Divorce Journal Entry #52

April 14, 2007
9:28 am

In my quiet time this morning I read a passage from 1 Timothy. It talked about one of the fears that I’ve had since Amie told me that she wants a divorce.

It mentions that pastors and deacons are to be men of but one wife. I have been afraid since she told me of what my options are now concerning working in missions with children. Does this mean that I cannot serve with a missions board or have any endorsement from a religious agency? I know that it is talking specifically about leaders within a church, but the last I checked Baptist mission boards will not allow for a divorced person to be endorsed by their agency.

This scares me because it again further narrows who I can become. I can no longer work in law enforcement, and I’m okay with that. But the only other thing that I truly believe I could be happy doing would be in some sort of missions organizations with children.

This further enforces my need to do everything possible to attain reconciliation with my wife.

I’ve also been thinking this morning about something that Amie told me in the recent past. She told me that even after a divorce that she wants to remain friends. I just don’t know if it’s possible.

I know that she has been hurt in the past. I know that the thought of a divorce must be painful for her. But she hasn’t seen what I’ve gone through. She doesn’t know, or refuses to see, how devastating this has been to me. My confidence has been dealt a blow. The feelings of insecurity have consumed my soul. The pain has been indescribable. There is an immeasurable amount of psychological and emotional damage that has been done.

When I try to talk to her about how I’m doing I feel like it’s being shrugged off or ignored. That deepens the pain and insecurities.

Amie is my best friend and has been for nearly eight years. No one else has captured my heart and my soul like she has. Yet, I don’t know if I can be the common cliche of a “friend” if a divorce is finalized. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife more than anything, but I have been crushed.

If she should decide to “try” I will still have these wounds, but I believe that the bleeding would stop. I will show her that I desire to be the man that she needs in a husband... and I will be that man. Not because she wants me to be it, but because I want to be that person for her.

She has also told me in the recent past that someday I will find someone else. For weeks I found this statement repulsive. Now it is not only repulsive to me but seems an impossibility. For six weeks I have not dreamed or thought of any other woman besides my wife. She consumes my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams... all day every day. I know that someday she won’t be all I think about, but I cannot fathom experiencing all of the hurt, pain, insecurities, and lack of confidence that I’ve recently experienced ever again. I’m scared of the possibility of ever experiencing this again. So I honestly believe that I will remain single without Amie. I’ve never really been single at any rememberable point in my life. But the fear of experiencing this again greatly supercedes any desire for companionship. Statistics prove that once someone is divorced the probability of finding a lasting relationship ever again greatly declines... further strengthening my fear and insecurity. She told me over a year and a half ago that if our marriage didn’t work she would remain single for the rest of her life. She has not made that statement recently, but now I can affirmatively say that I believe it for my own life.

I will forever love my wife. I will forever hope that we can reunite our hopes, dreams, and desires and be together again. Should she force a divorce upon me I will still hope to call her my wife again someday. But there is an immense amount of psychological and emotional bleeding that will need to stop, scab, and scar over. I refuse to lose hope.

I love my wife. She is beautiful to me.