Divorce Journal Entry #45

March 23, 2007
6:51 am

Well I woke up again this morning alone. It’s not getting any easier for me. Last night at about 1 a.m. a storm rolled through. The dogs woke me up as they both jumped on the bed afraid of the thunder. Twix cuddled next to me on my right while Snickers cuddled on my left. As nice as it was to cuddle with both of my dogs, it wasn’t a complete feeling. I missed my wife.

I have noticed myself doing some strange behaviors that may be deemed as normal for grievers. As I said in a previous journal I find myself talking to her when she’s not here. I turn on lights in dark rooms just hoping to see her inside asleep. Every time I look in the garage or at the driveway my mind tricks me into believing that I see her car. All of these things, of course are in my mind. I have been sleeping on her side of the bed this week. I want to feel close to Amie, to smell her hair and her body wash. I cannot discount my feelings and believe these actions to be normal considering that I’m grieving.

I desire nothing more than for Amie to reciprocate my love; for her to give me the chance to speak in her languages and see where God takes our relationship. Should our relationship fail after that, then I cannot question her desire should she continue to desire a divorce.

If I have one piece of advice for her I would tell her to follow her heart. Yes, she has told her family that she’s seeking a divorce. Yes, she has talked to the landlord about breaking the lease. Yes, she has applied for teaching positions in St. Louis. Yes, she has seen a divorce attorney. And yes, we have discussed eliminating our debts. Even though all of those things have been done it is never too late to work on our relationship. I pray that if she even barely believes that it could work that she would give it a shot. Don’t deny your heart, but rather follow it.

A man or woman who fails to follow their heart will not find rest. The mind is a powerful thing and can make us believe things that aren’t completely accurate. If she has a shred of a belief that things could work I pray that she sees what lies behind that shred.

My selfishness would like for me to believe that she knows it could work, but that she’s just tired. Running away will not bring rest, but rather turmoil… even if peace seems to exist. Don’t deny your heart.

My hope is small, but it is not diminished. My wife told me that she doesn’t want me to have a false hope in something that has no hope. The one thing that she cannot and will not rob me of is hope. I will continue to hope and pray that we can find rest together, forever together. I will never lose hope.

I love you Amie K. Nothing can or ever will change that. You are my source of joy, my lifesong, my life. I will forever love you.