Divorce Journal Entry #10

9:07 pm

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on my and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord;
for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

For over a year now this has been my cry. I wanted to in all things have the mindset of David and sing to the Lord.

When times were tough and I was barely staying afloat, I chose to sing. When lies and deceit were spread about me, I chose to sing. When sorrow and anxiety took hold of my feelings, I chose to sing. In handcuffs in front of my father, I chose to sing. When my wife was drowning in the misery caused by the enemy, I chose to sing. In financial distress, I chose to sing.

God you know my heart, my desires, and my passions. You know that what I’m experiencing now is so much worse than anything my enemy has done thus far. It feels like my enemy has finally defeated me. I now lay bleeding, face smashed into the curb, as people walk away; with no one to help carry me any longer.

My promise of victory over my foes is quickly turning into a victory at great cost. I don’t know how I will be able to stand in the end with my head held high. You said, ‘what good is it then if a man gains the whole world, yet loses his soul.’ My soul is bleeding.

I want to continue to sing but it’s so hard. I could endure their previous slander and jabs ten times over before I would feel as torn as I do now. I need your peace.

May your justice reign supreme upon my foes. In the end, with your strength, may I continue to say, I chose to sing.