wife.
To my wife, however, they were nice things that were done,
and nothing more.
I want the chance to speak to her in her language.
If I even devoted half of the attention and care
that motivated my language acts
and translated it into her language
it would be huge!
Getting the opportunity, however, requires her to open her heart a little.
Would she view this “eureka” as too late?
Probably, but I must not give up hope.
I must not stop praying.
That someday, somehow I get an opportunity
to speak to my wife in her language.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #17
9:57 pm
I finally received communication from my wife! I checked my email to find a message inside from her. I opened it up and read it, then ran to my parents like an excited child.
I could tell from reading her message that she was distanced, or reserved. She made no comment about seeing me and did not tell me in any way how she feels about me. Though those things kind of stink, the communication itself is huge.
I have a new found hope that she will read my journal entries. I prayed to God just earlier today that my thoughts, concerns, and fears that are transcribed in my journal would just barely nudge her heart. That she would at least sit down with me and acknowledge that she received them.
That is a start.
I finally received communication from my wife! I checked my email to find a message inside from her. I opened it up and read it, then ran to my parents like an excited child.
I could tell from reading her message that she was distanced, or reserved. She made no comment about seeing me and did not tell me in any way how she feels about me. Though those things kind of stink, the communication itself is huge.
I have a new found hope that she will read my journal entries. I prayed to God just earlier today that my thoughts, concerns, and fears that are transcribed in my journal would just barely nudge her heart. That she would at least sit down with me and acknowledge that she received them.
That is a start.
Divorce Journal Entry #16
5:02 pm
I just spoke with (criminal defense attorney). I informed him of the personal downward spiral that has transpired over the last few days. He extended his empathy and it seemed as though a fire had been lit inside him. He finally sees the level of destruction that this has caused, a level that is potentially irreparable should a divorce take place.
He told me that he expects to enter the courtroom on the 27th with guns blazing. He says that if the DA’s office requests another extension that he is going to push for a dismissal and for the charges to be expunged.
Could this be the relief I so desperately need, or is this just another hope that will inevitably crash?
Why do I no longer care?
A week ago I would have ran to my wife in joyous celebration of his intent, but I hung up and still felt hopeless, empty.
I need to focus on the criminal case. How can I possibly do that when my source of joy is slipping through my fingertips? How am I expected to turn around and walk away while my wife boards a train departing from me?
Several questions run through my mind. Will my wife show up for my preliminary hearing? I would love to know that I still have her support and that she still cares, but if she’s having difficulty already is it healthy for her to be there? At the same time, my heart will further be crushed if she doesn’t show up. Which is the lesser of the two evils?
Will she continue to support me in her own mind and with her own lips, or will she run and begin throwing stones as the enemy has been? Will she begin to slander me or will she remain supportive?
All of these questions leave me feeling empty and unable to focus on the task at hand.
I just spoke with (criminal defense attorney). I informed him of the personal downward spiral that has transpired over the last few days. He extended his empathy and it seemed as though a fire had been lit inside him. He finally sees the level of destruction that this has caused, a level that is potentially irreparable should a divorce take place.
He told me that he expects to enter the courtroom on the 27th with guns blazing. He says that if the DA’s office requests another extension that he is going to push for a dismissal and for the charges to be expunged.
Could this be the relief I so desperately need, or is this just another hope that will inevitably crash?
Why do I no longer care?
A week ago I would have ran to my wife in joyous celebration of his intent, but I hung up and still felt hopeless, empty.
I need to focus on the criminal case. How can I possibly do that when my source of joy is slipping through my fingertips? How am I expected to turn around and walk away while my wife boards a train departing from me?
Several questions run through my mind. Will my wife show up for my preliminary hearing? I would love to know that I still have her support and that she still cares, but if she’s having difficulty already is it healthy for her to be there? At the same time, my heart will further be crushed if she doesn’t show up. Which is the lesser of the two evils?
Will she continue to support me in her own mind and with her own lips, or will she run and begin throwing stones as the enemy has been? Will she begin to slander me or will she remain supportive?
All of these questions leave me feeling empty and unable to focus on the task at hand.
Divorce Journal Entry #15
2:45 pm
I just left the house in Tulsa. I went there to fix the internet problem on the computer so my wife could have access. I also looked for the Five Love Languages book while I was there to no avail.
When I opened the front door and walked in my heart hit he floor. I noticed that every picture of she and me were removed. Not a single one was visible. I also noticed several small boxes on the living room floor and a suitcase.
I walked to the bedroom and opened my drawers, only to find them empty. Every drawer was empty.
I wanted to fall to the floor in tears. It hasn’t even been 48 hours since she told me she wanted a divorce and I’m already out of her sight, out of her mind, out of her life.
I mailed her some journal entries this morning. I’ve had hope all day that she would see my heart and my cries. I hoped that she would call me Friday evening and want to talk. Or even this weekend and just want to talk.
Now I’m beginning to wonder if she will even read it.
I just left the house in Tulsa. I went there to fix the internet problem on the computer so my wife could have access. I also looked for the Five Love Languages book while I was there to no avail.
When I opened the front door and walked in my heart hit he floor. I noticed that every picture of she and me were removed. Not a single one was visible. I also noticed several small boxes on the living room floor and a suitcase.
I walked to the bedroom and opened my drawers, only to find them empty. Every drawer was empty.
I wanted to fall to the floor in tears. It hasn’t even been 48 hours since she told me she wanted a divorce and I’m already out of her sight, out of her mind, out of her life.
I mailed her some journal entries this morning. I’ve had hope all day that she would see my heart and my cries. I hoped that she would call me Friday evening and want to talk. Or even this weekend and just want to talk.
Now I’m beginning to wonder if she will even read it.
Divorce Journal Entry #14
12:13 pm
I just left from talking to a counselor. He asked me what love language my wife is. I told him that I didn’t know the different types of love languages, but could guess a few.
I told him acts of service was one. Gifts was another. Then I stopped.
He told me that the need for physical touch is one. He said that women who possess this language will say things like,
“I wish you would hold me more”
“I wish you would kiss me more”
He then told me that words of affirmation is another.
I instantly looked at him and my eyes opened wide. Until now I had not seen that my wife’s love language was personal touch and words of affirmation.
I have been telling her how much I love her through acts of service and gifts, but it wasn’t the type of language she needed the most.
I asked him how I can show her affection when we’re going through something like this. He very plainly told me that I’m shit outta luck. He encouraged me to continue to share my heart with her through kindness and sincerity. Then, just maybe, she will open the door an ounce where I can begin to focus on her language.
I want to read the book “Five Love Languages”. Maybe this will help me to show her how I feel in her language more completely.
I just left from talking to a counselor. He asked me what love language my wife is. I told him that I didn’t know the different types of love languages, but could guess a few.
I told him acts of service was one. Gifts was another. Then I stopped.
He told me that the need for physical touch is one. He said that women who possess this language will say things like,
“I wish you would hold me more”
“I wish you would kiss me more”
He then told me that words of affirmation is another.
I instantly looked at him and my eyes opened wide. Until now I had not seen that my wife’s love language was personal touch and words of affirmation.
I have been telling her how much I love her through acts of service and gifts, but it wasn’t the type of language she needed the most.
I asked him how I can show her affection when we’re going through something like this. He very plainly told me that I’m shit outta luck. He encouraged me to continue to share my heart with her through kindness and sincerity. Then, just maybe, she will open the door an ounce where I can begin to focus on her language.
I want to read the book “Five Love Languages”. Maybe this will help me to show her how I feel in her language more completely.
Divorce Journal Entry #13
5:15 am
Amie,
I found this information online about your ring. I explained to you on Christmas that I viewed our love as a beautiful product of a painful process. That is why I chose the ring that I chose. I still believe it to be true. I pray that you will once again see the beauty raised from the ashes.
“When an oyster swallows a grain of sand it feels the discomfort, so it begins to ease the pain by applying a coat of nacre. It is during this healing process that it creates a beautiful pearl. This is like life itself. It is easy to love in good times, but it takes courage to love through the discomforts of our lives.
The diamond represents the grain of sand and the pearl evokes an aura of courage, love, and healing. This unique transformation has given birth to the ‘Diamond in a Pearl’, the ultimate expression of love.”
Amie,
I found this information online about your ring. I explained to you on Christmas that I viewed our love as a beautiful product of a painful process. That is why I chose the ring that I chose. I still believe it to be true. I pray that you will once again see the beauty raised from the ashes.
“When an oyster swallows a grain of sand it feels the discomfort, so it begins to ease the pain by applying a coat of nacre. It is during this healing process that it creates a beautiful pearl. This is like life itself. It is easy to love in good times, but it takes courage to love through the discomforts of our lives.
The diamond represents the grain of sand and the pearl evokes an aura of courage, love, and healing. This unique transformation has given birth to the ‘Diamond in a Pearl’, the ultimate expression of love.”
Divorce Journal Entry #12
2:12 am
Love.
A simple word so often misunderstood
or even worse, not properly shared.
To me this word is dual-purposed.
Love to me began in a rachetball room,
where very few nice words were ever exchanged.
I think of a van trip where love could
do nothing but laugh at newspaper-face-man.
Love was a very kind and compassionate one
to see youth lives change through The word of God.
Love was a simple walk in the fog,
losing all bearings on direction;
a dance on the river
with ‘I love you’ inscribed in the snow.
I remember a Simon and Garfunkel cd
that made love smile,
or sitting in the car with no one around but each other
listening to Chicago over-and-over.
I will never forget seeing the lights of Times Square on love’s face,
or having portraits drawn of us
before jumping on a cold subway.
I think of the moment I saw love
breech the double doors and begin the slow walk forward;
she was more beautiful than I’d ever seen before.
The vows were so tender, so sweet.
Despite the grand event, my feeling for love had only begun.
I remember the joy of our first apartment,
nothing elaborate but it was ours.
Love laughed with me as her parents
were on the way over and we discussed the
awkwardness of facing her father that first morning.
Love was a pina-colada on the beach
with no time restrictions, just each other.
I think of the times I visited love at the grocery store
while she slaved to feed the older people wanting lunch.
Love had her own dark red helmet
that would muffle her voice and cover her head
while riding unaware of time and stress.
I remember a prayerful trip into Illinois
as love was receiving a new car…
we still made Survivor that night.
I think of love as we moved into a small Oklahoma space
more commonly known as my parent’s house.
I remember my overwhelming emotion after seeing love
for the first time in weeks when she surprised me.
I remember the outfit love wore at my graduation.
I still can see the proudness in love’s eyes
as I pieced my uniform together for the first times.
Love was a search for a house,
and unknowingly standing across the street from it.
Love was so carefree the first nights of owning our own home.
I recall diligent work that love and I put into our own home.
I remember love’s cries for hating her job,
And the immense joy that came with a teaching opportunity.
I remember helping love move classroom furniture
the first day the doors were unlocked.
Love enjoyed our times of grilling hamburgers and potatoes,
and my endless pursuit to cook a steak correctly.
Love created a safe-haven within our home
for me to cast my cares and worries aside.
I will never forget love standing beside me
through unbearable stress and anxiety.
I wish I had done more for my love during this time.
I remember the first few days at Sarah and Tobi’s,
love and I trying not to intrude.
I recall a very maturing time for love and I.
I remember the willingness that love showed
as we moved back with my parents.
It was so difficult for love and I to become comfortable
in such a small space that we couldn’t call home.
Yet love proved to be just that, love.
I remember the overwhelming joy
love and I shared as we found a beautiful house.
We had finally found our own space again.
I remember the moving party we had
and the argument of where to put the Christmas tree.
I recall the joy that was in love’s eyes
as she opened her Christmas gift that was a
pure expression of my heart.
I laughed with love as the dogs slipped across the floor,
and barked somewhat ferociously at the vacuum cleaner.
I am forever grateful of the time my love stood by me
in our time of stress and anxiety.
Now a great chasm stands between me and my love.
My love is like a bird in a man’s palm.
The man cannot squeeze too tightly or he will crush the bird,
yet he cannot hold it too loosely or it will fly away.
I want to call her, but fear rejection.
I so desperately want to see her, but am afraid of what I’d see.
So I lie here, staring at the ceiling, wondering;
Is my love lost?
Eight years creates volumes of memories.
Some of them are better than others,
but I know that regardless
my wife is my love.
Love.
A simple word so often misunderstood
or even worse, not properly shared.
To me this word is dual-purposed.
Love to me began in a rachetball room,
where very few nice words were ever exchanged.
I think of a van trip where love could
do nothing but laugh at newspaper-face-man.
Love was a very kind and compassionate one
to see youth lives change through The word of God.
Love was a simple walk in the fog,
losing all bearings on direction;
a dance on the river
with ‘I love you’ inscribed in the snow.
I remember a Simon and Garfunkel cd
that made love smile,
or sitting in the car with no one around but each other
listening to Chicago over-and-over.
I will never forget seeing the lights of Times Square on love’s face,
or having portraits drawn of us
before jumping on a cold subway.
I think of the moment I saw love
breech the double doors and begin the slow walk forward;
she was more beautiful than I’d ever seen before.
The vows were so tender, so sweet.
Despite the grand event, my feeling for love had only begun.
I remember the joy of our first apartment,
nothing elaborate but it was ours.
Love laughed with me as her parents
were on the way over and we discussed the
awkwardness of facing her father that first morning.
Love was a pina-colada on the beach
with no time restrictions, just each other.
I think of the times I visited love at the grocery store
while she slaved to feed the older people wanting lunch.
Love had her own dark red helmet
that would muffle her voice and cover her head
while riding unaware of time and stress.
I remember a prayerful trip into Illinois
as love was receiving a new car…
we still made Survivor that night.
I think of love as we moved into a small Oklahoma space
more commonly known as my parent’s house.
I remember my overwhelming emotion after seeing love
for the first time in weeks when she surprised me.
I remember the outfit love wore at my graduation.
I still can see the proudness in love’s eyes
as I pieced my uniform together for the first times.
Love was a search for a house,
and unknowingly standing across the street from it.
Love was so carefree the first nights of owning our own home.
I recall diligent work that love and I put into our own home.
I remember love’s cries for hating her job,
And the immense joy that came with a teaching opportunity.
I remember helping love move classroom furniture
the first day the doors were unlocked.
Love enjoyed our times of grilling hamburgers and potatoes,
and my endless pursuit to cook a steak correctly.
Love created a safe-haven within our home
for me to cast my cares and worries aside.
I will never forget love standing beside me
through unbearable stress and anxiety.
I wish I had done more for my love during this time.
I remember the first few days at Sarah and Tobi’s,
love and I trying not to intrude.
I recall a very maturing time for love and I.
I remember the willingness that love showed
as we moved back with my parents.
It was so difficult for love and I to become comfortable
in such a small space that we couldn’t call home.
Yet love proved to be just that, love.
I remember the overwhelming joy
love and I shared as we found a beautiful house.
We had finally found our own space again.
I remember the moving party we had
and the argument of where to put the Christmas tree.
I recall the joy that was in love’s eyes
as she opened her Christmas gift that was a
pure expression of my heart.
I laughed with love as the dogs slipped across the floor,
and barked somewhat ferociously at the vacuum cleaner.
I am forever grateful of the time my love stood by me
in our time of stress and anxiety.
Now a great chasm stands between me and my love.
My love is like a bird in a man’s palm.
The man cannot squeeze too tightly or he will crush the bird,
yet he cannot hold it too loosely or it will fly away.
I want to call her, but fear rejection.
I so desperately want to see her, but am afraid of what I’d see.
So I lie here, staring at the ceiling, wondering;
Is my love lost?
Eight years creates volumes of memories.
Some of them are better than others,
but I know that regardless
my wife is my love.
Divorce Journal Entry #11
March 8, 2007
12:16 am
2006 was a year from hell. We endured incredible obstacles together. We overcame several moves and pinched every last dollar. We were slandered in the news, persecuted by our neighbors, scrutinized by our friends. But nothing that happened was for naught.
It took these challenges and struggles for me to realize who I had become, both in my marriage and professional life. What once was a soft, sincere man had become a cold, unforgiving core. I neglected my wife’s heart and trod along on my own path. I was hurtful.
But God created the beauty from the ashes. I know that God worked in my life to transform me into a patient, caring, serving person. My wife became the foremost attraction of my day. All I needed was her presence and I had found peace. I performed simple acts of kindness to show her that I loved her. I lifted her up in praise before to strangers as the proud husband I am. She is my joy.
2007 was ushered in and I told myself that it couldn’t possibly be as trying as 2006. I only wish this was the case.
What was previously a disaster had become a trial of fire. I was so proud of my wife for standing toe-to-toe with me against the enemy. She was my number one ally, even though it was painful for her to bear. She is my lifesong.
I tried so diligently to show her how I felt. I don’t regret a single laugh, gift, or act of service. I wanted her to know that I love her.
I spoke with a counselor yesterday. He kept telling me that it doesn’t matter how much I want my marriage to work if my wife isn’t willing to try. What a heart-wrenching truth!
I will patiently wait and struggle to find peace. I will not lose hope that someday she will see how much I care, and care. That someday she will find that I am truly repentant of my acts of poor judgment. That someday she will agree to try professional help with me and allow the wounds to heal. I will guard my heart because she is still my wife and I am still her husband. I love my wife.
12:16 am
2006 was a year from hell. We endured incredible obstacles together. We overcame several moves and pinched every last dollar. We were slandered in the news, persecuted by our neighbors, scrutinized by our friends. But nothing that happened was for naught.
It took these challenges and struggles for me to realize who I had become, both in my marriage and professional life. What once was a soft, sincere man had become a cold, unforgiving core. I neglected my wife’s heart and trod along on my own path. I was hurtful.
But God created the beauty from the ashes. I know that God worked in my life to transform me into a patient, caring, serving person. My wife became the foremost attraction of my day. All I needed was her presence and I had found peace. I performed simple acts of kindness to show her that I loved her. I lifted her up in praise before to strangers as the proud husband I am. She is my joy.
2007 was ushered in and I told myself that it couldn’t possibly be as trying as 2006. I only wish this was the case.
What was previously a disaster had become a trial of fire. I was so proud of my wife for standing toe-to-toe with me against the enemy. She was my number one ally, even though it was painful for her to bear. She is my lifesong.
I tried so diligently to show her how I felt. I don’t regret a single laugh, gift, or act of service. I wanted her to know that I love her.
I spoke with a counselor yesterday. He kept telling me that it doesn’t matter how much I want my marriage to work if my wife isn’t willing to try. What a heart-wrenching truth!
I will patiently wait and struggle to find peace. I will not lose hope that someday she will see how much I care, and care. That someday she will find that I am truly repentant of my acts of poor judgment. That someday she will agree to try professional help with me and allow the wounds to heal. I will guard my heart because she is still my wife and I am still her husband. I love my wife.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #10
9:07 pm
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on my and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord;
for he has been good to me.
Psalm 13
For over a year now this has been my cry. I wanted to in all things have the mindset of David and sing to the Lord.
When times were tough and I was barely staying afloat, I chose to sing. When lies and deceit were spread about me, I chose to sing. When sorrow and anxiety took hold of my feelings, I chose to sing. In handcuffs in front of my father, I chose to sing. When my wife was drowning in the misery caused by the enemy, I chose to sing. In financial distress, I chose to sing.
God you know my heart, my desires, and my passions. You know that what I’m experiencing now is so much worse than anything my enemy has done thus far. It feels like my enemy has finally defeated me. I now lay bleeding, face smashed into the curb, as people walk away; with no one to help carry me any longer.
My promise of victory over my foes is quickly turning into a victory at great cost. I don’t know how I will be able to stand in the end with my head held high. You said, ‘what good is it then if a man gains the whole world, yet loses his soul.’ My soul is bleeding.
I want to continue to sing but it’s so hard. I could endure their previous slander and jabs ten times over before I would feel as torn as I do now. I need your peace.
May your justice reign supreme upon my foes. In the end, with your strength, may I continue to say, I chose to sing.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on my and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord;
for he has been good to me.
Psalm 13
For over a year now this has been my cry. I wanted to in all things have the mindset of David and sing to the Lord.
When times were tough and I was barely staying afloat, I chose to sing. When lies and deceit were spread about me, I chose to sing. When sorrow and anxiety took hold of my feelings, I chose to sing. In handcuffs in front of my father, I chose to sing. When my wife was drowning in the misery caused by the enemy, I chose to sing. In financial distress, I chose to sing.
God you know my heart, my desires, and my passions. You know that what I’m experiencing now is so much worse than anything my enemy has done thus far. It feels like my enemy has finally defeated me. I now lay bleeding, face smashed into the curb, as people walk away; with no one to help carry me any longer.
My promise of victory over my foes is quickly turning into a victory at great cost. I don’t know how I will be able to stand in the end with my head held high. You said, ‘what good is it then if a man gains the whole world, yet loses his soul.’ My soul is bleeding.
I want to continue to sing but it’s so hard. I could endure their previous slander and jabs ten times over before I would feel as torn as I do now. I need your peace.
May your justice reign supreme upon my foes. In the end, with your strength, may I continue to say, I chose to sing.
Divorce Journal Entry #9
8:14 pm
The phrase
someday I will find someone who gives me joy again
instills an innate fear within my soul.
So many questions
Why would someone say this?
It is not like my wife to ever say something like this.
Have I already been emotionally replaced?
My heart would shatter.
Has my wife already found someone that she believes will bring her joy?
My heart aches just thinking about it.
Is the suddenness of her decision based upon a fictitious utopia that she believes exists?
Every marriage will always be a work in progress.
The confusion
Why would I even want to think of someone else?
I am a married man with no desire to find happiness elsewhere.
Can I not be trusted?
My wife is my world, nothing less.
Am I expected to give up so suddenly on my marriage?
I cannot possibly stop loving my wife with all my soul.
The reality
I have found my source of joy.
The thought of finding someone outside of my wife is repulsive.
I am a married man and will guard my heart well beyond being served a divorce.
I will never
stop praying,
lose hope,
forget how beautiful she is to me,
stop loving her,
abandon her.
She has been my guiding beacon of strength in a dark world. I am forever grateful.
She is my life. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.
The phrase
someday I will find someone who gives me joy again
instills an innate fear within my soul.
So many questions
Why would someone say this?
It is not like my wife to ever say something like this.
Have I already been emotionally replaced?
My heart would shatter.
Has my wife already found someone that she believes will bring her joy?
My heart aches just thinking about it.
Is the suddenness of her decision based upon a fictitious utopia that she believes exists?
Every marriage will always be a work in progress.
The confusion
Why would I even want to think of someone else?
I am a married man with no desire to find happiness elsewhere.
Can I not be trusted?
My wife is my world, nothing less.
Am I expected to give up so suddenly on my marriage?
I cannot possibly stop loving my wife with all my soul.
The reality
I have found my source of joy.
The thought of finding someone outside of my wife is repulsive.
I am a married man and will guard my heart well beyond being served a divorce.
I will never
stop praying,
lose hope,
forget how beautiful she is to me,
stop loving her,
abandon her.
She has been my guiding beacon of strength in a dark world. I am forever grateful.
She is my life. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.
Divorce Journal Entry #8
7:27 pm
Adore – to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect
Cherish – to hold or treat as dear
Praise – the act of expressing approval or admiration
Affection – fond attachment, devotion, or love
Allegiance – loyalty or devotion to some person
Fondness – tenderness or affection
Passion – an instance or experience of strong love
Piety – dutiful respect or regard
Tenderness – easily moved to sympathy or compassion
Crush – the object of infatuation
Devotedness – zealous or ardent in attachment, loyalty, or affection
Love – a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
Adore – to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect
Cherish – to hold or treat as dear
Praise – the act of expressing approval or admiration
Affection – fond attachment, devotion, or love
Allegiance – loyalty or devotion to some person
Fondness – tenderness or affection
Passion – an instance or experience of strong love
Piety – dutiful respect or regard
Tenderness – easily moved to sympathy or compassion
Crush – the object of infatuation
Devotedness – zealous or ardent in attachment, loyalty, or affection
Love – a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
Divorce Journal Entry #7
7:01 pm
My time machine
would have no limits to its usage.
It would thrust me into the past
to remove all
stains,
heartache,
depression,
fights,
poor judgment,
stress.
It would provide me with the opportunity
to fill it with
more gut-wrenching laughter,
passionate kisses,
unending closeness,
uncompromised praise.
But the truth is I have no such machine.
Instead I must
praise,
adore,
respect,
cherish,
console
from this day forward.
I desire to learn from the
emotional distance,
passionate void,
missed opportunities,
poor judgment
and become a man of
impeccable character,
sound judgment,
passion,
trust.
This only I can do because I have no such machine.
My time machine
would have no limits to its usage.
It would thrust me into the past
to remove all
stains,
heartache,
depression,
fights,
poor judgment,
stress.
It would provide me with the opportunity
to fill it with
more gut-wrenching laughter,
passionate kisses,
unending closeness,
uncompromised praise.
But the truth is I have no such machine.
Instead I must
praise,
adore,
respect,
cherish,
console
from this day forward.
I desire to learn from the
emotional distance,
passionate void,
missed opportunities,
poor judgment
and become a man of
impeccable character,
sound judgment,
passion,
trust.
This only I can do because I have no such machine.
Divorce Journal Entry #6
4:49 pm
I just received the following as an email from a very good family friend:
“I personally believe that marriage is the union of two souls into one, not unlike the life that is created by the union of ova and sperm. A ‘life together’ is indeed a life that deserves nurturing and support and celebration, just like human life. The unfolding of life in marriage is like the growing-up of a person; there are ups and downs and failures and victories and wrong turns and good choices.
You don’t give up on a child because he fails one class, or breaks her arm in a fight; you don’t give up on a marriage because of an impulsive expression. In my mind, when a person – or a marriage – is sick, an appropriate professional is consulted for healing. For HEALING, because you always rally against Death. And in my mind Divorce is the death of a marriage.”
I just received the following as an email from a very good family friend:
“I personally believe that marriage is the union of two souls into one, not unlike the life that is created by the union of ova and sperm. A ‘life together’ is indeed a life that deserves nurturing and support and celebration, just like human life. The unfolding of life in marriage is like the growing-up of a person; there are ups and downs and failures and victories and wrong turns and good choices.
You don’t give up on a child because he fails one class, or breaks her arm in a fight; you don’t give up on a marriage because of an impulsive expression. In my mind, when a person – or a marriage – is sick, an appropriate professional is consulted for healing. For HEALING, because you always rally against Death. And in my mind Divorce is the death of a marriage.”
Divorce Journal Entry #5
3:39 pm
My heart broke as I heard the words,
I want a divorce.
All of my prayers, my thoughts, my dreams
dashed in that one phrase.
How am I expected to stop loving
someone so suddenly
when every fiber of my being
tells me otherwise?
My confidant,
my number one ally,
my hope for a future,
my wife
pulls away.
My parents acknowledge
that they have no idea
as to the overflow of emotions
I feel.
My sister cries for me
and sobs in protest of that phrase.
Who can I turn to that will understand my pain?
Who will listen to me ramble about the great times
I’ve shared and the immense amount of pain I feel
without burdening them?
I feel lost.
Like a ship without a sail
my course is diverted into the unknown
with no rescue in sight.
I hold onto the hope
that the sun will begin to shine again.
That my wife will return
and be welcomed in my arms with tears of joy.
I refuse to stop singing through this storm
and pray that someday we will
again renew our love and vows for one another.
My heart broke as I heard the words,
I want a divorce.
All of my prayers, my thoughts, my dreams
dashed in that one phrase.
How am I expected to stop loving
someone so suddenly
when every fiber of my being
tells me otherwise?
My confidant,
my number one ally,
my hope for a future,
my wife
pulls away.
My parents acknowledge
that they have no idea
as to the overflow of emotions
I feel.
My sister cries for me
and sobs in protest of that phrase.
Who can I turn to that will understand my pain?
Who will listen to me ramble about the great times
I’ve shared and the immense amount of pain I feel
without burdening them?
I feel lost.
Like a ship without a sail
my course is diverted into the unknown
with no rescue in sight.
I hold onto the hope
that the sun will begin to shine again.
That my wife will return
and be welcomed in my arms with tears of joy.
I refuse to stop singing through this storm
and pray that someday we will
again renew our love and vows for one another.
Divorce Journal Entry #4
7:24 am
Echoes of laughter and joyful screaming filled the park
as we taunted and laughed playing make-shift baseball.
One team was deemed the winner,
but we were all winners and recipients of a good time.
The afternoon was cut short as I was embraced by my father
where in tears he told me, I love you son. Hang in there.
Today all I envision is hostility, pain, tears.
Where has the joy gone so suddenly?
I desire to share more laughter, more screams, more homeruns…
or in this case automatic outs for hitting it over the fence.
I want to smile as my mother runs around the field
as she giggles of excitement for just hitting another great hit.
I want to feel the adrenaline rush of a race home
only to grab a potato and pretend I know what I’m doing.
All of this compromised for a stupid act.
Life is full of up and downs,
yet lately it seems like it’s been full of downs.
How can one event change something so wonderful into something so painful?
My heart cries for forgiveness,
yet those cries feel unanswered.
How can one express their own remorse, guilt, shame
to show it’s genuine and sincere?
How do I share my heart without pushing her further away?
In the past months I have lost nearly all I had to stand on,
but this hurts ten times as much.
Why?
My heart and soul belong to her,
but painfully they are no longer desired.
Echoes of laughter and joyful screaming filled the park
as we taunted and laughed playing make-shift baseball.
One team was deemed the winner,
but we were all winners and recipients of a good time.
The afternoon was cut short as I was embraced by my father
where in tears he told me, I love you son. Hang in there.
Today all I envision is hostility, pain, tears.
Where has the joy gone so suddenly?
I desire to share more laughter, more screams, more homeruns…
or in this case automatic outs for hitting it over the fence.
I want to smile as my mother runs around the field
as she giggles of excitement for just hitting another great hit.
I want to feel the adrenaline rush of a race home
only to grab a potato and pretend I know what I’m doing.
All of this compromised for a stupid act.
Life is full of up and downs,
yet lately it seems like it’s been full of downs.
How can one event change something so wonderful into something so painful?
My heart cries for forgiveness,
yet those cries feel unanswered.
How can one express their own remorse, guilt, shame
to show it’s genuine and sincere?
How do I share my heart without pushing her further away?
In the past months I have lost nearly all I had to stand on,
but this hurts ten times as much.
Why?
My heart and soul belong to her,
but painfully they are no longer desired.
Divorce Journal Entry #3
6:27 am
First in a family of life-timers
shame guides me
fear restricts me
embarrassment takes hold of me
failure has embarked upon me.
How do I seek the
comfort that I need
rest that I crave
acceptance that I yearn for?
I have not
cursed
belittled
badmouthed the source of my pain.
I want to
praise
adore
cherish my source of joy.
How can my source of joy also be my source of pain?
I remain on the fast track to becoming
first in a family of life-timers
and I have no control.
First in a family of life-timers
shame guides me
fear restricts me
embarrassment takes hold of me
failure has embarked upon me.
How do I seek the
comfort that I need
rest that I crave
acceptance that I yearn for?
I have not
cursed
belittled
badmouthed the source of my pain.
I want to
praise
adore
cherish my source of joy.
How can my source of joy also be my source of pain?
I remain on the fast track to becoming
first in a family of life-timers
and I have no control.
Divorce Journal Entry #2
5:21 am
The pain is unbearable
The desire to see light but seeing nothing beyond the darkness
The feeling of emptiness with no sense of relief
Knowing that people care for you but not caring
The need to sleep but no way to rest
My body feels numb, but my heart aches
I want to scream but have no one to listen
The feeling of loving but feeling unloved
My brain is tired yet it continues to run
I want to recover from falling but seem to always get kicked
I want to fight back, but can’t raise my fists
Why does joy elude me?
They say that love bears, overcomes, and endures all things, a painful misconception
My enemies have finally won
The questions are many, but the time is short
How can I move forward when my brakes are locked?
How can I look strong when I want to collapse?
How long will I hurt like this?
How can a wound that can heal through care create gashes that will never stop bleeding?
Why can’t people stop kicking me?
A warmness swept over by endless cold
A bright spring day that clouds and rains
A life of dreams turned upside down
And all I can do is stare at the ceiling
Hoping
Praying
Day-dreaming
that the pain will end.
The pain is unbearable
The desire to see light but seeing nothing beyond the darkness
The feeling of emptiness with no sense of relief
Knowing that people care for you but not caring
The need to sleep but no way to rest
My body feels numb, but my heart aches
I want to scream but have no one to listen
The feeling of loving but feeling unloved
My brain is tired yet it continues to run
I want to recover from falling but seem to always get kicked
I want to fight back, but can’t raise my fists
Why does joy elude me?
They say that love bears, overcomes, and endures all things, a painful misconception
My enemies have finally won
The questions are many, but the time is short
How can I move forward when my brakes are locked?
How can I look strong when I want to collapse?
How long will I hurt like this?
How can a wound that can heal through care create gashes that will never stop bleeding?
Why can’t people stop kicking me?
A warmness swept over by endless cold
A bright spring day that clouds and rains
A life of dreams turned upside down
And all I can do is stare at the ceiling
Hoping
Praying
Day-dreaming
that the pain will end.
Divorce Journal Entry #1
March 7, 2007
3:11 am
Amie,
I lie awake in an unfamiliar bed unable to sleep. I wish that I could set my mind to ease and get a couple hours of sleep, but at this point it seems impossible. For I have too many thoughts, visions, concerns and unanswered questions.
I don’t understand how something so warm and kind, so welcoming and playful, has so suddenly become so cold and stern-faced, so put-off and distanced. Just last week I was cuddled close to you in bed and now I struggle to stay warm alone. What else is there that has happened so suddenly that is creating some of this? I’m confident that had the word of divorce surfaced in any conversation this time last week I would have been knocked silly. What is it that is in your life, your mind, your heart that makes it so easy for you to not even want outside group counseling? Is there another man that you have attached yourself to emotionally that is having some bearing on your decision? Is work becoming so hectic for you that you’re under an even greater amount of stress? If it’s either of these things, or something similar, I can assure you that someday you’ll wake up and realize what you’re doing or have done. I can only hope that it’s not too late for us.
I have, as we both know, not committed 100% to this relationship 100% of the time, but that’s a failure I’ll always regret. Remember the bible study group that met in our living room that evening? Do you remember what I said? In tears I said that I felt horrible because I had done you an injustice for not waking everyday and consciously choosing to love you. That was not for the group; that was for you, with the group as my witness. You see, even before all this mess began I have wanted to be who you needed me to be.
I know that you have been depressed lately. Amie, I want nothing more than to be there for you during this time; to lift your face above water while I, myself, am barely hanging on. It’s said that your deepest and inner-most character is revealed in times of sorrow, despair, and anxiety. I think we would both agree that this past year has been just that. Please don’t give up now. We’ve fought the fight, stayed strong, laughed and cried, and most importantly learned more about ourselves through this. I have gained a new level of understanding love and cherishment through all this... something I might not have ever seen had the past year not happened. I know that the events that have brought our lives to our knees are ultimately the result of poor decisions that I have made, and I will always regret that and be remorseful. But Amie, through this time, I have learned to love you more than I ever could have imagined. That is my true heart, my true character, my true love.
Someone told me that you probably were emotionally divorced long before this week. I’m sure that is the case but Amie I want a chance to make it work. I can’t fix something when I don’t know how badly it is broken. Can you? I’m begging you to please give group counseling a shot with me. It’s so unlike you to not try!
You have said that this is all based upon infidelity. I have never claimed that the single kiss was acceptable; I know that it was wrong. I have been on my face before God asking for forgiveness. I have been emotionally crushed before you asking your forgiveness. I would give anything to go back and rewrite the past, but I can’t. Despite the pain and anxiety that these last few days have caused, I have found peace in believing that I am doing all I possibly can about it. You said Monday night that you needed some separation time to allow that wound to heal. Let’s seek professional help together so that wound can heal.
Amie, a divorce is something that is permanent. Removing a wedding ring is very different from returning a steady’s class ring. It is a time of even greater stress and anxiety. It creates wounds that will forever bleed and never heal. It is a painful time for everyone involved, regardless of how easy it looks for anyone else. I will not fight you for any reason if a divorce is ultimately our fate. I don’t want to argue, bicker, or yell at you. Though my heart is breaking, I do not love you even an ounce less than I did before this week. Instead, I’ve come to realize that love alone is not enough; we need help. We need to put our faith in God, who put us together in the first place, and ask His help in healing our lives. I love you Mrs. Knutson and that will never change.
You have said over the last couple nights that someday I will find someone to bring the joy back into my life. I refuse to think that way because I am not interested in looking elsewhere. My source of joy is the mother of my dogs, my ring-leader, my purpose, my bride. I’m not interested in anything or anyone but you.
I told you the other night that nothing is too big or too radical for me. I am willing to change, adapt, remold myself as necessary for you. You’re my lifesong, my joy, my heartbeat, my wife. Nothing is too big if it’s for you.
You’re my life, my love, and my bride.
3:11 am
Amie,
I lie awake in an unfamiliar bed unable to sleep. I wish that I could set my mind to ease and get a couple hours of sleep, but at this point it seems impossible. For I have too many thoughts, visions, concerns and unanswered questions.
I don’t understand how something so warm and kind, so welcoming and playful, has so suddenly become so cold and stern-faced, so put-off and distanced. Just last week I was cuddled close to you in bed and now I struggle to stay warm alone. What else is there that has happened so suddenly that is creating some of this? I’m confident that had the word of divorce surfaced in any conversation this time last week I would have been knocked silly. What is it that is in your life, your mind, your heart that makes it so easy for you to not even want outside group counseling? Is there another man that you have attached yourself to emotionally that is having some bearing on your decision? Is work becoming so hectic for you that you’re under an even greater amount of stress? If it’s either of these things, or something similar, I can assure you that someday you’ll wake up and realize what you’re doing or have done. I can only hope that it’s not too late for us.
I have, as we both know, not committed 100% to this relationship 100% of the time, but that’s a failure I’ll always regret. Remember the bible study group that met in our living room that evening? Do you remember what I said? In tears I said that I felt horrible because I had done you an injustice for not waking everyday and consciously choosing to love you. That was not for the group; that was for you, with the group as my witness. You see, even before all this mess began I have wanted to be who you needed me to be.
I know that you have been depressed lately. Amie, I want nothing more than to be there for you during this time; to lift your face above water while I, myself, am barely hanging on. It’s said that your deepest and inner-most character is revealed in times of sorrow, despair, and anxiety. I think we would both agree that this past year has been just that. Please don’t give up now. We’ve fought the fight, stayed strong, laughed and cried, and most importantly learned more about ourselves through this. I have gained a new level of understanding love and cherishment through all this... something I might not have ever seen had the past year not happened. I know that the events that have brought our lives to our knees are ultimately the result of poor decisions that I have made, and I will always regret that and be remorseful. But Amie, through this time, I have learned to love you more than I ever could have imagined. That is my true heart, my true character, my true love.
Someone told me that you probably were emotionally divorced long before this week. I’m sure that is the case but Amie I want a chance to make it work. I can’t fix something when I don’t know how badly it is broken. Can you? I’m begging you to please give group counseling a shot with me. It’s so unlike you to not try!
You have said that this is all based upon infidelity. I have never claimed that the single kiss was acceptable; I know that it was wrong. I have been on my face before God asking for forgiveness. I have been emotionally crushed before you asking your forgiveness. I would give anything to go back and rewrite the past, but I can’t. Despite the pain and anxiety that these last few days have caused, I have found peace in believing that I am doing all I possibly can about it. You said Monday night that you needed some separation time to allow that wound to heal. Let’s seek professional help together so that wound can heal.
Amie, a divorce is something that is permanent. Removing a wedding ring is very different from returning a steady’s class ring. It is a time of even greater stress and anxiety. It creates wounds that will forever bleed and never heal. It is a painful time for everyone involved, regardless of how easy it looks for anyone else. I will not fight you for any reason if a divorce is ultimately our fate. I don’t want to argue, bicker, or yell at you. Though my heart is breaking, I do not love you even an ounce less than I did before this week. Instead, I’ve come to realize that love alone is not enough; we need help. We need to put our faith in God, who put us together in the first place, and ask His help in healing our lives. I love you Mrs. Knutson and that will never change.
You have said over the last couple nights that someday I will find someone to bring the joy back into my life. I refuse to think that way because I am not interested in looking elsewhere. My source of joy is the mother of my dogs, my ring-leader, my purpose, my bride. I’m not interested in anything or anyone but you.
I told you the other night that nothing is too big or too radical for me. I am willing to change, adapt, remold myself as necessary for you. You’re my lifesong, my joy, my heartbeat, my wife. Nothing is too big if it’s for you.
You’re my life, my love, and my bride.
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