Divorce Journal Entry #55

April 15, 2007
6:27 am

I heard from Amie last night after I finished my last journal. We talked for 24 minutes. Although it was difficult to talk to her, for 24 minutes I had peace. The phone rang and I saw who it was. My heart skipped a beat and I nervously answered the phone. I want so desperately to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid that I won’t hear from her again for days if I tell her. I think that I kept talking so long because I was afraid to hang up... afraid to not hear her again for several days.

I asked her if I could see her before I left. She was silent for several seconds. It was hard for me to hear her hesitation, but she finally told me that I could come by the house after church for a few minutes. I’m so nervous to see her.

I went to sleep last night only to have another restless night of sleep. I woke several times because I was nervous about what to say to her and how to act. I want so badly to get on my knees before her and tell her that I’m sorry for what I’d done. I want to ask her to give our marriage a chance because I know that it can work. Again, not because she wants me to be somebody, but because I want to be the man that she needs. I want to tell her about how much money I’ve saved and tell her that I want to start afresh with her in St. Louis. I want to leave all of our bad memories and pain in Oklahoma and be renewed. I want to remarry my wife, burying the past. I want to tell her that I will forever meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs... and never hurt her again. I’m afraid, however, that talking to her about it might push her further away. So I will be prayerful today as to how I’m supposed to act and what I’m supposed to say.

I woke early this morning after having a nightmare. In my nightmare I found myself in a dark building that resembled a barn. There were what appeared to be animal corpses hung in various places from the rafters. I then saw a dark dreary figure. My mind then raced with several scary images of myself. I called out in my dream to the figure and asked him who he was. The figure then howled “Suicide”.

I woke in panic and began to pray. I hate having such thoughts and dreams, but they are becoming more frequent. How much more repentant can I be of what I’ve done to her that I’m having such thoughts? God please heal me. Remind me of your unconditional love and unending grace. May my marriage exemplify those same attributes. May Amie chose to love as she vowed rather than judge. I love my wife.

I’m going to begin to be fervent at tithing starting today. I’ve never been real consistent on giving God part of my financial life. I know that God requires it from us, but it’s scary to give when there are so many unknowns in my life right now and not much to give. God please grant me a generous and unwavering heart. May I give with a joyful spirit.

I have decided to fast today. I have never fasted in the past, but want to spend the day deep in thought and prayer. I want to know what to say and how to be tonight in front of Amie. I want to learn your truths God and find your peace and healing. Touch me today.