Divorce Journal Entry #43

March 22, 2007
7:51 am

I love Amie. Nothing can or ever will change that. Yet another empty house that I find myself seeing her in, but she’s not here.

This morning I was reading The Five Love Languages. There is another familiar story that seems to be very similar to Amie and me on pages 141 – 145. Dr. Chapman closes that section by saying, “can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.” I love my wife and I believe that I’m beginning to speak her language.

After being confronted by a woman who asked him if it’s possible to love someone you hate, Dr. Chapman then talks somewhat about his difficult past with his wife on page 148.

“We reflected on the early days of our own marriage and remembered that we had often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What makes the difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love. We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning, we would destroy our marriage.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 148

Is Amie filled with anger and resentment? If so, I pray that God gives me the knowledge and strength to help her through this. The thought of my wife experiencing those emotions towards me hurts.

Dr. Chapman then says on page 151, “when the [emotional] tank is low… we have no love feelings towards our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.” I pray that Amie can forgive me for not speaking her language all this time. It only made sense to me that acts of service and gifts would speak as highly to her as it did to me. Dr. Chapman has stated throughout this book that this is a common misconception among marriages. I love my wife and long to show her in her language. I believe this can fill her tank and allow our marriage to grow.

“Certainly we do not have warm feelings for people who hate us. That would be abnormal, but we can do loving acts for them. That is simply a choice. We hope that such loving acts will have a positive effect upon their attitudes and behavior and treatment. But at least we have chosen to do something positive for them.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 156

I’m not saying that Amie hates me. Only she knows what feelings she has when she looks at me. But even though she is not seeking healing in this relationship, I will continue to do loving acts for her. I pray that she sees my deep love for her and responds just a bit. I pray that this shower of love fills her love tank just enough that she responds lovingly. If that is the case I will spend time everyday speaking her language and filling her tank. If she should not respond to my love, I pray that someday she sees how much I truly care.

In closing his book on page 174, Dr. Chapman makes one last statement that stood out to me. He says, “when the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.”

May God soften Amie’s heart and give her a peace concerning our relationship. May she see that things can and will be different; that I truly desire to meet her needs. I love Amie, my wife and friend.