Divorce Journal Entry #46

April 7, 2007
5:56 am

I abandoned the journal for awhile as I’ve found therapy in several other activities. But I have some thoughts that I wanted to collect.

I’ve spent the last several hours deep in the valley in terms of the roller coaster of emotions I’m experiencing. I truly feel unloved by my wife... and it hurts.

My in-laws are at my house as we speak. They’ve been there for just over a day so far. Andrew dropped me off from mowing yesterday and went to my house to visit with them. Amie, of course, is there. I told Andrew to enjoy my house sarcastically while inside I was crying out. I didn’t ask for this separation, but instead have been outspoken against it. I continue to do acts of love for Amie, but feel ignored. I want so badly to hear her say that she loves me but every time I check my email or phone, nothing. Yet they all sit at my house, watching my tv, sitting on my couch, playing cards on my table. They laugh as they play games, tell jokes, and have meals together; while I sit in the dark with a hood over my head from the cold.

She told me a few weeks ago that her family didn’t even want her to marry me. She may have intended no harm, but that statement hurt me. Does she think that my family was excited about me marrying her? Don’t get me wrong, my family loves her to death, but they didn’t support my decision either. But I left my family to join in union with her. Every time I was having issues with Amie my parents would immediately tell me to go be with her and work things out. They didn’t care who was right and who was wrong. It was about me and my wife... no one else. They recognized the need for me to patch my relationship with her and not walk away. Yet, I feel as if I am not receiving the same courtesy from her family. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t heard a word from them; despite sending a birthday package and them being in town. I love her family regardless of how they feel towards me or what they do to me.

Does she not see that I love her, or does she not care? I’m not sure which is worse. She has said that she needed me to be more repentant in the past for what I’d done. She’s talked about Jamin and how he fell on his face before Christy in repentance. I truly was and am sorry for what I’ve done to Amie. I know that I should have shown more repentance in the past, but does she not see that I’m broken for what I’ve done to her? Does she care? I will admit that I should have been more sympathetic and repentant in the past about what happened, but I believe it is more important that I have come to her and cried before her in remorse... even if it was months later. I haven’t shrugged it off, but rather have shown deep sorrow and regret for my past actions. Can she not see that or is she just angry at me? I pray that she sees my repentant heart, forgives me, and allows me to help her heal... instead of just walking away from me.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired of working so hard just to make a dollar. I’m tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of loving but not feeling loved. I’m tired of not hearing from my wife. I’m tired of my wife not desiring me. I’m tired of feeling crushed inside. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of crying. At times I’m tired of breathing.

I told a counselor last week that I’m too chicken to hurt myself. While I believe this to be true, I just want my pain to stop. This weekend my mind has been flooded with thoughts of hurting myself, which scares me. I want to feel recognized, loved, and desired by Amie... that’s all.

She’s told me in the recent past that when our marriage was in trouble she told herself that she would make the marriage work or die trying. I’m extremely proud that she stood strong then, but what about today? Can’t she see that I love her immensely, yet she turns a cold shoulder and gives up. It doesn’t make any sense to me... no matter how hard I try.

Well, I guess now I’m seeing it from her perspective. I’m going to continue to do everything I can to show her how much I love her and make this marriage work, or die trying.