April 17, 2007
6:40 pm
Today was an interesting day to say the least. I woke this morning and called a doctor to try to get an appointment today. I scheduled an appointment for this afternoon at 2:30 pm.
I worked this morning to cut down and remove two trees. The entire time I was there I was listening to the music on my phone. Some of the songs were very soothing while others made my mind race back to Amie. This morning I downloaded the song from church last night “How To Save A Life”. I listened to this song over and over and found peace. Each time I heard it I thought of all of my friends who I’ve told of my struggles and scary thoughts. I am so thankful for them and their unconditional love. They have not judged me but rather have prayed for me, told me that they love me, reassured me of my worth, and hugged me. Personal touch has spoken more to me than any words and those who are able to have extended their hands.
After working I got cleaned up to go see the doctor. My nerves were on edge; afraid of what the doctor might say or do with me. I left the house and headed into Tulsa with several hours before my appointment.
I went to a guitar store and must have looked like I had no clue. I met a salesman there. I told him that I have never played an instrument, besides the spoons, but that I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. I told him about what has happened recently and how I believe in the power of music. I made it clear to him that I was there spontaneously seeking a therapeutic activity.
He showed me around the store and asked me what type of guitar I wanted. I told him that I wanted either an acoustic or an acoustic-electric guitar. He showed me several of the beginner guitars. He had me sit on a stool and brought the guitars to me. He showed me the basic positioning and told me that only I can decide which guitar feels the best to me. It was so nice to have someone just tell me to be still and then help me. Inside I was smiling finally.
He gave me a crash course in posture, hand positioning, and strokes. He taught me a few keys and we then began to talk. After several minutes of just talking he told me to show him those keys again... and I did it! What a remarkable feeling!
I purchased a guitar and he threw in the hard case, tuner, strap, and beginner’s book. It felt so great to walk out of the store carrying the case and putting it in the truck. The smell of the leather case was so warm. I then headed to the hospital in Sapulpa for my appointment.
I got to the hospital and grabbed my guitar case. The salesman told me that where I go the guitar goes. He explained the need for it to be away from extreme temperatures, moisture, etc. So I took it inside the hospital with me. Let’s just say I had some extremely strange glances. I walked through the door in the office, walked straight to the window, and set the case down in order to sign-in and fill out the paperwork.
After several minutes the nurse came and got me out of the lobby. I grabbed my case and walked inside. She laughed and asked me if I was there to see the doctor or to serenade her. I laughed and told her that she doesn’t want me to even try to play cause I have no idea what I’m doing yet.
She led me into the room where I sat down the case and then sat on the examination table. She asked me what was going on. I took a deep breath and started at the beginning with losing my job. I told her everything and how it was effecting me. I told her about my dream Saturday morning. I fought tears the entire time, but finally broke down. She leaned forward and gave me a hug and said that it was okay... that they would help me.
She was in her mid 30's. She told me that five years ago her husband died of a heart attack in her arms. She told me that she grieved for a few years afterwards. She told me that she would swing from anger to happiness, sadness to joyfulness at the drop of a dime. She told me that she finally got to a point where she was able to place her feelings into a separate memory bank and file it in her memory... but that she continued to find life.
She told me that someday I would do the same thing, but that my feelings and emotions were normal reactions. She affirmed my belief that everyone has their breaking point where they finally need medical help. She told me that I’m not crazy or abnormal, but human... just like everyone else. She told me that when I was ready that I would be happy with who I am again and would find life again. She then told me that I am a “gorgeous man”. I laughed and said, “even though I’m just skin and bones?” She laughed and said that most women would find me extremely attractive and would “fatten me up” in due time.
I hate the thought of considering any other woman besides my wife. I have said since our separation that I find it repulsive to think of another woman... and I do. It sickens me. But the words that she said to me were so kind. I needed that affirmation of who I am.
She then opened the door to the examining room and left, leaving the door open. She came back a few moments later and shut the door. I then heard her outside of the room talking to another nurse. They were talking about how I was “gorgeous”. Thank you God for giving me that boost in my confidence.
The doctor came in shortly thereafter. I told him everything from the beginning. I told him about the thoughts I had been having and about my dream. I was so afraid of what he would say to me. But, he told me that I was human and having a normal reaction. I told him that I was seeing a Christian counselor but that I felt that I needed medical help as well. He listened to me longer than any doctor I’ve ever seen before. He then prescribed me two medications... one to take the edge off and the other to help me rest with a clear mind.
Before leaving the doctor told me that I would be getting a shot. Now I must admit, I don’t like shots. The nurse from earlier came in and I asked her where she would be administering the shot. She said “in your best place.” I laughed and said, “my arm?” She told me to bend over and without any soothing words, preparation, or even a countdown stuck me in the rear. I almost jumped over the table! She told me that the shot would help my system not go into shock upon taking the medication for the first few times. That it would prep my system for what was to come.
I felt like I was gonna puke after the shot but left. I met up with Jamie and Angie at the park in Sapulpa and played frisbee with Jamie for a few minutes. I proudly showed off my new guitar.
After returning to the house I grabbed the beginner’s book and sat down to begin learning. My mother came upstairs and saw what I was doing. She came in and sat down and began to teach me about musical notes and chords. God thank you that my family is recognizing my pain and giving me their time and attention that I so desperately need.
I’m thrilled to have an unchartered hobby that I can work on. As soon as I can read the music and know what to do with my left hand I want to learn the song from church last night that I’ve listened to dozens of times.
I’m worried about taking my first bit of medication here within the next hour. Then it will be chased with the second prescription. Anti-depressants work most of the time, but sometimes throw people into an even greater depression. I’m so scared of sinking any lower. I don’t feel like I can handle being any lower. God please let this ease my pain.
God thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for the few times that I smiled today. Thank you for the kind and compassionate words of some people today. Thank you so much for my friends who have acted as the four men that lowered their friend to Jesus in Mark 2. They have been an incredible support group. Bless them as they have blessed me. Touch my wife. I love her so much. God please give me a refreshing trip to New York. Please clear my mind of all my distress and let me leave it in Oklahoma.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #57
April 16, 2007
6:51 am
I saw Amie last night for 56 minutes. I hadn’t seen her in nearly two and a half weeks. She looked so beautiful. I found peace for that 56 minutes that I was with her. We filled the time with small talk. Before I left I told her that I would be returning to New York in June and made a comment that she would be out of school by that time; implying that she could join me on my return trip. She then replied, “it won’t happen Mike.” Why do I continue to make statements or ask her questions that I know will hurt me? Hope.
Church last night was incredible. LifeChurch is having a series that they’re calling MixTape. They are taking modern secular songs and using the lyrics and words to teach a scriptural message. Last night I felt the touch of God.
The title of the message last night was “Saving a Life” based upon the a song by The Frey titled “How To Save A Life.” The song indirectly deals with us reaching out to those we know who are hurting and intervening before they do something that cannot be reversed. I cannot stop watching the message on the internet at LifeChurch.tv.
They lyrics to the song are very powerful.
That pastor told a personal story about a friend of his that he grew up with. He said that one day he and this friend got into an argument and split ways. He said that they didn’t talk for two months, then one day God laid his friend on his heart. He felt that he needed to contact his friend. He decided that after church, then dinner, then family time he would call his friend. That night, after doing all of those things as he called his friend’s wife answered the phone. She said that she had just gotten home to find him dead in the house. He had killed himself.
The scripture associated with the message last night was Mark 2:1-12. It is the story of the four friends that lower the paralytic through the roof to get to Jesus. He talked about the loyalty of those friends and their determination to save their friend.
I am so thankful for those people who are close to me that know these thoughts and feelings that I’m having.
I have spent some time talking with Andrew about the dreams and thoughts that I’ve been having. He has been so caring for me and tells me how much he loves me. He told me that he has shared my issues with Alyse and I can feel her prayers.
I have spent time talking with Tobi about the dreams and thoughts. Tobi has been broken on the phone upon hearing these things. He has been quick to answer the phone and uplift me at every opportunity. Sarah knows as well. She told me last night that she is praying for me so much. They, too, tell me in every conversation how much they love me.
I talked to Jamie and Angie last night about these dreams and thoughts. They offered encouragement and kind words. Angie told me last night that I was on her heart all week because she just doesn’t know how much more I can take. They hug me every time they see me. They, also, tell me that they love me.
What a great group of people that I call friends. They don’t view me as crazy but rather as a believer who is struggling. They offer their prayers, kind words, and presence. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.
I wish I could tell Amie how I’m feeling. I fear that she would think I’m crazy or become angry with me. I love her and very literally have believed my vow... a life without her is in fact no life at all.
God please forgive me of all of my stains, impurities, and wrongdoing. Heal me of my unrighteousness. Then God please heal me of my mind. You healed the paralytic first of his sin then of his crippling disease. Deliver me O God.
6:51 am
I saw Amie last night for 56 minutes. I hadn’t seen her in nearly two and a half weeks. She looked so beautiful. I found peace for that 56 minutes that I was with her. We filled the time with small talk. Before I left I told her that I would be returning to New York in June and made a comment that she would be out of school by that time; implying that she could join me on my return trip. She then replied, “it won’t happen Mike.” Why do I continue to make statements or ask her questions that I know will hurt me? Hope.
Church last night was incredible. LifeChurch is having a series that they’re calling MixTape. They are taking modern secular songs and using the lyrics and words to teach a scriptural message. Last night I felt the touch of God.
The title of the message last night was “Saving a Life” based upon the a song by The Frey titled “How To Save A Life.” The song indirectly deals with us reaching out to those we know who are hurting and intervening before they do something that cannot be reversed. I cannot stop watching the message on the internet at LifeChurch.tv.
They lyrics to the song are very powerful.
That pastor told a personal story about a friend of his that he grew up with. He said that one day he and this friend got into an argument and split ways. He said that they didn’t talk for two months, then one day God laid his friend on his heart. He felt that he needed to contact his friend. He decided that after church, then dinner, then family time he would call his friend. That night, after doing all of those things as he called his friend’s wife answered the phone. She said that she had just gotten home to find him dead in the house. He had killed himself.
The scripture associated with the message last night was Mark 2:1-12. It is the story of the four friends that lower the paralytic through the roof to get to Jesus. He talked about the loyalty of those friends and their determination to save their friend.
I am so thankful for those people who are close to me that know these thoughts and feelings that I’m having.
I have spent some time talking with Andrew about the dreams and thoughts that I’ve been having. He has been so caring for me and tells me how much he loves me. He told me that he has shared my issues with Alyse and I can feel her prayers.
I have spent time talking with Tobi about the dreams and thoughts. Tobi has been broken on the phone upon hearing these things. He has been quick to answer the phone and uplift me at every opportunity. Sarah knows as well. She told me last night that she is praying for me so much. They, too, tell me in every conversation how much they love me.
I talked to Jamie and Angie last night about these dreams and thoughts. They offered encouragement and kind words. Angie told me last night that I was on her heart all week because she just doesn’t know how much more I can take. They hug me every time they see me. They, also, tell me that they love me.
What a great group of people that I call friends. They don’t view me as crazy but rather as a believer who is struggling. They offer their prayers, kind words, and presence. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.
I wish I could tell Amie how I’m feeling. I fear that she would think I’m crazy or become angry with me. I love her and very literally have believed my vow... a life without her is in fact no life at all.
God please forgive me of all of my stains, impurities, and wrongdoing. Heal me of my unrighteousness. Then God please heal me of my mind. You healed the paralytic first of his sin then of his crippling disease. Deliver me O God.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #56
10:26 am
This morning church was difficult. The message was on love.
“You are my hiding place
You will always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You.”
I want to be strong in this time of weakness.
We talked about the difference between the types of love. We specifically, as God’s children, are to be filled with agape love, or unconditional love. The question then was posed, how do we love the unloved and the unlovable. The first thought that entered my mind was that I am the unloved.
I know that my family loves me. I know that God loves me. But the love that I crave the most, the love from my wife, I don’t feel. I desire to feel her unconditional and restoring love. I want her to wake each day and chose to love me again. I felt very lonely in that room surrounded by young parents, couples, and pregnant women. How can they understand my feelings and hurt? They cannot.
I said a few journals earlier that I have already forgiven my wife of her past mistakes and failures. I have already forgiven her of what I believe to be unintentional emotional damage that she has caused me. I have already forgiven her of anything that she has, can, or will do to me today and tomorrow. I will always forgive my wife and love my wife, regardless of the magnitude of the wrongdoing. I love her unconditionally.
I will fight for my wife’s love until the gloves are stripped from my hands. I will stand in this darkness praying for a glimmer of sunshine until my legs give way. I will desire my wife and my wife alone until God replaces that desire. I will love my wife forever and will never falter.
I have said in the recent past that everyone has a breaking point. Fortunately I have not seen mine yet. But I fear that it is on the horizon. God please restore the peace and joy that only you can restore. Bless me, your child, who seeks your healing touch. God I know that divorce hurts you. Help Amie to see the restoration that you can provide to our marriage. Thank you for your mercy and your grace.
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
This morning church was difficult. The message was on love.
“You are my hiding place
You will always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You.”
I want to be strong in this time of weakness.
We talked about the difference between the types of love. We specifically, as God’s children, are to be filled with agape love, or unconditional love. The question then was posed, how do we love the unloved and the unlovable. The first thought that entered my mind was that I am the unloved.
I know that my family loves me. I know that God loves me. But the love that I crave the most, the love from my wife, I don’t feel. I desire to feel her unconditional and restoring love. I want her to wake each day and chose to love me again. I felt very lonely in that room surrounded by young parents, couples, and pregnant women. How can they understand my feelings and hurt? They cannot.
I said a few journals earlier that I have already forgiven my wife of her past mistakes and failures. I have already forgiven her of what I believe to be unintentional emotional damage that she has caused me. I have already forgiven her of anything that she has, can, or will do to me today and tomorrow. I will always forgive my wife and love my wife, regardless of the magnitude of the wrongdoing. I love her unconditionally.
I will fight for my wife’s love until the gloves are stripped from my hands. I will stand in this darkness praying for a glimmer of sunshine until my legs give way. I will desire my wife and my wife alone until God replaces that desire. I will love my wife forever and will never falter.
I have said in the recent past that everyone has a breaking point. Fortunately I have not seen mine yet. But I fear that it is on the horizon. God please restore the peace and joy that only you can restore. Bless me, your child, who seeks your healing touch. God I know that divorce hurts you. Help Amie to see the restoration that you can provide to our marriage. Thank you for your mercy and your grace.
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
Divorce Journal Entry #55
April 15, 2007
6:27 am
I heard from Amie last night after I finished my last journal. We talked for 24 minutes. Although it was difficult to talk to her, for 24 minutes I had peace. The phone rang and I saw who it was. My heart skipped a beat and I nervously answered the phone. I want so desperately to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid that I won’t hear from her again for days if I tell her. I think that I kept talking so long because I was afraid to hang up... afraid to not hear her again for several days.
I asked her if I could see her before I left. She was silent for several seconds. It was hard for me to hear her hesitation, but she finally told me that I could come by the house after church for a few minutes. I’m so nervous to see her.
I went to sleep last night only to have another restless night of sleep. I woke several times because I was nervous about what to say to her and how to act. I want so badly to get on my knees before her and tell her that I’m sorry for what I’d done. I want to ask her to give our marriage a chance because I know that it can work. Again, not because she wants me to be somebody, but because I want to be the man that she needs. I want to tell her about how much money I’ve saved and tell her that I want to start afresh with her in St. Louis. I want to leave all of our bad memories and pain in Oklahoma and be renewed. I want to remarry my wife, burying the past. I want to tell her that I will forever meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs... and never hurt her again. I’m afraid, however, that talking to her about it might push her further away. So I will be prayerful today as to how I’m supposed to act and what I’m supposed to say.
I woke early this morning after having a nightmare. In my nightmare I found myself in a dark building that resembled a barn. There were what appeared to be animal corpses hung in various places from the rafters. I then saw a dark dreary figure. My mind then raced with several scary images of myself. I called out in my dream to the figure and asked him who he was. The figure then howled “Suicide”.
I woke in panic and began to pray. I hate having such thoughts and dreams, but they are becoming more frequent. How much more repentant can I be of what I’ve done to her that I’m having such thoughts? God please heal me. Remind me of your unconditional love and unending grace. May my marriage exemplify those same attributes. May Amie chose to love as she vowed rather than judge. I love my wife.
I’m going to begin to be fervent at tithing starting today. I’ve never been real consistent on giving God part of my financial life. I know that God requires it from us, but it’s scary to give when there are so many unknowns in my life right now and not much to give. God please grant me a generous and unwavering heart. May I give with a joyful spirit.
I have decided to fast today. I have never fasted in the past, but want to spend the day deep in thought and prayer. I want to know what to say and how to be tonight in front of Amie. I want to learn your truths God and find your peace and healing. Touch me today.
6:27 am
I heard from Amie last night after I finished my last journal. We talked for 24 minutes. Although it was difficult to talk to her, for 24 minutes I had peace. The phone rang and I saw who it was. My heart skipped a beat and I nervously answered the phone. I want so desperately to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid that I won’t hear from her again for days if I tell her. I think that I kept talking so long because I was afraid to hang up... afraid to not hear her again for several days.
I asked her if I could see her before I left. She was silent for several seconds. It was hard for me to hear her hesitation, but she finally told me that I could come by the house after church for a few minutes. I’m so nervous to see her.
I went to sleep last night only to have another restless night of sleep. I woke several times because I was nervous about what to say to her and how to act. I want so badly to get on my knees before her and tell her that I’m sorry for what I’d done. I want to ask her to give our marriage a chance because I know that it can work. Again, not because she wants me to be somebody, but because I want to be the man that she needs. I want to tell her about how much money I’ve saved and tell her that I want to start afresh with her in St. Louis. I want to leave all of our bad memories and pain in Oklahoma and be renewed. I want to remarry my wife, burying the past. I want to tell her that I will forever meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs... and never hurt her again. I’m afraid, however, that talking to her about it might push her further away. So I will be prayerful today as to how I’m supposed to act and what I’m supposed to say.
I woke early this morning after having a nightmare. In my nightmare I found myself in a dark building that resembled a barn. There were what appeared to be animal corpses hung in various places from the rafters. I then saw a dark dreary figure. My mind then raced with several scary images of myself. I called out in my dream to the figure and asked him who he was. The figure then howled “Suicide”.
I woke in panic and began to pray. I hate having such thoughts and dreams, but they are becoming more frequent. How much more repentant can I be of what I’ve done to her that I’m having such thoughts? God please heal me. Remind me of your unconditional love and unending grace. May my marriage exemplify those same attributes. May Amie chose to love as she vowed rather than judge. I love my wife.
I’m going to begin to be fervent at tithing starting today. I’ve never been real consistent on giving God part of my financial life. I know that God requires it from us, but it’s scary to give when there are so many unknowns in my life right now and not much to give. God please grant me a generous and unwavering heart. May I give with a joyful spirit.
I have decided to fast today. I have never fasted in the past, but want to spend the day deep in thought and prayer. I want to know what to say and how to be tonight in front of Amie. I want to learn your truths God and find your peace and healing. Touch me today.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #54
8:05 pm
This afternoon was very difficult for me. After writing my last entry I took a nap. I find myself sleeping in times of stagnation. I hope to pass whatever time and wake to hear the phone ringing or receive an email from Amie. Again, nothing.
My folks sent me to Blockbuster to rent a couple of movies for tonight. On the way there I broke into tears. I picked up a couple of movies and while standing in the checkout line I called Tobi. I told him that today was a very difficult day for me. I told him that I was starting to have scary thoughts again. I told him that I was considering going to Lauriette, a mental health hospital in Tulsa. Tobi broke down... finally understanding the magnitude of my pain.
I drove back to the house and tried to call Andrew. I sent him two text messages to call me, but haven’t heard from him. I was going to ask him to drive me to Lauriette. I also knew that he could stop by the house and get my insurance information from Amie if it was needed. I still have yet to hear from him.
When I got to the house I called Lauriette. I spoke with a receptionist who took my name and phone number. She assured me that a therapist would contact me within a few minutes.
After a few minutes the phone rang and I spoke with a woman. She asked me what was going on and I told her everything that was happening and how it made me feel. She asked me very pointed questions, more specifically relating to suicide. I told her that I am more and more frequently having such thoughts, but that I don’t think I’m brave enough to actually hurt myself. She told me that the only way I could see a doctor with their agency over the weekend would be to admit myself into their custody. Doing so would require me to be in their care for 72 hours, thus missing my flight to New York. She did not think that would be necessary but mentioned that it is possible if I feel that my thoughts might lead to action.
She gave me several phone numbers of various urgent care facilities. I called and spoke with COPES, a crisis intervention agency for Tulsa County. I remember working with COPES on several occasions as a police officer when I would come into contact with someone with intentions on hurting themselves. I spoke with a woman there for a few minutes who again asked me very pointed questions. Before hanging up she recommended that I obtain my insurance information and call my family doctor on Monday. She said that he would likely prescribe anti-depressants that would help to take the edge off.
After getting off the phone I went downstairs to talk briefly with my mother. I cannot tell her the thoughts I’ve been having as it would devastate her further. She and my father love Amie so much and are broken about what is going on. My grandparents too love her deeply and have offered their love and support for me whatever should happen. I did talk with my mother though about seeing our family doctor and getting some medication. She began to cry.
I took some pictures of Amie off the refrigerator after telling my mother. I also found some pictures of our wedding rehearsal and ceremony in my Bible this afternoon after trying to find peace in the words of God. My mother also found pictures of Amie that were taken in Iowa when visiting my grandparents in the past. I placed those pictures in a drawer in my bedroom so that I would not see them any more. I also took the pictures that Amie had taken off the wall at the house and put them back into the box and set it in the garage. This is not symbolic of me giving up or trying to move on with life. Rather, I think it’s necessary as the more I think of her the more it hurts me.
It is not healthy for me to continue to see pictures of her when my depression seems to overwhelm me at times. I still hold onto hope that our marriage can be resurrected, but I’m afraid of my own mind. I desire for my love to be reciprocated from her. That is what would heal my heart and allow for my wounds to stop bleeding. Without that, peace doesn’t seem possible.
I have been thinking this evening about other therapeutic activities that I can do. I have thoroughly enjoyed painting and plan to continue painting. Music is powerful. I think I’m going to look into buying an inexpensive guitar and try to learn how to play. I don’t think I have any sense of rhythm, but then again I never thought of myself as creative either.
As I sit here a song just came over the speakers that is very fitting. It is Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)”.
I sent the CD with that song on it to Amie for Easter. I heard the song before purchasing it and felt that it described my feelings for her. Amazingly, it soothes my soul in times without her.
I cannot give up. I cannot lose faith. I cannot lose hope. I cannot lose love. I love my wife so much.
“... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
- Romans 5:3-5
This afternoon was very difficult for me. After writing my last entry I took a nap. I find myself sleeping in times of stagnation. I hope to pass whatever time and wake to hear the phone ringing or receive an email from Amie. Again, nothing.
My folks sent me to Blockbuster to rent a couple of movies for tonight. On the way there I broke into tears. I picked up a couple of movies and while standing in the checkout line I called Tobi. I told him that today was a very difficult day for me. I told him that I was starting to have scary thoughts again. I told him that I was considering going to Lauriette, a mental health hospital in Tulsa. Tobi broke down... finally understanding the magnitude of my pain.
I drove back to the house and tried to call Andrew. I sent him two text messages to call me, but haven’t heard from him. I was going to ask him to drive me to Lauriette. I also knew that he could stop by the house and get my insurance information from Amie if it was needed. I still have yet to hear from him.
When I got to the house I called Lauriette. I spoke with a receptionist who took my name and phone number. She assured me that a therapist would contact me within a few minutes.
After a few minutes the phone rang and I spoke with a woman. She asked me what was going on and I told her everything that was happening and how it made me feel. She asked me very pointed questions, more specifically relating to suicide. I told her that I am more and more frequently having such thoughts, but that I don’t think I’m brave enough to actually hurt myself. She told me that the only way I could see a doctor with their agency over the weekend would be to admit myself into their custody. Doing so would require me to be in their care for 72 hours, thus missing my flight to New York. She did not think that would be necessary but mentioned that it is possible if I feel that my thoughts might lead to action.
She gave me several phone numbers of various urgent care facilities. I called and spoke with COPES, a crisis intervention agency for Tulsa County. I remember working with COPES on several occasions as a police officer when I would come into contact with someone with intentions on hurting themselves. I spoke with a woman there for a few minutes who again asked me very pointed questions. Before hanging up she recommended that I obtain my insurance information and call my family doctor on Monday. She said that he would likely prescribe anti-depressants that would help to take the edge off.
After getting off the phone I went downstairs to talk briefly with my mother. I cannot tell her the thoughts I’ve been having as it would devastate her further. She and my father love Amie so much and are broken about what is going on. My grandparents too love her deeply and have offered their love and support for me whatever should happen. I did talk with my mother though about seeing our family doctor and getting some medication. She began to cry.
I took some pictures of Amie off the refrigerator after telling my mother. I also found some pictures of our wedding rehearsal and ceremony in my Bible this afternoon after trying to find peace in the words of God. My mother also found pictures of Amie that were taken in Iowa when visiting my grandparents in the past. I placed those pictures in a drawer in my bedroom so that I would not see them any more. I also took the pictures that Amie had taken off the wall at the house and put them back into the box and set it in the garage. This is not symbolic of me giving up or trying to move on with life. Rather, I think it’s necessary as the more I think of her the more it hurts me.
It is not healthy for me to continue to see pictures of her when my depression seems to overwhelm me at times. I still hold onto hope that our marriage can be resurrected, but I’m afraid of my own mind. I desire for my love to be reciprocated from her. That is what would heal my heart and allow for my wounds to stop bleeding. Without that, peace doesn’t seem possible.
I have been thinking this evening about other therapeutic activities that I can do. I have thoroughly enjoyed painting and plan to continue painting. Music is powerful. I think I’m going to look into buying an inexpensive guitar and try to learn how to play. I don’t think I have any sense of rhythm, but then again I never thought of myself as creative either.
As I sit here a song just came over the speakers that is very fitting. It is Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)”.
I sent the CD with that song on it to Amie for Easter. I heard the song before purchasing it and felt that it described my feelings for her. Amazingly, it soothes my soul in times without her.
I cannot give up. I cannot lose faith. I cannot lose hope. I cannot lose love. I love my wife so much.
“... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
- Romans 5:3-5
Divorce Journal Entry #53
1:51 pm
Yesterday I left flowers at the house for Amie. I sent her an email that said that I’d love to see her this weekend before I leave for New York. I asked her to call me and let me know if it would be possible. I still have yet to hear from her. So I sit here in front of the computer spinning my wedding ring that rests on my finger.
I’m so tired. I’m tired of bleeding emotionally. I’m tired of the disappointment of not hearing from her. I’m tired of loving, yet feeling unloved by the one who vowed to love me. I’m tired of trying to resuscitate a relationship that has died against my will. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m so tired of not feeling desired. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the weight that I literally feel on my heart. I’m tired of joy eluding me. I’m tired of walking through hell. I’m tired of the pain.
How ironic that my source of joy is also the source of my pain.
God please save me from my pain. How long must I live in this darkness? How long O Lord must I have sorrow in my heart. I beg for a chance with my wife but it seems that it’s falling on deaf ears. How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? Bring light to my eyes God or I will live in darkness. I’m dying inside. I’m so tired.
Happiness. Is it just a pursuit or can someone actually attain happiness? Why does it seem to elude me. Peace. Is it something that is only available to the unstained? Why can’t I sleep a single night without restlessness? Joy. Is true joy impossible? Why can’t I smile without the thought that I’m merely covering up my pain? Love. Is it only hurtful? How can love cause so much pain?
God your word says that love bears all things and endures all things. It says that it keeps no record of wrongs. Why does this strike me right now as a painful misconception? Why doesn’t my relationship with my wife personify those attributes? My love is hurting me beyond measure.
God I want to sing, but my voice is hoarse. I want to raise my hands, but I don’t have the strength. I want to fall on my face, but know that I can’t get up. I want to come home God. Deliver me from the darkness that I call life.
Bring light to my eyes O God. Hold me in your precious arms. Whisper in my ears words of affirmation and peace. May I experience true happiness, peace, joy, and love that only You can provide. Please work a miracle in my life and in my relationship with my wife.
I love my wife, but she deserves better than me.
Yesterday I left flowers at the house for Amie. I sent her an email that said that I’d love to see her this weekend before I leave for New York. I asked her to call me and let me know if it would be possible. I still have yet to hear from her. So I sit here in front of the computer spinning my wedding ring that rests on my finger.
I’m so tired. I’m tired of bleeding emotionally. I’m tired of the disappointment of not hearing from her. I’m tired of loving, yet feeling unloved by the one who vowed to love me. I’m tired of trying to resuscitate a relationship that has died against my will. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m so tired of not feeling desired. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the weight that I literally feel on my heart. I’m tired of joy eluding me. I’m tired of walking through hell. I’m tired of the pain.
How ironic that my source of joy is also the source of my pain.
God please save me from my pain. How long must I live in this darkness? How long O Lord must I have sorrow in my heart. I beg for a chance with my wife but it seems that it’s falling on deaf ears. How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? Bring light to my eyes God or I will live in darkness. I’m dying inside. I’m so tired.
Happiness. Is it just a pursuit or can someone actually attain happiness? Why does it seem to elude me. Peace. Is it something that is only available to the unstained? Why can’t I sleep a single night without restlessness? Joy. Is true joy impossible? Why can’t I smile without the thought that I’m merely covering up my pain? Love. Is it only hurtful? How can love cause so much pain?
God your word says that love bears all things and endures all things. It says that it keeps no record of wrongs. Why does this strike me right now as a painful misconception? Why doesn’t my relationship with my wife personify those attributes? My love is hurting me beyond measure.
God I want to sing, but my voice is hoarse. I want to raise my hands, but I don’t have the strength. I want to fall on my face, but know that I can’t get up. I want to come home God. Deliver me from the darkness that I call life.
Bring light to my eyes O God. Hold me in your precious arms. Whisper in my ears words of affirmation and peace. May I experience true happiness, peace, joy, and love that only You can provide. Please work a miracle in my life and in my relationship with my wife.
I love my wife, but she deserves better than me.
Divorce Journal Entry #52
April 14, 2007
9:28 am
In my quiet time this morning I read a passage from 1 Timothy. It talked about one of the fears that I’ve had since Amie told me that she wants a divorce.
It mentions that pastors and deacons are to be men of but one wife. I have been afraid since she told me of what my options are now concerning working in missions with children. Does this mean that I cannot serve with a missions board or have any endorsement from a religious agency? I know that it is talking specifically about leaders within a church, but the last I checked Baptist mission boards will not allow for a divorced person to be endorsed by their agency.
This scares me because it again further narrows who I can become. I can no longer work in law enforcement, and I’m okay with that. But the only other thing that I truly believe I could be happy doing would be in some sort of missions organizations with children.
This further enforces my need to do everything possible to attain reconciliation with my wife.
I’ve also been thinking this morning about something that Amie told me in the recent past. She told me that even after a divorce that she wants to remain friends. I just don’t know if it’s possible.
I know that she has been hurt in the past. I know that the thought of a divorce must be painful for her. But she hasn’t seen what I’ve gone through. She doesn’t know, or refuses to see, how devastating this has been to me. My confidence has been dealt a blow. The feelings of insecurity have consumed my soul. The pain has been indescribable. There is an immeasurable amount of psychological and emotional damage that has been done.
When I try to talk to her about how I’m doing I feel like it’s being shrugged off or ignored. That deepens the pain and insecurities.
Amie is my best friend and has been for nearly eight years. No one else has captured my heart and my soul like she has. Yet, I don’t know if I can be the common cliche of a “friend” if a divorce is finalized. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife more than anything, but I have been crushed.
If she should decide to “try” I will still have these wounds, but I believe that the bleeding would stop. I will show her that I desire to be the man that she needs in a husband... and I will be that man. Not because she wants me to be it, but because I want to be that person for her.
She has also told me in the recent past that someday I will find someone else. For weeks I found this statement repulsive. Now it is not only repulsive to me but seems an impossibility. For six weeks I have not dreamed or thought of any other woman besides my wife. She consumes my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams... all day every day. I know that someday she won’t be all I think about, but I cannot fathom experiencing all of the hurt, pain, insecurities, and lack of confidence that I’ve recently experienced ever again. I’m scared of the possibility of ever experiencing this again. So I honestly believe that I will remain single without Amie. I’ve never really been single at any rememberable point in my life. But the fear of experiencing this again greatly supercedes any desire for companionship. Statistics prove that once someone is divorced the probability of finding a lasting relationship ever again greatly declines... further strengthening my fear and insecurity. She told me over a year and a half ago that if our marriage didn’t work she would remain single for the rest of her life. She has not made that statement recently, but now I can affirmatively say that I believe it for my own life.
I will forever love my wife. I will forever hope that we can reunite our hopes, dreams, and desires and be together again. Should she force a divorce upon me I will still hope to call her my wife again someday. But there is an immense amount of psychological and emotional bleeding that will need to stop, scab, and scar over. I refuse to lose hope.
I love my wife. She is beautiful to me.
9:28 am
In my quiet time this morning I read a passage from 1 Timothy. It talked about one of the fears that I’ve had since Amie told me that she wants a divorce.
It mentions that pastors and deacons are to be men of but one wife. I have been afraid since she told me of what my options are now concerning working in missions with children. Does this mean that I cannot serve with a missions board or have any endorsement from a religious agency? I know that it is talking specifically about leaders within a church, but the last I checked Baptist mission boards will not allow for a divorced person to be endorsed by their agency.
This scares me because it again further narrows who I can become. I can no longer work in law enforcement, and I’m okay with that. But the only other thing that I truly believe I could be happy doing would be in some sort of missions organizations with children.
This further enforces my need to do everything possible to attain reconciliation with my wife.
I’ve also been thinking this morning about something that Amie told me in the recent past. She told me that even after a divorce that she wants to remain friends. I just don’t know if it’s possible.
I know that she has been hurt in the past. I know that the thought of a divorce must be painful for her. But she hasn’t seen what I’ve gone through. She doesn’t know, or refuses to see, how devastating this has been to me. My confidence has been dealt a blow. The feelings of insecurity have consumed my soul. The pain has been indescribable. There is an immeasurable amount of psychological and emotional damage that has been done.
When I try to talk to her about how I’m doing I feel like it’s being shrugged off or ignored. That deepens the pain and insecurities.
Amie is my best friend and has been for nearly eight years. No one else has captured my heart and my soul like she has. Yet, I don’t know if I can be the common cliche of a “friend” if a divorce is finalized. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife more than anything, but I have been crushed.
If she should decide to “try” I will still have these wounds, but I believe that the bleeding would stop. I will show her that I desire to be the man that she needs in a husband... and I will be that man. Not because she wants me to be it, but because I want to be that person for her.
She has also told me in the recent past that someday I will find someone else. For weeks I found this statement repulsive. Now it is not only repulsive to me but seems an impossibility. For six weeks I have not dreamed or thought of any other woman besides my wife. She consumes my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams... all day every day. I know that someday she won’t be all I think about, but I cannot fathom experiencing all of the hurt, pain, insecurities, and lack of confidence that I’ve recently experienced ever again. I’m scared of the possibility of ever experiencing this again. So I honestly believe that I will remain single without Amie. I’ve never really been single at any rememberable point in my life. But the fear of experiencing this again greatly supercedes any desire for companionship. Statistics prove that once someone is divorced the probability of finding a lasting relationship ever again greatly declines... further strengthening my fear and insecurity. She told me over a year and a half ago that if our marriage didn’t work she would remain single for the rest of her life. She has not made that statement recently, but now I can affirmatively say that I believe it for my own life.
I will forever love my wife. I will forever hope that we can reunite our hopes, dreams, and desires and be together again. Should she force a divorce upon me I will still hope to call her my wife again someday. But there is an immense amount of psychological and emotional bleeding that will need to stop, scab, and scar over. I refuse to lose hope.
I love my wife. She is beautiful to me.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #51
9:24 pm
I was sitting at the computer listening to music while looking through documents and pictures on the computer.
It occurred to me that nearly every picture I have includes Amie. Though I love the memories that I share with her, my heart is filled with sadness.
If she should continue to walk away from me how long will it take for me to make new pictures and make new happy memories? Will I forever go through Easter with sorrow in my heart? Will I ever be able to look at my family and not wish for the same happiness that my sister and parents share?
I told Andrew the other day that should a divorce happen I cannot continue to work with him or be around him. It’s not his fault but every time I look at him I see Alyse, thus causing me to see Amie. If she walks away I cannot continue to experience the roller coaster of emotions but must begin to care for my own emotional and physical health.
I also told him to keep me accountable should Amie give our relationship a chance. I don’t want to be someone for a short time then resort back to someone else. I want to be who she needs in a husband 100% of the time, for the rest of our lives. I told him that I never want to pick up another cigarette or cigar, ever. I told him that I want him to make sure Amie and I are in church. I told him to make sure that I’m tithing and praying with and for Amie. He promised to keep me accountable for these things.
I asked Andrew the other day some questions about how I was feeling. I asked him if he thought it was weird that I don’t think I could ever sleep in the same bed and mattress that Amie and I shared ever again without her. He told me that one of our friends from high school, John, experienced the same exact feeling when his wife left him. He slept on the couch for months before finally getting a new bed. I cannot possibly sleep in it again without her. I am afraid to smell her body wash, find a hair, or touch what she has laid on. I will never sleep in that bed again without her beside me.
I find it odd that I don’t feel this way about any other furniture or belongings. This includes the brown couch, where she and I shared our last physically intimate moment... aside from holding her as we both fell asleep two nights in a row just within the last week I was in the house with her.
I desire to make new pictures with Amie. I desire to fill my mind and my heart with new memories of us. I desire to forever gaze into her eyes. I desire to someday see her in my children. I love her so much and miss her uncontrollably at times.
Since I’ve lived with my parents I’ve seen their joy. I’ve seen their love for one another. I’ve seen their service toward each other. I’ve heard them whispering to each other before they fall asleep. I desire the same with my wife.
I have also seen my father and mother both be cold towards each other at times. I’ve heard them say hurtful things to one another. It’s amazing how these things are so clear to me when they happen. I have told my father and mother both on several occasions not to treat the other like that. When my father complains about my mother’s persistence about a chore, I’ve told him to be proud that she loves him. When my mother complains about my father not doing the chore, I’ve told her to be proud that he loves her.
I have learned so many lessons since separating with Amie. I have learned how a seemingly innocent comment can be detrimental to one’s feelings. I have learned the power of praise and adoration.
My mother has made comments in the past about regrets. She made those statements in anger for something about my father. I have seen that despite their periods of anger they truly love one another. They don’t walk away from problems, but confront them. They truly love one another.
I wish that Amie would confront our issues together with me, rather than walk away from them. Yes I have wronged her, and I will forever be repentant and remorseful for those things. A few days ago I was having thought after thought of hurting myself. How much more repentant can I be if I’m considering such scary actions? I wish that she would see my heart... see my repentance.
I love my wife. Nothing can or ever will change that.
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
-Ephesians 5:28
I was sitting at the computer listening to music while looking through documents and pictures on the computer.
It occurred to me that nearly every picture I have includes Amie. Though I love the memories that I share with her, my heart is filled with sadness.
If she should continue to walk away from me how long will it take for me to make new pictures and make new happy memories? Will I forever go through Easter with sorrow in my heart? Will I ever be able to look at my family and not wish for the same happiness that my sister and parents share?
I told Andrew the other day that should a divorce happen I cannot continue to work with him or be around him. It’s not his fault but every time I look at him I see Alyse, thus causing me to see Amie. If she walks away I cannot continue to experience the roller coaster of emotions but must begin to care for my own emotional and physical health.
I also told him to keep me accountable should Amie give our relationship a chance. I don’t want to be someone for a short time then resort back to someone else. I want to be who she needs in a husband 100% of the time, for the rest of our lives. I told him that I never want to pick up another cigarette or cigar, ever. I told him that I want him to make sure Amie and I are in church. I told him to make sure that I’m tithing and praying with and for Amie. He promised to keep me accountable for these things.
I asked Andrew the other day some questions about how I was feeling. I asked him if he thought it was weird that I don’t think I could ever sleep in the same bed and mattress that Amie and I shared ever again without her. He told me that one of our friends from high school, John, experienced the same exact feeling when his wife left him. He slept on the couch for months before finally getting a new bed. I cannot possibly sleep in it again without her. I am afraid to smell her body wash, find a hair, or touch what she has laid on. I will never sleep in that bed again without her beside me.
I find it odd that I don’t feel this way about any other furniture or belongings. This includes the brown couch, where she and I shared our last physically intimate moment... aside from holding her as we both fell asleep two nights in a row just within the last week I was in the house with her.
I desire to make new pictures with Amie. I desire to fill my mind and my heart with new memories of us. I desire to forever gaze into her eyes. I desire to someday see her in my children. I love her so much and miss her uncontrollably at times.
Since I’ve lived with my parents I’ve seen their joy. I’ve seen their love for one another. I’ve seen their service toward each other. I’ve heard them whispering to each other before they fall asleep. I desire the same with my wife.
I have also seen my father and mother both be cold towards each other at times. I’ve heard them say hurtful things to one another. It’s amazing how these things are so clear to me when they happen. I have told my father and mother both on several occasions not to treat the other like that. When my father complains about my mother’s persistence about a chore, I’ve told him to be proud that she loves him. When my mother complains about my father not doing the chore, I’ve told her to be proud that he loves her.
I have learned so many lessons since separating with Amie. I have learned how a seemingly innocent comment can be detrimental to one’s feelings. I have learned the power of praise and adoration.
My mother has made comments in the past about regrets. She made those statements in anger for something about my father. I have seen that despite their periods of anger they truly love one another. They don’t walk away from problems, but confront them. They truly love one another.
I wish that Amie would confront our issues together with me, rather than walk away from them. Yes I have wronged her, and I will forever be repentant and remorseful for those things. A few days ago I was having thought after thought of hurting myself. How much more repentant can I be if I’m considering such scary actions? I wish that she would see my heart... see my repentance.
I love my wife. Nothing can or ever will change that.
“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
-Ephesians 5:28
Divorce Journal Entry #50
April 13, 2007
3:17 pm
I went to the house this morning to grab a few things and my suitcase for my New York trip. It was hard driving down the street and entering the house. It was almost foreign to me.
I gathered the couple of things that I needed and then learned that I have no florist skills. I left eight dozen roses in the house again today. This makes for a total of 29 dozen roses that I’ve left or sent to her since our separation. I also left her some Reeses peanut butter cups because I know that she loves them. It doesn’t exactly help her dieting program, but hopefully it will make her feel a little better after her dentist nightmare. All I want is for her to smile when she sees what I left her.
She should be getting home around this time. I hope that acts like this do not anger her or push her away. I hope that she sees that I do things like this because I love her very much.
I know that acts like this alone will not fix the issues with our relationship. I only hope that it makes her smile and see how much I love her. I pray that she sees what she has in me and sees my intense desire to be who she needs me to be.
I have refused to close the “Be Nice to Amie” account. I don’t want to in any way give up hope that our relationship can be restored. Instead, I have continued to deposit money into that account. I hope to be able to bless her in the future with it.
I talked to someone a couple of weeks ago and told them that I am still holding on to hope that we can indeed have a miracle marriage. The person looked at me and told me, “well don’t bet on it.” I know that this person didn’t mean any harm, but it really upset me. I know that they are trying to protect my emotions and help me to move past what has happened. I have begun to emotionally prepare myself as much as I can for what she’s pushing for. Should that day come it won’t matter how much I’ve thought about it or tried to prepare myself for it... I will be crushed. My heart will officially be broken.
So I do the best I can to prepare myself should that day come. I still have hope because it’s important that I maintain faith, hope, and love. All three of these characteristics are vital for Christian growth and maturity.
I’m convinced that no amount of preparation will keep my head up if I have to sign finalization papers. But it’s a possibility; one I fear. On the other hand, if Amie told me that she was willing to try I wouldn’t have to prepare for my reaction. I can only imagine the immense weight lifted from my shoulders and the relief of the burden that I physically feel on my heart. I can only imagine that those words would fill me with an indescribable joy... one which would grant me a smile and tears simultaneously. How I long to experience hearing those words from her.
In the meantime, I prepare myself for what would be the worst day of my life... just in case.
I don’t care what she has done in the past. I don’t care about any wrongdoings that she has ever done to me. I don’t care what thoughts, feelings, dreams, or actions she may have had for another man. I don’t care about the enormous pain that has been caused by the last six weeks. I don’t care that I haven’t seen her for two weeks. I don’t care about the disappointments in checking my computer and phone for some communication from her and hearing nothing. I don’t care about any of those things... I care about my wife.
I have already forgiven her for past and future heartache and mistakes. Love is unconditional and unwavering. It always protects, always endures. It does not keep records of wrongs, but forgives them and works through them. It forces us to look deep into a person’s soul and find the person that we love... even when we are unlovable.
Love is a choice. I do not chose to be the judge and her the felon, but rather I chose to be a restorer. I chose to love her regardless of whether it’s reciprocated or not. Despite comments that some people have made about her in the last six weeks, she is my love. She is my life. She is my heartbeat. She is my breath of life. She is my wife, and I her husband. It’s not about those other people, but rather her and me.
When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she is excited, I am excited. When she is sick, I am sick. When she sings, I sing. When she dances, I dance. Despite the physical separation, we remain under the same stars, under the same covenant, under the same God. She and I are one.
I miss her terribly. I want to walk the dogs with her and feel them tug on the leash. I want to take her with me on my return trip to New York in June and see Hairspray with her. I want to turn with her in the middle of Times Square again. I want to go on day hikes with her. I want to hear her high-pitched scream as she plays with the dogs upon returning home from work. I want to hear her laugh and see the smile upon her face when I tell a stupid joke. I want to feel her small hand in mine again and cherish every moment of it. I want to hold her close to me as we watch our favorite shows together. I want to run my hand across her face while staring in her eyes. I want to feel the soft and passionate moisture of her lips against mine. I want to hear her stories about school and rejoice with her in her accomplishments. I want to pray with her and attend church with her. I want to learn to tithe as instructed with her. I want to surprise her with a picnic after church. I want to take photographs with her. I want to warm her side of the bed when the mattress is frigidly cold. I want to kiss her first thing in the morning even with morning breath and not flinch an ounce. I want to take dance lessons with her. I want to sing a duet with her. I want to be intimate with my wife, and not only in a sexual way but in a deeper more pure use of quality time. I want to kiss her neck again. I want to nibble on her ears again. I want to make love with my wife again. I want to go home to be with her and never leave her.
I miss seeing her knotted hair in the morning. I miss hearing her get ready for work. I miss preparing meals with her and sometimes for her. I miss her running her hands across my arms and telling me that I’m strong, despite my self-conscious feelings about my size. I miss her making jokes about my hairy butt. I miss her making fun of my sloth toe-nails. I miss her asking me what I want for dinner and having no idea. I miss being excited about her tacos and nachos combo. I miss looking into her eyes and seeing my future. I miss her ray of sunshine amidst the darkness in my life. I miss everything about my wife.
I love my wife so much. I desire nothing more than to get a chance to feel love reciprocated from her. I know that she is hesitant to believe that it can work, but I know it can. I know I can love her more than I ever have. I know that I can listen like I’ve never listened. I know that I can pray for and with her. I know that I can speak her languages. I know that I can be who she needs me to be. I know that I can be the pillar of strength that she needs in a husband. I know that I can do these things... not because she wants these things, but because I want to be them for her.
I desire to help my wife heal from my wrongdoings. I desire to regain and maintain the security of our relationship. I desire to sell our unwanted or unneeded possessions and start over. I desire to break the lease on the house with her. I desire to move with her to St. Louis. I desire to start anew. I desire to renew my vows with my wife. I desire to love her like she’s never been loved. I desire to write her a letter every day for the rest of our lives. I desire to sit and talk with her, uninterrupted, every day. I desire to grow old with her. I desire to die with her.
God please touch her. Let her hear you telling her how much I love and care for her. Plant within her a desire to try. God I know that with you nothing is impossible. You are the miracle-worker, the life-giver. Help her to see that our marriage can be resurrected and never return to its former life. May we find wholeness with you together and renew our love and vows for each other. Thank you for the beautiful picture of your marriage with the church, your bride. May we experience the same union that is only available through you.
I love Amie.
3:17 pm
I went to the house this morning to grab a few things and my suitcase for my New York trip. It was hard driving down the street and entering the house. It was almost foreign to me.
I gathered the couple of things that I needed and then learned that I have no florist skills. I left eight dozen roses in the house again today. This makes for a total of 29 dozen roses that I’ve left or sent to her since our separation. I also left her some Reeses peanut butter cups because I know that she loves them. It doesn’t exactly help her dieting program, but hopefully it will make her feel a little better after her dentist nightmare. All I want is for her to smile when she sees what I left her.
She should be getting home around this time. I hope that acts like this do not anger her or push her away. I hope that she sees that I do things like this because I love her very much.
I know that acts like this alone will not fix the issues with our relationship. I only hope that it makes her smile and see how much I love her. I pray that she sees what she has in me and sees my intense desire to be who she needs me to be.
I have refused to close the “Be Nice to Amie” account. I don’t want to in any way give up hope that our relationship can be restored. Instead, I have continued to deposit money into that account. I hope to be able to bless her in the future with it.
I talked to someone a couple of weeks ago and told them that I am still holding on to hope that we can indeed have a miracle marriage. The person looked at me and told me, “well don’t bet on it.” I know that this person didn’t mean any harm, but it really upset me. I know that they are trying to protect my emotions and help me to move past what has happened. I have begun to emotionally prepare myself as much as I can for what she’s pushing for. Should that day come it won’t matter how much I’ve thought about it or tried to prepare myself for it... I will be crushed. My heart will officially be broken.
So I do the best I can to prepare myself should that day come. I still have hope because it’s important that I maintain faith, hope, and love. All three of these characteristics are vital for Christian growth and maturity.
I’m convinced that no amount of preparation will keep my head up if I have to sign finalization papers. But it’s a possibility; one I fear. On the other hand, if Amie told me that she was willing to try I wouldn’t have to prepare for my reaction. I can only imagine the immense weight lifted from my shoulders and the relief of the burden that I physically feel on my heart. I can only imagine that those words would fill me with an indescribable joy... one which would grant me a smile and tears simultaneously. How I long to experience hearing those words from her.
In the meantime, I prepare myself for what would be the worst day of my life... just in case.
I don’t care what she has done in the past. I don’t care about any wrongdoings that she has ever done to me. I don’t care what thoughts, feelings, dreams, or actions she may have had for another man. I don’t care about the enormous pain that has been caused by the last six weeks. I don’t care that I haven’t seen her for two weeks. I don’t care about the disappointments in checking my computer and phone for some communication from her and hearing nothing. I don’t care about any of those things... I care about my wife.
I have already forgiven her for past and future heartache and mistakes. Love is unconditional and unwavering. It always protects, always endures. It does not keep records of wrongs, but forgives them and works through them. It forces us to look deep into a person’s soul and find the person that we love... even when we are unlovable.
Love is a choice. I do not chose to be the judge and her the felon, but rather I chose to be a restorer. I chose to love her regardless of whether it’s reciprocated or not. Despite comments that some people have made about her in the last six weeks, she is my love. She is my life. She is my heartbeat. She is my breath of life. She is my wife, and I her husband. It’s not about those other people, but rather her and me.
When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she is excited, I am excited. When she is sick, I am sick. When she sings, I sing. When she dances, I dance. Despite the physical separation, we remain under the same stars, under the same covenant, under the same God. She and I are one.
I miss her terribly. I want to walk the dogs with her and feel them tug on the leash. I want to take her with me on my return trip to New York in June and see Hairspray with her. I want to turn with her in the middle of Times Square again. I want to go on day hikes with her. I want to hear her high-pitched scream as she plays with the dogs upon returning home from work. I want to hear her laugh and see the smile upon her face when I tell a stupid joke. I want to feel her small hand in mine again and cherish every moment of it. I want to hold her close to me as we watch our favorite shows together. I want to run my hand across her face while staring in her eyes. I want to feel the soft and passionate moisture of her lips against mine. I want to hear her stories about school and rejoice with her in her accomplishments. I want to pray with her and attend church with her. I want to learn to tithe as instructed with her. I want to surprise her with a picnic after church. I want to take photographs with her. I want to warm her side of the bed when the mattress is frigidly cold. I want to kiss her first thing in the morning even with morning breath and not flinch an ounce. I want to take dance lessons with her. I want to sing a duet with her. I want to be intimate with my wife, and not only in a sexual way but in a deeper more pure use of quality time. I want to kiss her neck again. I want to nibble on her ears again. I want to make love with my wife again. I want to go home to be with her and never leave her.
I miss seeing her knotted hair in the morning. I miss hearing her get ready for work. I miss preparing meals with her and sometimes for her. I miss her running her hands across my arms and telling me that I’m strong, despite my self-conscious feelings about my size. I miss her making jokes about my hairy butt. I miss her making fun of my sloth toe-nails. I miss her asking me what I want for dinner and having no idea. I miss being excited about her tacos and nachos combo. I miss looking into her eyes and seeing my future. I miss her ray of sunshine amidst the darkness in my life. I miss everything about my wife.
I love my wife so much. I desire nothing more than to get a chance to feel love reciprocated from her. I know that she is hesitant to believe that it can work, but I know it can. I know I can love her more than I ever have. I know that I can listen like I’ve never listened. I know that I can pray for and with her. I know that I can speak her languages. I know that I can be who she needs me to be. I know that I can be the pillar of strength that she needs in a husband. I know that I can do these things... not because she wants these things, but because I want to be them for her.
I desire to help my wife heal from my wrongdoings. I desire to regain and maintain the security of our relationship. I desire to sell our unwanted or unneeded possessions and start over. I desire to break the lease on the house with her. I desire to move with her to St. Louis. I desire to start anew. I desire to renew my vows with my wife. I desire to love her like she’s never been loved. I desire to write her a letter every day for the rest of our lives. I desire to sit and talk with her, uninterrupted, every day. I desire to grow old with her. I desire to die with her.
God please touch her. Let her hear you telling her how much I love and care for her. Plant within her a desire to try. God I know that with you nothing is impossible. You are the miracle-worker, the life-giver. Help her to see that our marriage can be resurrected and never return to its former life. May we find wholeness with you together and renew our love and vows for each other. Thank you for the beautiful picture of your marriage with the church, your bride. May we experience the same union that is only available through you.
I love Amie.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #49
April 12, 2007
8:15 pm
I got my new phone in the mail yesterday. I loaded it with music that I used today while mowing. It was nice to not sit in silence with only my thoughts while the mower chugs away. Even with the distraction of the music and the mower I still constantly thought about Amie. I wonder what she’s doing. I wonder if she even slightly misses me.
I received an email from her this morning. She told me thank you for the painting and told me about her horrific experience at the dentist.
I want so badly to care for her right now. I want to make her meals, help her around the house, and take care of the dogs. I want to lighten her load so that she can relax as she’s experiencing the pain and sensitivity of the dental work.
I want to run my fingers through her hair as she lays her head across my lap. I want to scratch her back and set her at ease. I want to give her a massage and focus on her physical needs. I want to serve my wife.
Tomorrow I plan on going to the house to grab my suitcase for my trip to New York. I wonder if she’s mowed. The weather forecast is predicting rain all day tomorrow but if I wake early enough I might be able to beat the rain and mow for her.
I want to clean the house for her. Even though I haven’t seen her for nearly two weeks I want to unravel the cord on the vacuum cleaner and run it through the house for her. I want to dust, clean the stove, clean the white spots off of the mirrors. All of these things I want to do for her, but I’m afraid of going too far.
The counselor that I saw on Tuesday morning made an interesting statement. He told me that Amie is likely responding in one of three different ways to my letters, painting, mosaic, and words. One - She thinks I’m stalking her. Two - She is angered by the fact that I can’t just walk away from her. Three - She sees how much I love her and it could be making a positive impact.
I’m not sure which of these responses is most accurate. I’m sure the first one isn’t an issue, but believe that she could be angered by what I’m doing for her. She’s told me in the recent past not to spend any money on her, yet I continue. Love makes us sacrifice what we have, or in my case, what we don’t have for the benefit of the other. It took me three weeks to order a new phone at $40 for myself but dropping resources on twelve dozen roses comes so easily. I also have hope that these things are making a positive impact on her. I want nothing more than to be with her, and pray that she is beginning to feel the same about me.
In my letter that I mailed earlier this week I mentioned that I know our marriage could be a miracle marriage if she would just try. I know that I can meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. It seems silly that I can so affirmatively make this statement, but when I want nothing more than to be the man she needs it only makes sense that I would do anything and everything necessary to become that person. Thus, I know our marriage could be a testimony of God’s unfailing grace and mercy. But she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.
I sent a letter with the painting that I gave her. In it I made a statement that I would never hurt her again. I love her beyond belief and would rather die than put her through suffering, pain, or anguish ever again. I love her. I, again, can boldly say that I will never hurt her again. Again, she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.
Since she told me that she wanted a divorce I have thought at great length of what I will do should that time come. Even to the end, should it come, I will fight tooth and nail for our marriage. I will show her how much I love her, even if she’s unwilling to recognize it. Someday she will recount that I was kind, gentle, and loving to her throughout our separation and final divorce decree; should it come to that. I refused to be angry at her, bitter about the timing, or retaliatory... as most divorces are. I refused to give up and walk away as she seems to want me to do. I refused to be anything but caring and loving for her. May she see me for who I truly am.
It pains me to think of the possibility of an end to my marriage with her. I love Amie more than life itself. I cannot possibly imagine a life without her. I pray that she feels the same.
8:15 pm
I got my new phone in the mail yesterday. I loaded it with music that I used today while mowing. It was nice to not sit in silence with only my thoughts while the mower chugs away. Even with the distraction of the music and the mower I still constantly thought about Amie. I wonder what she’s doing. I wonder if she even slightly misses me.
I received an email from her this morning. She told me thank you for the painting and told me about her horrific experience at the dentist.
I want so badly to care for her right now. I want to make her meals, help her around the house, and take care of the dogs. I want to lighten her load so that she can relax as she’s experiencing the pain and sensitivity of the dental work.
I want to run my fingers through her hair as she lays her head across my lap. I want to scratch her back and set her at ease. I want to give her a massage and focus on her physical needs. I want to serve my wife.
Tomorrow I plan on going to the house to grab my suitcase for my trip to New York. I wonder if she’s mowed. The weather forecast is predicting rain all day tomorrow but if I wake early enough I might be able to beat the rain and mow for her.
I want to clean the house for her. Even though I haven’t seen her for nearly two weeks I want to unravel the cord on the vacuum cleaner and run it through the house for her. I want to dust, clean the stove, clean the white spots off of the mirrors. All of these things I want to do for her, but I’m afraid of going too far.
The counselor that I saw on Tuesday morning made an interesting statement. He told me that Amie is likely responding in one of three different ways to my letters, painting, mosaic, and words. One - She thinks I’m stalking her. Two - She is angered by the fact that I can’t just walk away from her. Three - She sees how much I love her and it could be making a positive impact.
I’m not sure which of these responses is most accurate. I’m sure the first one isn’t an issue, but believe that she could be angered by what I’m doing for her. She’s told me in the recent past not to spend any money on her, yet I continue. Love makes us sacrifice what we have, or in my case, what we don’t have for the benefit of the other. It took me three weeks to order a new phone at $40 for myself but dropping resources on twelve dozen roses comes so easily. I also have hope that these things are making a positive impact on her. I want nothing more than to be with her, and pray that she is beginning to feel the same about me.
In my letter that I mailed earlier this week I mentioned that I know our marriage could be a miracle marriage if she would just try. I know that I can meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. It seems silly that I can so affirmatively make this statement, but when I want nothing more than to be the man she needs it only makes sense that I would do anything and everything necessary to become that person. Thus, I know our marriage could be a testimony of God’s unfailing grace and mercy. But she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.
I sent a letter with the painting that I gave her. In it I made a statement that I would never hurt her again. I love her beyond belief and would rather die than put her through suffering, pain, or anguish ever again. I love her. I, again, can boldly say that I will never hurt her again. Again, she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.
Since she told me that she wanted a divorce I have thought at great length of what I will do should that time come. Even to the end, should it come, I will fight tooth and nail for our marriage. I will show her how much I love her, even if she’s unwilling to recognize it. Someday she will recount that I was kind, gentle, and loving to her throughout our separation and final divorce decree; should it come to that. I refused to be angry at her, bitter about the timing, or retaliatory... as most divorces are. I refused to give up and walk away as she seems to want me to do. I refused to be anything but caring and loving for her. May she see me for who I truly am.
It pains me to think of the possibility of an end to my marriage with her. I love Amie more than life itself. I cannot possibly imagine a life without her. I pray that she feels the same.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #48
April 11, 2007
6:24 pm
Today was a better day. I read 1 Corinthians 13:13 which talks about Faith, Hope, and Love. This is my guiding beacon in the darkness without Amie.
Amie told me in the recent past that she doesn’t want to give me a false sense of hope about our relationship. I made it clear that she cannot rob me of my hope. I have still have hope.
Through everything that has happened in the last five weeks I have tried to make every act for Amie an act of love. I love her more than anything and am acting upon that love when I speak with her or do something for her. I still have love.
I have learned who I really am through everything that has happened. I have faith in God not only for my salvation, but for healing, peace, and comfort. I have faith that God can work a miracle in my marriage. I have faith.
If I have these three things, how can I fail at life? I have failed in my marriage at times. I have failed employers at times. I have failed my family and closest friends at times. But in life I am not a failure, but rather a beautiful picture of God’s saving grace.
Andrew took Amie my painting tonight. I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I hope that she likes it and doesn’t destroy it. I pray that she sees the time and effort that was put into it. I hope that it is ever clearer to her how much she means to me. She is my life. I cannot imagine a life without her.
I love my wife.
6:24 pm
Today was a better day. I read 1 Corinthians 13:13 which talks about Faith, Hope, and Love. This is my guiding beacon in the darkness without Amie.
Amie told me in the recent past that she doesn’t want to give me a false sense of hope about our relationship. I made it clear that she cannot rob me of my hope. I have still have hope.
Through everything that has happened in the last five weeks I have tried to make every act for Amie an act of love. I love her more than anything and am acting upon that love when I speak with her or do something for her. I still have love.
I have learned who I really am through everything that has happened. I have faith in God not only for my salvation, but for healing, peace, and comfort. I have faith that God can work a miracle in my marriage. I have faith.
If I have these three things, how can I fail at life? I have failed in my marriage at times. I have failed employers at times. I have failed my family and closest friends at times. But in life I am not a failure, but rather a beautiful picture of God’s saving grace.
Andrew took Amie my painting tonight. I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I hope that she likes it and doesn’t destroy it. I pray that she sees the time and effort that was put into it. I hope that it is ever clearer to her how much she means to me. She is my life. I cannot imagine a life without her.
I love my wife.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #47
April 10, 2007
9:20 pm
Today was not a bad day.
I woke early and worked on the painting for Amie for about an hour before I got cleaned up and went and saw a counselor within the church. I spent two hours talking to him. It was nice to cry and share my heart with a listening ear.
Afterwards I was determined to finish my painting for Amie. This was my third painting, and by far the most difficult. Creating the text was tough, but the pinstriping was probably the hardest. Overall I’m very pleased with how it turned out. I hope that she sees the love and time that it took to make it for her.
Tonight I attended a Bible study group in midtown Tulsa, at a LifeChurch member’s house. We discussed the book of Ruth. There were several things about that story that I had never seen before that resounded to me.
We began discussing Naomi’s response when she returned to her home land. She says that God has cursed her and asked to be called by a name that means “bitter”. Some of the people in the group questioned Naomi’s heart for the Lord, but I totally understood her cries. The actual Hebrew word used by Naomi means that God has “done evil” to her. I can understand and relate to having that same thought and feeling within the last month at one time or another. She saw no reason to have hope and her world was filled with darkness.
She does, however, later in the book praise the Lord for what Boaz is doing. She finally saw a ray of sunshine in her dark world. Her heart wasn’t in the wrong place, she was human. She had difficulty accepting the circumstances behind her losses but was quick to praise the Lord at the first glimmer of hope.
And how amazing is it that Ruth, a woman who seemed to have no reason to find hope, became part of the lineage that ultimately brought hope to the world.
What a great picture of how we come to God and lie at His feet to be accepted and redeemed... just as Boaz redeemed Ruth.
In my darkness I know that there is light and hope somewhere. May God redeem me and help me to find healing in a cancerous world.
9:20 pm
Today was not a bad day.
I woke early and worked on the painting for Amie for about an hour before I got cleaned up and went and saw a counselor within the church. I spent two hours talking to him. It was nice to cry and share my heart with a listening ear.
Afterwards I was determined to finish my painting for Amie. This was my third painting, and by far the most difficult. Creating the text was tough, but the pinstriping was probably the hardest. Overall I’m very pleased with how it turned out. I hope that she sees the love and time that it took to make it for her.
Tonight I attended a Bible study group in midtown Tulsa, at a LifeChurch member’s house. We discussed the book of Ruth. There were several things about that story that I had never seen before that resounded to me.
We began discussing Naomi’s response when she returned to her home land. She says that God has cursed her and asked to be called by a name that means “bitter”. Some of the people in the group questioned Naomi’s heart for the Lord, but I totally understood her cries. The actual Hebrew word used by Naomi means that God has “done evil” to her. I can understand and relate to having that same thought and feeling within the last month at one time or another. She saw no reason to have hope and her world was filled with darkness.
She does, however, later in the book praise the Lord for what Boaz is doing. She finally saw a ray of sunshine in her dark world. Her heart wasn’t in the wrong place, she was human. She had difficulty accepting the circumstances behind her losses but was quick to praise the Lord at the first glimmer of hope.
And how amazing is it that Ruth, a woman who seemed to have no reason to find hope, became part of the lineage that ultimately brought hope to the world.
What a great picture of how we come to God and lie at His feet to be accepted and redeemed... just as Boaz redeemed Ruth.
In my darkness I know that there is light and hope somewhere. May God redeem me and help me to find healing in a cancerous world.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Divorce Journal Entry #46
April 7, 2007
5:56 am
I abandoned the journal for awhile as I’ve found therapy in several other activities. But I have some thoughts that I wanted to collect.
I’ve spent the last several hours deep in the valley in terms of the roller coaster of emotions I’m experiencing. I truly feel unloved by my wife... and it hurts.
My in-laws are at my house as we speak. They’ve been there for just over a day so far. Andrew dropped me off from mowing yesterday and went to my house to visit with them. Amie, of course, is there. I told Andrew to enjoy my house sarcastically while inside I was crying out. I didn’t ask for this separation, but instead have been outspoken against it. I continue to do acts of love for Amie, but feel ignored. I want so badly to hear her say that she loves me but every time I check my email or phone, nothing. Yet they all sit at my house, watching my tv, sitting on my couch, playing cards on my table. They laugh as they play games, tell jokes, and have meals together; while I sit in the dark with a hood over my head from the cold.
She told me a few weeks ago that her family didn’t even want her to marry me. She may have intended no harm, but that statement hurt me. Does she think that my family was excited about me marrying her? Don’t get me wrong, my family loves her to death, but they didn’t support my decision either. But I left my family to join in union with her. Every time I was having issues with Amie my parents would immediately tell me to go be with her and work things out. They didn’t care who was right and who was wrong. It was about me and my wife... no one else. They recognized the need for me to patch my relationship with her and not walk away. Yet, I feel as if I am not receiving the same courtesy from her family. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t heard a word from them; despite sending a birthday package and them being in town. I love her family regardless of how they feel towards me or what they do to me.
Does she not see that I love her, or does she not care? I’m not sure which is worse. She has said that she needed me to be more repentant in the past for what I’d done. She’s talked about Jamin and how he fell on his face before Christy in repentance. I truly was and am sorry for what I’ve done to Amie. I know that I should have shown more repentance in the past, but does she not see that I’m broken for what I’ve done to her? Does she care? I will admit that I should have been more sympathetic and repentant in the past about what happened, but I believe it is more important that I have come to her and cried before her in remorse... even if it was months later. I haven’t shrugged it off, but rather have shown deep sorrow and regret for my past actions. Can she not see that or is she just angry at me? I pray that she sees my repentant heart, forgives me, and allows me to help her heal... instead of just walking away from me.
I’m just so tired. I’m tired of working so hard just to make a dollar. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of loving but not feeling loved. I’m tired of not hearing from my wife. I’m tired of my wife not desiring me. I’m tired of feeling crushed inside. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of crying. At times I’m tired of breathing.
I told a counselor last week that I’m too chicken to hurt myself. While I believe this to be true, I just want my pain to stop. This weekend my mind has been flooded with thoughts of hurting myself, which scares me. I want to feel recognized, loved, and desired by Amie... that’s all.
She’s told me in the recent past that when our marriage was in trouble she told herself that she would make the marriage work or die trying. I’m extremely proud that she stood strong then, but what about today? Can’t she see that I love her immensely, yet she turns a cold shoulder and gives up. It doesn’t make any sense to me... no matter how hard I try.
Well, I guess now I’m seeing it from her perspective. I’m going to continue to do everything I can to show her how much I love her and make this marriage work, or die trying.
5:56 am
I abandoned the journal for awhile as I’ve found therapy in several other activities. But I have some thoughts that I wanted to collect.
I’ve spent the last several hours deep in the valley in terms of the roller coaster of emotions I’m experiencing. I truly feel unloved by my wife... and it hurts.
My in-laws are at my house as we speak. They’ve been there for just over a day so far. Andrew dropped me off from mowing yesterday and went to my house to visit with them. Amie, of course, is there. I told Andrew to enjoy my house sarcastically while inside I was crying out. I didn’t ask for this separation, but instead have been outspoken against it. I continue to do acts of love for Amie, but feel ignored. I want so badly to hear her say that she loves me but every time I check my email or phone, nothing. Yet they all sit at my house, watching my tv, sitting on my couch, playing cards on my table. They laugh as they play games, tell jokes, and have meals together; while I sit in the dark with a hood over my head from the cold.
She told me a few weeks ago that her family didn’t even want her to marry me. She may have intended no harm, but that statement hurt me. Does she think that my family was excited about me marrying her? Don’t get me wrong, my family loves her to death, but they didn’t support my decision either. But I left my family to join in union with her. Every time I was having issues with Amie my parents would immediately tell me to go be with her and work things out. They didn’t care who was right and who was wrong. It was about me and my wife... no one else. They recognized the need for me to patch my relationship with her and not walk away. Yet, I feel as if I am not receiving the same courtesy from her family. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t heard a word from them; despite sending a birthday package and them being in town. I love her family regardless of how they feel towards me or what they do to me.
Does she not see that I love her, or does she not care? I’m not sure which is worse. She has said that she needed me to be more repentant in the past for what I’d done. She’s talked about Jamin and how he fell on his face before Christy in repentance. I truly was and am sorry for what I’ve done to Amie. I know that I should have shown more repentance in the past, but does she not see that I’m broken for what I’ve done to her? Does she care? I will admit that I should have been more sympathetic and repentant in the past about what happened, but I believe it is more important that I have come to her and cried before her in remorse... even if it was months later. I haven’t shrugged it off, but rather have shown deep sorrow and regret for my past actions. Can she not see that or is she just angry at me? I pray that she sees my repentant heart, forgives me, and allows me to help her heal... instead of just walking away from me.
I’m just so tired. I’m tired of working so hard just to make a dollar. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of loving but not feeling loved. I’m tired of not hearing from my wife. I’m tired of my wife not desiring me. I’m tired of feeling crushed inside. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of crying. At times I’m tired of breathing.
I told a counselor last week that I’m too chicken to hurt myself. While I believe this to be true, I just want my pain to stop. This weekend my mind has been flooded with thoughts of hurting myself, which scares me. I want to feel recognized, loved, and desired by Amie... that’s all.
She’s told me in the recent past that when our marriage was in trouble she told herself that she would make the marriage work or die trying. I’m extremely proud that she stood strong then, but what about today? Can’t she see that I love her immensely, yet she turns a cold shoulder and gives up. It doesn’t make any sense to me... no matter how hard I try.
Well, I guess now I’m seeing it from her perspective. I’m going to continue to do everything I can to show her how much I love her and make this marriage work, or die trying.
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