Divorce Journal Entry #51

9:24 pm

I was sitting at the computer listening to music while looking through documents and pictures on the computer.

It occurred to me that nearly every picture I have includes Amie. Though I love the memories that I share with her, my heart is filled with sadness.

If she should continue to walk away from me how long will it take for me to make new pictures and make new happy memories? Will I forever go through Easter with sorrow in my heart? Will I ever be able to look at my family and not wish for the same happiness that my sister and parents share?

I told Andrew the other day that should a divorce happen I cannot continue to work with him or be around him. It’s not his fault but every time I look at him I see Alyse, thus causing me to see Amie. If she walks away I cannot continue to experience the roller coaster of emotions but must begin to care for my own emotional and physical health.

I also told him to keep me accountable should Amie give our relationship a chance. I don’t want to be someone for a short time then resort back to someone else. I want to be who she needs in a husband 100% of the time, for the rest of our lives. I told him that I never want to pick up another cigarette or cigar, ever. I told him that I want him to make sure Amie and I are in church. I told him to make sure that I’m tithing and praying with and for Amie. He promised to keep me accountable for these things.

I asked Andrew the other day some questions about how I was feeling. I asked him if he thought it was weird that I don’t think I could ever sleep in the same bed and mattress that Amie and I shared ever again without her. He told me that one of our friends from high school, John, experienced the same exact feeling when his wife left him. He slept on the couch for months before finally getting a new bed. I cannot possibly sleep in it again without her. I am afraid to smell her body wash, find a hair, or touch what she has laid on. I will never sleep in that bed again without her beside me.

I find it odd that I don’t feel this way about any other furniture or belongings. This includes the brown couch, where she and I shared our last physically intimate moment... aside from holding her as we both fell asleep two nights in a row just within the last week I was in the house with her.

I desire to make new pictures with Amie. I desire to fill my mind and my heart with new memories of us. I desire to forever gaze into her eyes. I desire to someday see her in my children. I love her so much and miss her uncontrollably at times.

Since I’ve lived with my parents I’ve seen their joy. I’ve seen their love for one another. I’ve seen their service toward each other. I’ve heard them whispering to each other before they fall asleep. I desire the same with my wife.

I have also seen my father and mother both be cold towards each other at times. I’ve heard them say hurtful things to one another. It’s amazing how these things are so clear to me when they happen. I have told my father and mother both on several occasions not to treat the other like that. When my father complains about my mother’s persistence about a chore, I’ve told him to be proud that she loves him. When my mother complains about my father not doing the chore, I’ve told her to be proud that he loves her.

I have learned so many lessons since separating with Amie. I have learned how a seemingly innocent comment can be detrimental to one’s feelings. I have learned the power of praise and adoration.

My mother has made comments in the past about regrets. She made those statements in anger for something about my father. I have seen that despite their periods of anger they truly love one another. They don’t walk away from problems, but confront them. They truly love one another.

I wish that Amie would confront our issues together with me, rather than walk away from them. Yes I have wronged her, and I will forever be repentant and remorseful for those things. A few days ago I was having thought after thought of hurting myself. How much more repentant can I be if I’m considering such scary actions? I wish that she would see my heart... see my repentance.

I love my wife. Nothing can or ever will change that.

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
-Ephesians 5:28