Divorce Journal Entry #42

March 21, 2007
9:49 pm

Wow, what a day. I worked my butt off today to make a few dollars. It’s so hard to think that I’m doing this just to make ends meet right now. I don’t mind working hard at all, but to think that every dollar is vitally important sucks.

I meant to write this morning, but was busy trying to get things together for the long day ahead.

This morning while reading The Five Love Languages I was floored to see some of the author’s statements. I found them profoundly similar to my story.

“How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, ‘I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.’ I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 129

This sounds very familiar to what Amie told me on our wedding day.

“But as I stand here now, I vow to love you through it all. Love is a choice. It is not just a feeling or emotion. Day after day, it is a conscious choice. I vow to love you for the rest of my life. I vow to wake up every morning and consciously choose to love you that day. When life is chugging away, careers are in full force, kids are screaming and the house is in dire need of a good cleaning, I vow to remember our love.”

Amie had things figured out. She knew that love was a conscious choice, just as the author states. But where does that stand for her today? Has she forgotten that her love is a conscious choice or has she refused to care? Has she taken the roll of judge as the author presents on page 46?

On the following page the author makes another fitting statement.

“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 130

“Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 132

This is what I want to provide to Amie, and have no doubt that I can provide it abundantly. Why is she so closed to allowing me the chance? She says it’s too little too late, but nothing is too little or too late when it comes to love. She can choose to allow me the chance to fill her love tank, and I pray that she does.

Dr. Chapman tells a story in pages 130 – 135 that was very much alike my situation with my wife, with a few minor exceptions. That couple worked through it… why can’t we? He says at the end of the story that “the key to the rebirth of their marriage was discovering each other’s primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently.” I am convinced that should Amie chose forgiveness we can and will be reborn just the same.

He continues by saying that “when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.” The act of quality time by listening, taking walks, playing Frisbee, or planting flowers doesn’t come naturally to me, but I want to do these things for my wife. Providing words of affirmation is not natural for me, but I want to work on it and uplift her through those. Personal touch, as she clearly knows, is not easy for me, yet I want to speak that language to her. Those are her needs and I desperately want the chance to provide them to her and watch our marriage heal and blossom.

“The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does our emotions return, and our love tank begins to fill.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 136

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
1)Ephesians 5:28