Divorce Journal Entry #58

April 17, 2007
6:40 pm

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I woke this morning and called a doctor to try to get an appointment today. I scheduled an appointment for this afternoon at 2:30 pm.

I worked this morning to cut down and remove two trees. The entire time I was there I was listening to the music on my phone. Some of the songs were very soothing while others made my mind race back to Amie. This morning I downloaded the song from church last night “How To Save A Life”. I listened to this song over and over and found peace. Each time I heard it I thought of all of my friends who I’ve told of my struggles and scary thoughts. I am so thankful for them and their unconditional love. They have not judged me but rather have prayed for me, told me that they love me, reassured me of my worth, and hugged me. Personal touch has spoken more to me than any words and those who are able to have extended their hands.

After working I got cleaned up to go see the doctor. My nerves were on edge; afraid of what the doctor might say or do with me. I left the house and headed into Tulsa with several hours before my appointment.

I went to a guitar store and must have looked like I had no clue. I met a salesman there. I told him that I have never played an instrument, besides the spoons, but that I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. I told him about what has happened recently and how I believe in the power of music. I made it clear to him that I was there spontaneously seeking a therapeutic activity.

He showed me around the store and asked me what type of guitar I wanted. I told him that I wanted either an acoustic or an acoustic-electric guitar. He showed me several of the beginner guitars. He had me sit on a stool and brought the guitars to me. He showed me the basic positioning and told me that only I can decide which guitar feels the best to me. It was so nice to have someone just tell me to be still and then help me. Inside I was smiling finally.

He gave me a crash course in posture, hand positioning, and strokes. He taught me a few keys and we then began to talk. After several minutes of just talking he told me to show him those keys again... and I did it! What a remarkable feeling!

I purchased a guitar and he threw in the hard case, tuner, strap, and beginner’s book. It felt so great to walk out of the store carrying the case and putting it in the truck. The smell of the leather case was so warm. I then headed to the hospital in Sapulpa for my appointment.

I got to the hospital and grabbed my guitar case. The salesman told me that where I go the guitar goes. He explained the need for it to be away from extreme temperatures, moisture, etc. So I took it inside the hospital with me. Let’s just say I had some extremely strange glances. I walked through the door in the office, walked straight to the window, and set the case down in order to sign-in and fill out the paperwork.

After several minutes the nurse came and got me out of the lobby. I grabbed my case and walked inside. She laughed and asked me if I was there to see the doctor or to serenade her. I laughed and told her that she doesn’t want me to even try to play cause I have no idea what I’m doing yet.

She led me into the room where I sat down the case and then sat on the examination table. She asked me what was going on. I took a deep breath and started at the beginning with losing my job. I told her everything and how it was effecting me. I told her about my dream Saturday morning. I fought tears the entire time, but finally broke down. She leaned forward and gave me a hug and said that it was okay... that they would help me.

She was in her mid 30's. She told me that five years ago her husband died of a heart attack in her arms. She told me that she grieved for a few years afterwards. She told me that she would swing from anger to happiness, sadness to joyfulness at the drop of a dime. She told me that she finally got to a point where she was able to place her feelings into a separate memory bank and file it in her memory... but that she continued to find life.

She told me that someday I would do the same thing, but that my feelings and emotions were normal reactions. She affirmed my belief that everyone has their breaking point where they finally need medical help. She told me that I’m not crazy or abnormal, but human... just like everyone else. She told me that when I was ready that I would be happy with who I am again and would find life again. She then told me that I am a “gorgeous man”. I laughed and said, “even though I’m just skin and bones?” She laughed and said that most women would find me extremely attractive and would “fatten me up” in due time.

I hate the thought of considering any other woman besides my wife. I have said since our separation that I find it repulsive to think of another woman... and I do. It sickens me. But the words that she said to me were so kind. I needed that affirmation of who I am.

She then opened the door to the examining room and left, leaving the door open. She came back a few moments later and shut the door. I then heard her outside of the room talking to another nurse. They were talking about how I was “gorgeous”. Thank you God for giving me that boost in my confidence.

The doctor came in shortly thereafter. I told him everything from the beginning. I told him about the thoughts I had been having and about my dream. I was so afraid of what he would say to me. But, he told me that I was human and having a normal reaction. I told him that I was seeing a Christian counselor but that I felt that I needed medical help as well. He listened to me longer than any doctor I’ve ever seen before. He then prescribed me two medications... one to take the edge off and the other to help me rest with a clear mind.

Before leaving the doctor told me that I would be getting a shot. Now I must admit, I don’t like shots. The nurse from earlier came in and I asked her where she would be administering the shot. She said “in your best place.” I laughed and said, “my arm?” She told me to bend over and without any soothing words, preparation, or even a countdown stuck me in the rear. I almost jumped over the table! She told me that the shot would help my system not go into shock upon taking the medication for the first few times. That it would prep my system for what was to come.
I felt like I was gonna puke after the shot but left. I met up with Jamie and Angie at the park in Sapulpa and played frisbee with Jamie for a few minutes. I proudly showed off my new guitar.

After returning to the house I grabbed the beginner’s book and sat down to begin learning. My mother came upstairs and saw what I was doing. She came in and sat down and began to teach me about musical notes and chords. God thank you that my family is recognizing my pain and giving me their time and attention that I so desperately need.

I’m thrilled to have an unchartered hobby that I can work on. As soon as I can read the music and know what to do with my left hand I want to learn the song from church last night that I’ve listened to dozens of times.

I’m worried about taking my first bit of medication here within the next hour. Then it will be chased with the second prescription. Anti-depressants work most of the time, but sometimes throw people into an even greater depression. I’m so scared of sinking any lower. I don’t feel like I can handle being any lower. God please let this ease my pain.

God thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for the few times that I smiled today. Thank you for the kind and compassionate words of some people today. Thank you so much for my friends who have acted as the four men that lowered their friend to Jesus in Mark 2. They have been an incredible support group. Bless them as they have blessed me. Touch my wife. I love her so much. God please give me a refreshing trip to New York. Please clear my mind of all my distress and let me leave it in Oklahoma.