Divorce Journal Entry #49

April 12, 2007
8:15 pm

I got my new phone in the mail yesterday. I loaded it with music that I used today while mowing. It was nice to not sit in silence with only my thoughts while the mower chugs away. Even with the distraction of the music and the mower I still constantly thought about Amie. I wonder what she’s doing. I wonder if she even slightly misses me.

I received an email from her this morning. She told me thank you for the painting and told me about her horrific experience at the dentist.

I want so badly to care for her right now. I want to make her meals, help her around the house, and take care of the dogs. I want to lighten her load so that she can relax as she’s experiencing the pain and sensitivity of the dental work.

I want to run my fingers through her hair as she lays her head across my lap. I want to scratch her back and set her at ease. I want to give her a massage and focus on her physical needs. I want to serve my wife.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the house to grab my suitcase for my trip to New York. I wonder if she’s mowed. The weather forecast is predicting rain all day tomorrow but if I wake early enough I might be able to beat the rain and mow for her.

I want to clean the house for her. Even though I haven’t seen her for nearly two weeks I want to unravel the cord on the vacuum cleaner and run it through the house for her. I want to dust, clean the stove, clean the white spots off of the mirrors. All of these things I want to do for her, but I’m afraid of going too far.

The counselor that I saw on Tuesday morning made an interesting statement. He told me that Amie is likely responding in one of three different ways to my letters, painting, mosaic, and words. One - She thinks I’m stalking her. Two - She is angered by the fact that I can’t just walk away from her. Three - She sees how much I love her and it could be making a positive impact.

I’m not sure which of these responses is most accurate. I’m sure the first one isn’t an issue, but believe that she could be angered by what I’m doing for her. She’s told me in the recent past not to spend any money on her, yet I continue. Love makes us sacrifice what we have, or in my case, what we don’t have for the benefit of the other. It took me three weeks to order a new phone at $40 for myself but dropping resources on twelve dozen roses comes so easily. I also have hope that these things are making a positive impact on her. I want nothing more than to be with her, and pray that she is beginning to feel the same about me.

In my letter that I mailed earlier this week I mentioned that I know our marriage could be a miracle marriage if she would just try. I know that I can meet her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. It seems silly that I can so affirmatively make this statement, but when I want nothing more than to be the man she needs it only makes sense that I would do anything and everything necessary to become that person. Thus, I know our marriage could be a testimony of God’s unfailing grace and mercy. But she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.

I sent a letter with the painting that I gave her. In it I made a statement that I would never hurt her again. I love her beyond belief and would rather die than put her through suffering, pain, or anguish ever again. I love her. I, again, can boldly say that I will never hurt her again. Again, she must be willing to allow me to be that person for her.

Since she told me that she wanted a divorce I have thought at great length of what I will do should that time come. Even to the end, should it come, I will fight tooth and nail for our marriage. I will show her how much I love her, even if she’s unwilling to recognize it. Someday she will recount that I was kind, gentle, and loving to her throughout our separation and final divorce decree; should it come to that. I refused to be angry at her, bitter about the timing, or retaliatory... as most divorces are. I refused to give up and walk away as she seems to want me to do. I refused to be anything but caring and loving for her. May she see me for who I truly am.

It pains me to think of the possibility of an end to my marriage with her. I love Amie more than life itself. I cannot possibly imagine a life without her. I pray that she feels the same.