Deliver Me...

We are to be delivered from our sin.

Not that we might live for ourselves, but that we might come into Christ-likeness.

Our goals should be setup with God's.

For if our nature is unchanged then we eventually find ourselves entangled in the same problems that caused our difficulties in the first place.

Although we may not want to hear this, our spiritual hunger simply is not going to cease until our character in Christ Jesus is formed in our hearts.

The Father's goal of deliverance is much more than simply saving us from our burdens or the Devil taken off our backs.

Indeed, the specific purpose towards which God steers away all things in our lives is the conformity to the image of His son.

The Father's purpose of our salvation was that Jesus would become the firstborn of any brethren.

In otherwords, the way to realize God's ultimate victory is to reach towards His ultimate goal, which is complete transformation into the likeness of Christ.

Victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips.

It is consummated by the nature of Jesus in our heart.

My God...

My God is overwhelming in His mighty power.
He is the Alpha and the Omega,
the First and the Last,
the Beginning and the End.
There is no one like my God.

My God is majestic in Holiness.
He is Awesome in Glory.
He is Infinite.
He is Eternal.
He is Omnipresent and He is Omnipotent.
There is no one like my God.

My God is the King of Righteousness.
He is the King of the Ages,
the King of Glory,
the King of Kings,
and the Lord of Lords.
There is no one like my God.

My God is enduringly strong.
He is entirely simple.
He is eternally steadfast.
There is no one like my God.

My God offers strength for the weak.
His mercy is limitless.
His grace knows no bounds.
His love endures forever.
There is no one like my God.

My God is Incomprehensible.
He's absolutely Invincible.
He's Divinely Irresistible.

When I try to describe Him my words always fall short.

Why?

My God is the Indescribable One.

There is no one like my God.

Peace Amidst A Storm

Written May 15, 2007

Life has been incredibly difficult lately. Approximately 2 1/2 months ago my wife told me that she no longer desired to be married to me. I was totally shocked. All of my dreams, goals, and desires were written around Amie... all dashed in the wind with the simple phrase "I want a divorce."

For weeks I could not smile. I could not laugh. My eyes began to run dry, leaving only red streaks across my cheeks. I love Amie and I always will, but now is a time for restoration.

I am so thankful for my family and friends that have helped to carry me through this tough trial. Without their kind, compassionate, and caring words I would likely still be devastated. They have carried my mat as the four men did the paralytic in Mark 2.

God has provided me with peace amidst the storm. Sometimes He calms the storms in our lives; while other times He calms His child. I am a living testimony to His unending grace and restoration. He has provided me with an incredible support group and has restored my joy.

I may have been a failure as a husband. I may have been a failure as a police officer. I may have failed my family and friends at times. But God has made it clear that I am not a failure in life. I am not a failure in faith. He placed me through the fire and has refined me to be more like Him. What an incredible feeling to have nothing, and still sing to the Lord.

So now, I focus my life and my heart on Him. I am already preparing my heart and my life for another woman. I want to be as pure as possible... and that purity can come only from Him. I hope that someday He will provide me with the desires of my heart; to have a Godly wife and the experience the joy of raising Godly children. If I'm only alotted one shot at marriage I trust that He will provide me the strength to live day-by-day. Only by His direction and timing will I know.

God is good. I am a witness to His unending grace.

Divorce Journal - Final Letter

(After being served divorce papers)
May 10, 2007

Amie,

The past several weeks have been agonizing. A nightmare is probably a good way to put it. Both of our hopes, dreams, and desires smashed in the wind. I’ve told you before and can never stop telling you that I am truly sorry for everything that I’ve done to hurt you or betray you. You remain my source of joy, my heartbeat, my breath of life... but unfortunately no longer my wife.

I have no doubt that I can be the man that you need me to be. I don’t care what I would need to do differently or change. Nothing is too big if it’s for you.

I have checked my phone and email dozens of times daily just hoping that you would take a second to say hello. I can’t express the overwhelming disappointment when I find nothing. Amie, I want to take dance lessons with you, sing with you, run through the rain with you. You are my source of joy.

Every act of love that I have done for you has been enjoyable. Even from the simplest of things from watering your flowers to wrapping your Easter present... it was very soothing to do a loving thing for you. I hope that you recognize or someday recognize the immense amount of love I have for you... and have shown you during this rough time.


What a remarkable feeling to know that I’m marrying my best friend.

Amie you are my best friend. You have held me up in times of distress and sang praises with me in times of gladness. You know everything about me, as a best friend should. You loved me unconditionally and I you. You are a part of my life that cannot be replaced.


Upon our first meeting, one would have been crazy to suggest that we would share this day together.

I can still remember seeing you in our Players class, meeting in the racket ball room. I remember your crazy socks and your interesting choice of clothing... including rainbow toe-socks. I remember attempting to talk to you and you were only polite to me, but nothing more. You weren’t receptive to my advances and shrugged me off.

Then there was the night in Quincy watching The Wizard of Oz. I remember that you were frustrated with some of our classmates for leaving the seat next to you empty. But we began to talk, and you opened up to me. Even then I never would have imagined the impact that you would have on my life.

I remember talking to my great grandmother Trudy the last time I saw her before she died. I showed her a picture of you and told her that someday you would be my wife. What a strange conversation to have, but yet it was true. You became my partner.


Yet, I never could have imagined a love so pure, so sweet.

You have always been uplifting to me. Even during times of distress you showered me with your love. You are a wonderful woman Amie. You are my definition of love.


William Shakespeare expressed this best when he wrote, “Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.”

When I found this quote while writing my vows I knew that it was you. You value traditional literature and its greatest authors. Shakespeare was right. I did not seek love from you necessarily, but stumbled into it. When meeting you in class I had no desire to fall in love with you, but rather to just capture your attention. I just wanted you to look my way and smile. Yet, I received so much more.

The sincerity and genuine nature of your love swept me away. I had no idea that we would have shared so many great moments, laughter, and memories together. What I received in you was far greater than I ever could have dreamed of having.


How wonderful to know that I will share my days with you, as a life without you would in fact be no life at all.

This statement has never rang more true to me that it does today. Without you there has not been any happiness or true sense of joy. As I’ve stated several times before I wish that some of those days could be different. I would wipe away the tears, heartache, and numbness. But we both know that I cannot change those days, only what lies ahead. It’s unfortunate that it’s taken something like this for me to truly realize how many mistakes I made. But I assure you that I’m repentant of those days and will never forget how they hurt you.

You have provided me with the greatest days of my life. I could spend months trying to think of all the great memories that I share with you, and probably a couple of hours trying to think of times of sorrow. The wonderful memories highly outnumber those of distress.

I cannot believe that the person I shared the greatest day of my life with, our wedding, is forcing the worst day of my life upon me, our divorce. I love you more than life itself Amie and would give anything for reconciliation. A life without you just doesn’t seem possible.


I promise to hold you close whenever you should cry, and to life you up before the Giver of strength when you are weak.

I know that I failed at this on more than one occasion. But I hope you see that in the last year and a half I have genuinely tried to do this for you. When you were down I contacted friends and family and had them contact you... to try to help you through. When my mouth was barely above the surface of the water I tried to rescue you when you were drowning. I refused to stop singing.


I promise to laugh whenever you should laugh, to walk in stride with you through this journey of life.

As I stated previously, we share many wonderful memories together. Aside from just memories I always loved hearing you laugh. I could tell endless amounts of stupid jokes and you would always crack a smile, even when you didn’t want to.

As I told you a few weeks ago, I’m sorry that I’ve made you go through so many things in the last year and a half. I’m so sorry that it took those things for me to truly see what I had in you. But I regained my sense of joy in you. I rewrote my dreams and desires for you. I tried to show you that I loved you on a daily basis. I wanted to raise a family with you and continue to walk with you through this journey. I wanted to feel warm sand between my toes while we walked along the beach, and tug on the dog’s leashes as they sniff every lawn.

Life is a journey and you were my partner.


For you are my life, my love, my bride.

Two of the three still remain in my heart even after a divorce.

You have shown me what it means to live. You have given me a purpose and dreams. You are my life.

It’s painful to no longer be your love, yet you remain mine. My soul longs for nothing more than to feel my love reciprocated when you look at me.

You were such a beautiful bride. Every day I loved waking next to you and calling you mine. I wish that I could continue to call you that, but it has been stripped away.


I love you more than anything Amie. You have told me on the phone recently that you didn’t want to spend time with me because you felt that I was fake. Amie, nothing about me is fake. I have rediscovered who I am and have buried who I am not. Only time will prove this to you.

I will remain hopeful that someday we can reunite our dreams, goals, and desires. I love you Amie K. and always will.

Should I never hear from you again, always know that I love you.

-Mike

Divorce Journal Entry #58

April 17, 2007
6:40 pm

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I woke this morning and called a doctor to try to get an appointment today. I scheduled an appointment for this afternoon at 2:30 pm.

I worked this morning to cut down and remove two trees. The entire time I was there I was listening to the music on my phone. Some of the songs were very soothing while others made my mind race back to Amie. This morning I downloaded the song from church last night “How To Save A Life”. I listened to this song over and over and found peace. Each time I heard it I thought of all of my friends who I’ve told of my struggles and scary thoughts. I am so thankful for them and their unconditional love. They have not judged me but rather have prayed for me, told me that they love me, reassured me of my worth, and hugged me. Personal touch has spoken more to me than any words and those who are able to have extended their hands.

After working I got cleaned up to go see the doctor. My nerves were on edge; afraid of what the doctor might say or do with me. I left the house and headed into Tulsa with several hours before my appointment.

I went to a guitar store and must have looked like I had no clue. I met a salesman there. I told him that I have never played an instrument, besides the spoons, but that I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. I told him about what has happened recently and how I believe in the power of music. I made it clear to him that I was there spontaneously seeking a therapeutic activity.

He showed me around the store and asked me what type of guitar I wanted. I told him that I wanted either an acoustic or an acoustic-electric guitar. He showed me several of the beginner guitars. He had me sit on a stool and brought the guitars to me. He showed me the basic positioning and told me that only I can decide which guitar feels the best to me. It was so nice to have someone just tell me to be still and then help me. Inside I was smiling finally.

He gave me a crash course in posture, hand positioning, and strokes. He taught me a few keys and we then began to talk. After several minutes of just talking he told me to show him those keys again... and I did it! What a remarkable feeling!

I purchased a guitar and he threw in the hard case, tuner, strap, and beginner’s book. It felt so great to walk out of the store carrying the case and putting it in the truck. The smell of the leather case was so warm. I then headed to the hospital in Sapulpa for my appointment.

I got to the hospital and grabbed my guitar case. The salesman told me that where I go the guitar goes. He explained the need for it to be away from extreme temperatures, moisture, etc. So I took it inside the hospital with me. Let’s just say I had some extremely strange glances. I walked through the door in the office, walked straight to the window, and set the case down in order to sign-in and fill out the paperwork.

After several minutes the nurse came and got me out of the lobby. I grabbed my case and walked inside. She laughed and asked me if I was there to see the doctor or to serenade her. I laughed and told her that she doesn’t want me to even try to play cause I have no idea what I’m doing yet.

She led me into the room where I sat down the case and then sat on the examination table. She asked me what was going on. I took a deep breath and started at the beginning with losing my job. I told her everything and how it was effecting me. I told her about my dream Saturday morning. I fought tears the entire time, but finally broke down. She leaned forward and gave me a hug and said that it was okay... that they would help me.

She was in her mid 30's. She told me that five years ago her husband died of a heart attack in her arms. She told me that she grieved for a few years afterwards. She told me that she would swing from anger to happiness, sadness to joyfulness at the drop of a dime. She told me that she finally got to a point where she was able to place her feelings into a separate memory bank and file it in her memory... but that she continued to find life.

She told me that someday I would do the same thing, but that my feelings and emotions were normal reactions. She affirmed my belief that everyone has their breaking point where they finally need medical help. She told me that I’m not crazy or abnormal, but human... just like everyone else. She told me that when I was ready that I would be happy with who I am again and would find life again. She then told me that I am a “gorgeous man”. I laughed and said, “even though I’m just skin and bones?” She laughed and said that most women would find me extremely attractive and would “fatten me up” in due time.

I hate the thought of considering any other woman besides my wife. I have said since our separation that I find it repulsive to think of another woman... and I do. It sickens me. But the words that she said to me were so kind. I needed that affirmation of who I am.

She then opened the door to the examining room and left, leaving the door open. She came back a few moments later and shut the door. I then heard her outside of the room talking to another nurse. They were talking about how I was “gorgeous”. Thank you God for giving me that boost in my confidence.

The doctor came in shortly thereafter. I told him everything from the beginning. I told him about the thoughts I had been having and about my dream. I was so afraid of what he would say to me. But, he told me that I was human and having a normal reaction. I told him that I was seeing a Christian counselor but that I felt that I needed medical help as well. He listened to me longer than any doctor I’ve ever seen before. He then prescribed me two medications... one to take the edge off and the other to help me rest with a clear mind.

Before leaving the doctor told me that I would be getting a shot. Now I must admit, I don’t like shots. The nurse from earlier came in and I asked her where she would be administering the shot. She said “in your best place.” I laughed and said, “my arm?” She told me to bend over and without any soothing words, preparation, or even a countdown stuck me in the rear. I almost jumped over the table! She told me that the shot would help my system not go into shock upon taking the medication for the first few times. That it would prep my system for what was to come.
I felt like I was gonna puke after the shot but left. I met up with Jamie and Angie at the park in Sapulpa and played frisbee with Jamie for a few minutes. I proudly showed off my new guitar.

After returning to the house I grabbed the beginner’s book and sat down to begin learning. My mother came upstairs and saw what I was doing. She came in and sat down and began to teach me about musical notes and chords. God thank you that my family is recognizing my pain and giving me their time and attention that I so desperately need.

I’m thrilled to have an unchartered hobby that I can work on. As soon as I can read the music and know what to do with my left hand I want to learn the song from church last night that I’ve listened to dozens of times.

I’m worried about taking my first bit of medication here within the next hour. Then it will be chased with the second prescription. Anti-depressants work most of the time, but sometimes throw people into an even greater depression. I’m so scared of sinking any lower. I don’t feel like I can handle being any lower. God please let this ease my pain.

God thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for the few times that I smiled today. Thank you for the kind and compassionate words of some people today. Thank you so much for my friends who have acted as the four men that lowered their friend to Jesus in Mark 2. They have been an incredible support group. Bless them as they have blessed me. Touch my wife. I love her so much. God please give me a refreshing trip to New York. Please clear my mind of all my distress and let me leave it in Oklahoma.

Divorce Journal Entry #57

April 16, 2007
6:51 am

I saw Amie last night for 56 minutes. I hadn’t seen her in nearly two and a half weeks. She looked so beautiful. I found peace for that 56 minutes that I was with her. We filled the time with small talk. Before I left I told her that I would be returning to New York in June and made a comment that she would be out of school by that time; implying that she could join me on my return trip. She then replied, “it won’t happen Mike.” Why do I continue to make statements or ask her questions that I know will hurt me? Hope.

Church last night was incredible. LifeChurch is having a series that they’re calling MixTape. They are taking modern secular songs and using the lyrics and words to teach a scriptural message. Last night I felt the touch of God.

The title of the message last night was “Saving a Life” based upon the a song by The Frey titled “How To Save A Life.” The song indirectly deals with us reaching out to those we know who are hurting and intervening before they do something that cannot be reversed. I cannot stop watching the message on the internet at LifeChurch.tv.

They lyrics to the song are very powerful.

That pastor told a personal story about a friend of his that he grew up with. He said that one day he and this friend got into an argument and split ways. He said that they didn’t talk for two months, then one day God laid his friend on his heart. He felt that he needed to contact his friend. He decided that after church, then dinner, then family time he would call his friend. That night, after doing all of those things as he called his friend’s wife answered the phone. She said that she had just gotten home to find him dead in the house. He had killed himself.

The scripture associated with the message last night was Mark 2:1-12. It is the story of the four friends that lower the paralytic through the roof to get to Jesus. He talked about the loyalty of those friends and their determination to save their friend.

I am so thankful for those people who are close to me that know these thoughts and feelings that I’m having.

I have spent some time talking with Andrew about the dreams and thoughts that I’ve been having. He has been so caring for me and tells me how much he loves me. He told me that he has shared my issues with Alyse and I can feel her prayers.

I have spent time talking with Tobi about the dreams and thoughts. Tobi has been broken on the phone upon hearing these things. He has been quick to answer the phone and uplift me at every opportunity. Sarah knows as well. She told me last night that she is praying for me so much. They, too, tell me in every conversation how much they love me.

I talked to Jamie and Angie last night about these dreams and thoughts. They offered encouragement and kind words. Angie told me last night that I was on her heart all week because she just doesn’t know how much more I can take. They hug me every time they see me. They, also, tell me that they love me.

What a great group of people that I call friends. They don’t view me as crazy but rather as a believer who is struggling. They offer their prayers, kind words, and presence. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.

I wish I could tell Amie how I’m feeling. I fear that she would think I’m crazy or become angry with me. I love her and very literally have believed my vow... a life without her is in fact no life at all.

God please forgive me of all of my stains, impurities, and wrongdoing. Heal me of my unrighteousness. Then God please heal me of my mind. You healed the paralytic first of his sin then of his crippling disease. Deliver me O God.

Divorce Journal Entry #56

10:26 am

This morning church was difficult. The message was on love.

“You are my hiding place
You will always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You.”

I want to be strong in this time of weakness.

We talked about the difference between the types of love. We specifically, as God’s children, are to be filled with agape love, or unconditional love. The question then was posed, how do we love the unloved and the unlovable. The first thought that entered my mind was that I am the unloved.

I know that my family loves me. I know that God loves me. But the love that I crave the most, the love from my wife, I don’t feel. I desire to feel her unconditional and restoring love. I want her to wake each day and chose to love me again. I felt very lonely in that room surrounded by young parents, couples, and pregnant women. How can they understand my feelings and hurt? They cannot.

I said a few journals earlier that I have already forgiven my wife of her past mistakes and failures. I have already forgiven her of what I believe to be unintentional emotional damage that she has caused me. I have already forgiven her of anything that she has, can, or will do to me today and tomorrow. I will always forgive my wife and love my wife, regardless of the magnitude of the wrongdoing. I love her unconditionally.

I will fight for my wife’s love until the gloves are stripped from my hands. I will stand in this darkness praying for a glimmer of sunshine until my legs give way. I will desire my wife and my wife alone until God replaces that desire. I will love my wife forever and will never falter.

I have said in the recent past that everyone has a breaking point. Fortunately I have not seen mine yet. But I fear that it is on the horizon. God please restore the peace and joy that only you can restore. Bless me, your child, who seeks your healing touch. God I know that divorce hurts you. Help Amie to see the restoration that you can provide to our marriage. Thank you for your mercy and your grace.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”

Divorce Journal Entry #55

April 15, 2007
6:27 am

I heard from Amie last night after I finished my last journal. We talked for 24 minutes. Although it was difficult to talk to her, for 24 minutes I had peace. The phone rang and I saw who it was. My heart skipped a beat and I nervously answered the phone. I want so desperately to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid that I won’t hear from her again for days if I tell her. I think that I kept talking so long because I was afraid to hang up... afraid to not hear her again for several days.

I asked her if I could see her before I left. She was silent for several seconds. It was hard for me to hear her hesitation, but she finally told me that I could come by the house after church for a few minutes. I’m so nervous to see her.

I went to sleep last night only to have another restless night of sleep. I woke several times because I was nervous about what to say to her and how to act. I want so badly to get on my knees before her and tell her that I’m sorry for what I’d done. I want to ask her to give our marriage a chance because I know that it can work. Again, not because she wants me to be somebody, but because I want to be the man that she needs. I want to tell her about how much money I’ve saved and tell her that I want to start afresh with her in St. Louis. I want to leave all of our bad memories and pain in Oklahoma and be renewed. I want to remarry my wife, burying the past. I want to tell her that I will forever meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs... and never hurt her again. I’m afraid, however, that talking to her about it might push her further away. So I will be prayerful today as to how I’m supposed to act and what I’m supposed to say.

I woke early this morning after having a nightmare. In my nightmare I found myself in a dark building that resembled a barn. There were what appeared to be animal corpses hung in various places from the rafters. I then saw a dark dreary figure. My mind then raced with several scary images of myself. I called out in my dream to the figure and asked him who he was. The figure then howled “Suicide”.

I woke in panic and began to pray. I hate having such thoughts and dreams, but they are becoming more frequent. How much more repentant can I be of what I’ve done to her that I’m having such thoughts? God please heal me. Remind me of your unconditional love and unending grace. May my marriage exemplify those same attributes. May Amie chose to love as she vowed rather than judge. I love my wife.

I’m going to begin to be fervent at tithing starting today. I’ve never been real consistent on giving God part of my financial life. I know that God requires it from us, but it’s scary to give when there are so many unknowns in my life right now and not much to give. God please grant me a generous and unwavering heart. May I give with a joyful spirit.

I have decided to fast today. I have never fasted in the past, but want to spend the day deep in thought and prayer. I want to know what to say and how to be tonight in front of Amie. I want to learn your truths God and find your peace and healing. Touch me today.

Divorce Journal Entry #54

8:05 pm

This afternoon was very difficult for me. After writing my last entry I took a nap. I find myself sleeping in times of stagnation. I hope to pass whatever time and wake to hear the phone ringing or receive an email from Amie. Again, nothing.

My folks sent me to Blockbuster to rent a couple of movies for tonight. On the way there I broke into tears. I picked up a couple of movies and while standing in the checkout line I called Tobi. I told him that today was a very difficult day for me. I told him that I was starting to have scary thoughts again. I told him that I was considering going to Lauriette, a mental health hospital in Tulsa. Tobi broke down... finally understanding the magnitude of my pain.

I drove back to the house and tried to call Andrew. I sent him two text messages to call me, but haven’t heard from him. I was going to ask him to drive me to Lauriette. I also knew that he could stop by the house and get my insurance information from Amie if it was needed. I still have yet to hear from him.

When I got to the house I called Lauriette. I spoke with a receptionist who took my name and phone number. She assured me that a therapist would contact me within a few minutes.

After a few minutes the phone rang and I spoke with a woman. She asked me what was going on and I told her everything that was happening and how it made me feel. She asked me very pointed questions, more specifically relating to suicide. I told her that I am more and more frequently having such thoughts, but that I don’t think I’m brave enough to actually hurt myself. She told me that the only way I could see a doctor with their agency over the weekend would be to admit myself into their custody. Doing so would require me to be in their care for 72 hours, thus missing my flight to New York. She did not think that would be necessary but mentioned that it is possible if I feel that my thoughts might lead to action.

She gave me several phone numbers of various urgent care facilities. I called and spoke with COPES, a crisis intervention agency for Tulsa County. I remember working with COPES on several occasions as a police officer when I would come into contact with someone with intentions on hurting themselves. I spoke with a woman there for a few minutes who again asked me very pointed questions. Before hanging up she recommended that I obtain my insurance information and call my family doctor on Monday. She said that he would likely prescribe anti-depressants that would help to take the edge off.

After getting off the phone I went downstairs to talk briefly with my mother. I cannot tell her the thoughts I’ve been having as it would devastate her further. She and my father love Amie so much and are broken about what is going on. My grandparents too love her deeply and have offered their love and support for me whatever should happen. I did talk with my mother though about seeing our family doctor and getting some medication. She began to cry.

I took some pictures of Amie off the refrigerator after telling my mother. I also found some pictures of our wedding rehearsal and ceremony in my Bible this afternoon after trying to find peace in the words of God. My mother also found pictures of Amie that were taken in Iowa when visiting my grandparents in the past. I placed those pictures in a drawer in my bedroom so that I would not see them any more. I also took the pictures that Amie had taken off the wall at the house and put them back into the box and set it in the garage. This is not symbolic of me giving up or trying to move on with life. Rather, I think it’s necessary as the more I think of her the more it hurts me.

It is not healthy for me to continue to see pictures of her when my depression seems to overwhelm me at times. I still hold onto hope that our marriage can be resurrected, but I’m afraid of my own mind. I desire for my love to be reciprocated from her. That is what would heal my heart and allow for my wounds to stop bleeding. Without that, peace doesn’t seem possible.

I have been thinking this evening about other therapeutic activities that I can do. I have thoroughly enjoyed painting and plan to continue painting. Music is powerful. I think I’m going to look into buying an inexpensive guitar and try to learn how to play. I don’t think I have any sense of rhythm, but then again I never thought of myself as creative either.

As I sit here a song just came over the speakers that is very fitting. It is Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)”.

I sent the CD with that song on it to Amie for Easter. I heard the song before purchasing it and felt that it described my feelings for her. Amazingly, it soothes my soul in times without her.

I cannot give up. I cannot lose faith. I cannot lose hope. I cannot lose love. I love my wife so much.

“... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
- Romans 5:3-5

Divorce Journal Entry #53

1:51 pm

Yesterday I left flowers at the house for Amie. I sent her an email that said that I’d love to see her this weekend before I leave for New York. I asked her to call me and let me know if it would be possible. I still have yet to hear from her. So I sit here in front of the computer spinning my wedding ring that rests on my finger.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of bleeding emotionally. I’m tired of the disappointment of not hearing from her. I’m tired of loving, yet feeling unloved by the one who vowed to love me. I’m tired of trying to resuscitate a relationship that has died against my will. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m so tired of not feeling desired. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the weight that I literally feel on my heart. I’m tired of joy eluding me. I’m tired of walking through hell. I’m tired of the pain.

How ironic that my source of joy is also the source of my pain.

God please save me from my pain. How long must I live in this darkness? How long O Lord must I have sorrow in my heart. I beg for a chance with my wife but it seems that it’s falling on deaf ears. How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? Bring light to my eyes God or I will live in darkness. I’m dying inside. I’m so tired.

Happiness. Is it just a pursuit or can someone actually attain happiness? Why does it seem to elude me. Peace. Is it something that is only available to the unstained? Why can’t I sleep a single night without restlessness? Joy. Is true joy impossible? Why can’t I smile without the thought that I’m merely covering up my pain? Love. Is it only hurtful? How can love cause so much pain?

God your word says that love bears all things and endures all things. It says that it keeps no record of wrongs. Why does this strike me right now as a painful misconception? Why doesn’t my relationship with my wife personify those attributes? My love is hurting me beyond measure.

God I want to sing, but my voice is hoarse. I want to raise my hands, but I don’t have the strength. I want to fall on my face, but know that I can’t get up. I want to come home God. Deliver me from the darkness that I call life.

Bring light to my eyes O God. Hold me in your precious arms. Whisper in my ears words of affirmation and peace. May I experience true happiness, peace, joy, and love that only You can provide. Please work a miracle in my life and in my relationship with my wife.

I love my wife, but she deserves better than me.

Divorce Journal Entry #52

April 14, 2007
9:28 am

In my quiet time this morning I read a passage from 1 Timothy. It talked about one of the fears that I’ve had since Amie told me that she wants a divorce.

It mentions that pastors and deacons are to be men of but one wife. I have been afraid since she told me of what my options are now concerning working in missions with children. Does this mean that I cannot serve with a missions board or have any endorsement from a religious agency? I know that it is talking specifically about leaders within a church, but the last I checked Baptist mission boards will not allow for a divorced person to be endorsed by their agency.

This scares me because it again further narrows who I can become. I can no longer work in law enforcement, and I’m okay with that. But the only other thing that I truly believe I could be happy doing would be in some sort of missions organizations with children.

This further enforces my need to do everything possible to attain reconciliation with my wife.

I’ve also been thinking this morning about something that Amie told me in the recent past. She told me that even after a divorce that she wants to remain friends. I just don’t know if it’s possible.

I know that she has been hurt in the past. I know that the thought of a divorce must be painful for her. But she hasn’t seen what I’ve gone through. She doesn’t know, or refuses to see, how devastating this has been to me. My confidence has been dealt a blow. The feelings of insecurity have consumed my soul. The pain has been indescribable. There is an immeasurable amount of psychological and emotional damage that has been done.

When I try to talk to her about how I’m doing I feel like it’s being shrugged off or ignored. That deepens the pain and insecurities.

Amie is my best friend and has been for nearly eight years. No one else has captured my heart and my soul like she has. Yet, I don’t know if I can be the common cliche of a “friend” if a divorce is finalized. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife more than anything, but I have been crushed.

If she should decide to “try” I will still have these wounds, but I believe that the bleeding would stop. I will show her that I desire to be the man that she needs in a husband... and I will be that man. Not because she wants me to be it, but because I want to be that person for her.

She has also told me in the recent past that someday I will find someone else. For weeks I found this statement repulsive. Now it is not only repulsive to me but seems an impossibility. For six weeks I have not dreamed or thought of any other woman besides my wife. She consumes my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams... all day every day. I know that someday she won’t be all I think about, but I cannot fathom experiencing all of the hurt, pain, insecurities, and lack of confidence that I’ve recently experienced ever again. I’m scared of the possibility of ever experiencing this again. So I honestly believe that I will remain single without Amie. I’ve never really been single at any rememberable point in my life. But the fear of experiencing this again greatly supercedes any desire for companionship. Statistics prove that once someone is divorced the probability of finding a lasting relationship ever again greatly declines... further strengthening my fear and insecurity. She told me over a year and a half ago that if our marriage didn’t work she would remain single for the rest of her life. She has not made that statement recently, but now I can affirmatively say that I believe it for my own life.

I will forever love my wife. I will forever hope that we can reunite our hopes, dreams, and desires and be together again. Should she force a divorce upon me I will still hope to call her my wife again someday. But there is an immense amount of psychological and emotional bleeding that will need to stop, scab, and scar over. I refuse to lose hope.

I love my wife. She is beautiful to me.

Divorce Journal Entry #51

9:24 pm

I was sitting at the computer listening to music while looking through documents and pictures on the computer.

It occurred to me that nearly every picture I have includes Amie. Though I love the memories that I share with her, my heart is filled with sadness.

If she should continue to walk away from me how long will it take for me to make new pictures and make new happy memories? Will I forever go through Easter with sorrow in my heart? Will I ever be able to look at my family and not wish for the same happiness that my sister and parents share?

I told Andrew the other day that should a divorce happen I cannot continue to work with him or be around him. It’s not his fault but every time I look at him I see Alyse, thus causing me to see Amie. If she walks away I cannot continue to experience the roller coaster of emotions but must begin to care for my own emotional and physical health.

I also told him to keep me accountable should Amie give our relationship a chance. I don’t want to be someone for a short time then resort back to someone else. I want to be who she needs in a husband 100% of the time, for the rest of our lives. I told him that I never want to pick up another cigarette or cigar, ever. I told him that I want him to make sure Amie and I are in church. I told him to make sure that I’m tithing and praying with and for Amie. He promised to keep me accountable for these things.

I asked Andrew the other day some questions about how I was feeling. I asked him if he thought it was weird that I don’t think I could ever sleep in the same bed and mattress that Amie and I shared ever again without her. He told me that one of our friends from high school, John, experienced the same exact feeling when his wife left him. He slept on the couch for months before finally getting a new bed. I cannot possibly sleep in it again without her. I am afraid to smell her body wash, find a hair, or touch what she has laid on. I will never sleep in that bed again without her beside me.

I find it odd that I don’t feel this way about any other furniture or belongings. This includes the brown couch, where she and I shared our last physically intimate moment... aside from holding her as we both fell asleep two nights in a row just within the last week I was in the house with her.

I desire to make new pictures with Amie. I desire to fill my mind and my heart with new memories of us. I desire to forever gaze into her eyes. I desire to someday see her in my children. I love her so much and miss her uncontrollably at times.

Since I’ve lived with my parents I’ve seen their joy. I’ve seen their love for one another. I’ve seen their service toward each other. I’ve heard them whispering to each other before they fall asleep. I desire the same with my wife.

I have also seen my father and mother both be cold towards each other at times. I’ve heard them say hurtful things to one another. It’s amazing how these things are so clear to me when they happen. I have told my father and mother both on several occasions not to treat the other like that. When my father complains about my mother’s persistence about a chore, I’ve told him to be proud that she loves him. When my mother complains about my father not doing the chore, I’ve told her to be proud that he loves her.

I have learned so many lessons since separating with Amie. I have learned how a seemingly innocent comment can be detrimental to one’s feelings. I have learned the power of praise and adoration.

My mother has made comments in the past about regrets. She made those statements in anger for something about my father. I have seen that despite their periods of anger they truly love one another. They don’t walk away from problems, but confront them. They truly love one another.

I wish that Amie would confront our issues together with me, rather than walk away from them. Yes I have wronged her, and I will forever be repentant and remorseful for those things. A few days ago I was having thought after thought of hurting myself. How much more repentant can I be if I’m considering such scary actions? I wish that she would see my heart... see my repentance.

I love my wife. Nothing can or ever will change that.

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
-Ephesians 5:28

Divorce Journal Entry #50

April 13, 2007
3:17 pm

I went to the house this morning to grab a few things and my suitcase for my New York trip. It was hard driving down the street and entering the house. It was almost foreign to me.

I gathered the couple of things that I needed and then learned that I have no florist skills. I left eight dozen roses in the house again today. This makes for a total of 29 dozen roses that I’ve left or sent to her since our separation. I also left her some Reeses peanut butter cups because I know that she loves them. It doesn’t exactly help her dieting program, but hopefully it will make her feel a little better after her dentist nightmare. All I want is for her to smile when she sees what I left her.

She should be getting home around this time. I hope that acts like this do not anger her or push her away. I hope that she sees that I do things like this because I love her very much.

I know that acts like this alone will not fix the issues with our relationship. I only hope that it makes her smile and see how much I love her. I pray that she sees what she has in me and sees my intense desire to be who she needs me to be.

I have refused to close the “Be Nice to Amie” account. I don’t want to in any way give up hope that our relationship can be restored. Instead, I have continued to deposit money into that account. I hope to be able to bless her in the future with it.

I talked to someone a couple of weeks ago and told them that I am still holding on to hope that we can indeed have a miracle marriage. The person looked at me and told me, “well don’t bet on it.” I know that this person didn’t mean any harm, but it really upset me. I know that they are trying to protect my emotions and help me to move past what has happened. I have begun to emotionally prepare myself as much as I can for what she’s pushing for. Should that day come it won’t matter how much I’ve thought about it or tried to prepare myself for it... I will be crushed. My heart will officially be broken.

So I do the best I can to prepare myself should that day come. I still have hope because it’s important that I maintain faith, hope, and love. All three of these characteristics are vital for Christian growth and maturity.

I’m convinced that no amount of preparation will keep my head up if I have to sign finalization papers. But it’s a possibility; one I fear. On the other hand, if Amie told me that she was willing to try I wouldn’t have to prepare for my reaction. I can only imagine the immense weight lifted from my shoulders and the relief of the burden that I physically feel on my heart. I can only imagine that those words would fill me with an indescribable joy... one which would grant me a smile and tears simultaneously. How I long to experience hearing those words from her.

In the meantime, I prepare myself for what would be the worst day of my life... just in case.

I don’t care what she has done in the past. I don’t care about any wrongdoings that she has ever done to me. I don’t care what thoughts, feelings, dreams, or actions she may have had for another man. I don’t care about the enormous pain that has been caused by the last six weeks. I don’t care that I haven’t seen her for two weeks. I don’t care about the disappointments in checking my computer and phone for some communication from her and hearing nothing. I don’t care about any of those things... I care about my wife.

I have already forgiven her for past and future heartache and mistakes. Love is unconditional and unwavering. It always protects, always endures. It does not keep records of wrongs, but forgives them and works through them. It forces us to look deep into a person’s soul and find the person that we love... even when we are unlovable.

Love is a choice. I do not chose to be the judge and her the felon, but rather I chose to be a restorer. I chose to love her regardless of whether it’s reciprocated or not. Despite comments that some people have made about her in the last six weeks, she is my love. She is my life. She is my heartbeat. She is my breath of life. She is my wife, and I her husband. It’s not about those other people, but rather her and me.

When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she is excited, I am excited. When she is sick, I am sick. When she sings, I sing. When she dances, I dance. Despite the physical separation, we remain under the same stars, under the same covenant, under the same God. She and I are one.

I miss her terribly. I want to walk the dogs with her and feel them tug on the leash. I want to take her with me on my return trip to New York in June and see Hairspray with her. I want to turn with her in the middle of Times Square again. I want to go on day hikes with her. I want to hear her high-pitched scream as she plays with the dogs upon returning home from work. I want to hear her laugh and see the smile upon her face when I tell a stupid joke. I want to feel her small hand in mine again and cherish every moment of it. I want to hold her close to me as we watch our favorite shows together. I want to run my hand across her face while staring in her eyes. I want to feel the soft and passionate moisture of her lips against mine. I want to hear her stories about school and rejoice with her in her accomplishments. I want to pray with her and attend church with her. I want to learn to tithe as instructed with her. I want to surprise her with a picnic after church. I want to take photographs with her. I want to warm her side of the bed when the mattress is frigidly cold. I want to kiss her first thing in the morning even with morning breath and not flinch an ounce. I want to take dance lessons with her. I want to sing a duet with her. I want to be intimate with my wife, and not only in a sexual way but in a deeper more pure use of quality time. I want to kiss her neck again. I want to nibble on her ears again. I want to make love with my wife again. I want to go home to be with her and never leave her.

I miss seeing her knotted hair in the morning. I miss hearing her get ready for work. I miss preparing meals with her and sometimes for her. I miss her running her hands across my arms and telling me that I’m strong, despite my self-conscious feelings about my size. I miss her making jokes about my hairy butt. I miss her making fun of my sloth toe-nails. I miss her asking me what I want for dinner and having no idea. I miss being excited about her tacos and nachos combo. I miss looking into her eyes and seeing my future. I miss her ray of sunshine amidst the darkness in my life. I miss everything about my wife.

I love my wife so much. I desire nothing more than to get a chance to feel love reciprocated from her. I know that she is hesitant to believe that it can work, but I know it can. I know I can love her more than I ever have. I know that I can listen like I’ve never listened. I know that I can pray for and with her. I know that I can speak her languages. I know that I can be who she needs me to be. I know that I can be the pillar of strength that she needs in a husband. I know that I can do these things... not because she wants these things, but because I want to be them for her.

I desire to help my wife heal from my wrongdoings. I desire to regain and maintain the security of our relationship. I desire to sell our unwanted or unneeded possessions and start over. I desire to break the lease on the house with her. I desire to move with her to St. Louis. I desire to start anew. I desire to renew my vows with my wife. I desire to love her like she’s never been loved. I desire to write her a letter every day for the rest of our lives. I desire to sit and talk with her, uninterrupted, every day. I desire to grow old with her. I desire to die with her.

God please touch her. Let her hear you telling her how much I love and care for her. Plant within her a desire to try. God I know that with you nothing is impossible. You are the miracle-worker, the life-giver. Help her to see that our marriage can be resurrected and never return to its former life. May we find wholeness with you together and renew our love and vows for each other. Thank you for the beautiful picture of your marriage with the church, your bride. May we experience the same union that is only available through you.

I love Amie.

Divorce Journal Entry #49

April 12, 2007
8:15 pm

I got my new phone in the mail yesterday. I loaded it with music that I used today while mowing. It was nice to not sit in silence with only my thoughts while the mower chugs away. Even with the distraction of the music and the mower I still constantly thought about Amie. I wonder what she’s doing. I wonder if she even slightly misses me.

I received an email from her this morning. She told me thank you for the painting and told me about her horrific experience at the dentist.

I want so badly to care for her right now. I want to make her meals, help her around the house, and take care of the dogs. I want to lighten her load so that she can relax as she’s experiencing the pain and sensitivity of the dental work.

I want to run my fingers through her hair as she lays her head across my lap. I want to scratch her back and set her at ease. I want to give her a massage and focus on her physical needs. I want to serve my wife.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the house to grab my suitcase for my trip to New York. I wonder if she’s mowed. The weather forecast is predicting rain all day tomorrow but if I wake early enough I might be able to beat the rain and mow for her.

I want to clean the house for her. Even though I haven’t seen her for nearly two weeks I want to unravel the cord on the vacuum cleaner and run it through the house for her. I want to dust, clean the stove, clean the white spots off of the mirrors. All of these things I want to do for her, but I’m afraid of going too far.

The counselor that I saw on Tuesday morning made an interesting statement. He told me that Amie is likely responding in one of three different ways to my letters, painting, mosaic, and words. One - She thinks I’m stalking her. Two - She is angered by the fact that I can’t just walk away from her. Three - She sees how much I love her and it could be making a positive impact.

I’m not sure which of these responses is most accurate. I’m sure the first one isn’t an issue, but believe that she could be angered by what I’m doing for her. She’s told me in the recent past not to spend any money on her, yet I continue. Love makes us sacrifice what we have, or in my case, what we don’t have for the benefit of the other. It took me three weeks to order a new phone at $40 for myself but dropping resources on twelve dozen roses comes so easily. I also have hope that these things are making a positive impact on her. I want nothing more than to be with her, and pray that she is beginning to feel the same about me.

In my letter that I mailed earlier this week I mentioned that I know our marriage could be a miracle marriage if she would just try. I know that I can meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. It seems silly that I can so affirmatively make this statement, but when I want nothing more than to be the man she needs it only makes sense that I would do anything and everything necessary to become that person. Thus, I know our marriage could be a testimony of God’s unfailing grace and mercy. But she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.

I sent a letter with the painting that I gave her. In it I made a statement that I would never hurt her again. I love her beyond belief and would rather die than put her through suffering, pain, or anguish ever again. I love her. I, again, can boldly say that I will never hurt her again. Again, she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.

Since she told me that she wanted a divorce I have thought at great length of what I will do should that time come. Even to the end, should it come, I will fight tooth and nail for our marriage. I will show her how much I love her, even if she’s unwilling to recognize it. Someday she will recount that I was kind, gentle, and loving to her throughout our separation and final divorce decree; should it come to that. I refused to be angry at her, bitter about the timing, or retaliatory... as most divorces are. I refused to give up and walk away as she seems to want me to do. I refused to be anything but caring and loving for her. May she see me for who I truly am.

It pains me to think of the possibility of an end to my marriage with her. I love Amie more than life itself. I cannot possibly imagine a life without her. I pray that she feels the same.

Divorce Journal Entry #48

April 11, 2007
6:24 pm

Today was a better day. I read 1 Corinthians 13:13 which talks about Faith, Hope, and Love. This is my guiding beacon in the darkness without Amie.

Amie told me in the recent past that she doesn’t want to give me a false sense of hope about our relationship. I made it clear that she cannot rob me of my hope. I have still have hope.

Through everything that has happened in the last five weeks I have tried to make every act for Amie an act of love. I love her more than anything and am acting upon that love when I speak with her or do something for her. I still have love.

I have learned who I really am through everything that has happened. I have faith in God not only for my salvation, but for healing, peace, and comfort. I have faith that God can work a miracle in my marriage. I have faith.

If I have these three things, how can I fail at life? I have failed in my marriage at times. I have failed employers at times. I have failed my family and closest friends at times. But in life I am not a failure, but rather a beautiful picture of God’s saving grace.

Andrew took Amie my painting tonight. I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I hope that she likes it and doesn’t destroy it. I pray that she sees the time and effort that was put into it. I hope that it is ever clearer to her how much she means to me. She is my life. I cannot imagine a life without her.

I love my wife.

Divorce Journal Entry #47

April 10, 2007
9:20 pm

Today was not a bad day.

I woke early and worked on the painting for Amie for about an hour before I got cleaned up and went and saw a counselor within the church. I spent two hours talking to him. It was nice to cry and share my heart with a listening ear.

Afterwards I was determined to finish my painting for Amie. This was my third painting, and by far the most difficult. Creating the text was tough, but the pinstriping was probably the hardest. Overall I’m very pleased with how it turned out. I hope that she sees the love and time that it took to make it for her.

Tonight I attended a Bible study group in midtown Tulsa, at a LifeChurch member’s house. We discussed the book of Ruth. There were several things about that story that I had never seen before that resounded to me.

We began discussing Naomi’s response when she returned to her home land. She says that God has cursed her and asked to be called by a name that means “bitter”. Some of the people in the group questioned Naomi’s heart for the Lord, but I totally understood her cries. The actual Hebrew word used by Naomi means that God has “done evil” to her. I can understand and relate to having that same thought and feeling within the last month at one time or another. She saw no reason to have hope and her world was filled with darkness.

She does, however, later in the book praise the Lord for what Boaz is doing. She finally saw a ray of sunshine in her dark world. Her heart wasn’t in the wrong place, she was human. She had difficulty accepting the circumstances behind her losses but was quick to praise the Lord at the first glimmer of hope.

And how amazing is it that Ruth, a woman who seemed to have no reason to find hope, became part of the lineage that ultimately brought hope to the world.

What a great picture of how we come to God and lie at His feet to be accepted and redeemed... just as Boaz redeemed Ruth.

In my darkness I know that there is light and hope somewhere. May God redeem me and help me to find healing in a cancerous world.

Divorce Journal Entry #46

April 7, 2007
5:56 am

I abandoned the journal for awhile as I’ve found therapy in several other activities. But I have some thoughts that I wanted to collect.

I’ve spent the last several hours deep in the valley in terms of the roller coaster of emotions I’m experiencing. I truly feel unloved by my wife... and it hurts.

My in-laws are at my house as we speak. They’ve been there for just over a day so far. Andrew dropped me off from mowing yesterday and went to my house to visit with them. Amie, of course, is there. I told Andrew to enjoy my house sarcastically while inside I was crying out. I didn’t ask for this separation, but instead have been outspoken against it. I continue to do acts of love for Amie, but feel ignored. I want so badly to hear her say that she loves me but every time I check my email or phone, nothing. Yet they all sit at my house, watching my tv, sitting on my couch, playing cards on my table. They laugh as they play games, tell jokes, and have meals together; while I sit in the dark with a hood over my head from the cold.

She told me a few weeks ago that her family didn’t even want her to marry me. She may have intended no harm, but that statement hurt me. Does she think that my family was excited about me marrying her? Don’t get me wrong, my family loves her to death, but they didn’t support my decision either. But I left my family to join in union with her. Every time I was having issues with Amie my parents would immediately tell me to go be with her and work things out. They didn’t care who was right and who was wrong. It was about me and my wife... no one else. They recognized the need for me to patch my relationship with her and not walk away. Yet, I feel as if I am not receiving the same courtesy from her family. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t heard a word from them; despite sending a birthday package and them being in town. I love her family regardless of how they feel towards me or what they do to me.

Does she not see that I love her, or does she not care? I’m not sure which is worse. She has said that she needed me to be more repentant in the past for what I’d done. She’s talked about Jamin and how he fell on his face before Christy in repentance. I truly was and am sorry for what I’ve done to Amie. I know that I should have shown more repentance in the past, but does she not see that I’m broken for what I’ve done to her? Does she care? I will admit that I should have been more sympathetic and repentant in the past about what happened, but I believe it is more important that I have come to her and cried before her in remorse... even if it was months later. I haven’t shrugged it off, but rather have shown deep sorrow and regret for my past actions. Can she not see that or is she just angry at me? I pray that she sees my repentant heart, forgives me, and allows me to help her heal... instead of just walking away from me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired of working so hard just to make a dollar. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of loving but not feeling loved. I’m tired of not hearing from my wife. I’m tired of my wife not desiring me. I’m tired of feeling crushed inside. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of crying. At times I’m tired of breathing.

I told a counselor last week that I’m too chicken to hurt myself. While I believe this to be true, I just want my pain to stop. This weekend my mind has been flooded with thoughts of hurting myself, which scares me. I want to feel recognized, loved, and desired by Amie... that’s all.

She’s told me in the recent past that when our marriage was in trouble she told herself that she would make the marriage work or die trying. I’m extremely proud that she stood strong then, but what about today? Can’t she see that I love her immensely, yet she turns a cold shoulder and gives up. It doesn’t make any sense to me... no matter how hard I try.

Well, I guess now I’m seeing it from her perspective. I’m going to continue to do everything I can to show her how much I love her and make this marriage work, or die trying.

Divorce Journal Entry #45

March 23, 2007
6:51 am

Well I woke up again this morning alone. It’s not getting any easier for me. Last night at about 1 a.m. a storm rolled through. The dogs woke me up as they both jumped on the bed afraid of the thunder. Twix cuddled next to me on my right while Snickers cuddled on my left. As nice as it was to cuddle with both of my dogs, it wasn’t a complete feeling. I missed my wife.

I have noticed myself doing some strange behaviors that may be deemed as normal for grievers. As I said in a previous journal I find myself talking to her when she’s not here. I turn on lights in dark rooms just hoping to see her inside asleep. Every time I look in the garage or at the driveway my mind tricks me into believing that I see her car. All of these things, of course are in my mind. I have been sleeping on her side of the bed this week. I want to feel close to Amie, to smell her hair and her body wash. I cannot discount my feelings and believe these actions to be normal considering that I’m grieving.

I desire nothing more than for Amie to reciprocate my love; for her to give me the chance to speak in her languages and see where God takes our relationship. Should our relationship fail after that, then I cannot question her desire should she continue to desire a divorce.

If I have one piece of advice for her I would tell her to follow her heart. Yes, she has told her family that she’s seeking a divorce. Yes, she has talked to the landlord about breaking the lease. Yes, she has applied for teaching positions in St. Louis. Yes, she has seen a divorce attorney. And yes, we have discussed eliminating our debts. Even though all of those things have been done it is never too late to work on our relationship. I pray that if she even barely believes that it could work that she would give it a shot. Don’t deny your heart, but rather follow it.

A man or woman who fails to follow their heart will not find rest. The mind is a powerful thing and can make us believe things that aren’t completely accurate. If she has a shred of a belief that things could work I pray that she sees what lies behind that shred.

My selfishness would like for me to believe that she knows it could work, but that she’s just tired. Running away will not bring rest, but rather turmoil… even if peace seems to exist. Don’t deny your heart.

My hope is small, but it is not diminished. My wife told me that she doesn’t want me to have a false hope in something that has no hope. The one thing that she cannot and will not rob me of is hope. I will continue to hope and pray that we can find rest together, forever together. I will never lose hope.

I love you Amie K. Nothing can or ever will change that. You are my source of joy, my lifesong, my life. I will forever love you.

Divorce Journal Entry #44

8:52 pm

Another day is over. Living life from day-to-day is very difficult. It seems that each evening I’m relieved to have made it through another day. Just over two weeks without my wife has gone by, and each day has been a struggle. The thought of living the rest of my life without her seems impossible.

I talked to her today for 14 minutes. She sounded like herself again, not distant at all. We talked about the dogs and how things are going for her in St. Louis. How I wish I could be there with her, or her here with me. She didn’t tell me that she loved me again today; making the third consecutive time. As much as it stings not to hear her say those words, just to hear her voice is soothing.

I have been thinking at great length about the night she and I went to see The Wiz. During the evening her eyes began to fill with tears approximately 10 or so times. Was she tearing up because she still has feelings for me? Did she push me away from her in order to not have those conflicting feelings?

It makes sense to me that she would remove all of the pictures so she wouldn’t have to face any images of me, as it would make a divorce harder. But if she still has feelings why would she deny them and continue to pursue a divorce? I fear that someday she will realize how much I really did love her and she will question her decision. I think this primarily because she hasn’t been open to trying to make it work any longer. I could understand that if she gave it every effort she had just once more that she could live with a clear conscience for the rest of her life. I say once more because she has made it clear that she has tried for the last couple of years to make it work. However, as I stated in my first journal entry, I couldn’t fix something that I didn’t notice was broken. So now that I know it has problems or is broken, can she walk away with a clear conscience knowing that I am doing everything I can to make it work? This is just one of several questions that I have.

I am desperately trying to give her the space that she has requested. Someone told me the other day that the fat lady hasn’t sang yet, and for me to push things upon Amie is like shoving the fat lady onto the stage. So I am struggling to give her the space that she has asked. Yet at the same time, if I just walk away from her and let her file without making any effort I could not rest in peace about this situation for the rest of my life. As the authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook stated, a divorce is an incomplete relationship for the person who is walked away from. In order for them to recover from their grief they must seek completeness in that relationship. Thus, my actions and words of love towards her now not only help me to hold onto an ounce of hope, but it should help me in the future to find completeness should she continue to walk away. So my reasons for showing her love are multi-faceted.

Amie told me approximately a week ago that she has given up her dreams, desires, and goals for our relationship. The interesting thing is that she doesn’t have to abandon those things for our relationship. I am fully willing and prepared to seek her dreams, desires, and hopes as my own. She has expressed great interest in teaching in St. Louis. Should she give our relationship just one more shot I would love to pack up and move with her. The situation is not an either/or situation. It’s not EITHER her dreams, goals, and desires OR me. Amie’s dreams are my dreams. Her desires are my desires. Her goals are my goals. I hope that she sees that she can have her cake and eat it too, because that’s exactly what I’m wanting to do. I want to help provide my wife with the happiness that she deserves.

She may not have seen it before, but when Amie experienced an emotion I experienced it with her. When she was doubting her ability to sing, my heart broke and tried to restore that within her. When she would laugh, my soul would laugh. When she would cry, my heart would break and cry with her. Amie is not just a part of my life, she is my life.

I have noticed within the last few days how much more specific my prayers have been. Before I was praying that God would soften her heart, provide me with wisdom, and heal my broken emotions. The closer I get to God the more I am beginning to ask for specific things. I am now praying that God would not only soften her heart, but that he would give her an innate desire to give our relationship a chance. That she would someday want things to work and be willing to give it a chance.

I finished reading The Five Love Languages this morning and remember reading story after story about marriages that were terminal, but God restored their marriage. It doesn’t make sense to me how if there’s a chance for God to work a miracle in our relationship why she’s not willing to even try. I mentioned in a previous journal entry that a divorce creates a gash that will forever bleed and never fully heal. Why is she so adamant about a divorce when the chance exists? Only she and God fully understand her thoughts and heart. If I need to I will pray for years to come that God will break my wife’s heart and bring her back to me.

I finished the mosaic today. It took me approximately 25 hours to complete, but it was worth every minute. Not only did it serve as a sort of therapy for me, but it was a very peaceful and relaxing thing to do. For those 25 hours I can honestly say that I was thinking about nothing but my wife, and loving her even though she wasn’t present to receive my love. It provided me with a constant thought and prayer for my wife and for 25 hours. It wasn’t easy for me to make it, because I’ve never done a mosaic before… much more a tile mosaic. But it was worth every minute, even if she sees it and shrugs it off.

I love Amie. If all of these acts of love do nothing more for her, I pray that she sees how much I love her. William Shakespeare once said, “love sought is good, but given unsought is better.” Amie is a love that was unsought. She is my life, my love, my bride. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.

I love you so much Amie. Sleep well tonight and I hope to hear from you tomorrow.

Divorce Journal Entry #43

March 22, 2007
7:51 am

I love Amie. Nothing can or ever will change that. Yet another empty house that I find myself seeing her in, but she’s not here.

This morning I was reading The Five Love Languages. There is another familiar story that seems to be very similar to Amie and me on pages 141 – 145. Dr. Chapman closes that section by saying, “can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.” I love my wife and I believe that I’m beginning to speak her language.

After being confronted by a woman who asked him if it’s possible to love someone you hate, Dr. Chapman then talks somewhat about his difficult past with his wife on page 148.

“We reflected on the early days of our own marriage and remembered that we had often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What makes the difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love. We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning, we would destroy our marriage.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 148

Is Amie filled with anger and resentment? If so, I pray that God gives me the knowledge and strength to help her through this. The thought of my wife experiencing those emotions towards me hurts.

Dr. Chapman then says on page 151, “when the [emotional] tank is low… we have no love feelings towards our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.” I pray that Amie can forgive me for not speaking her language all this time. It only made sense to me that acts of service and gifts would speak as highly to her as it did to me. Dr. Chapman has stated throughout this book that this is a common misconception among marriages. I love my wife and long to show her in her language. I believe this can fill her tank and allow our marriage to grow.

“Certainly we do not have warm feelings for people who hate us. That would be abnormal, but we can do loving acts for them. That is simply a choice. We hope that such loving acts will have a positive effect upon their attitudes and behavior and treatment. But at least we have chosen to do something positive for them.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 156

I’m not saying that Amie hates me. Only she knows what feelings she has when she looks at me. But even though she is not seeking healing in this relationship, I will continue to do loving acts for her. I pray that she sees my deep love for her and responds just a bit. I pray that this shower of love fills her love tank just enough that she responds lovingly. If that is the case I will spend time everyday speaking her language and filling her tank. If she should not respond to my love, I pray that someday she sees how much I truly care.

In closing his book on page 174, Dr. Chapman makes one last statement that stood out to me. He says, “when the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.”

May God soften Amie’s heart and give her a peace concerning our relationship. May she see that things can and will be different; that I truly desire to meet her needs. I love Amie, my wife and friend.

Divorce Journal Entry #42

March 21, 2007
9:49 pm

Wow, what a day. I worked my butt off today to make a few dollars. It’s so hard to think that I’m doing this just to make ends meet right now. I don’t mind working hard at all, but to think that every dollar is vitally important sucks.

I meant to write this morning, but was busy trying to get things together for the long day ahead.

This morning while reading The Five Love Languages I was floored to see some of the author’s statements. I found them profoundly similar to my story.

“How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, ‘I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.’ I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 129

This sounds very familiar to what Amie told me on our wedding day.

“But as I stand here now, I vow to love you through it all. Love is a choice. It is not just a feeling or emotion. Day after day, it is a conscious choice. I vow to love you for the rest of my life. I vow to wake up every morning and consciously choose to love you that day. When life is chugging away, careers are in full force, kids are screaming and the house is in dire need of a good cleaning, I vow to remember our love.”

Amie had things figured out. She knew that love was a conscious choice, just as the author states. But where does that stand for her today? Has she forgotten that her love is a conscious choice or has she refused to care? Has she taken the roll of judge as the author presents on page 46?

On the following page the author makes another fitting statement.

“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 130

“Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 132

This is what I want to provide to Amie, and have no doubt that I can provide it abundantly. Why is she so closed to allowing me the chance? She says it’s too little too late, but nothing is too little or too late when it comes to love. She can choose to allow me the chance to fill her love tank, and I pray that she does.

Dr. Chapman tells a story in pages 130 – 135 that was very much alike my situation with my wife, with a few minor exceptions. That couple worked through it… why can’t we? He says at the end of the story that “the key to the rebirth of their marriage was discovering each other’s primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently.” I am convinced that should Amie chose forgiveness we can and will be reborn just the same.

He continues by saying that “when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.” The act of quality time by listening, taking walks, playing Frisbee, or planting flowers doesn’t come naturally to me, but I want to do these things for my wife. Providing words of affirmation is not natural for me, but I want to work on it and uplift her through those. Personal touch, as she clearly knows, is not easy for me, yet I want to speak that language to her. Those are her needs and I desperately want the chance to provide them to her and watch our marriage heal and blossom.

“The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does our emotions return, and our love tank begins to fill.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 136

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
1)Ephesians 5:28

Divorce Journal Entry #41

8:31 pm

All day long I’ve yearned to talk to my wife. I finally had a reason to contact her, so I called.

It was so soothing to hear her voice again. I can listen to those voicemails all I want, but the interaction of actually talking to her gives me an indescribable joy. I miss my wife.

Earlier today I was at my parent’s house doing some work for them. I told my mother how desperately I miss my wife. She asked me if it was Amie that I missed or companionship. I promptly answered “Amie”.

Loneliness doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t bother me. Being without Amie scares me. That bothers me. She is my source of joy; definition of love. Without joy and love I’m scared.

Yesterday I mowed the yard and removed limbs. I raked around the fence line and filled 19 trash bags full of leaves. I didn’t think it would have been nearly that many. Yet, after realizing what I got myself into I never thought twice about completing it. Nothing is too big if it’s for my wife.

I planted some flowers for her today. I’m not sure that it’s the type of flowers that she would like or the colors that she would chose, but nonetheless it’s the thought. I felt like a blind man playing poker when trying to dig the holes, but I think it turned out nicely. I can only hope that this act of love fills her tank an ounce.

I have had a few people ask me why I’ve put so much time into the mosaic or why I keep doing things for her. They don’t seem to understand how in a situation that would seemingly have no hope, why I continue to hope. Why I continue to labor over these acts of service for her.

The answer to the above question is multi-faceted. First, I love my wife. Secondly, it keeps me thinking of how much I love her. Third, it seems to be good therapy for me in dealing with the current situation. Fourth, any chance I have to fill her tank an ounce I’m going to take. Fifth, I don’t ever want to question if I could have done anything more to fix this marriage. And lastly, should a divorce happen I believe that it will help me to find completion in an incomplete relationship.

The bottom line is that I love Amie more than anything. That’s why she’s the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thought I have when I finally find rest. She is a part of me; a part that is not easily dismissed.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”
1)Jeremiah 33:6

Divorce Journal Entry #40

March 20, 2007
7:00 am

Last night was yet again another restless night. I woke up this morning wanting my wife so badly to come home. The word “miss” doesn’t hardly seem accurate.

I sat and began to read from The Five Love Languages. A couple statements stood out to me.

“Many of us are like Patrick. We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 63

Reading this made me remember the day that my wife broke her glasses. She was devastated. She was not only upset for breaking them, but was afraid that we couldn’t afford to purchase new glasses for her. I remember looking at her analytically, not sympathetically. I offered a solution, not condolence.

I know that the above example seems rather small, but that’s what she wanted me to do with her. After allowing her to vent her frustrations, then she would seek a solution. I only offered a solution.

“One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first major league baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh, yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 71

The above statement made me think of memories that Amie and I have shared together. Below is a short list:
Walking through the fog while in college
Dancing on a frozen river and writing “I love you” in the snow
Working with kids at Center Baptist Church
Going to the grocery store and seeing my wife wearing a hairnet in the deli
Riding the motorcycle with my her
The joy of our first place together
A comedy theater and dinner in Chicago
Racing to the car while running through the wind and rain on the Chicago pier
Standing in Times Square
Having two portraits drawn of us
Her sitting with me while I was at the hospital
Racing sandals while watching the tide come in at the Jamaica resort
Sharing seats together as the Braves played the Cardinals in Busch stadium
Sitting with her while she got her tattoo
Standing on the roof of our house watching fireworks
The gracious look on her face during Christmas 2006 while opening gifts
Crying at the academy after seeing her car waiting outside to surprise me

I yearn to be with my wife again; to make more memories. God please provide me with the wisdom and strength.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
1)Psalm 46:1

Divorce Journal Entry #39

10:14 pm

I want so desperately to talk to my wife. Every day I’ve wanted to call her, just to say I love you. But I know that she needs her space. So I await her call.

Every time my phone rings, my heart skips a beat… hoping it’s her. And each time my feelings are crushed to realize it’s someone else. I almost hate answering the phone.

I have a couple of voicemails on my phone that I’ve saved from her. These voicemails were not happy times, but nonetheless I am able to hear her voice when I want. Although I cannot communicate back, just her voice soothes me.

I have found myself lately talking to her, but she’s not around. I wish she would call.

I’ve also found myself coming home after working somewhere hoping to see her car in the driveway. I know that this is not a realistic expectation because she’s with her family, but I hope anyhow.

While showering I find myself dreaming of her just opening the door and saying hi. When I step out of the shower and walk into the bedroom I pray that she’s in the room wanting to talk.

Why is it that I feel this way?

I miss all the little things that she does. My life is in going through an abnormal state and my heart wants it to be normal. My mind tells me that it could be normal; that today is a new day, a new life.

Yet I still find myself waiting.

I miss my wife.

Divorce Journal Entry #38

8:32 pm

I just finished meeting with a counselor. He made some very interesting points that I wish to remember.

He told me that one thing a wife needs more than anything is security. She has left the umbrella of her family and entered under the wing of her husband. She desires financial, emotional, and physical security. As a husband it is my utmost priority to provide my wife with those securities.

He said that my past actions have jeopardized that security. He offered me hope however by stating that those securities can be reestablished with time. He told me, with his wife sitting next to him, that he has been married 34 years. He told me that from 1986 – 1996 he entered into 10 different relationships with women other than his wife. He told me that all he desired from his wife was acknowledgment of what he’d done for her, but that it seemed non-existent. He told me that he sought those feelings from other people, only to find that they would last for a short while. He told me that it took he and his wife the past 10 years to rebuild their securities with one another. Nothing is impossible with God.

He told me that I cannot change my wife. I can only change me. He told me that when the smoke clears it will be seen as to who I really am. Through the events of the past year I believe that I’ve already found who I am. I believe that I am a loving, caring, humble, and patient man of God. He told me that should I maintain my integrity and humility that someday Amie will see who I really am. Then she will be able to reexamine me and those feelings of security will likely return.

Divorce Journal Entry #37

March 19, 2007
7:17 am

I woke up this morning in our bed alone. My mind instantly filled with what Amie is really saying when she says she wants a divorce.

“I no longer love you.”
“I no longer desire you.”
“I do not want a life with you anymore.”
“My future does not include you.”
“I do not want to talk to you daily.”
“I do not want to share moments with you anymore.”
“I do not forgive you.”
“I do not desire intimacy with you.”
“I do not want to be close to you.”
“Our marriage means nothing.”
“I want out.”
“I would rather be alone than with you.”
“I do not care how you feel.”
“I do not care what you want.”
“I do not care about us.”
“My dreams and goals are more important than you.”
“I do not want our marriage to work.”

All of these thoughts deeply sadden me. I want nothing more than the exact opposite of what she’s saying.

“Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”
1)Isaiah 57:2

Last night I was reading further in The Grief Recovery Handbook. A few different thoughts stood out to me.

“Bedevilment is the opposite of enshrinement. The griever has a litany of complaints detailing a lifetime of mistreatment. They are unwilling to let go of disappointments and anger. With bedevilment, the griever clings to the negatives just as the enshriner clings to the positives, but neither views the entire relationship.

All relationships include both positive and negative interactions. We know that you can complete grief only by being totally honest with yourself and others.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 53-54

Further in the book, the authors begin to offer steps for grievers that will help in the recovery stage. The first of these steps is choosing to recover. They suggest three words that will help a griever begin the process of recovery: different, better, or more.

“Whether the loss is a death, a divorce, or a painful estrangement from another person, the question ‘What do you wish had been different, better, or more?’ will always help you find what is incomplete.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 61

Although I do believe that Amie knows that I love her, I wish I had told her more. I wish I had been more vocal with her about my feelings towards her. I would hold her more, and stimulate her emotionally more. I would communicate with her differently, in her own language. I would respond better to her sorrow and show more enthusiasm in her joy. I would focus more intently on filling her tank.

“What ruins the picnic - the rain or one’s attitude about the rain? This is a trick question. The answer is both. The rain really does ruin the picnic, but you cannot do anything about the rain, you can only deal with your reaction to the rain. The same is true of almost all losses. What causes my grief – the loss or my reaction to the loss? Again, the answer is both. While we cannot undo what has happened, we can do something about our reaction. We can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain, disappointment, frustration, and heartache caused by what has happened.”
- The Grief Recover Handbook, p. 64

I have remained fervent in prayer that God will provide me with humility and love in each encounter with Amie. I truly believe that he has done that for me. I do not believe that I could react any better to the agony that I’m feeling. Should a divorce come to fruition, I want to know for the rest of my life that I handled it as well as I possibly could and as lovingly as I possibly could.

Divorce Journal Entry #36

March 18, 2007
7:54 pm

I had abandoned this journal, but I feel that it is essential in my healing and recovery from grief.

I have been reading a couple of books lately to help me through this process. I picked up a copy of “The Five Love Languages”. This book has helped me to recognize several things pertaining to my relationship with my wife that I hadn’t previously known. It also has provided me with reassurance as to how things have taken place in the past. The second book I’m reading is “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. This book has been a God-send as it speaks directly to me. It addresses several of the feelings I’ve had and is designed to help the reader truly recover from an event that causes grief, rather than hide it.

I have described the recent events with my wife to people as an overwhelming sense of various emotions. It has been exhausting going from day-to-day because I have experienced a roller coaster of feelings; changing as quickly as the wind. The Grief Recovery Handbook acknowledges this as the definition of grief.

“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 3

I talked with Andrew a few days ago about various things that people have said to me that have been intended for good, but instead caused further pain and resentment.

“I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been through it three times.” – Lowes worker
“Someday you’ll find someone else.” – My wife
“At least you don’t have children together.” – Almost everyone
“You’ll do better next time.” – Family friend
“Women think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” – Landlord
“She’s probably cheating.” – Directv Customer Service Rep.

I don’t want someone to tell me that they know how I feel. Yes, they may have experienced a divorce in the past, but their story is theirs and my story is mine. No one knows how I feel. Why do they try to discount my pain with their own?

I don’t want to find someone else. I have found my joy and have no desire to think of anyone else. The thought of touching, seeing, or speaking to anyone as I do my wife sickens me.

What if I want children together? I would love to stare a child in the eyes and see Amie and me in those eyes looking back at me. Would it make a divorce more difficult? Sure. But I want to experience children with her someday.

Can I do better? I don’t think so. My wife is everything to me, nothing less. I find it hard to believe that someone better exists for me. The thought alone is adulteress.

Does Amie think the grass is greener elsewhere? Only she and God know. How is this statement supposed to comfort or console me?

And finally, who the hell is the Directv lady to tell me that my wife is probably cheating. I would agree that if she is even remotely emotionally attached to anyone then yes, she is cheating. But only she and God know. The point is that this statement is more hurtful to me that helpful.

So what do I need from people? What can they say to me that genuinely shows empathy?

“I cannot begin to understand what you’re feeling.” – Very few people
“I’ve been through a divorce before, but I cannot say that I know how you feel.”
– Federal Probation and Parole Officer
“My heart breaks for you.” – Sunday School Teacher
“I have been praying for you.” – Several people

Those statements provide me with comfort. These people recognize that I may not be experiencing what they themselves have experienced. They know that my feelings are just that, mine. They do not try to mitigate my pain.

In The Grief Recovery Handbook, the authors discuss that time, solitude, or replacement are not healthy ways to deal with grief; more specifically, divorce. Instead they refer to a divorce as an unfinished relationship. In order to effectively recover from divorce they suggest that the grievant finish the unfinished. Perhaps that is why I have such a desire to show my wife in several different ways that I love her, and vow to love her even should a divorce happen.

They discuss the issue of guilt, also known as the “G” word. They note that the dictionary definition of guilt implies an intent to harm. Though some people may argue otherwise, I never intended to harm or hurt my wife. I have hurt my wife, but the absence of intent relieves me of a feeling of guilt. Or so suggest the authors.

A few long statements in The Five Love Languages further addressed my painful past.

“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we don’t always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes said and done hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and asked forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I chose justice and chose to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I chose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 46

In order for love to prevail in my relationship with my wife, she must be willing to forgive me of my past. I have expressed deep remorse and begged her for forgiveness. As supported by Scripture and noted in The Five Love Languages, my wife now should forgive. This, as stated below in the next quote, does not eliminate the pain of the wrongdoing, but is necessary as an act of love.

“The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can chose to live today free of the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. ‘I love you. I care about you, and I chose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here.’ Those are the words of affirmation expressed in the dialect of kind words.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 47

I pray that my wife seeks forgiveness. I pray that the greatest moments and sense of love are yet to come. I pray that my hopes, dreams, and goals with Amie are a thing of the future, not the past. I love my wife.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1)1 Corinthians 13:4-8