Divorce Journal Entry #56

10:26 am

This morning church was difficult. The message was on love.

“You are my hiding place
You will always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You.”

I want to be strong in this time of weakness.

We talked about the difference between the types of love. We specifically, as God’s children, are to be filled with agape love, or unconditional love. The question then was posed, how do we love the unloved and the unlovable. The first thought that entered my mind was that I am the unloved.

I know that my family loves me. I know that God loves me. But the love that I crave the most, the love from my wife, I don’t feel. I desire to feel her unconditional and restoring love. I want her to wake each day and chose to love me again. I felt very lonely in that room surrounded by young parents, couples, and pregnant women. How can they understand my feelings and hurt? They cannot.

I said a few journals earlier that I have already forgiven my wife of her past mistakes and failures. I have already forgiven her of what I believe to be unintentional emotional damage that she has caused me. I have already forgiven her of anything that she has, can, or will do to me today and tomorrow. I will always forgive my wife and love my wife, regardless of the magnitude of the wrongdoing. I love her unconditionally.

I will fight for my wife’s love until the gloves are stripped from my hands. I will stand in this darkness praying for a glimmer of sunshine until my legs give way. I will desire my wife and my wife alone until God replaces that desire. I will love my wife forever and will never falter.

I have said in the recent past that everyone has a breaking point. Fortunately I have not seen mine yet. But I fear that it is on the horizon. God please restore the peace and joy that only you can restore. Bless me, your child, who seeks your healing touch. God I know that divorce hurts you. Help Amie to see the restoration that you can provide to our marriage. Thank you for your mercy and your grace.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”