Divorce Journal Entry #57

April 16, 2007
6:51 am

I saw Amie last night for 56 minutes. I hadn’t seen her in nearly two and a half weeks. She looked so beautiful. I found peace for that 56 minutes that I was with her. We filled the time with small talk. Before I left I told her that I would be returning to New York in June and made a comment that she would be out of school by that time; implying that she could join me on my return trip. She then replied, “it won’t happen Mike.” Why do I continue to make statements or ask her questions that I know will hurt me? Hope.

Church last night was incredible. LifeChurch is having a series that they’re calling MixTape. They are taking modern secular songs and using the lyrics and words to teach a scriptural message. Last night I felt the touch of God.

The title of the message last night was “Saving a Life” based upon the a song by The Frey titled “How To Save A Life.” The song indirectly deals with us reaching out to those we know who are hurting and intervening before they do something that cannot be reversed. I cannot stop watching the message on the internet at LifeChurch.tv.

They lyrics to the song are very powerful.

That pastor told a personal story about a friend of his that he grew up with. He said that one day he and this friend got into an argument and split ways. He said that they didn’t talk for two months, then one day God laid his friend on his heart. He felt that he needed to contact his friend. He decided that after church, then dinner, then family time he would call his friend. That night, after doing all of those things as he called his friend’s wife answered the phone. She said that she had just gotten home to find him dead in the house. He had killed himself.

The scripture associated with the message last night was Mark 2:1-12. It is the story of the four friends that lower the paralytic through the roof to get to Jesus. He talked about the loyalty of those friends and their determination to save their friend.

I am so thankful for those people who are close to me that know these thoughts and feelings that I’m having.

I have spent some time talking with Andrew about the dreams and thoughts that I’ve been having. He has been so caring for me and tells me how much he loves me. He told me that he has shared my issues with Alyse and I can feel her prayers.

I have spent time talking with Tobi about the dreams and thoughts. Tobi has been broken on the phone upon hearing these things. He has been quick to answer the phone and uplift me at every opportunity. Sarah knows as well. She told me last night that she is praying for me so much. They, too, tell me in every conversation how much they love me.

I talked to Jamie and Angie last night about these dreams and thoughts. They offered encouragement and kind words. Angie told me last night that I was on her heart all week because she just doesn’t know how much more I can take. They hug me every time they see me. They, also, tell me that they love me.

What a great group of people that I call friends. They don’t view me as crazy but rather as a believer who is struggling. They offer their prayers, kind words, and presence. They have no idea how much I appreciate them.

I wish I could tell Amie how I’m feeling. I fear that she would think I’m crazy or become angry with me. I love her and very literally have believed my vow... a life without her is in fact no life at all.

God please forgive me of all of my stains, impurities, and wrongdoing. Heal me of my unrighteousness. Then God please heal me of my mind. You healed the paralytic first of his sin then of his crippling disease. Deliver me O God.