Divorce Journal Entry #53

1:51 pm

Yesterday I left flowers at the house for Amie. I sent her an email that said that I’d love to see her this weekend before I leave for New York. I asked her to call me and let me know if it would be possible. I still have yet to hear from her. So I sit here in front of the computer spinning my wedding ring that rests on my finger.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of bleeding emotionally. I’m tired of the disappointment of not hearing from her. I’m tired of loving, yet feeling unloved by the one who vowed to love me. I’m tired of trying to resuscitate a relationship that has died against my will. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m so tired of not feeling desired. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the weight that I literally feel on my heart. I’m tired of joy eluding me. I’m tired of walking through hell. I’m tired of the pain.

How ironic that my source of joy is also the source of my pain.

God please save me from my pain. How long must I live in this darkness? How long O Lord must I have sorrow in my heart. I beg for a chance with my wife but it seems that it’s falling on deaf ears. How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? Bring light to my eyes God or I will live in darkness. I’m dying inside. I’m so tired.

Happiness. Is it just a pursuit or can someone actually attain happiness? Why does it seem to elude me. Peace. Is it something that is only available to the unstained? Why can’t I sleep a single night without restlessness? Joy. Is true joy impossible? Why can’t I smile without the thought that I’m merely covering up my pain? Love. Is it only hurtful? How can love cause so much pain?

God your word says that love bears all things and endures all things. It says that it keeps no record of wrongs. Why does this strike me right now as a painful misconception? Why doesn’t my relationship with my wife personify those attributes? My love is hurting me beyond measure.

God I want to sing, but my voice is hoarse. I want to raise my hands, but I don’t have the strength. I want to fall on my face, but know that I can’t get up. I want to come home God. Deliver me from the darkness that I call life.

Bring light to my eyes O God. Hold me in your precious arms. Whisper in my ears words of affirmation and peace. May I experience true happiness, peace, joy, and love that only You can provide. Please work a miracle in my life and in my relationship with my wife.

I love my wife, but she deserves better than me.