Divorce Journal Entry #1

March 7, 2007
3:11 am

Amie,

I lie awake in an unfamiliar bed unable to sleep. I wish that I could set my mind to ease and get a couple hours of sleep, but at this point it seems impossible. For I have too many thoughts, visions, concerns and unanswered questions.

I don’t understand how something so warm and kind, so welcoming and playful, has so suddenly become so cold and stern-faced, so put-off and distanced. Just last week I was cuddled close to you in bed and now I struggle to stay warm alone. What else is there that has happened so suddenly that is creating some of this? I’m confident that had the word of divorce surfaced in any conversation this time last week I would have been knocked silly. What is it that is in your life, your mind, your heart that makes it so easy for you to not even want outside group counseling? Is there another man that you have attached yourself to emotionally that is having some bearing on your decision? Is work becoming so hectic for you that you’re under an even greater amount of stress? If it’s either of these things, or something similar, I can assure you that someday you’ll wake up and realize what you’re doing or have done. I can only hope that it’s not too late for us.

I have, as we both know, not committed 100% to this relationship 100% of the time, but that’s a failure I’ll always regret. Remember the bible study group that met in our living room that evening? Do you remember what I said? In tears I said that I felt horrible because I had done you an injustice for not waking everyday and consciously choosing to love you. That was not for the group; that was for you, with the group as my witness. You see, even before all this mess began I have wanted to be who you needed me to be.

I know that you have been depressed lately. Amie, I want nothing more than to be there for you during this time; to lift your face above water while I, myself, am barely hanging on. It’s said that your deepest and inner-most character is revealed in times of sorrow, despair, and anxiety. I think we would both agree that this past year has been just that. Please don’t give up now. We’ve fought the fight, stayed strong, laughed and cried, and most importantly learned more about ourselves through this. I have gained a new level of understanding love and cherishment through all this... something I might not have ever seen had the past year not happened. I know that the events that have brought our lives to our knees are ultimately the result of poor decisions that I have made, and I will always regret that and be remorseful. But Amie, through this time, I have learned to love you more than I ever could have imagined. That is my true heart, my true character, my true love.

Someone told me that you probably were emotionally divorced long before this week. I’m sure that is the case but Amie I want a chance to make it work. I can’t fix something when I don’t know how badly it is broken. Can you? I’m begging you to please give group counseling a shot with me. It’s so unlike you to not try!

You have said that this is all based upon infidelity. I have never claimed that the single kiss was acceptable; I know that it was wrong. I have been on my face before God asking for forgiveness. I have been emotionally crushed before you asking your forgiveness. I would give anything to go back and rewrite the past, but I can’t. Despite the pain and anxiety that these last few days have caused, I have found peace in believing that I am doing all I possibly can about it. You said Monday night that you needed some separation time to allow that wound to heal. Let’s seek professional help together so that wound can heal.

Amie, a divorce is something that is permanent. Removing a wedding ring is very different from returning a steady’s class ring. It is a time of even greater stress and anxiety. It creates wounds that will forever bleed and never heal. It is a painful time for everyone involved, regardless of how easy it looks for anyone else. I will not fight you for any reason if a divorce is ultimately our fate. I don’t want to argue, bicker, or yell at you. Though my heart is breaking, I do not love you even an ounce less than I did before this week. Instead, I’ve come to realize that love alone is not enough; we need help. We need to put our faith in God, who put us together in the first place, and ask His help in healing our lives. I love you Mrs. Knutson and that will never change.

You have said over the last couple nights that someday I will find someone to bring the joy back into my life. I refuse to think that way because I am not interested in looking elsewhere. My source of joy is the mother of my dogs, my ring-leader, my purpose, my bride. I’m not interested in anything or anyone but you.

I told you the other night that nothing is too big or too radical for me. I am willing to change, adapt, remold myself as necessary for you. You’re my lifesong, my joy, my heartbeat, my wife. Nothing is too big if it’s for you.

You’re my life, my love, and my bride.