Divorce Journal Entry #44

8:52 pm

Another day is over. Living life from day-to-day is very difficult. It seems that each evening I’m relieved to have made it through another day. Just over two weeks without my wife has gone by, and each day has been a struggle. The thought of living the rest of my life without her seems impossible.

I talked to her today for 14 minutes. She sounded like herself again, not distant at all. We talked about the dogs and how things are going for her in St. Louis. How I wish I could be there with her, or her here with me. She didn’t tell me that she loved me again today; making the third consecutive time. As much as it stings not to hear her say those words, just to hear her voice is soothing.

I have been thinking at great length about the night she and I went to see The Wiz. During the evening her eyes began to fill with tears approximately 10 or so times. Was she tearing up because she still has feelings for me? Did she push me away from her in order to not have those conflicting feelings?

It makes sense to me that she would remove all of the pictures so she wouldn’t have to face any images of me, as it would make a divorce harder. But if she still has feelings why would she deny them and continue to pursue a divorce? I fear that someday she will realize how much I really did love her and she will question her decision. I think this primarily because she hasn’t been open to trying to make it work any longer. I could understand that if she gave it every effort she had just once more that she could live with a clear conscience for the rest of her life. I say once more because she has made it clear that she has tried for the last couple of years to make it work. However, as I stated in my first journal entry, I couldn’t fix something that I didn’t notice was broken. So now that I know it has problems or is broken, can she walk away with a clear conscience knowing that I am doing everything I can to make it work? This is just one of several questions that I have.

I am desperately trying to give her the space that she has requested. Someone told me the other day that the fat lady hasn’t sang yet, and for me to push things upon Amie is like shoving the fat lady onto the stage. So I am struggling to give her the space that she has asked. Yet at the same time, if I just walk away from her and let her file without making any effort I could not rest in peace about this situation for the rest of my life. As the authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook stated, a divorce is an incomplete relationship for the person who is walked away from. In order for them to recover from their grief they must seek completeness in that relationship. Thus, my actions and words of love towards her now not only help me to hold onto an ounce of hope, but it should help me in the future to find completeness should she continue to walk away. So my reasons for showing her love are multi-faceted.

Amie told me approximately a week ago that she has given up her dreams, desires, and goals for our relationship. The interesting thing is that she doesn’t have to abandon those things for our relationship. I am fully willing and prepared to seek her dreams, desires, and hopes as my own. She has expressed great interest in teaching in St. Louis. Should she give our relationship just one more shot I would love to pack up and move with her. The situation is not an either/or situation. It’s not EITHER her dreams, goals, and desires OR me. Amie’s dreams are my dreams. Her desires are my desires. Her goals are my goals. I hope that she sees that she can have her cake and eat it too, because that’s exactly what I’m wanting to do. I want to help provide my wife with the happiness that she deserves.

She may not have seen it before, but when Amie experienced an emotion I experienced it with her. When she was doubting her ability to sing, my heart broke and tried to restore that within her. When she would laugh, my soul would laugh. When she would cry, my heart would break and cry with her. Amie is not just a part of my life, she is my life.

I have noticed within the last few days how much more specific my prayers have been. Before I was praying that God would soften her heart, provide me with wisdom, and heal my broken emotions. The closer I get to God the more I am beginning to ask for specific things. I am now praying that God would not only soften her heart, but that he would give her an innate desire to give our relationship a chance. That she would someday want things to work and be willing to give it a chance.

I finished reading The Five Love Languages this morning and remember reading story after story about marriages that were terminal, but God restored their marriage. It doesn’t make sense to me how if there’s a chance for God to work a miracle in our relationship why she’s not willing to even try. I mentioned in a previous journal entry that a divorce creates a gash that will forever bleed and never fully heal. Why is she so adamant about a divorce when the chance exists? Only she and God fully understand her thoughts and heart. If I need to I will pray for years to come that God will break my wife’s heart and bring her back to me.

I finished the mosaic today. It took me approximately 25 hours to complete, but it was worth every minute. Not only did it serve as a sort of therapy for me, but it was a very peaceful and relaxing thing to do. For those 25 hours I can honestly say that I was thinking about nothing but my wife, and loving her even though she wasn’t present to receive my love. It provided me with a constant thought and prayer for my wife and for 25 hours. It wasn’t easy for me to make it, because I’ve never done a mosaic before… much more a tile mosaic. But it was worth every minute, even if she sees it and shrugs it off.

I love Amie. If all of these acts of love do nothing more for her, I pray that she sees how much I love her. William Shakespeare once said, “love sought is good, but given unsought is better.” Amie is a love that was unsought. She is my life, my love, my bride. A life without her would in fact be no life at all.

I love you so much Amie. Sleep well tonight and I hope to hear from you tomorrow.