4:50 pm
I just received an email from Amie thanking me for helping her with the technology stuff at the house today. She still fails to tell me that she loves me. I cannot explain how badly this hurts me.
Why is my wife so closed to me? Is she repulsed by the very thought of me? Is she filled with anger and resentment for things I cannot change? Why can’t she see that my heart aches to be with her?
I love my wife and miss her deeply. I keep reminding myself that God is my source of hope, and that I must have hope or the enemy will win. Yet, it’s so hard to have hope when the door remains unanswered. Despite all of these feelings I must have hope.
I understand that the past is painful, but consider the future. I want to share endless memories with my wife and lift her up the way she needs to be lifted. I want to fill her tank until it overflows… and keep filling.
I desire to tell her that I love her more than ever, and to look intently into her eyes when she talks to me. I want to rejoice in her greatness and cry in her sorrow. I long to feel her embrace and vow to cherish it more now than ever.
Yet the door remains closed.
I want to give to her like I’ve never given to her. I want to pull her close to me and never let go. I want to laugh with her, to humiliate myself around her, to cherish her.
As much as I wish I could, I cannot change the past. I cannot remove any feelings of hostility that might be brewing within her. Only God can change those feelings as they are not from Him. But I’m a new man. I may have changed some, but deep inside I’m still the man she fell in love with… and I love her today more than I ever have.
I want to fulfill my covenant with her until the day I die. I want to unconditionally surrender my rights to her and be as one with her. I want to think daily about how to cherish her more. I want to wake each day and choose to love her more.
All of these feelings beat at the door, yet the door remains closed.
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