Divorce Journal Entry #41

8:31 pm

All day long I’ve yearned to talk to my wife. I finally had a reason to contact her, so I called.

It was so soothing to hear her voice again. I can listen to those voicemails all I want, but the interaction of actually talking to her gives me an indescribable joy. I miss my wife.

Earlier today I was at my parent’s house doing some work for them. I told my mother how desperately I miss my wife. She asked me if it was Amie that I missed or companionship. I promptly answered “Amie”.

Loneliness doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t bother me. Being without Amie scares me. That bothers me. She is my source of joy; definition of love. Without joy and love I’m scared.

Yesterday I mowed the yard and removed limbs. I raked around the fence line and filled 19 trash bags full of leaves. I didn’t think it would have been nearly that many. Yet, after realizing what I got myself into I never thought twice about completing it. Nothing is too big if it’s for my wife.

I planted some flowers for her today. I’m not sure that it’s the type of flowers that she would like or the colors that she would chose, but nonetheless it’s the thought. I felt like a blind man playing poker when trying to dig the holes, but I think it turned out nicely. I can only hope that this act of love fills her tank an ounce.

I have had a few people ask me why I’ve put so much time into the mosaic or why I keep doing things for her. They don’t seem to understand how in a situation that would seemingly have no hope, why I continue to hope. Why I continue to labor over these acts of service for her.

The answer to the above question is multi-faceted. First, I love my wife. Secondly, it keeps me thinking of how much I love her. Third, it seems to be good therapy for me in dealing with the current situation. Fourth, any chance I have to fill her tank an ounce I’m going to take. Fifth, I don’t ever want to question if I could have done anything more to fix this marriage. And lastly, should a divorce happen I believe that it will help me to find completion in an incomplete relationship.

The bottom line is that I love Amie more than anything. That’s why she’s the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thought I have when I finally find rest. She is a part of me; a part that is not easily dismissed.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”
1)Jeremiah 33:6