Divorce Journal Entry #50

April 13, 2007
3:17 pm

I went to the house this morning to grab a few things and my suitcase for my New York trip. It was hard driving down the street and entering the house. It was almost foreign to me.

I gathered the couple of things that I needed and then learned that I have no florist skills. I left eight dozen roses in the house again today. This makes for a total of 29 dozen roses that I’ve left or sent to her since our separation. I also left her some Reeses peanut butter cups because I know that she loves them. It doesn’t exactly help her dieting program, but hopefully it will make her feel a little better after her dentist nightmare. All I want is for her to smile when she sees what I left her.

She should be getting home around this time. I hope that acts like this do not anger her or push her away. I hope that she sees that I do things like this because I love her very much.

I know that acts like this alone will not fix the issues with our relationship. I only hope that it makes her smile and see how much I love her. I pray that she sees what she has in me and sees my intense desire to be who she needs me to be.

I have refused to close the “Be Nice to Amie” account. I don’t want to in any way give up hope that our relationship can be restored. Instead, I have continued to deposit money into that account. I hope to be able to bless her in the future with it.

I talked to someone a couple of weeks ago and told them that I am still holding on to hope that we can indeed have a miracle marriage. The person looked at me and told me, “well don’t bet on it.” I know that this person didn’t mean any harm, but it really upset me. I know that they are trying to protect my emotions and help me to move past what has happened. I have begun to emotionally prepare myself as much as I can for what she’s pushing for. Should that day come it won’t matter how much I’ve thought about it or tried to prepare myself for it... I will be crushed. My heart will officially be broken.

So I do the best I can to prepare myself should that day come. I still have hope because it’s important that I maintain faith, hope, and love. All three of these characteristics are vital for Christian growth and maturity.

I’m convinced that no amount of preparation will keep my head up if I have to sign finalization papers. But it’s a possibility; one I fear. On the other hand, if Amie told me that she was willing to try I wouldn’t have to prepare for my reaction. I can only imagine the immense weight lifted from my shoulders and the relief of the burden that I physically feel on my heart. I can only imagine that those words would fill me with an indescribable joy... one which would grant me a smile and tears simultaneously. How I long to experience hearing those words from her.

In the meantime, I prepare myself for what would be the worst day of my life... just in case.

I don’t care what she has done in the past. I don’t care about any wrongdoings that she has ever done to me. I don’t care what thoughts, feelings, dreams, or actions she may have had for another man. I don’t care about the enormous pain that has been caused by the last six weeks. I don’t care that I haven’t seen her for two weeks. I don’t care about the disappointments in checking my computer and phone for some communication from her and hearing nothing. I don’t care about any of those things... I care about my wife.

I have already forgiven her for past and future heartache and mistakes. Love is unconditional and unwavering. It always protects, always endures. It does not keep records of wrongs, but forgives them and works through them. It forces us to look deep into a person’s soul and find the person that we love... even when we are unlovable.

Love is a choice. I do not chose to be the judge and her the felon, but rather I chose to be a restorer. I chose to love her regardless of whether it’s reciprocated or not. Despite comments that some people have made about her in the last six weeks, she is my love. She is my life. She is my heartbeat. She is my breath of life. She is my wife, and I her husband. It’s not about those other people, but rather her and me.

When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she is excited, I am excited. When she is sick, I am sick. When she sings, I sing. When she dances, I dance. Despite the physical separation, we remain under the same stars, under the same covenant, under the same God. She and I are one.

I miss her terribly. I want to walk the dogs with her and feel them tug on the leash. I want to take her with me on my return trip to New York in June and see Hairspray with her. I want to turn with her in the middle of Times Square again. I want to go on day hikes with her. I want to hear her high-pitched scream as she plays with the dogs upon returning home from work. I want to hear her laugh and see the smile upon her face when I tell a stupid joke. I want to feel her small hand in mine again and cherish every moment of it. I want to hold her close to me as we watch our favorite shows together. I want to run my hand across her face while staring in her eyes. I want to feel the soft and passionate moisture of her lips against mine. I want to hear her stories about school and rejoice with her in her accomplishments. I want to pray with her and attend church with her. I want to learn to tithe as instructed with her. I want to surprise her with a picnic after church. I want to take photographs with her. I want to warm her side of the bed when the mattress is frigidly cold. I want to kiss her first thing in the morning even with morning breath and not flinch an ounce. I want to take dance lessons with her. I want to sing a duet with her. I want to be intimate with my wife, and not only in a sexual way but in a deeper more pure use of quality time. I want to kiss her neck again. I want to nibble on her ears again. I want to make love with my wife again. I want to go home to be with her and never leave her.

I miss seeing her knotted hair in the morning. I miss hearing her get ready for work. I miss preparing meals with her and sometimes for her. I miss her running her hands across my arms and telling me that I’m strong, despite my self-conscious feelings about my size. I miss her making jokes about my hairy butt. I miss her making fun of my sloth toe-nails. I miss her asking me what I want for dinner and having no idea. I miss being excited about her tacos and nachos combo. I miss looking into her eyes and seeing my future. I miss her ray of sunshine amidst the darkness in my life. I miss everything about my wife.

I love my wife so much. I desire nothing more than to get a chance to feel love reciprocated from her. I know that she is hesitant to believe that it can work, but I know it can. I know I can love her more than I ever have. I know that I can listen like I’ve never listened. I know that I can pray for and with her. I know that I can speak her languages. I know that I can be who she needs me to be. I know that I can be the pillar of strength that she needs in a husband. I know that I can do these things... not because she wants these things, but because I want to be them for her.

I desire to help my wife heal from my wrongdoings. I desire to regain and maintain the security of our relationship. I desire to sell our unwanted or unneeded possessions and start over. I desire to break the lease on the house with her. I desire to move with her to St. Louis. I desire to start anew. I desire to renew my vows with my wife. I desire to love her like she’s never been loved. I desire to write her a letter every day for the rest of our lives. I desire to sit and talk with her, uninterrupted, every day. I desire to grow old with her. I desire to die with her.

God please touch her. Let her hear you telling her how much I love and care for her. Plant within her a desire to try. God I know that with you nothing is impossible. You are the miracle-worker, the life-giver. Help her to see that our marriage can be resurrected and never return to its former life. May we find wholeness with you together and renew our love and vows for each other. Thank you for the beautiful picture of your marriage with the church, your bride. May we experience the same union that is only available through you.

I love Amie.