Divorce Journal Entry #36

March 18, 2007
7:54 pm

I had abandoned this journal, but I feel that it is essential in my healing and recovery from grief.

I have been reading a couple of books lately to help me through this process. I picked up a copy of “The Five Love Languages”. This book has helped me to recognize several things pertaining to my relationship with my wife that I hadn’t previously known. It also has provided me with reassurance as to how things have taken place in the past. The second book I’m reading is “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. This book has been a God-send as it speaks directly to me. It addresses several of the feelings I’ve had and is designed to help the reader truly recover from an event that causes grief, rather than hide it.

I have described the recent events with my wife to people as an overwhelming sense of various emotions. It has been exhausting going from day-to-day because I have experienced a roller coaster of feelings; changing as quickly as the wind. The Grief Recovery Handbook acknowledges this as the definition of grief.

“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior”
- The Grief Recovery Handbook, p. 3

I talked with Andrew a few days ago about various things that people have said to me that have been intended for good, but instead caused further pain and resentment.

“I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been through it three times.” – Lowes worker
“Someday you’ll find someone else.” – My wife
“At least you don’t have children together.” – Almost everyone
“You’ll do better next time.” – Family friend
“Women think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” – Landlord
“She’s probably cheating.” – Directv Customer Service Rep.

I don’t want someone to tell me that they know how I feel. Yes, they may have experienced a divorce in the past, but their story is theirs and my story is mine. No one knows how I feel. Why do they try to discount my pain with their own?

I don’t want to find someone else. I have found my joy and have no desire to think of anyone else. The thought of touching, seeing, or speaking to anyone as I do my wife sickens me.

What if I want children together? I would love to stare a child in the eyes and see Amie and me in those eyes looking back at me. Would it make a divorce more difficult? Sure. But I want to experience children with her someday.

Can I do better? I don’t think so. My wife is everything to me, nothing less. I find it hard to believe that someone better exists for me. The thought alone is adulteress.

Does Amie think the grass is greener elsewhere? Only she and God know. How is this statement supposed to comfort or console me?

And finally, who the hell is the Directv lady to tell me that my wife is probably cheating. I would agree that if she is even remotely emotionally attached to anyone then yes, she is cheating. But only she and God know. The point is that this statement is more hurtful to me that helpful.

So what do I need from people? What can they say to me that genuinely shows empathy?

“I cannot begin to understand what you’re feeling.” – Very few people
“I’ve been through a divorce before, but I cannot say that I know how you feel.”
– Federal Probation and Parole Officer
“My heart breaks for you.” – Sunday School Teacher
“I have been praying for you.” – Several people

Those statements provide me with comfort. These people recognize that I may not be experiencing what they themselves have experienced. They know that my feelings are just that, mine. They do not try to mitigate my pain.

In The Grief Recovery Handbook, the authors discuss that time, solitude, or replacement are not healthy ways to deal with grief; more specifically, divorce. Instead they refer to a divorce as an unfinished relationship. In order to effectively recover from divorce they suggest that the grievant finish the unfinished. Perhaps that is why I have such a desire to show my wife in several different ways that I love her, and vow to love her even should a divorce happen.

They discuss the issue of guilt, also known as the “G” word. They note that the dictionary definition of guilt implies an intent to harm. Though some people may argue otherwise, I never intended to harm or hurt my wife. I have hurt my wife, but the absence of intent relieves me of a feeling of guilt. Or so suggest the authors.

A few long statements in The Five Love Languages further addressed my painful past.

“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we don’t always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes said and done hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and asked forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I chose justice and chose to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I chose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 46

In order for love to prevail in my relationship with my wife, she must be willing to forgive me of my past. I have expressed deep remorse and begged her for forgiveness. As supported by Scripture and noted in The Five Love Languages, my wife now should forgive. This, as stated below in the next quote, does not eliminate the pain of the wrongdoing, but is necessary as an act of love.

“The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt, but he has acknowledged his failure and asked your forgiveness. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can chose to live today free of the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. ‘I love you. I care about you, and I chose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here.’ Those are the words of affirmation expressed in the dialect of kind words.”
- The Five Love Languages, p. 47

I pray that my wife seeks forgiveness. I pray that the greatest moments and sense of love are yet to come. I pray that my hopes, dreams, and goals with Amie are a thing of the future, not the past. I love my wife.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1)1 Corinthians 13:4-8