Divorce Journal Entry #35

March 15, 2007
3:48 am

I lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling. Amie told me last night at the house that she saw a divorce attorney and picked up the paperwork to file. She told me that she wasn’t sure if she would be able to get it in by the end of the week or not, but that once the paperwork is submitted it could be finalized in 10 days.

Why did I feel like I had to beg her to wait for my criminal proceedings to finish? Does she not understand that the one thing I never thought would leave me is now gone? The only thing I care about has crashed my world in the last 10 days, and I have to beg for her to wait? She said she would wait until March 27, 2007, my preliminary hearing.

So if I do the numbers correctly I will have gone from laying my wife on the bed to divorce finalization in 30 days. Maybe I could write a book.

Please excuse my sarcasm, as I am filled with several different emotions.

She said again last night that she has given up her dreams, that she has sacrificed her desires, that she needs to discover who she is, that she needs to move on, that she needs to focus on her needs, etc etc.

She said again that she has given to this relationship, that she has said what she needs, that she has wanted it to work, that she was now tired.

Am I wrong in saying that the problem isn’t me but is spelled “s-h-e”?

When we got married WE sacrificed OUR dreams, WE changed OUR desires, WE needed to discover who WE were, WE agreed to move on together, WE began to focus on OUR needs. We did all of these things because it was no longer she and me, but us.

And you know, we’ve both given and taken throughout this relationship. We’ve both been selfish at times, in different ways. We are both guilty of it from time to time. I’ll spare you the list.

She implies that she understands what I’m feeling and going through because she’s been contemplating a divorce for two years. I beg to differ, she has no idea. In two years time someone is able to rethink their dreams, goals, desires, and lifestyle. They prepare for what they see to be an inevitable happening, thus lessening the shock value if/when it occurs. Think on the other side of the spectrum. Over the last year and a half I have refocused my life to complement my wife more. I began to see a new hope, changed my desires to fit her, and saw a future that included her. I even opened a bank account where I saved money that we could hardly afford to save, just so I could do something special for her from time to time. Then, instantly everything’s stripped from me. All of those dreams and goals of a future… lost. Every thought, dream, desire, and hope for the future included her. Everything instantly gone with her saying that she doesn’t want it to work. She cannot begin to understand the magnitude of my pain, confusion, and disorientation.

I’m exhausted both emotionally and physically, but I refused to give up. I refused to walk away. I refused to quit.

Well, in the end my enemies have taken everything from me. Fuck them.

I want to scream, but yet I want to cry. I want to lash out, but yet I love her too much. I want to walk into the house, grab my remaining clothes and bills, split the funds, and walk out… never to speak again. Yet, I want to sit peacefully and finish the mosaic of her.

I heard of a preacher once who was talking about when his wife left him and divorced him. He said that he would rather die than experience those pains again. I would have to agree with him.

I have thought for the past few days which would be worse: your spouse dying in a car accident, or experiencing an unwanted divorce. Everyone that I talked to agreed, divorce is worse. At least with a death you don’t see your loved one walking away from you; although divorce in and of itself is a form of death.

My ring holds immeasurable value to me. I will continue to wear it until it no longer holds legal value. Then it will never return to my finger.

I echo what the counselor told me on the first day. It doesn’t matter how badly I want it to work if she’s not willing to try. This sobering truth is exactly what’s happening. But I remained fervent in prayer for her and held onto hope. I will continue to do those things because hope is all that’s holding me together at this point.

I found a text message on my phone this morning that Amie sent me on January 18, 2007. It said, “I am very proud to call u my husband. Luv u!” My first thought was “apparently not”, but I later reminded myself that I am incredibly proud to call her my wife. And will be until the day it is no more.

Should things have worked out I planned on she and me flying to New York for a couple days and going to see “Hairspray” on Broadway. We don’t necessarily have the money to do something like this, but I reviewed my various accounts searching for a way to do that for her. I knew that she would see my love through this. I deeply love my wife and always will.

In the end, I can say confidently that I could not have handled this phase any better. Nothing that I could do would change the outcome. It’s just sad that my first indication of her considering divorce was also the point things became “too little too late.”

Everyone agrees that I made some mistakes, but up until the end I was doing something loving for her. As I sat at the computer typing our property dispersion, I listened to our wedding album to make me mindful of that day. The first thing she and I ever did together was see The Wizard of Oz and sadly the last thing we ever did together was see The Wiz. While she was in an attorney’s office gathering information about a divorce, I was in the garage making her a mosaic. I believe that my words, tone, and actions were loving in every way.

God, if this is the consequence of my mistakes then I’m willing to painfully accept it, but I’ll never understand it. Provide me with the peace and healing that only you can provide.

So another chapter to my life has come to an end.

“…we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5