Divorce Journal Entry #16

5:02 pm

I just spoke with (criminal defense attorney). I informed him of the personal downward spiral that has transpired over the last few days. He extended his empathy and it seemed as though a fire had been lit inside him. He finally sees the level of destruction that this has caused, a level that is potentially irreparable should a divorce take place.

He told me that he expects to enter the courtroom on the 27th with guns blazing. He says that if the DA’s office requests another extension that he is going to push for a dismissal and for the charges to be expunged.

Could this be the relief I so desperately need, or is this just another hope that will inevitably crash?

Why do I no longer care?

A week ago I would have ran to my wife in joyous celebration of his intent, but I hung up and still felt hopeless, empty.

I need to focus on the criminal case. How can I possibly do that when my source of joy is slipping through my fingertips? How am I expected to turn around and walk away while my wife boards a train departing from me?

Several questions run through my mind. Will my wife show up for my preliminary hearing? I would love to know that I still have her support and that she still cares, but if she’s having difficulty already is it healthy for her to be there? At the same time, my heart will further be crushed if she doesn’t show up. Which is the lesser of the two evils?

Will she continue to support me in her own mind and with her own lips, or will she run and begin throwing stones as the enemy has been? Will she begin to slander me or will she remain supportive?

All of these questions leave me feeling empty and unable to focus on the task at hand.