Divorce Journal Entry #37

March 19, 2007
7:17 am

I woke up this morning in our bed alone. My mind instantly filled with what Amie is really saying when she says she wants a divorce.

“I no longer love you.”
“I no longer desire you.”
“I do not want a life with you anymore.”
“My future does not include you.”
“I do not want to talk to you daily.”
“I do not want to share moments with you anymore.”
“I do not forgive you.”
“I do not desire intimacy with you.”
“I do not want to be close to you.”
“Our marriage means nothing.”
“I want out.”
“I would rather be alone than with you.”
“I do not care how you feel.”
“I do not care what you want.”
“I do not care about us.”
“My dreams and goals are more important than you.”
“I do not want our marriage to work.”

All of these thoughts deeply sadden me. I want nothing more than the exact opposite of what she’s saying.

“Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”
1)Isaiah 57:2

Last night I was reading further in The Grief Recovery Handbook. A few different thoughts stood out to me.

“Bedevilment is the opposite of enshrinement. The griever has a litany of complaints detailing a lifetime of mistreatment. They are unwilling to let go of disappointments and anger. With bedevilment, the griever clings to the negatives just as the enshriner clings to the positives, but neither views the entire relationship.

All relationships include both positive and negative interactions. We know that you can complete grief only by being totally honest with yourself and others.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 53-54

Further in the book, the authors begin to offer steps for grievers that will help in the recovery stage. The first of these steps is choosing to recover. They suggest three words that will help a griever begin the process of recovery: different, better, or more.

“Whether the loss is a death, a divorce, or a painful estrangement from another person, the question ‘What do you wish had been different, better, or more?’ will always help you find what is incomplete.”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 61

Although I do believe that Amie knows that I love her, I wish I had told her more. I wish I had been more vocal with her about my feelings towards her. I would hold her more, and stimulate her emotionally more. I would communicate with her differently, in her own language. I would respond better to her sorrow and show more enthusiasm in her joy. I would focus more intently on filling her tank.

“What ruins the picnic - the rain or one’s attitude about the rain? This is a trick question. The answer is both. The rain really does ruin the picnic, but you cannot do anything about the rain, you can only deal with your reaction to the rain. The same is true of almost all losses. What causes my grief – the loss or my reaction to the loss? Again, the answer is both. While we cannot undo what has happened, we can do something about our reaction. We can acquire skills to help us complete our relationship to the pain, disappointment, frustration, and heartache caused by what has happened.”
- The Grief Recover Handbook, p. 64

I have remained fervent in prayer that God will provide me with humility and love in each encounter with Amie. I truly believe that he has done that for me. I do not believe that I could react any better to the agony that I’m feeling. Should a divorce come to fruition, I want to know for the rest of my life that I handled it as well as I possibly could and as lovingly as I possibly could.