Divorce Journal Entry #27

11:52 pm

Well the show was a great time! Amie and I had great conversation both before and after the show. Though it was fun, it was also rather painful.

On the way home my wife told me that she cannot continue to do things with me. She feels that it is making it harder for both of us and giving me a false sense of hope when in fact there is none to have. She told me that there is no escaping a divorce and she doesn’t want me to have any more pain than necessary.

I explained to her that I could not sleep until I knew that I did absolutely everything I possibly could do to make it work. I don’t want to wake someday and wonder if I didn’t show her that I loved her, make every effort for things to work, or ask myself if I should have handled it any differently. I also wanted her to know that I am absolutely 100% against the divorce, but that it doesn’t matter how badly I want things to work if she is unwilling to try. I want to know that I could not have done anything else to change the outcome of the situation.

She told me that she loves me.
She told me that she will never question whether or not I loved her completely.
She told me that she will never say that I could have done something more to make things work.

I stressed with her that I am 100% against a divorce and willing to do anything to make it work.
I told her that she can have the space she’s asking for now that I know that she will never question her above statements.
I told her that she will have to initiate any contact from now on, but that I am yearning to hear from her. That should she call I will answer, should she write I will write, should she knock I will open the door.

I grabbed most of my clothing and she helped me load it into my car. I then hugged her and melted in her arms. I wanted so desperately to touch her lips one last time. I drove away as she stood in the driveway and watched me disappear.

For the first time since this all began my heart does not feel heavy and burdened. It still feels pain, of course. But she has acknowledged that I have done everything I could do, in the right ways, to make this work.

God provide me with a peace. Help me as I struggle for healing.