Divorce Journal Entry #33

10:46 pm

Several thoughts are filling my mind right now.

Amie’s journal talked about stealing her joy. When she decorated the house, I criticized. When we took photo competitions, I won. I never ever intended to hurt my wife this way. She is my one true passion, nothing else.

Amie, I want you, nothing more. I want you for who you are. I want to stand beside you through this journey of life and support you. I want nothing else but you.

My heart shatters the more I think of what’s happening. If only I had known she felt this way. I never intended to hurt her, ever.

What I wouldn’t give to have a garage sale and sell all of our stuff, only to replace it with things she wants how she wants it. All of that stuff is material to me… nothing more. She is everything to me… nothing less.

How I would love to step back in time and be more vocal about her pictures. I wish I could react more affectionately when she tells me that she was voted coolest 6th grade teacher. I would give anything to rewrite the past and not have made the mistakes I made. I want her to feel my love, not loneliness. I want her to look at me with desire, not disgust. I want her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is my life and my love. She is my #1 priority and has been.

Amie, I beg you to hear me when I tell you these things. I’m not trying to offer a temporary solution to a serious problem, but rather a lifetime of endless love. I want nothing more than you.

I keep replaying the song by Josh Groban titled “You’re still you.” Amie I have loved you from the beginning, but never as deeply as I’ve learned to in the last year. You’ve seen the changes I’ve made in my life. You’ve seen the joy I have when I talk about you. You’re my life.

I understand that some of these things are probably falling on deaf ears, and that spilling my heart is perhaps too late. But all of the feelings I’ve written in these 38 pages thus far are the truth about what you mean to me. Every waking moment away from you I struggle to maintain hope. But at this point hope is all I have.

Please let me come home. I want to fill your tank till it overflows. I want to tell you in your languages how much I love you. You’re my soul.

Amie, the thought of a divorce devastates me. Not because of the meaning of the word but because it means that my life will be without you. I love you and know that you love me. Our marriage still has love, something many marriages know nothing about. Because we still have love, let’s seek healing, but not give up. Let’s seek rest, together.

In my mind there is no chance of ever revisiting where we are now. It has been an overbearing wake-up call to me, one that makes me restless. One that makes me more than anything want to be your source of joy, your life, your love. I want you to see a God-fearing, patient, loving, and humble man when you look at me. I desire for you to see me as a beauty from ashes. I want to work through this time and someday tell a story of amazing grace.

Nothing brings me more joy than thinking of waking next to you for the rest of my life, nothing. At the same time nothing brings me more sorrow than the thought of losing that.

I love you more than you can imagine, but let me show you that. I love you so much Amie. You’re my heartbeat.