Divorce Journal Entry #54

8:05 pm

This afternoon was very difficult for me. After writing my last entry I took a nap. I find myself sleeping in times of stagnation. I hope to pass whatever time and wake to hear the phone ringing or receive an email from Amie. Again, nothing.

My folks sent me to Blockbuster to rent a couple of movies for tonight. On the way there I broke into tears. I picked up a couple of movies and while standing in the checkout line I called Tobi. I told him that today was a very difficult day for me. I told him that I was starting to have scary thoughts again. I told him that I was considering going to Lauriette, a mental health hospital in Tulsa. Tobi broke down... finally understanding the magnitude of my pain.

I drove back to the house and tried to call Andrew. I sent him two text messages to call me, but haven’t heard from him. I was going to ask him to drive me to Lauriette. I also knew that he could stop by the house and get my insurance information from Amie if it was needed. I still have yet to hear from him.

When I got to the house I called Lauriette. I spoke with a receptionist who took my name and phone number. She assured me that a therapist would contact me within a few minutes.

After a few minutes the phone rang and I spoke with a woman. She asked me what was going on and I told her everything that was happening and how it made me feel. She asked me very pointed questions, more specifically relating to suicide. I told her that I am more and more frequently having such thoughts, but that I don’t think I’m brave enough to actually hurt myself. She told me that the only way I could see a doctor with their agency over the weekend would be to admit myself into their custody. Doing so would require me to be in their care for 72 hours, thus missing my flight to New York. She did not think that would be necessary but mentioned that it is possible if I feel that my thoughts might lead to action.

She gave me several phone numbers of various urgent care facilities. I called and spoke with COPES, a crisis intervention agency for Tulsa County. I remember working with COPES on several occasions as a police officer when I would come into contact with someone with intentions on hurting themselves. I spoke with a woman there for a few minutes who again asked me very pointed questions. Before hanging up she recommended that I obtain my insurance information and call my family doctor on Monday. She said that he would likely prescribe anti-depressants that would help to take the edge off.

After getting off the phone I went downstairs to talk briefly with my mother. I cannot tell her the thoughts I’ve been having as it would devastate her further. She and my father love Amie so much and are broken about what is going on. My grandparents too love her deeply and have offered their love and support for me whatever should happen. I did talk with my mother though about seeing our family doctor and getting some medication. She began to cry.

I took some pictures of Amie off the refrigerator after telling my mother. I also found some pictures of our wedding rehearsal and ceremony in my Bible this afternoon after trying to find peace in the words of God. My mother also found pictures of Amie that were taken in Iowa when visiting my grandparents in the past. I placed those pictures in a drawer in my bedroom so that I would not see them any more. I also took the pictures that Amie had taken off the wall at the house and put them back into the box and set it in the garage. This is not symbolic of me giving up or trying to move on with life. Rather, I think it’s necessary as the more I think of her the more it hurts me.

It is not healthy for me to continue to see pictures of her when my depression seems to overwhelm me at times. I still hold onto hope that our marriage can be resurrected, but I’m afraid of my own mind. I desire for my love to be reciprocated from her. That is what would heal my heart and allow for my wounds to stop bleeding. Without that, peace doesn’t seem possible.

I have been thinking this evening about other therapeutic activities that I can do. I have thoroughly enjoyed painting and plan to continue painting. Music is powerful. I think I’m going to look into buying an inexpensive guitar and try to learn how to play. I don’t think I have any sense of rhythm, but then again I never thought of myself as creative either.

As I sit here a song just came over the speakers that is very fitting. It is Josh Groban’s “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)”.

I sent the CD with that song on it to Amie for Easter. I heard the song before purchasing it and felt that it described my feelings for her. Amazingly, it soothes my soul in times without her.

I cannot give up. I cannot lose faith. I cannot lose hope. I cannot lose love. I love my wife so much.

“... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
- Romans 5:3-5